Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

@pickledandpuzzled
In fact it’s because he wouldn’t hear me about what worked and what didn’t, and kept doing things I didn’t like. Nothing awful- but he’d lose himself in the moment, or be clumsy, or refuse to do things differently… basically I was never ever in the mood because I probably wouldn’t enjoy it.

DP did this too. Repeatedly touched me in ways that were painful, was too rough or she'd just rush into it too quickly when I simply wasn't turned on. She was quite capable of doing it in ways that worked-because she did do that too. But 9 times out of ten she'd do it the way she wanted, that wouldn't work for me. I am sorry that your sex life has gone similar. It made me sad every time I had to stop her and say 'Don't do that please, y ou know I don't like it'.

What do you mean by this please @NeverDropYourMooncup That's very relevant to how you responded to her shit all over your house. ?

Sorry if i am being obtuse-just don't understand.

Yes, mainly I just felt very alone when that happened. I had to be examined several times, developed a psychological reaction which means orgasms are now not as intense for me and for a LONG time didn't happen at all. I had repeated kidney infections. It was my fault as well as hers, I consented to what she did. I did feel like perhaps I was being over the top but also, her abandoning me throughout the whole thing made it all so so much worse. I felt very unloved at the time and like she just didn't care, it was my problem. I think DP being autistic did have a lot to do with her 'checking out' of that, and she did feel very guilty about it but that to her means to withdraw.

I had the therapy quite early in the morning. We were both night shift workers so I just stayed up (I'd finish around 06:45 and see her around 0800-DP would finish at 07:30 ish but she'd go straight to bed as usual, didn't want to talk to a therapist.

She got the result she wanted. No inconvenience for her, no you potentially realising that it wasn't that accidental after all, no apologies, no re-establishing boundaries for consent, no ability to truly trust her again, no opportunity for the psychosexual therapist to explore your relationship being coercive and abusive. She didn't want to be inconvenienced or recognised to be the person who caused you intimate, sexual harm.

Maybe
@porridgeisbae I think the therapist wanted us to work on a plan to make it so that the psychological trauma could be undone, she wanted to talk to DP about how to move forward, what sorts of things may work, as well as me. I also said that DP was now afriad to touch me, and she wanted to discuss this too. Maybe (about individual therapy) I am going to seek some out if I can ever get thru to the damn GP.

Yes, your experiences were helpful @MaryMcI I am now a member of a lot of groups for people suffering with that syndrome mentioned by @pickledandpuzzled
I wonder what she did get out of it.

She's collecting her belongings on Friday morning after she finishes work. Then she'll have a nap here then go home. And I guess that's the last I'll see of her.

@HockeyMadd She was too overwhelmed by her own emotions and difficulties to have room or space for others. I think this is definitely what my (now ex) DP was like too. The world is too much for them. I recognise the coldness too. It just is, almost unbelievable isn't it? And so confusing for me as DP still claims to love me. But she doesn't actually LOVE. I have repeated to her and others a lot, that love is an adjective, not a noun. She doesn't actually DO it.

I am sorry you went through that, and well done for escaping sooner.
I have now recognised that I will need to do a lot to get myself back. But I hope I can.

@TheBunnyLover, your post has actually made me physically nauseas. I am so so sad for you. This is definitely an abusive relationship. Multiple infections!? And doing something to you more than once that she KNOWS you don’t like?
Add me to the chorus of those who see her as controlling and coercive, the fact that you are blaming yourself for sexual acts inflicted on you that she wanted is all the more worrying.

She is very very dangerous, get permanently shot of her as soon as possible!
Sexual abuse is a very alarming warning sign. It rings very loudly of psychopathic abuse, this personality disorder can sometimes can be mistaken for autism spectrum, and there is nothing to preclude comorbidity. Not all psychopaths have horns, and s9me of them are w9nen. Run and run fast. This is a no contact situation.

Please do not have sex with anyone again until you have strengthened your boundaries in therapy. There are a lot of dangerous people and you can get seriously hurt. Unfortunately, as you have noted, there is a lot of trauma d abuse of varying kinds in the lesbian community, it is stealth and rarely reported. Female to female abuse doesn’t fall into the usual heterosexual norms, and I think you have just had a taste of exactly how it can present.

This woman has put you through hell. You have become trauma bonded.

The fact that you mention the sexual abuse as an afterthought is very worrying, please address this specifically in therapy.

It was my fault as well as hers, I consented to what she did.

No you didn't @TheBunnyLover . You kept telling her you didn't like or want it that way. After numerous times telling her you maybe sometimes gave up saying, but that isn't the same as consenting.

Now you're out of this relationship (if you are?) you will start to process the experiences more fully. I found EMDR therapy helpful in a lot of ways. You have fbeen through trauma and you'll have that to get your head around, which EMDR is the most evidence-based therapy for. You have sexual/physical trauma from the relationship but the emotional disregard will have had an impact too.

