Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

I wouldn't leave my mortgaged house and area to move to rented accommodation in a less desirable area and find a new job there to take on the lion's share of every single adult responsibility for another adult who seems likely be unwilling to compromise on anything or share any burdens.

in what way do you mean A might be doing that, please? the using B for an easy life?

They live with their parents now "for an easy life" you said. Make sure that's not being transferred to you.

Its very understandable that A doesn't want to move as people with Autism don't like change in a lot of circumstances so it's not like he is not choosing you it's that he can't do it.
I think you sound very capable and on top of things in your own life and would survive fine if this doesn't work out. So you could move as you want to be together. Keep all your finances separate and rent your house.
BUT if your dp is bad with money be prepared for a bumpy ride. That can be endearing for a while but do your head in very quickly. I was a bit doubtful his account was hacked and wondered did he use it as an excuse.
Also you say he was dragged up so is moving near his parents going to be a nightmare and is there any danger you would end up caring for them. After all that l am not sure you should me..sorry!!

Diagnosis and disability (level of impairment of activities of daily living) are two separate things. You are able to get by and actually do really well in a lot of ways despite your potential diagnosis. He is not managing the basics of being an adult; potentially he's not even trying very hard in some respects. He works and that's great but he's got no desire to even be reasonable with his money.

If you're even saying he can pay less of the living expenses than you, you're virtually begging him to move in.

I think you can do better honestly OP.

It sounds like he would be moving from living with one set of parents to another mummy figure. Always being the responsible one who has to do everything gets old very fast OP.

DH has anxiety, not autism, but this prevents him from doing anything at all practical when we have big life upheavals - preparing for a new baby, moving house, emigrating - I literally do it single handed and he just turns up where he is told to. It is like having a second child. It is incredibly tiring to have to take on the entire mental load myself. He has other redeeming qualities when not anxious, but it isn’t something I would choose a second time.

This ^ absolutely
I was actually about to put that B should never move to A’s place and they don’t sound compatible at all when you’ve posted more updates and it became to look even worse.
I think it’s obvious that A can’t be an equal partner in this relationship, I would cut my losses if I were B and start again.

I don’t think I’d want to live with A. He’s not young but still lives with his parents for an easy and presumably cheap life. Does he expect you to manage his life for him when you live together?

In my experience banks are pretty reasonable nowadays when it comes to reimbursing people in cases of fraud etc. So I don't actually believe a) that he got in debt because his bank account was 'hacked' or b) that in those circumstance the bank didn't help.

My sister was a victim or massive identity fraud and it was all sorted out and hasn't effected her credit. A friend just had to say 'yes' or 'no' to which transactions had been him when his card was intercepted in the post- my uncle did the same when something like that happened to him.

I agree.

IMHO A needs to move to you.
Do not consider moving to B's area given how you've described it.
Be very careful that A is not taking you for a ride.
Banks don't get hacked all that often.
How secure is A's diagnosis of neurodiversity?

How secure is A's diagnosis of neurodiversity?

He can have ASD etc and also happen to be a feckless person unrelated to his disability. The spending thing isn't typical of ASD particularly, although I know people can often have ADHD traits too.

The A and B stuff is a bit confusing but I think you need different things.

Stop thinking of A as a project or someone who needs your help to flourish.

I also suspect the areas themselves may be pertinent. Would it be a fair inkling to.say that A gets a lot out of where they are now, the coastal setting and family support and B (you) has done well financially in a more affordable area where they will have none of that? I have lived on the south coast (pricey but I adored it) and am now somewhere cheaper for training and feel stuck. Truly hate it here even though I would be a lot more secure financially than moving back.

Maybe it has taken A some time to realise but please don't just discount their needs because you're more solvent and feel you help out, so they should be more mobile and fit in with you.

I think a frank chat is on the cards. 'Look Andrew. When we met, you were adamant you were happy to move here as my life was established here and i was never in a position to move. I understand you have ties to XX and that is understandable. However neither of us want to go on indefinitely long distance and I would like to work out what your plans are. Please be honest and don't kick this down the road'.

Be prepared to end the relationship and move on. B does not owe it to you to move if they don't want but they do owe you honesty.

