Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

[SpecialMangeTout]

Thanks @Daftasabroom !
Thread 9. Wow!!

[Ohdostopwafflinggeremy]

Thanks @Daftasabroom

[DunkFriesinShake]

Yay new thread!

[Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy]

Only been here a few weeks but it's become a lifeline already! I feel a little bit less alone and a bit less nuts here😂 Thank you all xx

[Daftasabroom]

Oh and please please buy from an independent or Richer Sounds. RS is 60% employee owned.

[Daftasabroom]

Sorry wrong thread.

[SpecialMangeTout]

😁😁

[SpecialMangeTout]

So I’m wondering what you would do there….

As I’ve mentioned before, DH doesn’t speak much. About anything.
When I do ask questions, it can easily open the gates onto anger and grumpiness because somehow something wasn’t quite right.

So… there are decisions to take after FIL death, linked with Inheritance. Things that we don’t agree on as some possibilities are negatively affecting me.
Told DH that much. Ask him to somehow show me he could take my physical (due to my disability) needs into account.

Not one word from him since ….
But he had a meeting today and came back talking about selling (what was) his parents house. This was never talked about as a possibility at all 😵‍💫😵‍💫.
I waited for him to give me more details (not the least because if the impact it has on me) but …. radio silence.

Not sure what my next step is going to be tbh.

[Cloudwatching57]

I have been reading this thread and wondering about my dh for a long time.
It has only recently (last 12m) occurred to me that dh might be on the spectrum but I can’t imagine ever raising it. I started suspecting his brother might be, and my thoughts ran from there.
So here are some things:
Openly admits he has no friends. He makes friends eg at work, people like him, but he doesn’t keep in touch and withdraws.
SO negative and grumpy all the time. Doesn’t listen/won’t accept when I say he is. Says he’s a realist.
Doesn’t know why he has to say he loves me - he said it 15 yrs ago when we married so why repeat?
Hypochondria but also a fear of seeking medical advice. Always has high bp whenever tested because of white coat syndrome.
Doesn’t understand dancing (“inane and pointless”) or reading fiction (“it’s not real”)
Doesn’t see the point of cuddling, touching or holding hands if we’re not going to have sex.
V sensitive to touch, doesn’t like to be tapped gently on shoulder eg.

I’m sure there’s more.

Thoughts?

[Cloudwatching57]

Oh and…he can very jealous and possessive. Doesn’t think anyone else should be touching me really, or commenting on my appearance, even a friend. Just doesn’t understand it. It’s like a very big line “you don’t comment or notice” stuff like if a female has cut her hair.

[LoveFoolMe]

These seem like autistic traits but he'd need a professional diagnosis to be sure

he doesn’t keep in touch and withdraws

he said it 15 yrs ago when we married so why repeat?

Doesn’t see the point of cuddling, touching or holding hands if we’re not going to have sex

V sensitive to touch

[hopefulsandwich]

I’m autistic. Sounds very much like he might be.

The fiction thing I relate to 100%. The thought of being tapped on the shoulder actually makes me shudder. Someone reaching out slowly to hold my hand is fine. One type of touch feels invasive, the other is predictable/expected so isn’t.

[SquirrelSoShiny]

Marking place. Still alive. Hugs all round x

[organictomatoes]

Has anyone on here ever tried couple counselling and did it work?
My DP has ADHD and very likely autism too.
He has become utterly fixated on the problems in our relationship and things we disagree on. He’s so negative. Every relationship has problems and ours aren’t huge ones - scheduling, different incomes, naturally different parenting expectations eg he’s much more permissive.
When he talks (constantly) about our problems I try so hard to be positive and kind but last week I shouted at him as I just lost control after so many months of the complaining. He lost even more control and told me to Eff off in front of our kids.
So this is the point at which to start counselling but can I expect him to not just keep moaning and saying negative things at the cost of £120 a session while nothing changes?

[LoveFoolMe]

@organictomatoes

Each of us can only change our own behaviour, not others', and people don't really change in values, outlook or character.

[Guest2023]

First time posting but have read every thread.
Finally ended my relationship last week.
Been together over a decade, two DC.
Ex diagnosed with both ASC and ADHD.
Tried everything to make it work but in the end could no longer carry on.
Hard decision but totally the right one for all of us.
Just wanted to thank you for all your posts and let you know how ever hard it seems, you do have a choice and that you must do what is right for you.

[SquirrelSoShiny]

I hope life gets easier for you now @Guest2023 x

[Cloudwatching57]

Sounds very familiar. I recently changed tactics and instead of indulging in this cycle of talking about our so-called problems I started saying “I don’t want to talk about it” and “I’m only interested in what’s good about our relationship, I don’t actually have any big concerns”. I insisted that if he was insistent on talking/resolving then it would be in counselling only (hoping that an unbiased mediator would help me deal with this). To my great shock he stopped complaining and had a complete turnaround. We haven’t (so far) had counselling but if it begins again I will happily pay £120 to not have those 24/7 bad vibes!!

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

Counselling isn’t working for us. I am trying to get on with things but find dh so difficult to live with. He won’t take any sort of perceived criticism and we just had an argument about pants! He left his on the bedroom floor this am and I nicely asked him tonight if he could not do that again. His face went all stern and he looked confused and started to explain why he had left them there etc (didn’t want to make a noise in the morning apparently)
but why can’t he just say oh yes sorry I won’t do it again!
he is draining me

[classicslove]

Hi, quick update, chemo has gone as well as possible, cancer has shrunk considerable and having surgery in 3 weeks.
BUT I am finding it so difficult to deal with my husbands complete silence on the matter. He coninues to live in his bedroom with only minimal conversation and whilst he does cook the evening meal I still have to do all the shopping (on line) and planning. He asks every morning if I slept ok and every evening on his return from work if i'm ok but does not want a conversation about it, just wants a yes or no type reply.
I am dreading the few days after surgery as even if he takes any time off work, (and its a big IF), I will need to tell him exactly what I need at every step as even expecting him to take the initiative of checking on me regularly will to much to expect.
I find while I can keep busy with work etc I feel so much better but weekends stuck in with him is getting me down and the thought of maybe two weeks of it will just take me over the edge.

[bunhead1979]

Hi classicslove- so glad to hear your treatment has gone well.

Can you arrange for someone else to look after you after your surgery? Even hire someone? I would definitely do that.

[SpecialMangeTout]

@classicslove im really happy to see you are responding well to the treatment!!
Thats one very good thing.

[classicslove]

Thank you!!
I think it's been so much easier to live with him when I can live my own life outside the relationship, I have more patience when we are together, but the constant sharing of space and inabability to escape the relentless routine is what gets to me.
I wish I did have someone else who could look after me but unfortunately I seem to be the one looking after everyone else at the moment, due to elderly relatives with poor health and adult kids with their own problems. And a brother who looks to me to solve all problems, even though he lives with elderly mother.
Oh no, sounds like a pity party 😂 not meant to be!!!!
When doctors say "positive mental attitude" I am sure they have no idea what they are asking 😂