Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

‘She knew it was too large’

I haven’t had time to catch up on the recent posts but I think that sentence speaks for itself.

I also don’t think she should nap at yours when she comes to get her things. She doesn’t need to be in your house.

she's so mentally disabled/impaired/has such a severe personality disorder that she shouldn't be outside a locked residential facility

I do worry about this a little, perhaps not in all ways (she works, drives etc, she's an excellent driver actually) but that perhaps she is mentally disabled to a point that some forms of thinking are just outside of her realms of accessibility.

No she isn't, she's not educated really. Left school at 14 after always being in trouble, couldn't concentrate or do her work properly (undiagnosed ASD and possibly other difficulties) . She did a course at college some years later.

She is quite well paid as she's been in her job a while and works nights.

They’re not taken seriously because other women didn’t report them. If there is a history with unrelated accusers, you can be assured the police take it seriously. Worth reporting even when not expecting a result.

Don’t let her come and nap at your house! She can come on her day off and you can leave all her stuff on the doorstep in binbags. Don’t let her come after a shift and nap before setting off because it suits HER to do that! You don’t have to play by her rules anymore - don’t let her across the threshold

Can sympathise regarding the concerns about severe disablement / information processing deficiencies, this is when I realised in my own relationship that I needed to accept that things may never change in that regard, or that indeed they may get worse.

I realised my ex was masking quite heavily in the first months, always smilie and easygoing… later I realised the situation was the opposite, even her dog avoided her because she was so very strict with him.

There was serious control surrounding food and it’s preparation, lots of other unusual and rigid idiosyncrasies to do with daily living, and if I did it differently to how she had specified it should be done - woe betide, it would be like I had committed an act of high treason, and there was no reasoning with her.

There were also so extreme manifestations of sexuality, and some implied comments that she may have paraphilias. I did wonder if I was dealing with a personality disorder… probably six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Being on the spectrum doesn’t mean you don’t manipulate and lie… I caught her in several, for example, pretending to be a very active early riser for months, and it turned out she was rarely out of bed before midday, very similar experience to you.

I realised she was living with a lot of anxiety and this is how it manifested.
I’m not very happy with what happened, but I can forgive it, but I definitely couldn’t continue living with it.

She knew a thing was too large but deliberately used it on you anyway. That's not ok.

Don't let her sleep over. You have feelings too and it'd be awkward. And although it might feel like it sometimes, you're not her mum, you don't have to be a service for her comfort etc. She should come down at a time that's best for her to drive, but that's not your responsibility to worry about.

OP I remember your posts about helping with banking etc

I'm sorry if I missed it but have you absolutely definitively ended it?

Leave the stuff in a bag and can a friend hand it to her instead? It would be better if you didn't see each other.

I think I must have also missed the post where OP ended it?

Absolutely do not let her nap at your house. She can make her own arrangements if she is too tired to drive. You need her out of your space.

As for the sexual injury - oh darling, I am
sorry. She should have been there for you when you were hurting and struggling, not washing her hands of it.

OP I started reading this knowing about the practical help you gave her in the past, I said to leave her to sort her own stuff.

But reading this through, it is horrendous. You have been abused to the point you are ill. Possibly experiencing a bit of Stockholm Syndrome.

Be glad that she is far away. You could chuck her stuff out. Hell, I'll come round and do it for you. She is a really nasty piece of work. The reasons why she is that way don't matter.

Is she likely to come by demanding her stuff back? I'm guessing she won't do the drive for that.

Are you at risk of physical harm if she turns up?

She sounds like...well, I don't have the words but if you courier her stuff back (is that an option) then she might well be the type to just move on and forget it all.

I am so so sorry this happened to you.

OP, what strikes me when reading your posts is that you must have very low self esteem, a very poor relationship history, to have loved this woman for so long, when she clearly treated you so very badly. You refer to her autism so often and I wonder if you used it to explain or justify the behaviour to yourself - but then your subsequent posts reveal that she herself was abused and has in fact been abusive to you, as well. So the autism isn't even the half of it, it's a red herring IMO.

You write very long posts focusing on details about her and things that have happened between you... it seems that you are much more focused on her than on yourself which makes me wonder if you are codependent. I really think you need to focus your thoughts and efforts on yourself. You most definitely need therapy or counselling to unpick what's happened to you and to help you heal.

