Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

Just stop being so ridiculous. Why would I take it personally? What a strange thing to say. Unless you’ve actually done an advance search on my posts and know that I have a son who’s on the spectrum. Not that he could ever be compared to A what with being a child in a 32 years old body and needing 2-1 round the clock care. But that said they are actually similar in the respect that my son still lives at home his mum. But there the similarity ends.

You're the one who had to have it explained to you that A may have many qualities that have meant B Loves him which is why she’s in this quandary. And hopefully as you go through life you’ll understand people can fall in love in less than ideal situations and whilst you may find it easy to walk away others may not.

Yes, B’s a nice person and understands A’s problems. That is no reason at all to give up B’s own life to share A’s problems! Especially when A future-faked from the start, saying A would move, and now refusing but holding out the hope they’d agree to move in another year: not a chance that would happen!

OP, you’re not crazy. But you would be if you gave up your home and moved to be basically a carer in a place you don’t like.

I agree with @SquishyGloopyBum that he has been and maybe still is future faking you. Having had that done to me I realise how painful and destructive that can be. I’m not sure if matters whether he was deliberately manipulating you or just hadn’t thought it through, the latter is bad too, that would just mean he was saying anything to keep you without considering the implications (though I do agree with a previous poster that you shouldn’t assume he can’t be manipulative because he’s autistic, it doesn’t make you some kind of innocent child, there are also many degrees of autism and it doesn’t sound like his is particularly severe). I think he will keep letting you down I’m afraid and it will keep breaking your heart until you’ve had enough.

If you really are desperate to give this a go @TheBunnyLover perhaps you could go and spend a few months with him as a trial, given that you say you’re not working much. Don’t give up everything for a relationship you haven’t experienced on an everyday level - I did and it almost ruined my life.

Are you wanting kids, is that part of it?

I’ll only repeat this once more.

I was replying to a poster who said ‘literally have no clue what B sees in A’.

I wasn’t addressing the OP moving in with B. It’s a completely separate issue to - I literally have no clue what B sees in A.

I wouldn’t move in with A either but I do understand why with him being on the spectrum he may find it difficult to move despite thinking he could initially, also why he’s not got a great employment record and he’s not great with money either. They’re all things that Autism can affect.

Please don’t feel under pressure to reply.
Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this?
I think it is okay to let it sit for a while and do nothing, to be honest. Get used to the situation as you now understand it and then decide.

There is a point made above about whether you want DC. I don’t think you said your age. Wanting DC and being later in one’s thirties can skew your thinking in my experience and give things an urgency they might not otherwise have.

Not sure why everyone is saying that B is a man when OP has gone to great lengths to obfuscate both the roles in this scenario and the sex of her DP. OP this is an anonymous forum and you might get different replies if you write in plain English.

So obvious from first post that 'A' is the DP (m) and 'B' is the poster (f).

I'll cut to the chase, just don't marry him and if he moves in make sure he pays bills and not mortgage or you get an agreement set up so he can't claim he was paying towards mortgage and has a claim.

@Rainbowqueeen yes it will be tough. I'm already feeling very fragile and lonely. I moved to where I am around the same time the relationship began and before that was living in a house share with my ex. I didn't expect to be this lonesome for long as me and now DP had discussed the move and DP had said they'd move to me for definite and it has just kept on being put off for whatever reason until recently when DP has expressed that I could move there instead and that they were feeling it unfair that it was assumed they'd come here. They didn't discuss this with me straight away either as I've said, it was information I had to prize out.

@Pezdeoro41 thank you for sharing your story. It sounds very painful for you.

@pickledandpuzzled I understand that-I think DP already struggles with putting someone else's needs in consideration, has always been called selfish apparently and has expressed this with me although I accept it is down to autism rather than wanting to cause me pain.

I am not sure how I'd approach the removal of pressure but I have thought about it-perahsp saying right you dont want to move here so let's call it a day. If you find your mind changes, call me.

@MaryMcI I am sure you're psychic-that's exactly what things have been like! I've sorted so much out for DP throughout the time we've been seeing one another.
I do feel very duped, and very unlucky to have landed in this situation. Very sorry for myself in fact if I am honest.

I am

I've sorted so much out for DP throughout the time we've been seeing one another.
I do feel very duped, and very unlucky to have landed in this situation. Very sorry for myself in fact if I am honest.

It is very clear that you are driving this relationship, whereas he is happy to be a passenger - yet he will absolutely put his foot on the brake in order to safeguard his own interests. It's very easy to get sucked into this kind of situation, especially if 'the dream' seems so realistic and attainable. If only he did this, or that...

But he won't, as you are discovering, slowly and painfully. In time you will pick yourself up and thank your lucky stars that you didn't move or talk him into moving in with you.

Counselling? 💐

@Pezdeoro41 @MaryMcI no not wanting children. We're both too old really and we're both female.

No, I guess not severe in that DP can do normal things most of the time.

