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Original poster

Help me understand what I’m seeing (H’s behaviour related).

277 replies

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:23

Together for 24 years. Married for 20. DS 15 and DD 19.

he left 6 weeks ago.

saw his rented house today.

bar table in front room with fully stocked beer fridge
all black and grey
pictures of DJs and music related visuals in black frames on walls
one photo of DCs in frame when very small
only other photo is of H on stag do 25 years ago with mates
‘joey and chandler’ armchair
black leather sofa and big TV
FROSTIES in cupboard
24 cans of tango in kitchen
polyester 90s bedding with black and white zigzags
plans to put a pool table in garage

what have I experienced?

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 26/10/2023 09:10

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:31

I think it’s the picture of the stag do and the pool table. I did say ‘oh look there you are with your boyfriends’. Couldn’t resist.

Well that makes you sound about 12.

Somanycats · 26/10/2023 09:12

You are seeing the life of someone who hasn't actually wanted to live the way he has been living for the last 20 years. Now he is choosing either what he wants or what he can afford.

Xtraincome · 26/10/2023 09:15

"I sleep.in a big bed with my wife"

@Guesswho88 @Ringpeace

Worldgonecrazy · 26/10/2023 09:23

Why did he not feel able to have these things when you were together? What stopped him buying a pool table before? What stopped you having fun together as a couple?

He is buying the things he wanted when younger now he has the money and space to do so. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Part of the fun of being in our 50s is getting to do these things, even if we find after purchase, that we didn’t want them as much as we thought we did.

As long as he is still supporting his child, then it’s up to him how he lives, even if his taste in decor and cereal is questionable.

NotSoEasyLemonPeel · 26/10/2023 09:28

@BellaAndDave 🙏 I’m waiting for this now! 😂

ioveelephants · 26/10/2023 09:28

RJnomore1 · 26/10/2023 08:12

He obviously wants something very different from the op and if it was a woman on here posting about how her husband and her have grown apart she’d probably be advised to consider leaving because life is too short. I don’t once remember seeing a woman advised to stay for the sake of the children. The opposite usually, life is too short, children are resilient etc.

I think questioning his interior design taste is pretty low. How much input did he have to the house he’s been living in for years? If he picked the couches and wallpaper fine but if he’s been accommodating someone else’s tastes and now has a chance to do his own thing so be it. He’s found accommodation where he can have his kids rather than a one bed and he hasn’t left for another woman.

It’s a sad time and I get the op is hurting but the sneering from others is not nice.

👍🏼 I agree. The women on here are being petty 🙄

Dymaxion · 26/10/2023 09:29

Start dating some younger men and make sure he knows about it, it will drive him mad.

Or someone with lots of hair !

Nolongera · 26/10/2023 09:31

Blimey, I had Frosties (FROSTIES!) for breakfast this morning, not real ones obvs, Asdas own version,I am not a millionaire.

Did I do something wrong?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 26/10/2023 09:31

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:44

I agree and was happy to let him go and do whatever he wanted to do. But that wasn’t good enough. He wants to date fun, party women. And by that he means fun party women WHO ARE NOT ME. Caveat.

And how's that working out for him?

Never mind a mini pool table (why did you give him anything?), get him a 90s Spice Girls poster, a Fruit of the Loom jumper and one of those stupid Elegal bags with a cartoon of someone smoking a spliff.

A 50 year old man, dear God.

AInightingale · 26/10/2023 09:38

Is it clean, tidy, warm and is there food in the cupboards/fridge? Not that you care for his sake, but the kids have to spend time there. If it's not a slovenly tip, I wouldn't stress that much - he's clearly having a mid-life crisis and sounds a bit pitiful really. More pictures of mates than kids stinks though. Sounds a right self-seeking twat, really. You are well rid and presumably still have the home.

Whoopsadaisydownagain · 26/10/2023 09:39

Buy him some Brut aftershave for Christmas !

Winnading · 26/10/2023 09:41

I would be grateful I hadn't had to live with polyester sheets for the last 20 years along with the other stuff. And then leave him to his dreams of getting a party woman, younger I assume, with that shit decor.

Also I would never set foot in his house again, and get divorced super quick before he blew any more money on his house. Does he have a nice kitchen? Can he cook? Does he know how to launder polyester sheets?
Will he miss his old family life soon? If so even quicker divorce before he wants to come back to relative domestic bliss.

