Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

Ah bless you. Well you knew, deep down.

Fresh start. Plans to make, 2024 to plan!

I did
Not sure how I feel at all today, to be honest. I think my brain is doing the avoidance thing for now. She text and told me that 'it was killing her' and that she'd cried all the way driving back.

I have always watched programmes again (I think I know the script of the entire West Wing box set by heart!)and I'm the same with books

So I don't think it's necessarily an ADHD thing.

If she won't come and get her stuff (and it sounds like a lot!) put it in to storage and send her the bill. Or give her a date and then get it gone.

Cross post

Can you rearrange your home to fill all the space she's left? Have it how YOU want it without all her stuff?

Hmm. A mean part of me hears the sobs of a toddler whose mum is a big meany not letting her play with the poker.

Block her @TheBunnyLover . There are no upsides to dragging it out.

Could you go to some new activity/hobby? It'd just be a few quid a week or less to go to something. Or there are some things on for free.

Maybe not then @Nanny0gg , perhaps just because it is like a comfort, familiarity?I do find it difficult to concentrate on one thing at once too though. So I miss things when I watch T.V.

I've already found soemthing she left here (her house shoes under my bed).

She was very cold when she left-I'd have found it less odd if she'd have cried here rather than waiting until she wasn't with me any longer.

I am going to try my best to find myself again. Hopefully I'll have more money coming in soon. That'll help. I've arranged to see some friends soon too.

I just feel very numb today to be honest. Like nothing ever happened, she was never here, I never had a relationship ( to be fair I don't feel like I ever did, although up until around the 18 month mark things were a bit nicer, and then things got worse still when she went back to her hobby).

It’s right to grieve, to notice the loss and sadness.

To miss what was good and regret what should have been better, and the opportunities you’ve missed in the meantime.

It’s also ok to rage, or to feel absolutely knackered, have half a bottle of wine and a long bath before an early night.

The latter is my preference 😂 and has the advantage of being cheap!

@pickledandpuzzled quite! I am angry, not just at her but at myself for not standing up for my own needs enough.

Time to heal. I went out and drank too much wine on Thursday and I won't lie I think it did help! But rather than wine, I think it was meeting up with my friend who has the same sense of humour as me and is understanding. It took my mind off things and it is nice to have intelligent conversation! I barely got two words out of DP if I tried to discuss anything 'deeper' than which pub we might go to that night or which way she'd prefer to walk the dog.

Conversely perhaps, I am thinking of writing a seminar regarding the syndrome we shalt not name (as part of my job I write training material and lesson plans).

It is true though, i did say to her (I think I mentioned this already) that in the time this 'half relationship' has been occuring I could have potentially met someone who actually wants to be with me.

Not going to even consider another relationship for a long time though. I realise I am damaged and need to heal. But also, imagine I am on a date with someone I like and utter the words 'Yeh by the way my vagina doesn't work'.... 😳

I hope you are okay too-and thanks again for all your help.

@TheBunnyLover You could get on the list for some sort of therapy for your sexual trauma, or prioritise therapy when you get some cash (it is worth it.)

Also, you might find everything works better with a new partner who wasn't the one that harmed you.

@porridgeisbae I was having psychosexual therapy but it didn't really do much-I don't think the therapist really 'clicked' with me to be honest-which as a therapist myself I know can happen and isn't anyone's fault.

I have however been to the GP and asked to be referred for therapy, and have since self-referred to IAPT. I have an appointment on Monday. They also told me to go yesterday to speak to a 'wellbeing person' (I forget her official title) but I had a msg cancelling yesterday morning!😡

You're not the first person to say that. I confided in a rather blunt friend about it, some time ago who said;

'Only way you'll know if It's psychological is if you shag someone else!'
Which (obviously) I wasn't going to do! I do wonder if there's some sort of 'blockage' in my brain when it comes to her touching me

@TheBunnyLover I wouldn't have 'psychosexual therapy' as people who do that probably are 'sex people,' hence she was trying to help you shag the person who harmed you, and wanted to work with them, too.