But all of these things are workable on with therapy and medication.

She is sadistic.

She’s terrifying!

What should be a loving act but has been used to cause physical and psychological harm.

It sounds to me she may have some paraphilias? My serious danger alarms are going wild!

What do you mean by this please @NeverDropYourMooncup That's very relevant to how you responded to her shit all over your house?

Sorry if i am being obtuse-just don't understand.

You've just alluded to repeated brutal sexual assaults, lovely.

No wonder you felt pissed off by her toaster, airfryer, socks and nutribullet (or whatever particular shit she dragged in through the door into your home, the actual details don't matter, it's the fact it's her stuff) cluttering up your safe space.

She'd already repeatedly violated your body and trust - is it really a surprise that you felt irritated or swallowing back anger and the urge to scream with her leaving physical reminders that you aren't safe because she treats everything as for her use even when she wasn't there?

Please don't allow her in your home and certainly not to 'have a nap'.

Put her crap in a bin bag, chuck it outside the front door and she can pick it up without you having to see your abuser's body in your bed all day tomorrow as well.

As for what you were being used for…

You said that she is okay living with her abusive father because it saves her money. Well, moving in with you would be costing her money, not saving it. This way she gets to enjoy the luxury of a second home where all her creature comforts are waiting for her, without contributing to bills. If she lived with you even half the time, you would be within your rights for a contribution.

The odd expensive gift given to you is still far cheaper than paying hundreds in bills each month. And were the gifts personally for you or were they more things that she could also use that added to her comfort in your home? For example all the kitchen gadgetry you mentioned…

Being able to sexually abuse you without you seeing it as such is priceless! Wealthy people pay vast sums for such “pleasures”.

Having a regular break from a home where she’s not wanted / appreciated is of great value, too.

Plus, why is it about her being wanted or appreciated? What does she contribute to her family for the pleasure of living there rent free and sleeping all day? And she wants applause and praise for that? She is very lucky that her parents allow her to not contribute, even though as you say she earns a decent living.

Are you very sure “an ex” ran up these debts, or is this a story you were told? You already said she’s bad with money, did it really take someone else to run up bills for her?

You may have a lot of things that you don’t know for certain.

The only really relevant thing that you need to know, is she doesn’t care about you, she hurts you in multiple ways, and she’s bad news… she needs to be gone YESTERDAY.

I will clarify some things-thank you for everyone's concern-It's a bit personal but I'm anonymous aren't I-TMI warning.

The damage for which I was seeing a psychosexual therapist was a one-off incident that I did consent to-she used a toy on me that was far too large. I got carried away in the moment and let her-stupidity on my part. I shouldn't have let her but I did..
I was in a lot of pain afterwards and yes, got multiple kidney infections. It was a really stupid thing to do but I cannot say it was totally her fault, it wasn't.

As for our sex life apart from that, she hasn't been much interested since that incident happened as she is afraid of hurting me. I'd been examined by several different professionals and been told it could be this or that but ultimately I was told a lot of it was psychological, my brain 'wasn't letting me' feel pleasure. What I wanted was for her to help me deal with the psychosexual trauma which is causing me to not orgasm, I was diagnosed as having pelvic floor damage and muscle damage, but that has healed now and I should be able to orgasm again but I most of the time can't and it doesn't feel the same if I do-not anywhere near as intense, no build up etc. I felt she could help me repair this psychological problem.

Aside from that, from when we first began having sex to not long ago, she's done things similar to what @pickledandpuzzled has stated her DH does, clumsy, touches me too roughly, doesn't make sure I am turned on enough etc. She's the definite dominant one (very masculine presenting) but I'd repeatedly tell her she'd hurt me doing things certain ways and she didn't change, or eventually did but it took a long time for her to listen to me and do things differently.

I think the reason the sexual abuse comes almost as an afterthought is not because it is an afterthought, but because it is one of the most difficult things to acknowledge has happened to you. It is also the most difficult to express. And then if it is in the context of an intimate partner relationship, there is a disconnect between how the person should have behaved and how they have. It is easier in some ways to take some of the responsibility on yourself than to accept your partner has sexually assaulted you.
It is really, really difficult to express. (And as for the narrative that it was an accident, nobody should be in a position sexually where they do accidentally hurt someone. It was not your fault, your partner should not have done it).

To the point about getting yourself back, I understand what you mean here but the point to remember is that your self is not lost. It is your self which is taking you out of this damaging relationship and your self which is recognising that you do need to heal. Your self is still there. It might be a small glimmer, but it will grow into a beautiful light again if you nourish it.

I am sorry it made you nauseous @HockeyMadd , I hope it is a bit better now I've explained further.

I am definitely not going for intimacy with anyone else for a long time.

