Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me understand what I’m seeing (H’s behaviour related).

277 replies

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:23

Together for 24 years. Married for 20. DS 15 and DD 19.

he left 6 weeks ago.

saw his rented house today.

bar table in front room with fully stocked beer fridge
all black and grey
pictures of DJs and music related visuals in black frames on walls
one photo of DCs in frame when very small
only other photo is of H on stag do 25 years ago with mates
‘joey and chandler’ armchair
black leather sofa and big TV
FROSTIES in cupboard
24 cans of tango in kitchen
polyester 90s bedding with black and white zigzags
plans to put a pool table in garage

what have I experienced?

OP posts:
Greenberg2 · 26/10/2023 08:16

MMmomDD · 26/10/2023 00:31

OP - i am sorry it’s not what you would have liked happened to your marriage.
But - at the same time - you H is doing what people here on MN say people should do.

If you are u happy in the marriage, don’t cheat. Leave the relationship first. Then get on with the life you do want.

It hurts and it’s unfair - but after 24 years together - the relationship is over for him.
We don’t need to agree or discuss lure of partying in your 50s; or decor choices - as it’s irrelevant. More importantly - your priorities, needs and wants aren’t aligned anymore.

Hard as it is - your only choice is to let him go and try to figure out your life without him.

You don't get to tell OP how to feel or what to think. FGS how insensitive.

If she wants to be sad for a bit and take the piss out of his shiny, nylon new life when she's left holding the fort, then good for her. If she wants to discuss it on an anonymous forum with people who don't know either of them, then it's absolutely fine.

Would you tell someone who's been bereaved that there's no point in talking about it, you just have to get over it and move on? Hopefully not! When you're left on your own it takes time to adjust. He's probably been planning for this for a while so has had time to get into the mindset of a single man. The OP has only just found out. Have some empathy!

madeinmanc · 26/10/2023 08:18

Start dating some younger men and make sure he knows about it, it will drive him mad.

MaybeRural · 26/10/2023 08:23

Greenberg2 · 26/10/2023 08:16

You don't get to tell OP how to feel or what to think. FGS how insensitive.

If she wants to be sad for a bit and take the piss out of his shiny, nylon new life when she's left holding the fort, then good for her. If she wants to discuss it on an anonymous forum with people who don't know either of them, then it's absolutely fine.

Would you tell someone who's been bereaved that there's no point in talking about it, you just have to get over it and move on? Hopefully not! When you're left on your own it takes time to adjust. He's probably been planning for this for a while so has had time to get into the mindset of a single man. The OP has only just found out. Have some empathy!

Show quote history

Excellent post. Victim blaming says far more about the poster indulging in it than the poster they are laying into.

I’m sorry for your marital break up OP and I hope your son still manages to do well in his exams.

Your local charity shops are the only winners here. After all they must be thrilled to have finally shifted all the ridiculously outdated crap your bald teenage husband has paid good money for 😧

Bertiesmum3 · 26/10/2023 08:24

Has your husband decorated and furnished the house himself or was it already like that?

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 26/10/2023 08:26

what have I experienced?

Something that ain't your business.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 08:33

MASSIVE mid life crisis. Hope you have a good solicitor and a equitable divorce settlement, OP. And good luck for the DC's exams.

Imagwine · 26/10/2023 08:35

Take a house warming present of bottles of Blue Nun and Black Tower next time and tell him to pop them in the fridge to chill.

He can use them to impress the fun, party women he brings back to his classy shag pad.

Pacificisolated · 26/10/2023 08:35

The decor is indicative of his current state of mind. He thinks he wants to live like he did at twenty and is expressing it through his surroundings.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 26/10/2023 08:37

khlomoney · 26/10/2023 05:41

I don’t think he’s decorated it to impress dates. You don’t really think about how sexually enticing your choice of cereal or armchair is. He’s decorating his place like he’s in a midlife crisis yes, but it seems to be his personal comforts. Don’t really see the issue there, though I can see why OP would feel hurt

Show quote history

Ah, I hadn't thought that he might have decorated it in order to impress any dates! I thought that he was just trying to relive his late teenage years or early adult ones. Surely he couldn't think that the decor and furniture would actually entice any females into his lair?

Also, the OP sounds far too intelligent and lovely and strong, to have ever been enamoured by someone who would be an incredulously stupid man if he thought like that? No, I agree that he is probably having some sort of mental health crisis - probably due to a sudden awareness of his approaching old age. Maybe he is feeling as if his life is just passing him by. But if so, he should have told the OP how he was feeling ages ago, and maybe the OP was also feeling a bit like that too, and perhaps they could have decided together that now their children were teenagers they could spend some time and effort making their own lives more interesting and exciting again?

But as with @cocoloco23, how can you not see the issue @khlomoney? You say that you can see why she would feel hurt... What??? She has been married to him for a long time and has teenage children with him, so I think that she might be feeling a little more than just "hurt"! The issue is that they are married, which means making a very strong commitment to each other. They have children together, which in my opinion is making an even stronger commitment to each other. I imagine that the OP is feeling rather more than just hurt, more like bewildered and devastated! Do you really not see that as an issue, an enormous bloody ISSUE?

TheresaBouvey · 26/10/2023 08:39

Oh he wants to be a 90’s lad again!

get him some 90s lad mags 😁 and a framed picture of Gazza

Blabla81 · 26/10/2023 08:39

reallyworriedjobhunter · 25/10/2023 22:43

Inflatable arm chair

Show quote history

Lava lamp!

