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Original poster

Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

497 replies

TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 19:48

I really don't want to break up Sad

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 19:51

The A and B thing is annoying, just say which one you are, it’s anonymous anyway. B wouldn’t move, or let A have a free ride. Honestly you just don’t sound very well matched. But B absolutly should not move and rent.

jlpth · 23/10/2023 19:54

Neither seem in a position to move. Both are near family.

Also, neither seem to have a desperate burning desire to move so they can be with the other - regardless of the practicalities.

can you carry on as you are?

either got kids?

Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 19:57

Thanks both-sorry if the way I've put it was annoying Sad I didn't think of that.
No children.
A is a lot more okay with the situation than B who is miserable about it-but this is mainly due to A living with parents and B not liking the long drive whereas A likes visiting B and doesn't mind driving and doesn't see it as a big hardship. We both do want to live together but neither of us are sure what to do. We've discussed splitting up but the thought upsets us both.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 19:58

Why can’t you just carry on as you are if As happy to drive?

AutumnCrow · 23/10/2023 19:59

Can you just write it again, with who you are? Do a summary? I am finding it quite hard to follow that, I'm afraid.

Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:00

@TeaKitten we do want to live together. And B often brings up that it is expensive and lonely living alone. We both miss one another, sometimes It's weeks between us seeing one another.

OP posts:
happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 20:02

Please stop with the A & B It's so hard to read. Or use a different letter that isn't A as A is also a word.

Anyway. It's up to them to come to a compromise between them that's the point of relationships. If they can't get over this hurdle together and think of a solution then it won't work.

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 20:03

TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:00

@TeaKitten we do want to live together. And B often brings up that it is expensive and lonely living alone. We both miss one another, sometimes It's weeks between us seeing one another.

It being expensive to live alone is not a good enough reason to move in with a romantic partner

Catopia · 23/10/2023 20:03

How far actually is the distance?

I would personally suggest A takes 2 weeks off work, goes and lives with B in their house and they both job hunt and see if that changes their perspective at the end of it.

If A will not or cannot move I cannot see how they will move this forward. B is right that it makes no sense for B to continue to pay mortgage and rent another property. And A would not be giving up a property - if it didn't work out then A would presumably move back home again.

However, B may struggle to support A in moving up without a job if they are not themselves currently working, even with the passive income from the rentals.

I suppose the other question is would A's currently job consider partially or fully remote working?

TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 20:04

B owns 5 properties, they can afford to live alone. And A is broke anyway so it’s not going to help. Neither of you are loanly or happy enough to make a sacrifice for each other…

VioletCharlotte · 23/10/2023 20:05

I'm guessing you're B? My young adult son is autistic, familiarity and feeling safe is very important to him. If he was A, he wouldn't be keen to move away and would be very daunted at the prospect of finding a new job and it could be really detrimental to his mental health.

If you're B and you really want to be with A, you need to take their disability into account and be prepared to move to where they live. You say you have multiple properties and can find work anywhere, you're in a much stronger positon that A. I would rent look at renting out the property you live in for 12 months and renting somewhere in A's town for you both to live in. That was if it doesn't work out, you can go back to your own home and A can go back to their

SaracensMavericks · 23/10/2023 20:05

It's a tricky one but reading your opening post I have more sympathy with B.

Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:09

I shouldn't have used 'A' should I. Sorry.

@happylittlesloth that's just another 'thing' I think rather than the sole reason. Both parties want to live together and not have separate lives any more, but can't decide how to do it.

@Catopia roughly 3 hr drive.

'A' has 'lived' with B albeit not for quite two weeks-about ten days. 'A' is worried that if things didn't work out that yes, they could move back home again easily but they'd not be able to find work again.

B would likely rent their house out if they moved-but have said that this would be expensive at first-as the house is not up to BTL standard.

B is confident that they'll find work once their current contract ends-they have the sort of job where there's always a certain type of work you can go into, not the most desirable but work nonetheless-that isn't worrying them.

A's job definitely not something that can be done remotely unfortunately (think something like construction).

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 20:11

A can find a job… and then move. Seen as they are in Bs area sometimes anyway and have somewere to move into straight away. Why won’t you say which one you are?

TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 20:13

Also would As job not consider them for employment again if they moved back?

