Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

Good luck with the second interview tomorrow.

It sounds like you have got some good plans for self-care: I have not read any non-work related books for years, so I have set myself to reading fiction again, onto my second book since the summer (I have very little time to read and these are thick books!). I also have things I need/want to write which I am not getting to. It’s sometimes easier to just attend to other people’s needs than do the intellectual work of writing, I realise. I need to work out how to write in small chunks. What kind of things do you like to watch on TV? I don’t usually do this either, but in recent years I have watched Grey’s Anatomy (which is good up until about season nine when Christina leaves), Suits (this was mainly to see what Meghan Markle was like but I really enjoyed this, it is quite funny, it took me about two years to watch though!), and most recently Only Murders in the Building, which has some very funny parts. That’s my TV watching for the last few years! Maybe if you find a series you like, never mind if it takes you weeks to get through.

I like all the series mentioned by the PP and also How To Get Away With Murder, Station 19 and Private Practice (all Shondaland productions, like Grey’s) A League of their Own on Amazon prime, The Good Place and The Lincoln Lawyer are all gripping and ace too

'You' on Netflix is kind of fun/gripping

Would it be nice to go away for a few days, or stay with friends? Maybe when you know you have the new job lined up, you could have a few days away before you start.

@pickledandpuzzled I think that's definitely something that I need to do for myself. It shocked me looking through old (but not that old) photos in my 'phone and seeing just how much different I look, much more fresh faced-this relationship has taken its toll for definite. Just hope It's reversible! I know It's shallow in some people's eyes but I have always taken care of my looks, I modelled part time until a few years ago and was a dancer in my youth-feeling 'haggered' and ugly isn't going to help me recover.

@MaryMcI thank you for the good luck-it isn't until 16:30 today. I am doing a bit of googling for how to prepare as there will be some role-playing scenarios.

As I've said I probably 'deserve' more money given my quals but they seem like a good company and if I get it it will be enough £ for me for now at least.

You sound exactly like me in that respect-I read a lot of 'work' related things but I love to read for pleasure, it just takes a back seat!
Same with my writing-I have done a lot of planning and material writing for work but not for my actual personal gain.

I have never been a TV watcher until the last year or so when I made an effort to do it, but when I do get into something it really does help me and I get very into it (one thing that encouraged me to get an ADHD diagnosis).

I loved Happy Valley, Gentleman Jack, recently watched 'Queer as Folk' (all my gay friends watched it when we were very young but I wasn't interested), recently watched 'National Treasure' (the one with Robbie Coltrane) too. I liked the Jimmy Savile series (even though it was shocking) loved 'Four Lives' but these have all been recent, before that I honestly couldn't name one thing I'd watched in any seriousness-I prefer to 'do' things but I realise that isn't good to be never 'consuming' always doing.

I might have a look at Grey's Anatomy as I've heard good things about that, and 'Suits' again I'm intrigued by M Markle in it!

Thank you @SheilaFentiman and @porridgeisbae for the recommendations.

As for going away somewhere-good idea-IF I get some actual wages coming in anyway! But I could go and stay with some friends yes. I'll get the interview over with and depending on the result will have a think.

Oh oh oh- we loved House!

and Breaking Bad was amazing and totally not something I thought I’d like.

I also loved Happy Valley and Gentleman Jack.

You’ve a lifetime’s worth of watching lined up now!

I hope your interview is going to plan! Lots of luck to you!

If you get the job, don’t be afraid to ask (once you have the written offer) if there is scope for extra ££. Just make the argument why it would be appropriate.
As a hiring manager, I have noticed in the last couple of years that almost every person offered has done this.

Thank you for the recommendations! Also I think due to having ADHD-I do tend to get distracted and watch things again because I have missed bits.

And I think the interview went well (it has just finished, was brought forward to 16:00 rather than 1630. They'll let me know by the end of the week.

Thank you for that @MaryMcI , it is a good point!

Also I am finding the Cassandra Syndrome online support groups so so helpful! So thank you @pickledandpuzzled for that. Real Eye opener. As a therapist I may even write some literature on that. It must be so common.

There is a perceived problem with Cassandra Syndrome that makes it controversial- at least used to.

Some see it as demonising a disabled partner for their disability.

I see it as recognising the detrimental impact on an ND partner of the mismatch of communication styles, which can’t be predicted at the start of a relationship. It can feel like love bombing followed by or even alternating with being dismissed and ignored.

People who want to minimise Cassandra Syndrome talk about the empathy gap, I think. That the NT partner is equally failing to understand the needs of the ND partner.

ND people who are in happy relationships and have good communication skills and are self aware seem to loathe it when an NT partner raises their own distress. There’s a long running thread here which is persistently reported for ableism, where NT partners offer each other support. I don’t know what it is like these days which is why I haven’t mentioned it before.

The ND people in happy relationships struggle to recognise that other ND people may be less able to meet their partner’s needs.

Gosh that was hard to type while avoiding pitfalls. I hope I’ve represented all sides fairly! I have experienced enraged pile ons in the past!

I understand that @pickledandpuzzled . I can't find a means of putting it yet, that explains that it ISN'T that, and that yes being ableist isn't acceptable but that the effects of being with someone who has this sort of disability can take their toll.

Would you mind linking me to that thread (If It's indeed, still up) please?

I can see totally, why that'd have been difficult to word on 'paper'!

