Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

This is really hard to read written out as the A and B thing, but I'll give it a go...

@Firefly2009 OP has now pretty much escaped from the clutches of A. She just needs to block her to make sure it stays that way and she doesn't get any texts that mess with her head etc.

Hi all, I am sorry-I haven't abandoned my thread. I have just been really down and cannot formulate decent replies at the moment.
I did get the job though .

I will come back to it tomorrow, thank you again everyone.

Well, that’s excellent news about the job, well done!
And no obligation to reply, let alone any pressure for decent replies :-)
You know, you must also be very tired. It’s been an emotionally draining time, and it’s dark and that does not help with energy.
Cannot remember if you said you were taking vitamins, but vitamin D helps a lot at this time of year.

That’s excellent news Bunny. This thread is for you. It’s here when you need it, and to be ignored when you don’t.

All the emotions are exhausting, even the good ones! Give yourself a rest.

Great news on the job!

Congratulations on the job!

And apologies for the tone of my post. I just read it back and it comes a cross as critical and full of orders! I was typing through a fog of painkillers and lost my ability to filter my tone.

I hope the job news is the next step in the new chapter of your life 🙂

Congrats OP <3

@NeverDropYourMooncup I think she just bought the wrong size, she has only ever used toys with one other woman, it isn't her 'thing' or anything. I like them and it was me who suggested she got one, just not that large!! I may sound defensive and maybe it is pointless as nobody here knows her to look down their nose at her in the street, but I just don't want to paint an unfair picture. It wasn't her idea to get it. It was mine-however I knew it was too large and I still let her use it, I can't just blame her for that, it was stupid of me too

You are right about her not taking steps to help me fix things with my body though. She just avoided touching me altogether and when she did she hurt me at worst or at best, just did things that I'd repeatedly told her didn't work. And yes I was upset that she wasn't keen to come to therapy.

Yes it was the therapist who sent the dilators (or more accurately, a prescription for me to pick them up). I have never used them-I just dont think they'll work.

@MaryMcI she messaged afterwards to say that she left so abruptly because she was hurting and didn't want me to see her cry.

The wellbeing person cancelled but I had a call from IAPT and am being located a therapist soon.

I think it will be a long process, I agree.

I was referred to the sex therapist after being examned as a result of the injury @pickledandpuzzled

@hooksbell I definitely don't downplay it in my head, it really really upsets me. I don't think she has enough emotional intellect to see how wrong it all was. You may be right, and as this thread 'grew' others who had had similar experiences helped me see how autism could be the main factor, but being in that kind of household will certainly shape someone.

My Father was abusive too.

I sat with her and her mum once and her Mum was saying she didn't understand why one of her siblings was with a man who didn't work and smoked weed all day and was unsupportive. I was biting my tongue to not say 'And what did you teach her?!'

My DP seldom saw her parents in fairness-as a nightshift worker she arrived home just as they were getting up, woke up had dinner with them then went to work-weekends she was either here or doing things at/with her siblings.

Yes, she has zero self-awarenes.

I am very tired, that's true. I feel dreadful.

I start the job at the end of January. I must be a bloody good actress to have made a good impression when I am feeling so down!

I would imagine that you got the job because you came across as knowing your stuff and competent, as well as hopefully it is a job you will enjoy, which will also have come across.

I find that work is a great tonic, as I need to focus on the job and people I am interacting with. Unless there are tensions at work, then I find the gym better for my mood!

I'd run.
Sounds like you are a replacement set of parents for A. Why are you sorting out their debt and stuff. Honestly, don't take on a man child (or woman child) here. And go live in a shit hole with them. No no no.

It is totally inappropriate for A to move from being a dependent living with their parents to living as a dependent to a wealthy partner. A needs to move into independent living accommodation, potentially with additional support, and learn to live independently before considering a cohabitation arrangement.

B does not need to sacrifice their security to take on this unstable and inappropriate situation and is only considering it due to rose-tinted romantic thinking which will not last and will not sustain a long term relationship that is so totally unequal.

When A can sustain a job and an independent-of-parents life then they might be ready to think about a serious relationship.

And think about any future kids with their useless dad and scummy grandparents.
Think smart here op....

You don’t have to read 19 pages of thread, but maybe the first and last page to see if anything might possibly have moved on since the OP…?!

Or just the OP's posts!

Yy - but not everyone has the see all OP posts option, hence at least skim the last page or two!