Also do you really want that level of responsibility for a partner? What it doesn't work out? Are they going to leave easily? I would personally accept this for a period of companionship rather than long term.

OP, you already know that you can live independently, build your life, work, finances.

Your DP has done none of these things and if you move there, they will just use you as their ‘at home’ as they do their parents. You will be stuck there forever with someone who does not build assets, despite not having own home, or whatever.

I get they are autistic but they have managed to get a decent job..

You have a house with a mortgage. Are you really ready to give that up?

I would be encouraging him to try the move to you. Rather than you get absorbed into his static situation.

It might be make or break: he might find he can’t cope or he might develop new horizons.

But if you go to him your horizons will shrink.

@daisychain01 @WinterQueenie what do you mean, what have I written that makes me sound 'crazy' please?

I will clarify-I have not meant to try to make my DP sound absolutely useless here! DP is good at a lot of things I am not and as I've said, we do genuinely love and care for one another..

@junebirthdaygirl thank you-yes DPs parents are a nightmare in various ways if I am honest.

@Saschka that does sound difficult

@porridgeisbae okay [sad if that's true, I am very upset at having been lied to-DP just doesn't seem the type to lie [sad

@minieggsandmaltesers I went through the diagnosis process with DP but I mean, even beforehand it was quite obvious once a few things were looked at-I didn' know at first but I should have. Sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us for looking, I guess.

if you love each other, carry on as normal. Otherwise B becomes A carer.

Neither of you are willing to move so that’s the end of it isn’t it?

the relationship is probably over

Carry on as you are unless A finds it in themselves to make a move on their own volition.

@TemporarilyshyAF I was hoping that with both finances we could buy some BTLs together.

We've had that chat more than once but it never gets us anywhere

I will be very sad to break up. But I don't want to carry on like this either.

I was hoping that with both finances we could buy some BTLs together.

But he doesn't have much money does he OP? At least not much above what he spends. I don't think it'd add much more to what you would be able to do by yourself. You're expecting him to suddenly, miraculously, become financially highly responsible. His salary (if he got one by yours) might on paper help a bank give you a mortgage for more BTLs, but you would end up covering the costs of them yourself.

You have a house with a mortgage. Are you really ready to give that up?

@BrimfulOfMash I've been thinking about it a lot today. And I still don't know.

You didn’t want to start the relationship, you didn’t want long distance, you have just got your property and just moved close to family.
So basically, the fact that you did enter into this relationship was based on A saying they would move.
If A had not said they would move, you would not have started the relationship. Now they might have very valid reasons for not wanting to move or having said they will move, but the point still stands, if you knew two years ago what you know now, you would not have got into the relationship. So why get in deeper by moving to somewhere you don’t want to live, giving up your job and being close to your family?

I think you do know the answer to this. He promised you he'd move. Now he says he won't. He wants you to move to his crappy area near his parents who dragged him up, and promises you after a year he'll move to where you live. That makes no sense at all and it's so obvious he'll renege on that, too.

You are finally secure - you have a home in a nice area. Never ever underestimate the value of that.

Please don't think of going to live with a older man in a shit area and giving up all that you have.

Literally no clue what B sees in A.

You have a house with a mortgage. Are you really ready to give that up?

I've been thinking about it a lot today. And I still don't know.

That could've been virtually a rhetorical question OP.

Love is blind sometimes, for sure. x I'm sure a lot of us have been there to some extent- not able to accept what a bloke is like in some way.

@MaryMcI I think the only thing that keeps popping into my head is the fact that all of my life I've always wanted to live with someone I love. And never have I managed it-always been alone or in relationships that haven't worked out. I want to be with DP to the point I am considering the move but you make some extremely good points nonetheless. I hadn't thought of it like that so I am very glad I began the thread for all the points people have brought up. Sometimes when we're in the middle of things It's hard to see the wood for the trees.

I wouldn't have gone into this, I laid my cards on the table because that's what I do, It's the kind of person I am-I like things transparent, clear and honest-I am like this about me in every way too, I am open about my strengths and limitations-this trait has always served me quite well both in work and personal life-but not this time

Thank you @OhComeOnFFS (apt username for your post I think!) but from this thread a fair few people think I should do just that.