Yes, I agree about the lesbian community. Even Cassandra syndome documkents that I have read now, refer to it being a woman in a relationship with an ASD MAN.

@porridgeisbae as my previous post clarifies, I did consent tothat one particular thing. In our usual sex I did keep stopping her when she hurt me and I did speak to her about it outside of the bedroom too, as to what hse needed to do and not do with me.

I'd love to have EMDR-I really thinkit would help me, but I dount I can get it on the NHS and I dont think (unless I get this job, second interview on Tuesday!) I can throw money at that just yet.

I do agree I am traumatised

Sorry cross post with your more detailed one.

Sorry, I have only read as far as she used a sex toy on you that was far too large and caused you kidney infections and damaged your pelvic floor. Dear God. Sorry but no.

That’s assault. She knows female anatomy as well as you do and what fits and what doesn’t. I am so, so sorry this happened to you.

I am also really, really glad she did not come and live with you. Fuck’s sake.

I'm so sorry you went through such a brutal assault - you consented to sex, not to suffer such awful physical trauma.

I'm so sorry that she wasn't particularly interested in sex that isn't rough and aggressively focused upon what she wants.

I'm so sorry she didn't care that she would hurt you on multiple occasions.

I'm so sorry that you have been subjected to repeated acts of sexual violence and abuse.

I'm so sorry that you have been manipulated and coerced to believe that it was your fault and that there's something wrong with you for knowing unconsciously that you are not safe from further violence during sex.

The professionals haven't been able to help you because you've been tricked into not telling them the truth. That your girlfriend enjoyed exacting sexual violence and abuse upon you.

Thing is there are many more men with ASD than women, and most of them straight. Partners of Lesbians with ASD will be an extra minority.

I think if you haven’t been in this kind of relationship, it’s hard to understand how someone can be that clumsy or careless. It’s not deliberate. But if it feels good to them, it’s hard for them to process that it doesn’t feel good to you. Which is obviously ridiculous but par for the course.
There’s a lovely training course about Attachment Disorder called, Can’t dance, Won’t dance. It’s about how hard it is to learn the to and fro of loving relationships if you didn’t experience it as a baby.
Thats what’s missing in DH too- he has to work really hard at paying attention to other people’s feelings.
He can’t read them easily, can’t imagine them, and doesn’t know what to do about them when he does finally see them! Add in the distraction of sex and you’re stuffed. No chance.
It’s the equivalent of rubbing your tummy, patting your head and standing on one leg while counting backwards from 10.

The fact that she has a history of hurting you and repeatedly having to be told NOT to do that, is the definition of abuse and assault?

The toy, did you buy it, did you ask for something so large, did you insert it? Then SHE is responsible for her actions. I have never heard of anyone just inserting something so big as to cause all those medical issues without something clicking that it might not be a good idea if you haven’t trained yourself and built up to using something like that. Enormous dildos are a niche interest, and to introduce it and hurt you YET again, is In excusable!

Why would she think it okay to be trusted to use a big toy, when she couldn’t even be trusted not to hurt you with simple touch?

Caring non abusive people are careful and vigilant not to hurt their partners, and certainly not to the extent of needing medical care and long lasting internal damage affects. This is horrifying, and absolutely not normal and indeed criminal.

Whether the abuse was done deliberately or not, it is still ABUSE!

Every abuser usually has “reasons” or excuses for why they do what they do, they are still an abuser.

I see it sounds like apologism.

Without a doubt it has the same traumatic impact as abuse. I do think it’s unintentional.

I have become forthright and outspoken in the last ten, fifteen years and we are much happier. I finally stopped pussyfooting around in the to and fro and just went for what I wanted. We’re all happier 😂No mind reading needed.

She’s terrifying! What should be a loving act but has been used to cause physical and psychological harm. It sounds to me she may have some paraphilias? My serious danger alarms are going wild!

I met a bloke like that once. A sadist, and not the play acting BDSM kind.
He deliberately pinched my clit.

What was the one thing you consented to, sorry? People can do fisting if that's what you mean, without it injuring the person. But you know from her other behaviour that she doesn't care if she injures you, or she even enjoys it.

I'd love to have EMDR-I really thinkit would help me, but I dount I can get it on the NHS

You can get EMDR on the NHS in some places, but you'd probably have to push for it- explain that you're suffering from sexual trauma (you needn't go into details) and how it's effecting you.. It's well worth prioritising too, when you start earning again. I did some private and some on the NHS. I'm unable to work so I couldn't afford to do much else while I was paying for it, but it was worth it for the long term results.

I’m so sorry, that must have been excruciating and scary.

I would think what has happened to you and OP is a matter worth reporting to the police.

Even if for the sake of other women, so that if these people repeat or escalate this behaviour next time, there is a record of them doing this.

