Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

I've read your posts again and I think he's very manipulative, actually.

As the PP said, if you'd been given full information at the start, you wouldn't have begun a relationship with him. Now he's making false promises about what he'll do in a year's time.

Nothing about his decisions are to do with your best interests, OP. You deserve someone who puts you first.

I am not putting DP first though am I, either? Aside from we'd have a better life in lots of ways if DP moved here. But life is only 'better' if it is what you want isn't it? Some stereotypically 'better' things than what I have, aren't what I want. If that makes sense at all!

Of course you want to live with someone you love! That is a perfectly natural aspiration and longing. But at what cost to yourself? Because that is the question here.

I mean, I am thinking about things such as, I went on a date with someone years ago who had a lot of money and a jet-setting lifestyle. The dream for many people but for me? I don't like being away from home and am not much interested in holidays abroad- So although that's a 'better' life, it wouldn't be better for me personally.

So although things may be 'better' here for DP moving here rather than the other way around (we'd have more disposable income, a nicer area etc) if it isn't what DP wants, it isn't 'better' is it.

I am not sure about manipulation-can autistic people be manipulative? Probably-I honestly think DP just wasn't capable of thinking about the implications of moving before it came to a bit of a crunch.

I don't think many people have said you should move to live with him.

She can probably see the bigger picture and understand why A has struggled in life and isn’t where most people should be at his age with regards to achievements in the traditional sense.

I’d break up. Love is not enough.

Ifs apparent from what you have said that there are massive issues that would make living together hard and whoever moved would be very resentful.

Yes it will be tough but better now than after you are living together and one of you has upended their life

Does it really matter whether he is being manipulative or simply not thinking about the implications?

he doesn’t want to move and neither do you, and you don’t want a LDR.

I’ve been in a similar situation OP, I was in a long distance relationship for three years trying to work out a life together and it broke our relationship in the end I’m afraid to say. I was also reluctant to get into it in the first place but he convinced me that he would move and change his life - in this case not only was there distance in terms of hometown but his work also kept him away almost all of the time. It got into a situation of a lot of promises, then moving of the goal posts, followed by me eventually giving up my home, good income/job and security (and family/friends etc) for a poor compromise that made neither of us happy. It wasn’t the only reason we broke up but it bred resentment which I think we ultimately couldn’t get past. It completely tanked my finances, I’m still recovering on that front now, and was extraordinarily painful all round.

So I would be really careful about moving to him, especially if you would be aiming to later move elsewhere - it sounds like that may well not happen, and you could end up very unhappy. Unless you’ve spent really prolonged periods with him you also don’t really know what it would be like together in a day to day relationship. If there are problems now and you think being together might solve these, it’s quite possible that it won’t, and you could even find they get worse - or you encounter things that just haven’t come up when spending shorter periods with each other.

Just be very cautious, you’ve got a lot to give up and it doesn’t sound like it would be very balanced at the moment. Don’t compromise yourself, you’d have to really want this move and to embrace his place and world to make it work I think.

I’ve only read your posts.

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it because he isn’t ready to think as a couple.

He’s doing well as a part time partner. Being a couple is different, it means sticking to plans, considering someone else’s needs - all the time, not just for visits.

It’s a bit like how you have children and discover that 24/7 isn’t what you thought it was.

Don’t do it. He can’t imagine it. He can’t do it.

Remove the pressure/expectation for him to move and he may well get round to it. Any suggestion of it being hurried will slow him right down!

So let him come to you when he’s ready.

I am not sure about manipulation-can autistic people be manipulative?

Autism often isn't the entirety of someone's personality make up. So yes, someone could have ASD and also have manipulative traits.

There's a culture nowadays where people get victim points and can use those victim points to try and get others to let them get away with behaviour someone without that social currency wouldn't get away with etc.

She can probably see the bigger picture and understand why A has struggled in life and isn’t where most people should be at his age with regards to achievements in the traditional sense.