You could have trauma therapy such as EMDR for the experience.

As you know, it is the luck/unluckiness of the draw too, sometimes you have to move on from a particular therapist and will get on well with another.

You know you were uncomfortable having sex with her, the one that injured you physically and emotionally, ever after, and couldn't relax into it.

But that doesn't mean it'll be the case with others- it might be ok, especially given time and therapy etc.

Wine is a fabulous relaxant. I use it for irritable bowel and migraine. I drink very little but know how when I need it! Then I have to cook something wine based, as I really don’t generally drink and a bottle will hand around for months.

@pickledandpuzzled I wish I was that restrained with it. I don't necessarily drink a massive amount at once regularly, but if I'm very stressed it can end up as two or three drinks a day or something. Have just been through a stressful time. Now I have to get out of the habit.

Yes she was definitely that. Plus she didn't really listen to me? I told her I can climax but it just isn't the same, takes longer and is much more difficult, and less intense-but she kept following the narrative that I couldn't at all.

She sent me some vaginal dilators too-I haven't used them. Comical looking things, I am sure they serve a purpose but no.

It might be okay I guess. In typical lesbian style I do know people I can have casual sex with but I just wouldn't, at least not yet. I do still feel love for her and it'd feel wrong.

@porridge I could do tat if I wasn't careful! Slippery slope though. I stick to a couple of times a week and/or occasions.

Bless you! I have always worried a bit about how I ‘use’ alcohol- I used to long for a cold beer on a hot afternoon when the kids were small.

I don’t anymore. I like it, use it for specific things, but don’t bother with it- partly because I handle stress better.

Try looking at that from the outside for a moment.

A woman needs therapy as a result of her boyfriend penetrating her with a blunt object so large that she sustains intimate injuries so severe that she requires medical treatment. It wasn't her idea to use them, but he persuaded her during sex, as he likes seeing that kind of thing (it's a particular genre of pornography).

She is so traumatised by it that he has refused to participate in her emotional recovery from the injuries he inflicted upon her. When she attempts to have sex with him again, he's not particularly interested in doing something that could work for her and he's told her that none of his previous girlfriends have had a problem with it. In truth, he's hoping she'll get over it so he can go back to selecting the largest items possible as that's what he likes to see. So she doesn't enjoy sex anymore and isn't certain whether it's due to the emotional impact of him betraying her trust, whether it's because he's actually not interested in making it safe and enjoyable for her or whether he has caused her permanent and irreversible injury.

Whilst she's still trying to get her head around this deeply personal injury, this assault by penetration, and the realisation that he could do something so damaging and not be falling over himself to help her heal emotionally as well as physically, he decides he'll send her a present. He's got form for sending fancy presents.

His idea of a present? Implements to make her injured vulva and vagina open up so he can go back to using the massive items on her during sex again like he wants.

If your DP cried on the way home, that is her issue to deal with, though, and not to give to you to resolve. Just parcel that one up metaphorically and give it back to her. You don’t actually know how she was on the way home, you can only deal with what you do know and what was in front of you. And as I said upthread, her emotions are not your responsibility.

I am glad that you have managed to see your GP and that you will be able to speak to a therapist and also hopefully the well-being person. The thing to remember is that this situation did not happen overnight and therefore recovering will not happen overnight. It’s been several layers of crap to deal with after the first eighteen months and you are now four years down the road. But you are taking steps to heal, which is the main thing.

Regarding whether your vagina works, I think maybe you recognise more the depth of what has happened to you here, and the context that this was not within a loving relationship. Therefore, it is not yet possible to say what will happen in a loving relationship and how sex will be in that context. I also think time and therapy will help.

You are going to come out of this stronger 💐

I cross-posted with all the recent posts somehow.
I think Nevermindyiourmooncup has it.
Vaginal dilators after what had happened is actually beyond comprehension. What happened is actually also beyond comprehension.
I think you might have got to the point with this woman that she was so fixed in what she wanted and making it seem reasonable that you lost sight of what was normal. Your DP has a cheek to burden you with her emotions at this point; but I am cynical enough to think she means to manipulate you into saying and thinking ‘oh, I am sorry you are upset, did I cause that?’