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 20:14

VioletCharlotte · 23/10/2023 20:05

I'm guessing you're B? My young adult son is autistic, familiarity and feeling safe is very important to him. If he was A, he wouldn't be keen to move away and would be very daunted at the prospect of finding a new job and it could be really detrimental to his mental health.

If you're B and you really want to be with A, you need to take their disability into account and be prepared to move to where they live. You say you have multiple properties and can find work anywhere, you're in a much stronger positon that A. I would rent look at renting out the property you live in for 12 months and renting somewhere in A's town for you both to live in. That was if it doesn't work out, you can go back to your own home and A can go back to their

Take it into account sure. But don't rule out the possibility of A moving home.

Why is A living with parents - are they are carer for one of them?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/10/2023 20:17

It's clear you are B.

Moving will be 10 times harder for your partner due to their autism. But frankly, living together for 10 days is no guide for how it would work out and if either of you give up your lives your at risk.

But given the job situation, the risks for your partner are much more. So, if you really want to do this then you, B, should move.

PaminaMozart · 23/10/2023 20:18

Why is he skint or doesnt have savings, given he has a good job and lives with his parents, thus presumably having fairly low living costs?

He only works 4 days a week, so why doesn't he just spend 3 days a week with you? He could even get a part time job there, maybe a couple of shifts at a pub or supermarket.

I wouldn't uproot myself, given your circumstances.

(NB: your own savings seem pretty low. Not much to fall back on if one of your rental properties suddenly needs a new boiler or you have a long void/tenants stop paying...)

Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:19

I think I just wanted opinions without saying which one I was as I didn't want a 'AIBU' sort of situation. I can see both sides of this but obviously I am unable to be completely non-biased about it as I am in it.

But yes, I am B.

DP's autism was not something I knew about straight away. Also DP didn't tell me they'd thought about the situation again and now wasn't sure, I had to prize that information out. I am now crestfallen obviously, and I am wondering if I would be completely mad to even consider moving to DP rather than the other way around. Before getting into this situation I made myself very clear, but I didn't know about the autism then, and I think this is a big part in why DP said would be fine moving without really considering it properly.

DP says their work won't ever take people back @TeaKitten , I thought that myself.

@happylittlesloth no caring duties, just for an easy life I think. DP did have a rented house when we met but moved back in with parents because it was cheaper and the option was there-a few outgoings (debts from a previous relationship) but nothing major.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 20:21

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/10/2023 20:17

It's clear you are B.

Moving will be 10 times harder for your partner due to their autism. But frankly, living together for 10 days is no guide for how it would work out and if either of you give up your lives your at risk.

But given the job situation, the risks for your partner are much more. So, if you really want to do this then you, B, should move.

See I think B would be stupid to move. They would be loosing money to rent out a house in an undesirable high crime rate area that they don’t want to live in, for ‘possibly a year’ possibly forever. When they made it clear from the offset they weren’t looking for a long distance relationship or willing to move, and A was adamant they’d be happy to move. A has no money, presumably hasn’t even lived without their parents before. B would be daft to move. Im not sure what the answer is, and it’s possible that the relationship just isn’t viable.

TeaKitten · 23/10/2023 20:22

So A has debt too… you are only going to loose our financially here.

Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:23

I am glad to have opinions that differ to each other. Helping me see things a bit clearer I suppose. @PaminaMozart DP just seems to never have much money-spends a lot. Touch wood I've always had enough for expenses like that, I can borrow money very cheaply, when things have happened I've always managed. I think me and DP would have a nice life here if we pooled finances once both working properly anyway-in DPs area, not so much but I can see why DP is reluctant Sad

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 20:23

Are you older than A, or just more set up?

I think this is one of the drawbacks of looking for a relationship when you're presumably no longer in your 20s or whatever.

People get settled in their area and understandably don't feel able to move, especially as their parents get older etc.

I wouldn't want to move (at least not far) so can only really date someone fairly local.

Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:25

Some vehicle loans and old council tax bill etc. @TeaKitten . I helped DP sort out a lot of debt that an ex partner had taken out! Took some doing. Also DPs bank account was hacked some time ago and the bank wouldn't refund, so that lost DP about £1K and meant using overdraft for a long time which didn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBunnyLover · 23/10/2023 20:26

@porridgeisbae I am younger by a few years-but to be fair I was dealt a much better hand in life than DP. I'm from a hardworking family who had the finances to send me to Uni, DP was kind of 'dragged up' and obviously has a disability.

OP posts:
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