I could go and live there for a bit I suppose-rent my house out and DP could rent a house for us to live in......... At the moment that sounds daunting but I've not had much time to think about it.

Again, I really appreciate everyone's replies on this thread.

Can I ask a different question?
You mention being lonely, and I totally understand how difficult that is. But I am also wondering how much you have been able to do to try new things and meet new people between work, looking after the BTLs and having a long-distance relationship? Is it partly having temporary jobs rather than a permanent one, or not having a big family?
For example, I am lonely because I have been a single parent for so long and when I am not parenting I am working, so I am aware I need to get out and do more things for me (if I had time nd childcare!).
I am wondering what steps could be taken about the loneliness in either location (or if all your eggs are going in the DP basket to address this issue).

You could do this, but you don’t have to.

I would honestly consider letting it sit for a bit, a few months even, and see how you feel. You have gone two years thinking one thing will happen and now that thing is not happening. It is difficult to live with uncertainty but if you don’t know for sure, sometimes that is what needs to happen (and that is difficult if you are used to solving problems!).

I think it is just really to do with being alone a lot of the time while supposedly in a relationship. I am a loving person and it feels very alien to me.

I lived with my ex DP, and was very happy (obviously we didn't work out but that wasn't anything related to living together, we just weren't right for one another long-term but I loved living with someone).

I go to the gym, I go to the pub, I see friends, my Mother drops in most days. I honestly think it is just that I want a life with DP-I like to love and be loved and be together with someone.

I do miss my old job for definite but I am currently unable to get another one until the temporary contracts are up. I'm quite high qualified but I am probably looking to change career after this if I can-or there are various types of roles I know I could probably walk into.

The BTLs don't take up a lot of time really, until a tenant moves out (and they don't do that often) any issues are dealt with via telephone calls, I am not busy with those.

I agree - the temporary trial would be useful for you if you decided you wanted to try moving, but you don’t have to. If it doesn’t feel right - and I get a sense it doesn’t really - don’t force yourself. Letting it sit for a bit is a good idea, especially if this all feels quite raw right now.

Sounds like A will have really fallen on their feet if they can wangle a free house, carer and income out of all this, whatever way you look at it.

what about where DP is? Do you have friends and a social life there?

I mean, you are describing a lovely life which you have worked hard for. I think the day to day connections, whether that is in the gym, the coffee shop staff, the pub with your friends, work connections, your mum are all part of not being lonely.

I get on well with DP's friends, and I could make new connections. My relationship is the main thing though, I'd love to be with DP and have a life together.

Maybe @NeverDropYourMooncup . I guess DP is not sure they want what I am offering though.

B shouldn't guilt trip A into moving away from their family. B should maybe try and see that while they think of themselves as more successful and that A has not a lot to lose, that A has a lot to lose in terms of feelings of stability and may not want the power imbalance that already exists to be magnified.
B sounds a bit desperate tbh. B may well have a little property empire, but what's in it for A apart from moving away from their support network. A has a decent job, good hours and supportive family.

@TheBunnyLover Ah ok. Is she 'out' to her parents or could that be part of why she doesn't want to move in, as she doesn't want to be out about being in a relationship with a woman?

She's been out since she was nine years old so it isn't that. We sleep in the same bed at her parent's too when I visit, we're very openly together.

Well, no, they won't - not when being elusive, going back on promises and generally making you utterly unhappy, having pressed for the long distance relationship that you didn't even want in the first place, could lead to you giving them an absolutely huge financial win all on their terms.

Bet they don't or won't rent a place by themselves, either - it'll be something that they will want secured on your wealth and income (and will therefore be your problem to sort out/if you leave me, I'll be homeless). It's incredibly common for people like that to have an ex who 'took out loads of debt' or in other ways allegedly left them penniless. It's the Crazy Ex with a side order of 'pay all the bills for me'.

Anybody can play brinkmanship and manipulation. And if they've fed you the Autistics cannot lie line, that's a load of nonsense, too.

perhaps saying right you dont want to move here so let's call it a day. If you find your mind changes, call me.

I think this is a good plan. There will be loads of people looking for the same things as you and able to act on it when the time's right, with whom you could have a relationship. But while you're focussing on this person you aren't meeting them.

I guess DP is not sure they want what I am offering though

Aww don't take it personally, you know she has issues. But the right partner for you wouldn't make you feel this way- you'd know that they are keen to be with you in the form that you want.

You sound absolutely desperate for a relationship/any relationship.

This really isn’t going to work. If you were my friend I would be encouraging you to settle into your new environment and focus on yourself for a while. Are you scared of being single?

I don't think I'm afraid of being single. I was single for a long time before this situation and I'd definitely not get into any other relationship if we do end this one. I know I'd have to work on myself before even thinking about trying with anyone else.

Of course I'd pay expenses and pay my way but it feels totally stupid renting from someone else. It'd have to be in DPs' name I think.