Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

When you imagine your life living together is it "great I've got someone to come home to" in a general sense. I'm getting the keenness to share your life with someone is stronger than the need for it to be this particular person. Imagine how it would be actually with here. Tbh, I'm imaging a life of prompting, mothering, non-stop supporting. She lived on her own a while, but was in a mess when she moved home, a financial mess that you sorted. Take the rose tinted off and really consider the work and support that living with her might entail.
Maybe have a break for a while, then see how you both feel. As she has renaged on the original agreement, and you even had to drag that out of her, I think, be the one to suggest a break - it could induce her into action, or if not, you'll know where you stand.

I just love the thought of sharing our lives, not having to do everything on my own, having her around me much of the time. I am a very affectionate person too, when we're together we're always close and loving, I miss that so much. I hate sleeping alone too and often don't sleep well at all. I've done okay in life, apart from love. That's never worked out for me. I am a professional person, I work hard-but this is missing.

There are the practicalities of course, It's expensive living alone. It's also pretty boring! I often go out at night on my own which makes me feel unsafe and feels alien for a woman my age. I fantasise about the 'normal' things, being able to share dinner or a TV programme, being able to talk about my day with someone. I sound like a real sadcase now I realise. I know for some people, they like it but I am just not that kind of person.

I do love her very much-of course I've not mentioned absolutely everything about her here, but there are reasons I love her-she's not just her autism and her inadequacies. She's very good to me in many ways. I don't just want 'someone'.

You're not the only one who's suggested a break. Others in my life have too. I feel 'strung along' even if she didn't do it purposely.

I don’t know whether your DP has strung you along purposefully or realised that moving is not for her gradually and without ill-intent to you, but your need/wish to share your lives makes you quite vulnerable to being manipulated here. It is the value to you that your DP would be able to manipulate with, if you see what I mean. It’s almost like she could say ‘well, if it is so important to you, move here’. And despite all the negatives you have associated with moving, you would do it because you have put the sharing of your lives above all else.

It is interesting that people in your real life who know you have suggested a break - is this because of the current situation or other reasons?

I also agree with porridgeisbae that this long distance relationship has meant you are not in a position to meet someone else where you are, and if you move, you certainly won’t be in a position to meet someone else. Not saying that you will definitely meet someone else, but it is a possibility closed off.

What else did I want to say? Oh yes, if you are the financially responsible one, and you have bailed DP out, why would the tenancy be in her name? That would be entirely odd - you will give up the house which you have a mortgage on, move away from your family and friends to live with DP, you will find a job there and make your life there, and sort the finances (which you said in a previous post), but the house will be rented in her name. Honestly, in the nicest possible way, give your head a wobble. You would have legally no right to stay in it if you separate. She could lock the doors and leave you outside.

I would take a break from this situation and have a think about why you put your own well-being and security so low on the agenda here. You said you feel sorry for yourself that this has happened. I feel sorry for you that this has happened. I can hear your desire to have this relationship work out. But you cannot let that desire make you lose all common sense.

I could be way off the mark here but it sounds like you want a close relationship more than necessarily a close relationship with your partner.
From how you've described your partner, I'd be pretty pissed off with them. I know their autism may have played a part in the change of mind for them moving to you but they've effectively strung you along all this time. Together with the poor money management and they moved back in with their parents because it was 'easier', I think your partner will be an albatross around your neck if you move in together.

Both @MaryMcI and @rainbowstardrops make excellent points. Ignore these issues at your peril...

And sorry if this has already been mentioned, but are you getting counseling? If not, this might be a good way of sorting through your thoughts and figuring out what YOU want.

@Rainbowqueeen I do love her for who she is. There's a lot of good things about her, just they wouldn't have proven of any value to this thread I don't think.

I do feel strung along, for definite whether done with intent or no, the result is the same.

And not happy with a solitary lifestyle-I'd have never had pursued or even entered the relationship if I knew there was not ever a chance of it being a proper partnership.

I know it sounds fatalistic but I think I'll just be more alone forever if I end things. Even if I did ever feel ready to try again there just aren't many single middle-aged gay women around!

@MaryMcI thank you-that does make sense. Yes, I am considering it because I just don't enjoy being so solitary while supposedly in a relationship. And I feel duped!

