Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

Having looked back at the list, Bunny, it seems not 😂
I have been busy though- bagged up the presents which took a little longer than expected. Wrote a couple of cards. Walked the dog, erm…
Where did the time go? So nails and pictures still to do.
Im watching last tango in Halifax at the moment. Really enjoying it.

And tonight we walked up into the woods for a carol sing. Most festive.

I am basically going to do as much clearing out as I can over the Christmas break. Since the pandemic, I have had quite a stressful time at work and the clutter has stacked up. We are not going anywhere, so I have a chance - would really like to go into the new year with a bit more order.

In terms of what she used you for, I don’t know if I wrote anything about this - I think I might have. It was along the lines of - you met online so she was clearly looking for a relationship, so you provided that in a way that she could manage and was supportive to her. I am sorry, but I also think she must have got something out of dominating you sexually (and however you dress it up, that is what she was doing by keeping on doing things which caused you pain or were not what you wanted. It wasn’t mutually giving and learning what each other enjoy, which I think a healthy sex life should be).

I think there was definitely something in the fact that you are successful in your life and yet so dependent on her emotionally which may have given her a boost. It just was not mutually satisfying and healthy, which is why you feel used, I think. And of course the very obvious fact that you entered the relationship (and stayed in it for a good while) under the false impression that you both had the same end goal, which was to live together at yours, so you feel used because it was under false pretences. I think maybe you gave and forgave a lot because of this imagined future. Hence feeling used.

i agree that you obviously should not start dating until you are ready, but your mum is basically expressing her confidence in you being a good partner for somebody who is more of a good partner for you and that will happen. It’s about not overriding your own needs for the sake of a relationship which is key. Actions speak louder than words - your ex-DPs words were that she would move, but it went on for over three or four years being clearer and clearer that she would not and actually, there was not much ‘D’ in the ‘P’. And good for you, you did see that, it did not take more years. So while you feel damaged, you did have the good sense to recognise things were not right.

You would have recognised this a lot quicker had you actually been living together, but it would have been a lot harder to disentangle. So while it feels awful, it’s not actually that awful. Your mum does have a point that you can get back out there, so to speak, your radar is not so far off beam that it’s a no go for ever; it’s just about taking the time for you and doing things you enjoy for yourself first (and then not losing sight of your own needs and values when you do start dating again - which will be in your own time).

@pickledandpuzzled Yes time goes so so fast doens't it.
I've not seen Last Tango in Halifax although my Mum did recommend that to me.

Thanks @MaryMcI yes I think my emotional side gave her a boost. I've always been a very loving person, and I know she did appreciate that.

I am not sure why as my family/upbringing aren't/weren't really. Dad was abusive and my Mum wasn't around a lot (big 'Business Woman' sort of character although she was and is great generally).

And yes, I did think we'd end up together and I did forgive a lot of her behaviour, made excuses for her I suppose?

Thank you-that is a point I suppose, if we'd lived together then split-although to be fair I think a lot of our issues were caused by the distance.

I have felt very lonely today and yesterday/last night. Drove over and spent the night with friends, had some nice food, just relaxed. It was a bad idea going though They're a couple I've known years, he often refers to us as brother and Sister and I am close to his girlfriend too.

She unfortunately got very drunk and kept talking to me about DP and her reasons for not moving and I got very upset-I kept trying to change the subject but she wouldn't let up, I ended up crying and she gave me a hug but I didn't want a hug from her, I wanted DP there with me as she usually would have been so it made me feel a lot worse. She did this several times-I know she meant well so didn't feel I could really say much to her.

Didn't get much sleep and have felt dreadful all day. Was quite shaky driving back, really odd feeling as I felt unsafe to drive really, I was quite shaken up.
I decided that, when I was with DP I used to dislike going to things on my own, but it is a worse feeling now. I dont know if avoiding socialising is a bad idea but that wasn't the right thing for me last night most definitely.

I feel I will be alone forever now but I am just not the sort of person to embrace that. I am too scared to get into another relationship too.

Oh dear. I’m going to make some sweeping generalisations that may be big misses…

First of all, I’m sorry you had a rubbish visit. Your friend was very insensitive. Other visits to other people will be wonderful. I really hope what I’m about to say won’t upset you. You can dismiss it, read it a different day, if you aren’t in the mood.