@HockeyMadd That one was an anonymous bloke I met so I wouldn't know his name etc. I've reported men to the police three times and not had any luck, they're not very good about things like this unfortunately.

I don't have time to read all the responses right now but just wanted to say how totally shocked I am by your latest posts, @TheBunnyLover .

This woman is dangerous.
Please, please look after yourself.💐

And don't let her back into your house. Just leave her stuff on the doorstep. She definitely does not deserve a nap!

I had the EMDR for all sorts of things BTW , I think it was before than incident.

I guess so, @NeverDropYourMooncup . Yes she did treat my house as if it was her own but only when she wanted to be here whereas I wanted her here all the time

She finishes a 12 hour night shift at 07:30 and wants to come here following it, would probably be dangerous for her to drive straight back home on no sleep?

@HockeyMadd yes I guess that makes sense
a lot of them were personal gifts, I can't fault her on that. She bought me a gorgeous luxury designer (the brand a lot of the royal family wear) coat, boots, clothes, she had a thing about not letting me get cold, it worried her! So she bought me a really warm coat, an 'oodie', fluffy socks etc, I had so many lovely things from her-perfume, make up.. far too much to mention.

I know she takes her Mum shopping and does some of the housework. Her Mum isn't in good health and her dad does absolutely sweet eff all in the house.

😡 She pays them £200 a month I think.

I think it was her ex because I sorted it out for her (did a fraud claim etc) and her ex's email address was on the application which is what I 'got them' on as obviously the companies argued with me at first.

I don't think she sexual stuff was purposeful, I think it is along the lines of what @pickledandpuzzled says about her DH. The way she touched me wqouldnm't have hurt her and hasn't hurt previous partners so she cannot fathom that it hurt me. She's a 'Stone Butch' so isn't touched herself.

Thank you for pointing that out @MaryMcI it is a valid point. My self is still here somewhere. i am going to copy that paragraph and keep it in a note somewhere.

Point taken about her knowing anatomy-I did confide in a friend who said the same thing. She did feel very bad about that incident though we did talk about it once the worst was over-she said she 'just couldn't handle it' hence leaving me to deal with it all myself.

Thank you @NeverDropYourMooncup . Maybe-I mean the psychosexual therapist was a lovely woman but she didn't seem to really understand how I felt. It did really really upset me at the time how I felt so damaged-I am finding a glimmer of hope in it perhaps being psychological. I have some exercises I do. Self care might even help? I dont know-I am not 'fixed' yet. I hope eventually everything comes back and I can feel properly down there again, I used to really enjoy sex.

She finishes a 12 hour night shift at 07:30 and wants to come here following it, would probably be dangerous for her to drive straight back home on no sleep?

Not your problem. She's got a car. It has seats. She can sleep in that somewhere else. It's certainly less dangerous than what she's done to you.

And of course she knew it hurt you. Just like she knew the other times when she hurt you. And that you might get cold.

To put it bluntly, if she is capable of raping you with an foreign object, she is either doing it in the full knowledge that it's for her pleasure and to hurt you or she's so mentally disabled/impaired/has such a severe personality disorder that she shouldn't be outside a locked residential facility,

Hang on. 12 hour night shift ending at 7.30am and well paid. She's not a nurse or doctor, is she?

@pickledandpuzzled I am no expert on what makes females feel more comfortable being masculine in their presenting but ex DP is very masculine, often mistaken for a man (genuinely). I wonder if there is some connection there with ASD(well we do know ASD people are more likely to be gay so there's that).

Yes, I agree it is because when she touched me and it hurt, it was hard for her to believe me-she didn't think it would because it wouldn't have hurt her and hadn't hurt some previous partners. So to her, it took ages for it to sink in that those repeated actions hurt me every time. The penultimate time we had sex I had to stop her,telling her something like 'Why are you doing that? You know it doesn't work!'

I have not heard of that course. I like the metaphor about sex. It's so true isn't it

@HockeyMadd she bought it. She knew it was too large but thought it'd be okay I think. She has used a similar one on me after I recovered, a smaller one and that was fine.
I have never had anything that large before, I am quite small generally, and just, it didn't work

I think she's just quite 'simple' in her thinking too but i take what you're saying. Abuse is rarely interpreted as such by the abuser, I do know that

@porridgeisbae I am so sorry that happened to you too, it sounds awful!

No not fisting, I'd NEVER do that although i know DP said her ex liked it.

I could try to access EDMR. My GP is aware of what happened, I hated telling her! She's a very sweet woman but is religious and her religion I know, do not approve of homosexuality anyway-I am sure she didn't judge but... I had to tell her because of the kidney infections and referring for examinations.

I will look after myself @PaminaMozart , I'll try, it is just knowing where to start really. I am still feeling lonely and sad of course, and I cannot, again thank everyone enough for contributing to this thread.