I hope you will return her belongings and then block her from your life and your thoughts.

In the longer run, I wonder if you would find the Freedom Programme helpful.

Sorry ignore my comment about the freedom programme; I'd missed that you said you tried it and didn't find it helpful.

Individual therapy is a must though, I think.

Chiming in to agree that she doesn’t need to sleep at your house. The relationship is over. She doesn’t get to ignore your needs while you continue to meet hers now.

Self care. Love yourself. Really love and cherish yourself. Invest in friendships. In plans for you, holidays for you.

How is it some of us seem programmed to build our lives around other people? I need things to look after, but plants and pets go a long way to fulfilling me, along with voluntary work and self care.

I presume you know the song ‘I can buy myself flowers’? Play it loud. It’s great.

Oh gosh, I dropped off for a few days and this is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry OP.
You said she is a Stone Butch - forgive my ignorance - she won't be touched in any sexual way? So when you say you have sex it's actually her (attempting to) give you pleasure rather than something mutual?
You don't have to agree to her picking up her stuff after work. You say "she will want to" and then the nap after, like you have no agency here!
But you do, you can say no, sorry, that doesn't work for me. And she can collect it on her day off (better still, from a friend).
In your shoes I think I'd just drive it round to be done with it.
I hope you are OK, this is a lot

I think it is the point I made upthread, and I feel like I am talking about you Bunny sorry, is that the desire for a loving, intimate relationship was your weak point. Because she gave you just enough of that and the imagined future for you to hold onto it, and just enough excuses for you to believe she didn’t really mean to be so bad. The overwhelming desire for a loving, intimate partner relationship made you vulnerable.

It is not a criticism. Ex used the rhetoric and concept of ‘family’ to manipulate me. It took me a while to realise he was doing it because family is a wholesome, good concept, right? But when I was thinking about your thread last night, I was reminded of the scene from Frozen which absolutely illuminated the issue of vulnerability for me. Bear with me here! Frozen came out after we had separated. Both Anna and Elsa had an emotionally neglectful childhood locked in a castle because of Elsa’s ice powers. At Elsa’s coronation, Anna is romanced by Prince Hans and falls in love with him. In one evening. He totally lovebombs her.

Then it turns out he wants the kingdom, if I remember correctly, and later in the movie throws her into a locked room. She cannot understand why he is doing this, he is supposed to love her. He says something like ‘you were so desperate for love you would believe anything’.

And harsh as that is, it chimed with me. That is what ex did, he totally lovebombed me and sold me an imagined future and I bought it, because I wanted it and was in some ways desperate for love. Which creates cognitive dissonance as you later try to work out why you are being abused by this person who is supposed to love you. Who has been loving in the past.

Now to be very, very clear, the person who is supposed to love you should not abuse you. The person who says they love you should not abuse you. There is nothing wrong with wanting a loving relationship or to be a family. I don’t like the idea of co-dependency as it makes it sound like the person who is abused and does not recognise this for what it is or say to immediately leave is somehow responsible. But if you unpick the relationship, what you see time and time again is that you have elevated the other person’s needs above you own because you are compassionate and kind and it seems plausible to do so and believe the story they are selling you. And society and culture surround us with images of loving relationships and families so it is perfectly normal to want that. It does take time to ‘see’ abuse when it is directed at you, and when you have a long distance situation, there is less time together.

I have forgotten where I was going with this post, so I am going to post it.

Oh Bunny, you are going to have a lot of reading! 😬All these comments every time you look.

Someone said this on another thread about whether sex is a ‘need’. It really chimes with me, and may help you, too.

“People do however have a 'need' for safety, which explains why people find it very difficult to go through with sex they don't want and why there are so many sexless marriages. Often people will try to go along with it and end up with a sexual aversion, and when someone ends up with a sexual aversion their whole body and mind is screaming at them not to have sex, hence why most dead bedrooms aren't fixed.”

I also find the dynamic of stone butch unhealthy- where’s the mutual loving there? I guess it’s a control thing. We also had a bit of that dynamic- he couldn’t really handle his own sensations. He got off on doing things to me- but not while watching my reactions to see if it was good. I felt a bit like a toy.