You seem to be someone who puts their needs last. Your friend was stuck on what she wanted to talk about and you didn’t stop it. I imagine you didn’t want to make a fuss, or embarrass her or do something she may perceive as mean- so you didn’t defend yourself against her intrusive behaviour.
You are a counsellor I believe- someone who helps others

You had an abusive dad and an absent(minded) mum- she had a big job she needed to prioritise.
You stayed too long in relationship with someone who didn’t/couldn’t prioritise your needs.

Is your inner child so used to being last that you allow that to continue? You need to stand up for her. It’s exhausting and bewildering when you aren’t used to it, but it’s actually your most important responsibility!
I’m flipping furious on your behalf! I suspect your friend bolstered her self image as a good friend, a good listener, at your expense! How dare she?! Your male friend should have stood up for you too. She needed packing off to bed.

Thanks @pickledandpuzzled .

I was a little miffed but only a little, when I got there anyway after seeing my other friend in the morning, because we were meant to be going out for food, have a look around town, some drinks but somewhere in the interim period after it was arranged for me to visit, she had decided that we weren't going out now, she didn't want to bump into her colleagues (not direct colleagues) who were out at their xmas 'do'. I dont know why.

So they just wanted to sit in the house all day drinking then order food later and again, that isn't my idea of fun, I don't like daytime drinking and I find it quite boring but I played along and we had some nice chats, watched some series we all like.

Then that happened with her getting very drunk and me being upset.

Perhaps not a great idea anyway because they got together not long before me and DP did although I have known both of them much longer, and it just feels a bit upsetting that they're living together, discussing marriage and happy and I got what I did with DP, I didn't get that happy ending.

Maybe I do put my needs last, you may be right-I certainly have sacrificed a lot of them in this relationship.

I feel I dont know where to start with putting my needs first really! I dont even know what they are any more.

I am especially upset today because DP was meant to come over today for the whole Xmas period.
I have been quite shaken, not been able to eat and had an upset stomach.

Of female friend who upset me, I have spoken to my Mum about her who has now told me she suspects she doesn't actually like me.

When they got together, she became quite jealous of mine and her DP's friendship, although I have known them both similar lengths of time, I was closer to him.

Back then I had to go to lengths to explain to her that I wasn't a threat, at all, I wasn't interested in men, he was like a brother to me, we didn't have anything more than friendship at all. She had some huge arguments with him about me, one memorable one was when I was at a mutual friend's and I knew they were at a show nearby, and mutual friend said 'Why don't you ask X and Y to come over too?' So I rang him and asked and I heard her start screaming at him. Because I had called.

She had been cheated on by her exDH not long after they married so I understand to an extent, but it wasn't a nice time for any of us.

She did calm eventually and I felt we were all good again now, but my Mum thinks perhaps she took a thrill in seeing me upset and vulnerable. She kept trying to cuddle up to me and I just didn't like it, just wanted her to drop the whole thing

This woman sounds very far from a friend - and that is on her, not you. Try to avoid her!

sorry that you are missing ex-DP, have a hug from an internet bean if that helps >>hug<<

I really am missing her as this part of the year would have been the longest we'd have been here together

Does she? The friend I mean. I thought we all got on very well now.

Another thing she used to do with Dp is be all over her, sit on her lap, cuddle up, flirt. From memory only when she had had a drink, mind! It didn't bother me, I am not a jealous person at all but I found it a bit strange. DP didn't like it either but didn't really say anything. She's straight, too.

Yes, maybe another one to avoid engaging with much more. I am still close to him though and we're financially tied (have a small business together) so that's a difficult one.

I really am missing her as this part of the year would have been the longest we'd have been here together

She'd have been in bed ignoring you, off out to do her hobby or expecting to go and sit in the pub all day, though, wouldn't she?

It’s ok to be close to him and maybe get the odd coffee with him (or both of them, if she’s not a Wally when she’s sober) but she sounds a bit of a drama vampire!

It’s fine to see them, fine to be in business together and socialise. Sadly she isn’t a friend she’s a manipulative woman whose vulnerabilities make her behave badly. She’s a friend’s partner. That’s ok. He doesn’t need to choose. He does need to respect your boundaries, which will be a bit stronger now you’ve realised that kind of situation can arise.

Can you channel a stroppy, uncooperative person and use them as an alter ego when someone is trying it on? I think of someone I know who’d have no patience with the change of plans, or being dragged back into a subject I didn’t want to discuss, and respond as they would.

“Ok, it’s time I went home. I’ve had more booze than I’d planned, and you’re getting slightly sozzled now so I’m off. Really looking forward to our next bash- let’s go out like we’d planned for today. Byee!”