It's mostly because of this situation. She had caused me mental/emotional anguish in the past before we realised about the autism, and I also put some steps in to protect myself, I understand her better and also don't do certain things with her.

Also yes, I doubt I'd meet anyone else but one of my (gay male) friends did say 'She's effectively kept you on your own' which was an interesting way of putting it that I do agree with (not discounting my autonomy of course but I thought there was an end in sight).

Good point about the tenancy (if we get one). I suppose that would be silly-I was being stubborn I think, refusing to rent because, well not that I've any judgment or anything against it but for me personally, I'd engineered my life to make sure I'd never have to! I was just going to pay my way via the bills and other things. But you make a good point there.

Thank you for the sympathy. I've got some good support but I do feel I've lost my spark over all this-I am often miserable and I used to be a really happy, enthusiastic and optimistic person. I suppose although I understand her autism being a factor, and her worrying about money/leaving her job, I also feel pretty worthless too-I can't help it.

Even if I did ever feel ready to try again there just aren't many single middle-aged gay women around!

Aw OP nonsense. Most people split up with or lose a partner at some point, so they come back on the market again.

She's sounding more and more coercive the more you write about her.

@porridgeisbae okay that's true. I just don't think there seems to be anyone I'd feel suited to but of course I could be wrong, I haven't seen every single woman out there have I?!

Before DP I had had an absolutely shocking dating history. I've had two serious relationships but one of them turned out to have been on drugs the entire time and I didn't know naive nelly and the other left for a nomadic lifestyle which I just didn't want. She's in her fifties now and still sofa surfing in different countries, partying etc-don't get me wrong I love a good booze-up/party even at my age! But not as a whole lifestyle.

Other than that I'd been on dates in-between with women who were really not relationship material I mean, drugs, severe mental health issues, very insolvent (not like DP I mean very bad with money, bankruptcy, CCJs etc) abusive, ex-cons, one turned out to have murdered someone, one was a compulsive liar to the point I really couldn't deal with it. I am not saying I'm perfect, I am far from it! But I think there's just a lot of trauma in the lesbian community, especially my kind of age bracket, and a lot of problems.

Or have I just been very unlucky?

@NeverDropYourMooncup does she?

He sounds more like your child than an equal partner. What's the attraction?

Sorry, she.

That is the hard thing about long distance relationships isn’t it - it can be the worst of both worlds, you’re not with your partner but you also can’t embrace life at home in the same way you would if you were actually single! The way you feel is totally understandable, it is quite solitary and does grind you down. You absolutely would meet someone else OP, and you deserve to be happy.

@Cupcakekiller kindness, mutual respect, we get on (we have spent a lot of time together for over a week at a time), we're helpful to each other, good amount of physical attraction too although I know that's not something so important. I have ADHD(well currently undergoing diagnosis) and she's very organised, tidy etc and she's very practical whereas I may be academic but in terms of that sort of thing I am as much use as a chocolate condom! We do mutually support one another. We both love dogs, walks, both affectionate..
I'm not saying we're 100% ideal-this situation proves we're not.

I’m not quite squaring someone who has no assets, lives with their parents at an age too old for children, and cannot manage money as organised and practical, to be honest, more like their life is now organised in a way they can manage (four day week, living with parents, someone else has sorted their financial woes).
Maybe you mean everything in its right place, can fix something broken, has a routine type of organised and practical? It’s easier to have everything in its right places when you don’t need to worry about the bigger issues as someone else takes care of them. (And would your DP cope with you not being organised and tidy at a micro level, and would you cope with her need for things to be like this? My ex was very routine-oriented and quite rigid in how things had to be, and I found it really quite stifling and controlling in the end, because I am quite scatty myself and I don’t have the mindset for that).

Another thing - your opening post says that DP said she would move to be with you, and that was why you entered the relationship; another posts says she said she was unhappy ‘it was assumed’ she would move. Clearly recollections are varying here - is this an attempt to gaslight you or do you think you did assume she would move?

Your relationship history sounds quite like mine! 😂 Do you think it might be worth taking a bit of a step back and looking at why you are attracted to these kinds of people? I realise it’s not always clear right away but if they all turn out to have similar characteristics then it seems there is a bit of a pattern. I found Natalie Lue and her website www.baggagereclaim.co.uk very helpful when I was looking at this myself.