Greenberg2 · 26/10/2023 08:39

Another thing OP, I know you must be shellshocked given how recent was the break up. But I can't believe he's so suddenly become a selfish twat. I wonder how much you've always been carrying the load. It may be a big relief in the future to be able to focus on yourself and your kids. And you don't have to be supportive any more. He can get this from his mates from now on. Also women he meets now aren't going to want to take on massaging another guy's ego: been there got the T-shirt.

Porageeater · 26/10/2023 08:40

OP is looking for support to process H’s midlife crisis behaviour and having a bit of a laugh about it may be the first step on her journey to do this. People shouldn’t be lecturing her about how she should feel at this point in time. It pisses me right off actually.

I’ve been through similar recently OP, good luck with everything.

Greenberg2 · 26/10/2023 08:42

Porageeater · 26/10/2023 08:40

OP is looking for support to process H’s midlife crisis behaviour and having a bit of a laugh about it may be the first step on her journey to do this. People shouldn’t be lecturing her about how she should feel at this point in time. It pisses me right off actually.

I’ve been through similar recently OP, good luck with everything.

Sorry to hear that Porageeater. I hope you're doing okay. Is life starting to get better? And you're so right about having a bit of a laugh being a first step to healing. I wonder how many of the lecturers are men.

PortalooSunset · 26/10/2023 08:44

I don't know why you've got such an issue with the cereal choice?! No need to yell out the brand name Confused

Fwiw I'm a grown ass adult rapidly approaching 50 and the other day I bought myself a box of coco pops instead of my usual Greek yoghurt and berries breakfast. I haven't suddenly become unable to function as an adult as a result.

It's a home you don't have to live in, why does how he furnishes/decorates it bother you at all?

Porageeater · 26/10/2023 08:47

I’m ok thank you for asking @Greenberg2!

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2023 08:48

OP, when my PIL divorced a long time ago (at about the time your H has time-travelled to) I remember going with my DH to see his dad in his new flat. It was almost exactly as you describe (minus the Frosties and Tango, as he was always on a health kick trying to keep his Peter Pan fantasies alive). All black wood and glass and no soul. A massive change to the family home he’d left.

He lasted about 9 months in that flat before moving into the (big, old-fashioned, dark wood & country chintz) house of his first girlfriend, later to become his wife. He was never allowed a say in the decor there and the freedom he’d apparently wanted when he divorced - to travel, live his own life etc etc - never seemed to be possible either as she had younger children…

I wonder how long your DH will last in his bachelor pad?

XiCi · 26/10/2023 08:58

PortalooSunset · 26/10/2023 08:44

I don't know why you've got such an issue with the cereal choice?! No need to yell out the brand name Confused

Fwiw I'm a grown ass adult rapidly approaching 50 and the other day I bought myself a box of coco pops instead of my usual Greek yoghurt and berries breakfast. I haven't suddenly become unable to function as an adult as a result.

It's a home you don't have to live in, why does how he furnishes/decorates it bother you at all?

I'm glad someone else has brought this up. I don't eat cereal but am a bit confused by the constant references to his choice of Frosties and don't really get why this is an issue.

Sounds like he's pushing back from not having much choice in home decor all these years and has regressed back to his youth and how he would have liked to live then. It probably won't last long. I think most people go a bit crazy when a LTR ends

thedevilsgift · 26/10/2023 08:59

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:38

It’s not. He doesn’t have any reason to wind me up. I cause him no trouble at all and am quite supportive, though not so supportive of his time hop back to 1997. He is carrying the guilt as he wants to party and socialise and I am now at 50 waaaay past it.

Show quote history

Ha! This reminds me of a middle aged man I knew who had left his wife. By his own account he said he thought leaving her would mean he would be free to go out drinking and shagging again, like when he was 20. Instead, he said, he stayed in most nights eating baked beans from a tin. Idiot.

cheezncrackers · 26/10/2023 08:59

what have I experienced?

A fully-fledged midlife crisis.

Your ex is reliving his lost youth. Pathetic.

margotrose · 26/10/2023 09:01

Needaholi · 26/10/2023 07:55

I don't know a single woman who would find this attractive or want to 'party" with him.

Everyone's focusing on this but maybe he doesn't want to date anyone. Lots of people just want to be on their own after a relationship breakdown.

I know it doesn't fit with the MN narrative that there must be always another woman though 😉

Notamum12345577 · 26/10/2023 09:04

topcat2014 · 25/10/2023 21:28

Apart from not having many photos of the kids it doesn't sound that bad.

Men ( I am one btw) don't give a shite about interior design.

I prefer crunchy nut..

Sorry for what you are going through of course.

I’m more CocoPops or Krave myself

RHarrison234 · 26/10/2023 09:07

Mid life crisis?

LouHey · 26/10/2023 09:08

I'm a former sex worker, I've met many men like your husband, OP. You're best rid of him.

Of course, after 24 years you're going to take a fair bit of time to process and move on - you will though. You will meet someone (if you want to) who will be at the same stage of life as you and it will be a much happier life together. Your ex is chasing something he can't get back and, depending on how much he's prepared to lie to himself, he will realise that eventually.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/10/2023 09:08

What are you seeing? A score of 9.0 on the midlifecrisissadasfuck ‘o’ meter…, lol