There are some great MN responses along the lines of ‘well I would, but I don’t want to’.
‘That would be great, maybe next year’.
Bright and breezy.

I’ve started channeling ‘person with limited social skills’ instead of trying to pretend. I visited someone last week and asked her what time she was expecting me to leave. It just seemed easier than looking for cues and wondering if I was being a bore 😂

We place so much value on being socially aware but actually I’m starting to think there’s so much misunderstanding around. Just read any MN thread! It’s easier to just be blunt.

She couldn't do her hobby while here, her club is in her hometown.
Yes she'd probably sleep a lot although she always stayed in bed much later on the Sunday (the day she'd leave), sometimes only getting up in time to go home. Having said that regarding the hobby there is a club the same sort of thing just up the road, I did mention this to her.

We couldn't sit in the pub all day as she'd bring her dogs and one is not trained (recent rescue) and would chew everything or mess in the house. I did love having her here and I guess had I not broken it off I'd have that for much longer this time so yes, I am not doing well today with that realisation.

@SheilaFentiman yes she's fine while sober, I mean I wonder if my Mum is right and she is just pretending to be my friend and doesn't actually like me, perhaps that's related somehow to why she changed her mind about going out..

@pickledandpuzzled I've done that before! Sort of-I used to pretend to be a very confident person i knew, when walking into a room of strangers, a meeting, starting a new job etc.

I am quite confident in those situations now. Maybe I could try that. I couldn't have gone home though, i was staying over, they live about 65 miles from me. If it weren't for that I definitely would have! I used to live in that town, I moved here to be nearer family just as me and DP got together.

I think I am going to look for a new place though, I kind of associate here with her because of that, and her helping me set up home etc.

Haha yes I do that sort of thing too. 'I am not trying to get rid of you but do you know what time ish you'll leave? Just so I know whether to do XYZ now or later' and things like that

I remembered another thing some time ago, her and her sibling were out with their hobby group, at the clubhouse. When I next spoke to her she said she'd been annoyed with sibling as at about 10pm (they'd been out since about 1700) sibling asked if they could get a taxi home now as she wanted to see her girlfriend.

She was completely baffled that sibling wanted to see girlfriend when they were out with all their friends, she couldn't get her head around it that she wanted to do that. I responded something like 'Well I get how you didn't want to go with her, but of course she wants to spend time with the person she loves, nothing is weird about that?'
She couldn't understand it at all and was surprised that I did.

I know it may be wrong, but I also feel so, so guilty that she had booked this time off work to come and be with me and now she'll be stuck at home doing nothing.

Ah, please don’t. You couldn’t have realised how things would change.

You take on a lot of responsibility. More than you need to. She gets to decide things for herself- like her not moving to you, and staying in bed, and doing her hobby. She has had no trouble in making decisions that work for her. You are making a decision that works for you- at least it will when the shock and disappointment wears off.

I have been out most of the day, so only just catching up. Only read this far.

Reading this, I am struck by the similarity between this ‘friend’ and your DP.
You spent the day with someone drinking when that’s not really your thing (and it wasted your time, really, it’s not the day you agreed to); you were in a situation that you cannot really leave due to politeness and not being in your space; and this ‘friend’ is giving you physical closeness which you do not want. So I am guessing that this was quite emotionally triggering, although you might not have made the connection. You are also having to manage this person’s emotions In emphasising that you are not a threat etc.

The other thing is that it reminds me somewhat of a friend I had at work, who I had not spoken to for a while (we worked in different departments). Upon finding out that me and xH had separated, she turned up in my office with a gift, sat down on the edge of her seat and said ‘so what happened?’. And I was thinking, I don’t think I owe you an explanation here, you have not been in touch for weeks - but what do you say and remain polite?!?

I’m sure she could cancel the leave if she wanted to! You don’t need to take that on yourself.

I don’t think avoiding socialising is the right idea, no, as I think that potentially leaves you feeling more isolated and vulnerable, but I do think that once you become more aware of the ways in which certain people are a drain on you emotionally and trigger upset, intentionally or unintentionally, then you can be more discerning about how and when you socialise and with whom. It’s not necessarily only about prioritising your needs, but recognising types of behaviours which are damaging to you and then not putting yourself in or staying in those situations and minimising them if they are unavoidable.

That's true actually. I mean it wasn't AS bad as when I used to visit DP and she'd want to do that because at least me and my friends talk to each other! But yes, very similar. It could have triggered me, you're right. I think if we'd have been out and about 'doing' things, I'd have had good distractions.