Oh God, I scrolled back to read your comments properly Bunny as I had missed the Stone Butch thing. It made my blood run cold. That sounds really controlling. Was there a top/bottom dynamic here? She was in control of what happened, you submitted? That aligns with the buying expensive gifts, and being ostensibly concerned about you being cold. It’s taking away your autonomy to choose in some ways and be in a reciprocal relationship where love is about give and take.

I mean, one of the things as a parent I decided very early on was that once my DC were a certain age, old enough to know if they were warm or cold, they had the choice to wear a coat or not, or gloves or warm socks or if they wanted an Oodie (one DC did, the other did not). And to choose what clothes they want from the shops (I would steer on quality and fit, but their choice, they would be the ones to wear it). The showering with gifts which are about what you wear and how you smell is about how you should be for her. It doesn’t see you as an autonomous human being.

i too think the autism is a red herring. You have a controlling person for whatever reason.

does she definitely know you are broken up? Does she know she is expected to pick up her things, nap and then leave again? Are you sure she is not expecting a normal weekend at yours on her terms? Because my fear would be that is what she expects and will steamroller through if you let her in.

(edited to add: sorry, it feels very weird to talk about sex and then parenting in the next paragraph, but my linking point is about autonomy, and the fact that I thought the worrying about you being cold when you are a grown woman infantilising).

@HockeyMadd there are some similarities but I can't figure out if your ex sounds similar to mine. She sounds worse in a lot of ways to be fair, mine isn't bad tempered at all, very mild mannered in fact. I dont think she has paraphilias either. Maybe the sleepiong for so long is a manifestation of deep anxieties.

Yes I have ended it to those asking. She ultimately told me she'd never be with me properly, would never move here and I said that's that then.

I don't know how I feel to be honest. Quite numb. I do love her, and I do have that 'rescuer' thing as in, I dont think she'll fare well in further relationships, and will likely end up destitute unless she finds another 'me' but I realise that isn't my problem, a lot of people in her position (as a friend of mine said ) would have bitten my hand off to come and share my life but I realise she isn't one of those people. Her parents have left their house etc. To her nephew rather than their own children. Odd IMO but whatever.

@SheilaFentiman I did even say to DP over the course of that happeneing that yes, the injuries were agnoising but her 'abandoning' me throughout was much worse.

@EmmaEmerald maybe I am. I do feel quite 'ill' to be honest. She won't drive down to get her stuff, and she's not violent-she feels very strongly about never raising her hand to women, I don't have to worry about that.
I think she will move on quickly to be honest. And thank you for the sympathy, it is appreciated a lot.

@AnotherEmma I do have a poor relationship history aside from one relationship around twenty years ago that was brilliant.

I do like to write, it helps me process things, that's just who I am-I write a lot and am in the midst of writing a thesis, I write lesson plans etc-It's just my 'thing' so that could explain some of that.

I do want to access some counselling. Yes the freedom program was odd for me, I felt like I was abusive after doing some of that, as I said in a PP I do recognise its merit and I do recommend it to others-it is very heteronormative and simplistic and just not for me.

@pickledandpuzzled I will try to do some self care, not sure where to start to be honest!

I am like that too-I like to nurture, probably why I am in the profession I am in. Good idea with the song! Maybe I need to find some others too.
Jar of Hearts is one I relate to.

I am not sure the stone butch thing really matters, my amazing ex was a stone butch too and she loved me to death, no abuse whatsoever, It's quite common and not necessarily a reflection on someone's psyche in a negative way. I will say that relationship was perfect, we still speak. But obviously she ultimately left me to pursue her dreams of travelling-that's not a life I'd enjoy.
I have to go out now but I will respond again later. Thank you for all who've taken their time out to help me.

I am back-sorry, I went for lunch and a look round with my Mum today, something she suggested as she knows how down I've been feeling.

@Verybadbride Thank you-well as I said earlier, I dont think being a stone butch is unusual in lesbian communities, i know quite a few. My gf does orgasm through sex, but she doesn't like being touched, oral or fingers or anything, it doesn't give her pleasure.

i really don't want to drive all the way to her house. I HATE The drive, one reason I didn't want long distance in the first place. She doesn't mind it at all. I always seem to get caught in traffic, bad weather, accidents, diversions, I get lost...