Sorry to clarify I’m not saying your current DP is exactly the same as all the others, but it sounds like you are still in a “fixing” role.

Thank you for the thorough post @MaryMcI

Of the last bit-oh god I definitely laid my cards on the table! I was a bit of a 'broken record' with it. In fact when we very first met, before we even had a date I said no, too far away and she persuaded me over time that it could work, she'd do most of the visiting me, it wouldn't be for long, she'd no trouble relocating. But I am a thorough person, and I guess I found it a bit bizarre that she'd know 100% that she'd be okay with doing that at the early stages? So on our first date, when I first went to visit her I mentioned it again. We were a couple of dates in and I was feeling how much I liked her at this point, we were having a bit of an intimate moment when we declared we both liked one another a lot and I said 'But, what about the fact you'd need to relocate?'

There's more times than that-but I was reassured every single time. She was sure. OR she at least convinced me she very much was

I don't think it is gaslighting per se? Ae she's admitted it is a turnaround and admits she said she'd move from the get-go, just 'Didn't realise how hard it would be'.

When I spoke to her more recently, a few weeks ago, she said she felt it was unfair she was the one who had to give everything up. But I did have to dig deep to get this out of her. I was obviously very upset over this. But I absolutely 100% did not make any assumptions, I am a 'belt and braces' sort of person, I thought I'd been really careful. It's a total turnaround on her part.

I have actually thought about this before, of your other point. It's very easy to manage all your paperwork/life's general affairs when you have a sort of life where It's four days at work (and it's mostly just work/eat/sleep for her as long shifts) and not having to worry about managing a household as well.
Yes, she's brilliant at DIY, fixing things, doing anything involving a toolbox..

Gaslighting - I meant the bit in the first paragraph of the quoted post here where you say ‘that they were feeling it was unfair that it was assumed that they would come here’ (I might not have copied that exactly but the gist is correct).
It was not assumed that they would move to you, from what you say. That is what I mean, not the fact that they changed their mind.
Basically, DP made a mistake in saying they would re-locate so early in the relationship, and now realised that they will find it harder than they had countenanced. But instead of owning this; they are blaming you for being unfair and assuming they would move.

Which maybe makes you feel guilty and try to be more fair to them. But by the sounds of it, you didn’t assume anything, you went on what they said.

@Pezdeoro41 thank you, I will have a look at that. I mean, I've literally never met (in any of my many walks of life!) any lesbian my age who seemed to have their life together to any great extent seriously!

It does make me wonder about whether it is the age/community in general though. A lot of us weren't allowed to be ourselves (e.g. my partner was beaten as a teen for refusing to wear a dress, my ex was disowned once her sexuality was revealed, I met three who've been SAd as children )

And you're absolutely right about LDRs too. Worst of both worlds in so many respects.

That is incredibly sad about your partner’s experience, and others in the community 😥

There is a lot of trauma IME -not saying there isnt any in the straight realm, of course there is. Some awful things happened to my gf and her (also gay) sibling. They laugh about it as if it were normal.

I do think her situation has changed- in that she has a better job than she was expecting and is enjoying it.

My DS is very reluctant to move, or even look for a different job, because he likes his current job and it suits him.

The only thing that’s going to encourage her to make a change is if things don’t suit her. If you are less available, for example, or don’t do any of the travelling. At the moment everything suits her.

and honestly- a part time relationship may suit her. She isn’t really in a position to know.

I’d say the relationship doesn’t meet your needs, and although it’s nice dating you no longer feel committed. And be open to meeting someone else.

This is at least the third thread I've led lately where a DP/DH has behaved poorly; manipulative, lies etc then gets an autism diagnosis which they then use to excuse shitty behaviour, or here also blamed on past trauma, does nobody take responsibility for themselves or how they test people?
Being ND does not make you a shitty person.

Not sure why some people depict A in such a negative light when the only person that really knows them is B. From what B says, her preferred option is still for A to move to B as was originally planned. But as A now is having second thoughts that is maybe understandable given her circumstances.

OP I think that you now need to be a little firm with A and point out that the original plan is still the best option if you are to remain in a relationship. It seems that you are better placed to decide the best path if the relationship is to survive. Good luck!