Of your last paragraph, how intrusive! Of course an assertive person (or someone who'd be assertive in that situation) would say something like 'Sorry I don't want to talk about it' or even 'What's it got to do with you?' But at that moment you're just stuck!
Classic British politeness.

Something quite similar happened to me some time ago too. I had a 'frenemy' who I'd known for years, and as teens she'd always been a bit of a bully, a lot of 'one-upmanship' with me, always putting me down in discreet ways, always 'top dog' in our little group. Anyway as adults she did some other things such as always cancel on me last minute, sometimes invite me to things then at the last minute SAY she'd cancelled and then I'd find out she'd been, turned up to one birthday of mine once, three hours late and very drunk and left a few minutes later.. You get the picture.

I distanced myself but didn't have a big fall out with her.

A few years ago she joined my (then) place of work. Me and my ex (violent) DP had just split up and she got wind of it. I went to the kitchen which was the size of a postage stamp and she being on a different shift, was just leaving the building and she came in and was asking me all kinds of questions but very 'imposing' with it, it being a tiny room and she kept coming closer and closer to me with this inquisitive look on her face asking me what'd gone on and I didn't know what to say at all.

I started telling her little bits that I was semi-comfortable with but she pushed and pushed.

I don't think I'd ever do that to someone.

Aren’t people strange?

How are you doing, @TheBunnyLover ?

I was feeling a bit maudlin this morning, as it’s a time of year that can highlight any disappointment you may feel.

There was a lovely service at church this morning that emphasised that we cannot heal a broken world, we are not responsible for fixing everything and making everything work. Salvation is the work of the Lord.
I found it so helpful and reassuring.

Even without faith, knowing and accepting that there are limits to our influence is very healthy.

When churches do things well, they do them very well! We are only too aware of the mixed emotions of the season.

Sorry I've been AFK, been struggling over the xmas period.

That church service does sound lovely. I love churches although I am not of any faith, I find them very calming. I've done bellringing before too, but I stopped because I was rubbish!

I am sorry for your feeling maudlin-assume that was soemthing to do with your relationship situation?

How are things now?

I went to my parent's for xmas. It was okay, bit odd but okay. Went to the local pub for a few drinks beforehand which was nice.

I was also really touched because while I've been very down and upset, I've not been in my local. I usually go in a couple of times a week, but always on a Thursday with my friend, a guy I met in there about 8 years ago who I just get along very well with.

When I didn't go out last Thurs and others had noted I'd not been in for nearly two weeks, I had a lot of calls and messages, one man I see in there forwent his pint when he got there and drove to my house to see if I was in (I was but my car wasn't there as I'd parked it elsewhere to allow a workman to bring his van to do next door's roof), they were all worried about me, mostly a bunch of older blokes who I've befriended just as going in there is mostly my only socialisation, It's a old fashioned local pub that I began going in after my awful ex left. I didn't realise that I was so cared about or that my absence would be noted.

Good to see you matter, isn’t it? It’s clearly a closer friendship group than you realised!

I was maudlin because … well, we all have losses or sadnesses and this time of year can accentuate it even when you love Christmas as I do! Strangely it’s not DH that bothers me, it’s the bad relationships in my family- people fall out a lot. I get stuck in the middle.
My family are a bit ‘stately homes’ if you’re familiar with those threads on here.

I’m ok though- these are old established sadnesses that I don’t have a loving, close family I see at Christmas! DH and the kids are fine, but DSis begrudges coming halfway to get mum and see me for a handover. DB seems to forget I exist most of the time. We see him and his family less than once a year.

Anyhoo, I focus on what I can have, not what I can’t! DH’s batty family are coming today, with 2 days notice. He was convinced they weren’t coming this year 😂

@pickledandpuzzled I am familiar with the Stately Homes thing unfortunately. My family are like that too. Dad is a loud, angry aggressive character. Mum is great, Sister and bro in law and my niece and nephew are fine but I dont see much of them and don't know them all that well really, not close.
And yes Christmas does accentuate emotions. Sorry to hear that it is like that, I guess we see loads of 'perfect' families everywhere and it is natural to wish things were better. It actually baffles me that people don't want that? Or seem to not be bothered, don't want to foster good relationships with one another. To me It's so important, but 'You can't put there what ain't there!' as my Grandmother used to say.

Hope DH's family visit was okay!