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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 23/10/2023 19:17

I have to agree with other posters. You asked, she told you and then you got cross with her. It absolutely understood that it hard to hear things like that but I think you totally overreacted.

Hercisback · 23/10/2023 19:18

You weren't attacked.... You asked!!!

femfemlicious · 23/10/2023 19:19

I'm sorry but I would find you hard to deal with. I vet she has ro walk on 🥚 with you

Amortentia · 23/10/2023 19:20

You are being ridiculous. You’re upset with your sister for telling the truth, why? Because this has embarrassed you? God, with such a thin skin you’re lucky you’re not my sister. I would have clouted you over the head with a pillow and teased you about it for ever and ever.

Azandme · 23/10/2023 19:21

You were neither "shamed" nor "attacked", and she wasn't "mean", nor did she "spoil the weekend".

You kept her awake for two nights, and she was KIND enough not to tell you until you pushed, and pushed.

Then when she finally gave in you threw a tantrum and shouted at ("attacked?) HER.

YOU spoilt the weekend acting like a brat. Who shouts at another adult and cries like a child?

The normal, adult response to someone saying you kept them awake snoring is to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise!"

Are you always such hard work?

bclspia · 23/10/2023 19:21

I don't think she did anything wrong

MinnieL · 23/10/2023 19:22

Bit dramatic. You’ve been snoring and it’s been disturbing her so much that she can’t sleep. Why would that make you cry?

Hibiscrubbed · 23/10/2023 19:23

neilyoungismyhero · 23/10/2023 18:45

You demanded she tell you what was wrong..she said you wouldn't like it and she was right you didn't. She gave you advice not sure that was attacking you..again you didn't like it. Now you expect her to apologise..you're having a laugh aren't you?

Well, this really.

Give0fecks · 23/10/2023 19:23

YABU. Being in a room with someone who snores that’s stopping me sleeping is awful. You were out of order, you sound like a pain in the arse generally and should apologise.

Original poster
Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 23/10/2023 19:25

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

Are you overweight? Do you drink a lot? How many pillows do you sleep on?

You can do something about it when you’re home. And you pushed her to tell you, she tried not to. She did and now you’re shouting and crying.

MsRosley · 23/10/2023 19:25

'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
'Seriously, tell me.'
'OK. Well, your snoring kept me awake and I'm really tired.'
'Oh gosh! I didn't realise I snore and I'm sorry it kept you awake. I'll look into it.'

This is how the conversation should have gone. No way your sister owes you an apology.

Amortentia · 23/10/2023 19:26

If it was a choice between snoring my head off all night or not being able to sleep because of someone else snoring I’d choose 😴 every time.

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 19:27

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I mean I wouldn't like hearing it but I certainly wouldn't shoot the messenger.

Bertiesmum3 · 23/10/2023 19:27

Chewbecca · 23/10/2023 19:01

Is this a reverse?

New to NM , please could you explain by a reverse?

All2Well · 23/10/2023 19:27

I had exactly this scenario except I was the sleep deprived one for weeks on end.
Like you did, they pushed to know what was going on. Then they'd act like me sleeping on the couch was a personal attack on them. They'd tell me to stay in bed and wake them up and tell them to turn over if they snored then get upset and sulk and say they didn't sleep all night when I did exactly as they'd asked.
I'd put ear plugs in or listen to podcasts all night to drown them out and they'd take that as a personal insult too.

Please don't make it all a million times worse by sulking and being moody and childish as your posts suggest.

She doesn't owe you an apology. She's not attacked you in any way.

You snore and as a result you've been preventing her from sleeping and she's exhausted. Focus on the facts.

You can't share a room with her in future, it wouldn't be fair. If it effects future partners etc you need to seek intervention to stop snoring. The person I refer to now has heart failure due to obstructive sleep apnoea...which was diagnosed after I told their cardiologist that I was concerned about their snoring.

sprigatito · 23/10/2023 19:27

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Would I be totally fine with hearing that I'd deprived someone of two full nights of sleep? No, I'd be horrified at the impact ON HER, would offer to pay for a separate room for her and book myself a GP appointment. I wouldn't have a temper tantrum, cry or accuse the poor woman of being mean.

miniproblem · 23/10/2023 19:28

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

Nothing wrong with being emotional but you can choose how you respond to people.

It wouldn't bother me and I snore sometimes (mostly when I'm drunk).

PaminaMozart · 23/10/2023 19:28

Instead of shouting at your sister, did you not consider trying to make it up to her, for instance by taking her out for a nice breakfast or lunch? I bet you'd feel much less upset if you had.

Krustykrabpizza · 23/10/2023 19:29

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 19:24

Everyone saying I'm unreasonable and oversensitive, are you really saying you'd be totally fine with hearing that.

I don't know how to not feel upset by something like that. I wish I found it so easy to brush it off like everyone thinks I should. I am quite emotional but I don't know how not to be.

I would feel incredibly guilty as a weekend away with no sleep sounds shit. Honestly I wouldn't share a room with someone if I knew I snored. You have ruined her weekend, not the other way around. YABVU, really out of order the way you have reacted

Dillane · 23/10/2023 19:30

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 23/10/2023 18:45

You pushed her for an answer and she answered truthfully. She’s not shamed you unless there’s something I’m missing. She was knackered and told you it’s because you were snoring, people snore, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Why did you raise your voice at her?

This

I think that you’re the one that needs to apologise OP.

FortunataTagnips · 23/10/2023 19:30

You’re being utterly ridiculous.

Give0fecks · 23/10/2023 19:30

@Aarrrgghh if o had been kept awake by someone who was snoring, I would 100% expect an apology. Why are you hurt feelings more important than her tiredness? And it is your fault? Just because you can’t control it, doesn’t mean it isn’t your fault. It’s still 100% you.

ButterMyParsnip · 23/10/2023 19:31

I snore. Occasionally it's too much and my DH goes to another room and sleeps there. I was embarrassed at first and yes, I apologised to him, not the other way round. We both know it's something I can't help and we don't see it as a criticism of me. When I lost weight he commented that my snoring stopped. When I gained weight again over lockdown he didn't comment on it but quietly starting moving rooms again when he needed to. It wasn't a criticism, it was just what he needed to do to get a good night of sleep.

Thedm · 23/10/2023 19:31

You’re wrong. She’s right.