User1789 · 26/10/2023 09:44

MMmomDD · 26/10/2023 00:31

OP - i am sorry it’s not what you would have liked happened to your marriage.
But - at the same time - you H is doing what people here on MN say people should do.

If you are u happy in the marriage, don’t cheat. Leave the relationship first. Then get on with the life you do want.

It hurts and it’s unfair - but after 24 years together - the relationship is over for him.
We don’t need to agree or discuss lure of partying in your 50s; or decor choices - as it’s irrelevant. More importantly - your priorities, needs and wants aren’t aligned anymore.

Hard as it is - your only choice is to let him go and try to figure out your life without him.

I think this post needs to be placed on all of the the 'cheats are the worst and there is no excuse for not just leaving the relationship if you want to have sex with somebody else' threads for all eternity.

This is what that option looks like. It is still pretty shit.

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 09:46

I don’t think anyone is telling the op to just get over splitting up. It’s devastating.

but

all this bloke is doing is the things he wants and for whatever reason hasn’t been doing. If he was a woman buying new clothes, or decorating how she wants now she single she’d be getting unanimous support and encouragement. It’s a cheap shot to take the piss.

FrenchandSaunders · 26/10/2023 09:47

Do you not like going out much OP? Is there truth in what he said about wanting to socialise etc and you not wanting to? With kids the age that yours are you now have the freedom to go out when you want.

If you both feel very differently about socialising I can see how it has come to this to be honest. Not the polyester sheets though 🙄

Dindundundundeeer · 26/10/2023 10:03

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 26/10/2023 08:26

what have I experienced?

Something that ain't your business.

I hope you never find yourself on the receiving end of a relationship breakdown.

Dindundundundeeer · 26/10/2023 10:05

Nolongera · 26/10/2023 09:31

Blimey, I had Frosties (FROSTIES!) for breakfast this morning, not real ones obvs, Asdas own version,I am not a millionaire.

Did I do something wrong?

Yes 😂

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 10:09

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 09:46

I don’t think anyone is telling the op to just get over splitting up. It’s devastating.

but

all this bloke is doing is the things he wants and for whatever reason hasn’t been doing. If he was a woman buying new clothes, or decorating how she wants now she single she’d be getting unanimous support and encouragement. It’s a cheap shot to take the piss.

Edited

Exactly all he is doing is what he wants. No thought to his actual children and the devastating impact on them - choosing partying over parenting is totally shit by any standard.

Restingbitch2 · 26/10/2023 10:13

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/10/2023 21:48

Take him an appropriate (1997 time sensitive) housewarming gift!

A lava lamp

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 10:13

Lots of blokes on this thread defending the saddo reliving his teen years. Not complete without a Pamela Anderson poster and some porn magazines under the bed with perma tan Germans with very white teeth. I could never look at this man in the same way again tbh.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 26/10/2023 10:13

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 10:09

Exactly all he is doing is what he wants. No thought to his actual children and the devastating impact on them - choosing partying over parenting is totally shit by any standard.

Show quote history

He's left the marriage, not the children. Should he stay in a marriage just for the sake of the children? Would you say that to a woman? His taste in decor has nothing to do with his parenting.

EmmaEmerald · 26/10/2023 10:14

Somanycats · 26/10/2023 09:12

You are seeing the life of someone who hasn't actually wanted to live the way he has been living for the last 20 years. Now he is choosing either what he wants or what he can afford.

Aaaargh I wasn't going to post on MN today as it's such a bad habit.

but this is SO true, thank you for saying it. There is so much regret out there for getting married, having kids etc etc.

I'm sorry OP is hurt but the amount of snark on here about what people consider to be age appropriate behaviour....grrr... (frosties, yum).

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 10:16

KickHimInTheCrotch · 26/10/2023 10:13

He's left the marriage, not the children. Should he stay in a marriage just for the sake of the children? Would you say that to a woman? His taste in decor has nothing to do with his parenting.

Show quote history

He left mid GCSEs!!!!! What kind of father does that?
Certainly not one that is in any way whatsoever invested in their dc or their future prospects just for cheap thrills.

What a total dick.

EmmaEmerald · 26/10/2023 10:16

Oh and now I want a mini pool table! 😂

TeaGinandFags · 26/10/2023 10:22

Male menopause.

Best avoided if possible

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