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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 23/10/2023 19:31

I am not slow too tell my dh his snoring is disturbing my sleep. Yes he can't help it but he has to take steps to look into finding a cure. When de doesn't l run out of patience. Don't be that person who doesn't follow up on having some investigation done.

GenghisCalm · 23/10/2023 19:32

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

How did you ever get through primary school if someone saying that you snore makes you cry?

She didn't want to tell you what was wrong, most probably she knew you would act like a wet lettuce over it but you pushed her for an answer and then shouted and cried.

You were unreasonable and you still are saying that you can't believe that everyone here agrees with you sister.

DysmalRadius · 23/10/2023 19:32

She wasn't going to tell you and you pushed - that's not shaming, just an unfortunate situation that you have made worse by blaming your sister.

gamerchick · 23/10/2023 19:32

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

Do you do that often, push for an answer off someone and then immediately wrap yourself up in the victim cape?

She may have done you a favour. If you're that loud, you may actually have sleep apnoea and are at risk of heart attacks or strokes. You should speak to a doctor.

queenMab99 · 23/10/2023 19:32

I am a loud snorer, I am not embarrassed about it and warn people who are likely to suggest sharing a room with me. The only thing she did wrong, was not to book another room after the first sleepless night! It is not your fault and neither is it hers. If she had constantly poked you and woken you up, to complain about the snoring, she would have been at fault. You are being far too sensitive. I used to regularly go for weekends away with a large group of people, three of us would share a room, 2 of us snored horribly, the 3rd lady was very deaf! It worked really well, and the sensitive, light sleepers were happy we were out of their earshot!

HirplesWithHaggis · 23/10/2023 19:32

Bertiesmum3 · 23/10/2023 19:27

New to NM , please could you explain by a reverse?

Show quote history

OP is claiming to be the unknowing snorer. If this is a reverse, it means OP is actually the sister pretending to be the snorer, to see how others react.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2023 19:32

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

I snore.

But I hate others snoring too

Makes me murderous

You were overreacting

perfectcolourfound · 23/10/2023 19:33

You say she 'attacked you'. But she didn't. You demanded she tell you why she was quiet. She didn't want to, but you forced her to. She then told you, honestly, what the problem was. That isn't attacking you. It's stating the facts that YOU demanded.

She then gave you good advice, and you take that as an insult as well.

Your sister has done NOTHING wrong. She's lost 2 nights sleep. She's pribably exhausted. She tries not to upset you but you demand she tells you why. You then shout at her. They you think SHE should apologise??????? You ought to be apologising for shouting at her, for making her lose sleep, for creating tension.

You might not be able to help snoring (you won't know unless you see a doctor), but your sister couldn't help it either. And she sisn't shame you, she didn't attach you, she didn't criticise you.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 23/10/2023 19:34

Are you used to the people in your family protecting your feelings and coddling your sensitive 'heart on sleeve' personality?

Azandme · 23/10/2023 19:34

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

I have heard it because I'm chonky, and I snore in certain positions - and whilst it's mildly embarrassing, my only concern was apologising.

I certainly didn't call the person who told me mean, shout at them, cry, or blame THEM for anything - because that's utterly ridiculous.

You claim she is "shaming" you. She isn't. But you should absolutely be ashamed of your reaction and subsequent behaviour, because that IS shameful.

Gnomegnomegnome · 23/10/2023 19:35

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

She said that you snore, she didn’t say that you smell or that you are a horrible person. It was a fact, your snoring kept her awake.
Her moving room’s sounds very sensible.

Are you the youngest?

rookiemere · 23/10/2023 19:37

This has to be a reverse, no one can be this self absorbed surely.

It was bad enough for your Dsis to spend her own money getting a separate room, surely that tells you something.

It's hellish not being able to sleep, I use wax ear plugs with DH but if he has a cold or something then it's awful. At home I will just move to the spare room, once when we were away I ended up trying to sleep in the bath tub.

givemeasunnyday · 23/10/2023 19:37

She didn't want to tell you, you insisted she did, then you didn't like the answer. What did you want her to do - make up some story just to spare your feelings?? I used to sleep with a snorer, it is very wearying.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 19:37

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Yes. And I’d be upset that I had ruined someone else’s sleep.

Id be deeply apologetic. I wouldn’t be shouting at them for something that I’ve done.

It’s very telling that you’ve not made a single acknowledgment of what your sister had to put up with. Not once. All about you

Fiftyvines · 23/10/2023 19:37

Total overreaction. Telling someone their snoring is keeping them awake is not shaming someone. If your snoring is as bad as she suggested maybe you should see a doctor.

CherryMaDeara · 23/10/2023 19:37

I thought you were going to say she told all your relatives you snored a lot.

She hasn’t ‘shamed’ you, don’t be so dramatic.

I’m glad she booked a sole room for the last night. She needs to prioritise her sleep, not your sensitivity.

MinnieL · 23/10/2023 19:37

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

People always tell me I snore. Tough shit mate. Not sure why that’d get you emotional or make you cry. Maybe I could understand if she said that you smell really bad or something like that but even then, the reaction is extreme

Choopa · 23/10/2023 19:38

You are being unreasonable. I snore, and when pointed out, i apologise.
Ive had to deal with snorers in my life too. It drives you MAD not being able to sleep.

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2023 19:38

Complaining about your snoring is not personal. It's awful to be around a snorer.

momonpurpose · 23/10/2023 19:38

HermioneWeasley · 23/10/2023 18:57

YABU and massively over sensitive

This. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture

Butchyrestingface · 23/10/2023 19:39

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

YOU'RE spoiling HER time away by depriving her of sleep, and then taking the arse when you drag the truth out of her. How do you expect someone to have a nice time when they haven't been able to sleep due to their room mate wart-hogging away all night??

She did the right getting another room.

On another note, have you ever been to the Sistine Chapel, @Aarrrgghh? Grin

PuzzledMind · 23/10/2023 19:39

Have you tried nasal strips? They can work for some people.

WonderingWanda · 23/10/2023 19:40

Crikey, you are both behaving like babies. She didn't attack you or shame you, there was no need for you to cry and raise your voice because someone let you know you snore. However, she was also being childishly petulant in order to get you to ask what was wrong.

A more normal conversation might have been. 'You ok this morning?' 'Nah, I didn't sleep well, didn't know you snored' 'oh, did I? Sorry to have kept you awake, shall we try and get some ear plugs for tomorrow night?'.

Don't share a room with her again would be my advice.

givemeasunnyday · 23/10/2023 19:41

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Of course most people would be totally fine with hearing that. It's not a criticism. How on earth do you cope with everyday life?

Ssme92 · 23/10/2023 19:41

OP what part do you think was an attack? I'm honestly confused how someone telling you you snore is an attack....

You snore. Big deal. It has kept your sister awake for 2 nights. The only feeling you should be feeling is guilt! Apologise for being the cause of her lack of sleep and move on. You are spoiling your own weekend if you are now choosing to ignore her and sulk because she told you a normal, inoffensive truth!