I think the sex therapist provided the dilators…

How did you find the sex therapist? Did someone suggest her?

Ah, I see.
It all sounds a bit strange.

I've been reading this thread and my heart goes out to you Bunny.

The move you've shared the clearer it is that your relation was abusive.

I wanted to share an observation I have. I hope that's okay.

You have really downplayed your (ex-)DP's traumatic childhood and the fact she's still literally living in an abusive family situation as an adult. She's downplayed it and refused to recognise it and it's as though you've just accepted that and have downplayed it too. Yet you mention she's autistic in almost every post. Your posts come across to me as you refusing to acknowledge the effects of your ex's abusive family situation on her so that you can (unconsciously) excuse the abusive behaviours she has learned and inflicts on you as being "autism".

As you must know as a therapist, victims of abuse often downplay and struggle to face up to (as you are yourself!). Victims of childhood abuse often cope with defiance, shutting down emotions, compartmentalising, selfishness, etc, and those survival mechanisms can carry into adulthood and adult behaviours. Your partner compartmentalises, focuses on her needs, shuts down emotions, can't handle situations of high emotion or avoidance, etc. These can all be ptsd or ctpsd related behaviours. Your partner still lives with her role models for a romantic relationship. She doesn't think about her family dynamic much, she shuts down those thoughts. So she will not have any self-awareness of where she has learned behaviours from that dynamic and so cannot address them. She is still in too much denial for any self-awareness.

Your partner is controlling and abusive and wants things her way only. She has shut down from anything that would help her see that and acknowledge that. She's learned to actively avoid doing any self-examination and instead lives in a state of denial and emotional shut down.

Your posts seem to barely acknowledge any of that. Instead you e focused on her autism as "reason" for some of her abusive behaviours so that you can tell yourself she can't help it and you just need to learn to understand autism better. Doing that means you haven't needed to face that you're in an abusive relationship with someone who has no desire to change.

Trauma doesn't make someone abusive. Autism doesn't make someone abusive. But someone being unwilling to consciously avoid repeating the abusive behaviours they learnt from parents growing up may make someone an abusive partner as an adult. You should really try to consider that is likely to be the case with your partner.

I think one of the things which I noticed was that my ex seemed quite controlled by his parents and their wishes. They had the same patterns and routines that he had taken on, like that was how things should be done. They were on the surface nice, but actually in some ways not, just quite critical. I remember one New Year, ex had spent time on the meal and it was a really nice meal, as he did cook well, and his dad complained about the plates not being warmed enough. It was like if he could find one thing to complain about he would. And I just thought what the actual f*ck?
It’s not abusive like what you describe Bunny but just totally perfectionist and needing to have things a certain way, and commenting when they were not. And that was not something I could cope with, especially with DC and work and everything else. There’s many instances like that. And I just thought, this is where it comes from and it is ingrained and that contributed to me wanting to run, even though I felt sorry for ex in this regard.

That sounds familiar, @MaryMcI DM says she isn’t critical or judgemental, she just notices things. She seems to ‘notice’ all the same things the most bigoted daily mail readers notice.

She helpfully points out when an outfit doesn’t suit you, too, and how you need to dress very carefully when your hips and thighs are disproportionally large. 🙄

Oh my gosh, ‘how you need to dress carefully when your hips and thighs are disproportionately large’ 😳
That is so rude! (I am pear-shaped. It’s brought to mind the mum of a school friend going on about how you could tell if someone was overweight by the thickness of their ankles compared to the rest of them - what the heck?)

DS does comment now when his father has been rude or sexist or anything like that (like dad said x, y, z and I didn’t think that was okay). It’s a bit difficult because I don’t want to badmouth his father, at the same time, I am glad that he recognises some comments are just not what you say.

I hope you are doing okay today Bunny and hear positive news about the job soon.