I have learned about 'Trauma Face' too which I am sure I have. I looked 6 years younger not even a year ago

Here we go.
And a quick scan suggests it’s very relevant still!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4904334-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-9

Honestly, there was one point I thought my age was five years older than it was, I had to remind myself what it actually was. I feel like I lost more than a decade of my life to that relationship and the aftermath. But the pandemic did something strange to my memory so it seems like another life. I cannot imagine giving him so long and so many benefits of the doubt if I were to have a do-over, but that is because I learned from it (painfully).

But more positively, I think ‘trauma face’ does reverse if you can look after yourself and get proper rest, exercise and reduce stress. I had a new colleague recently express surprise at the age of my DD which they explained was because I did not look old enough to have a DD at university. I don’t think I look young (I am not young anymore), I also don’t think I look older than I am anymore. I need a decent hair treatment though, my hair is quite dry.

@MaryMcI total tangent but Aussie 3 min Miracle is really good for hair

Thank you for the recommendation SheilaFentiman
I will give that a try 😊 I need something really good for my hair.

*Honestly, there was one point I thought my age was five years older than it was, I had to remind myself what it actually was. I feel like I lost more than a decade of my life to that relationship and the aftermath. But the pandemic did something strange to my memory so it seems like another life. I cannot imagine giving him so long and so many benefits of the doubt if I were to have a do-over, but that is because I learned from it (painfully).

But more positively, I think ‘trauma face’ does reverse if you can look after yourself and get proper rest, exercise and reduce stress. I had a new colleague recently express surprise at the age of my DD which they explained was because I did not look old enough to have a DD at university. I don’t think I look young (I am not young anymore), I also don’t think I look older than I am anymore. I need a decent hair treatment though, my hair is quite dry*

@MaryMcI that gives me hope! That stress reduction, rest and exercise can help and 'Trauma Face' can be reversed. I do exercise. I found this-obviously we aren't talking about Narcissism here but the affects on the NT person are the same s

I have always had a youthful look about me-my Mother is mid-seventies and still looks fresh-faced, I realise a lot of it is genetics but I look in the mirror now and see someone who just isn't me at all my skin looks a different shade, my eyes look sunken, my Mum said I look sad all the time and have for a long time.

My awful ex seems like a lifetime ago and not even real now-maybe this will end up like that, similar to what you describe, too.

I worked part-time as a model until I was mid-thirties and as a result my hair underwent some strain! Extensions, backcombing, bleach etc. It looked like straw (but thinner!) at various points. I went through a phase of eating loads of almonds, taking pregnancy vitamins, eating lots of spinach... It worked miracles. Although I am not sure which bits worked or if it were a combination of the two. My hair needs some TLC now actually, and I've been told certain cannaboid oils work brilliantly, although I haven't looked into which ones yet, I don't know anything about them.

I find the healthy oils in salmon are good for my wrinkles, hair, and blood pressure. Also I can't be as thin as I used to be without it aging my face, I have to keep on a bit more weight (within the healthy range) or I look older.

If you are a veggie then peanuts are great for healthy oils. And olive oil.

@porridgeisbae I refused to buy Olive Oil on principle today as it had gone up from £2 something to £4.99! It's usually a cupboard staple but that's ridiculous IMO.
I will get hold of some other skin-friendly things though. I am really trying to be on a health kick now (although I am going out for a few wines tomorrow night)!

Aldi as much as possible for foods.

I mainly scrub my face slightly with water and a towel, wash, then put sun cream on my cheeks etc. The SPF protects the skin and the zinc oxide in it prevents acne.

Then I use a bit if Tretinoin on my forehead and crow's feets.

But once I have the money I'm getting a nosejob etc.

You know what, Bunny, you’ve dodged a bullet. Right now you’re wondering why you carried on so long, but soon you’ll realise you got out in the nick of time. Your face will change back when you’ve had a bit of tlc- sleep, fresh air, and no more second guessing all the time.

Come the spring, when the days are lighter and there’s summer to look forward to, you’ll feel like a new woman!

I hope you're right @pickledandpuzzled. I just feel a bit lost if I am honest, today. I am teaching so having to keep it together-I have had that thought process of holding out for summer, I find this dull, dreary weather so depressing.

Thank you also @porridgeisbae. If I get this job I am definitely going to invest in some skincare products and probably botox !

It seems like a long time until summer, though, so you do need some things to hold onto before then.

It’s only two weeks until the shortest day, which means then the days start getting longer again.

In three weeks and four days, it will be 2024 which is a nice, even sounding number. And a fresh new year.

In January at some point, shops will start selling daffodils. I always buy bunches of daffodils as soon as they appear.

In February, snowdrops will start to appear.

Time will take you away from this feeling and this situation and the world will start to look brighter again.

Oh and thank you for the hair tips - good points about what I eat/vitamins as well as treatments.

I definitely do. @MaryMcI

I don't know what to do other than apply a lot of care to myself in every respect. I'm earning even less now as one of the courses I was teaching has ended. So things I may have done to make myself feel a bit more cheerful are out of bounds until I earn again.

Haven't heard back from the job I interviewed for yet (they said they'd get back to me Friday and didn't).

I have some daffodil bulbs to plant, you've reminded me. May do that now before it gets dark.

I really hope I can snap out of this fog soon.

Anyway she's been and gone. I have been too upset to update.

She's so cold. All her things hvae gone with her. She put them in her car, pecked me on the cheek and said 'bye and left.

I asked how she was feeling about it and she said she 'couldn't talk at the moment'.