@MaryMcI yes it definitely was a weak point. I guess I was vulnerable in some ways although I have no 'actual' vulnerabilities I guess I was situationally vulnerable. Autism is a vulnerability I guess? But I was vulnerable to her in this case. It was very 'drip feed-y' and difficult to see what was going on, you're right there. She presents very efficiently and a lot of people think she's kind-she IS kind in a lot of ways, she's very protective and loving, will help old ladies across the road kind of thing, we went to a gig in a pub once and the singer was really suffering with hayfever and she went home to get some anti-histamines for him, she takes her Mum to the hospital and shops for her, etc-she isn't someone I could instantly see is anything negative. And long distance will have potentially made it harder. I haven't seen Frozen, but that makes sense.

@pickledandpuzzled We do show mutual love during sex ( or did, more accurately) much of the time. She did WANT to pleasure me, just didn't know how to do it and as already said, she quite possibly can't fathom how what she was doing didn't work as it likely had with others. She does sound much like your DH in that respect.

Yes there definitely is a 'top/bottom' thing but not so 'severe' as that-I'd often be on top during actual sex, which I don't mind. I've dated stone butches before including my amazing ex from years ago. It's quite common for masculine presenting women to not like being touched. I also had casual relationships some years ago with women who were the same, very dominant but they've NEVER hurt me, ever.

I am submissive with dominant women but it has never been an issue before, they usually, as mentioned upthread, would be mortified if they ever hurt anyone and would make sure they didn't, even with a dom/sub dynamic.

@MaryMcI I like that, regarding your parenting-my Mother was like that too. As soon as I was old enough to have preferences, clothes were my choice.

Yes, she does know we've broken up. She has messaged me today telling me how sad she feels and that she's sorry for how much she's hurt me.

You are not responsible for her emotions regarding the break up. You have to deal with your own.
I hope you had a nice day with your mum.

she quite possibly can't fathom how what she was doing didn't work as it likely had with others.

It's not uncommon for abusers to say that their ex's liked something as an excuse/justification for doing it.

What about meeting halfway for the handover? A coffee shop or something?

I’m glad you had an outing with your mum. Self care for me is things like, wearing perfume, doing my nails and actual basic stuff like washing and dressing properly, as I can get a bit low and minimalist!

It’s sitting with a coffee and a good book, or going for a walk. Doing a craft project or watching TV just because I want to. Actually that’s interesting- it’s working out what I want to do, and doing it! Not just going along with what ought to be done when.

Don’t give an inch

She has physically attacked you
i think some posters might have missed that

I don’t care what weird paraphilic excuse she has

does she really need her stuff back? Get her to book a courier collection.

@MaryMcI I did thank you although I got randomly teary at one point-It's odd, I don't even know when it is coming, it just happens!

@porridgeisbae you've reminded me that when she was really, really awful to me on the day out I mentioned earlier in this thread, she said it was because of how her ex treated her. We talked that one through and she said she didn't mean to as I was nothing like her ex but she accepts that that is why she did that to me. Said her ex would often embarrass her by shouting at her in front of people.

@pickledandpuzzled we did have a nice time thank you although I still clutched back tears at a few points-nothing about the day itself I am just struggling-it passed.

I agree about self-care, i have often said similar to clients and friends. Just do what YOU want, it can be anything at all, work out what that is as our brains can get so used to not even considering it if we're not careful. Watching TV is a big one for me as I dont usually do it. I've dyed my hair today and painted my toenails. I am also going to try to eat better, go to bed earlier, pick my writing back up.. I'll go to the pub with my friend one night this week. I have the interview tomorrow so I need to prepare for that...

@AnotherEmma I really dont think she purposely caused me that injury although I do still get upset if I think of how abandoned I felt in the aftermath.

There's SO much stuff here. Honestly if you walked in you'd think two people lived here. A whole wardrobe full of clothes, separate food cupboard for things she likes, appliances, shoes, dog-related items, crockery (I'd forgotten about that one)!

Tomorrow! Fantastic. That’s your focus then.

My nails are in need of attention. I find it hard to tread the line between self neglect and doing what you want.
I find personal grooming an energy sponge and a chore, but recognise it’s nice to look respectable and be clean! I have to focus on priorities- don’t put on nail varnish if you’re actually struggling to clean your teeth every day 😆