Not everyone has the option? Really? There is a link on every OP post, OP posts: see all.
I'm using the mobile site.

The start date will give you helpful structure, @TheBunnyLover

Look at the time, think about what you’d like to have done before you get too busy, and set to! A mini bucket list, if you like. Maybe you want to have cleared out your cupboards and bought healthy food for the new year. Or stocked up on Christmas snacks, or consumed all the alcohol in readiness for a dry January. Your targets can be as random, health promoting or hedonistic as you choose!

My target for today and tomorrow- do my nails, hang some pictures, bag up some presents. Ask me again tomorrow tea time!

@MaryMcI I hope so-it is a challenging role, a step up from what I have done before so hopefully it'll take my mind off things. They do seem like lovely people, although I am nervous saying things such as that as my job history is almost as chequered as my relationship hisotry.

@Jane0Jane they have helped me with things too. I just don't want to move there.

@YireosDodeAver I realise you've missed my updates but I will say I am not anywhere near wealthy! I am privileged of course, but I'd never say I am wealthy.
I am going to try to become more financially secure over the next year. I just thought at one point, I'd be doing it as a partnership.

Interestingly, I've learned that my ex DP plans to move out (into council accommodation) after xmas.

We're a bit too old for children really although I have considered freezing my eggs. I have had tokophobia from being really quite young, and added to the fact I am a gay female, it isn't very simple.
Someone asked upthread how I'd feel if DP had have moved in and her Dad had visited, but I know he'd have never done that even if I'd have 'let' him. He's not the least bit interested in his children.

however I knew it was too large and I still let her use it, I can't just blame her for that, it was stupid of me too

If a toy is too large, as soon as the person using it realises, they stop. That would never cause a lasting injury IMHO unless she carried on.

Interestingly, I've learned that my ex DP plans to move out (into council accommodation) after xmas.

So presumably she was already on the list for her area, but didn't tell you.

yes, that’s odd that she is getting council accommodation when you had completely different ideas about her/your plans, and she had left such accommodation in the past. It might not even be true.
But how did you find out? I would be thinking about closing off lines of communication which will only make you feel more hurt.

Same for me, mobile site, but I have heard enough posters say they don’t have it to believe them. I think it might not function on the app.

@pickledandpuzzled is wise, plan some nice things between now and your start date, find your joy again.

It was her sister's ex DP who I have been friends with since me and DP got together (we have common ground, do a similar job, just got on as people) who told me about the council house although she did say DP has only just decided on this because she (ex DP) is 'Sick of people taking the piss about her living with her parents'.

I wouldn't say that's a good reason to move out of one's parents, and I wish living and being in partnership with me would have been a more attractive option than paying rent to the council but that's that isn't it.

Yes @porridgeisbae , she should have stopped I agree but I also should have told her to stop, I think we're jointly and severally responsible for that incident really

I am trying to process everything, not just the end of the relationship but also some of the things she's done in the past that were very upsetting for me.

I do feel used, which is weird because what FOR... I guess just to have somewhere to retreat to, she loved being here-my life is very different to hers, don't get me wrong nothing special but a nice little community, lovely pubs and cafes and countryside and a country park nearby, she lives in the middle of a not-nice city centre-I think it was a bit of a 'cake and eat it' situation for her.

I don't want to ever date again at this point. I feel quite damaged and that I'd be very prone to someone walking all over me again-my Mother (a formidable lady!) is pressing me to get straight on the dating sites (I won't)!

Of ex SIL who messaged me about the council house, she (obviously) used to date DPs sibling. DP's sibling she states is like DP in terms of emotional intellect, but worse. Ages ago we confided in one another about our relationships and she said 'Bunny, don't do 13 years of it like I did'. My DP has always said her sister is the more unstable, angry one and it seems she is so I sort of brushed it off.

Well I've got plans with friends tomorrow, my old hometown is about 90 mins away-going to have a coffee with one friend in the morning then going out for some food/drinks with a couple I've known for years in the afternoon.

I keep all my baking items/ingredients in a small room offset at the top of my cellar steps and everything is higgeldy-piggeldy in there because I'm lazy and just shove things back where they fit, you know the one where you pick something up and everything else falls out? So I am going to sort that out too #rockandroll

Did you get your list completed @pickledandpuzzled ?

Seeing old friends and sorting out a cupboard to prepare for a joyful hobby sound great