We can all understand that, but understanding it doesn't mean he has to be husband material. Not because of his achievements, but because of his qualities (or lack thereof.)

It seems to me like you are tying yourself in knots here trying to persuade yourself that you should move because you love him, when all the practicalities are against it.
I think you are doing this because you are a kind, compassionate person who knows she can solve the problem you both face (like you have resolved other problems for DP).
In short, in your relationship, you have solved the problems. That is how you are. Now there is this big problem which to solve you have to move areas, move house, live somewhere you don’t want to live, and you could solve this problem so everything would be fine for DP and better for him.
Just because you can solve a problem for someone else does not mean you should.
You are not solving the problem for both of you here. You are solving it for him.
I wouldn’t do it.

Understanding it doesn't mean she has to move in with him

He can’t do what you want him to be able to do. He needs people to facilitate his daily life. This is why he lives with his parents (and is subsidised by them, which is why it’s not the utter disaster it could be that he can’t manage his money).

You may think you are fine with doing all of this facilitating, but I don’t think this is really part of your dream of living together in partnership.

I can see this happening: he moves to be with you, as you want, but it’s too much change for him, and it turns out he doesn’t actually like living with a partner full time, and it burns him out and he withdraws a lot and you feel lonelier than you did before. And he resents you for being the agent of all the change that is so hard for him to manage, and he’s miserable and anxious, which leads to burnout, which makes it hard for him to find / keep work. So money becomes a real problem. And he can’t make any decisions jointly with you because it’s too anxiety provoking, and all too much to process, and he needs more time and any decision feels like way too much pressure. And though he’s miserable, he can’t move out or end the relationship, because that feels like an overwhelming change/decision too, and also he has no money to move out. And before you know it, you are both stuck, and you’re paying for everything and doing his washing / cooking / laundry, and he doesn’t even seem to like spending time with you, and needs hours and hours of alone time / hobby time every day - much more than you’d realised when you were just seeing each other every couple of weeks. And in his mind you’re the reason everything is so miserable and stressful, because you insisted on change.

If it works as it is now, more or less, don’t try to force a change. If you want a live-in partner who can be engaged in making choices with you in life, let go of this relationship and find someone who is more able to be independent.

I would personally have a cut off here and let him know that if he wants to move by X date (whatever is reasonable) that is great, you will welcome him with open arms. If he does not, say that you will consider the relationship over with no hard feelings. It's in his court. You were very clear at the outset. He needs to make this choice himself.

Also, over time facilitating someone in this way can get very unromantic. You can start to feel like a carer, because you’re prioritising their needs all the time.

And why does that mean he will be a good life partner? What does he bring to the table?

Thank you all
I am reading everyone's replies and I appreciate them. I'll reply properly as soon as I can, just been busy (& very upset, if I'm totally honest).

This is a really excellent, insightful post

I agree. But that has nothing to do with what the previous poster said, which was

Literally no clue what B sees in A

B can see there is more to A than his current living arrangements and employment suggest and it’s those things she loves about A. She knows him. We don’t. But that aside, do people really need it spelt out to them?

its nothing to do with them living together. It was about you apparently not being able to understand that there’s enough about him for someone to fall in love with.

Thr entire thread is about then moving in together. That is the whole point. He wants her to have a worse life in doing so.

you are taking this very personally. It isnt about you.

Sorry OP but A sounds a nightmare in waiting. He's living at home was working part time, in between jobs now and overspends. I fear if you moved in it wouldn't be long before he quit whatever job he had due to stress and was sponging off you. I definitely wouldn't move and would insist he got a job before he moved in with you.

The lack of money is a massive red flag.

He also future faked you and only when really pushed did he admit that.

There's no way that if you move to him and rent, he'll ever leave the area.

Love isn't always enough, you see lots of similar posts on here. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I think you posted on here because your gut is screaming at you not to do this.

I agree that love isn't enough to have a happy relationship. It's a myth we're fed from a very young age.