Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

I hope you're ok. This thread must make a tough read for somebody who struggles with criticism. You're not alone on that - lots of people do. Therapy could be considered as a way to help... it isn't something for crazy people - it can be helpful for totally 'normal' people. You are admitting that you struggle with being oversensitive, and that's a good thing. Don't beat yourself up over it - just plan ways to improve :-)

Your behaviour is ridiculous, you asked a question, forced an answer, then went mad at her.
All about you, you don't like criticism, you felt shamed, it's not your fault.
You sound like a drama queen with no thought for anyone but yourself.

OMG! I can't believe you blamed her for being a light sleeper! 99% of the population would have a massive problem sleeping with a snorer - when DH gets going I either spend half the night poking him awake to roll over, or I go into the spare room!

If you had an ex who managed - perhaps he was an unusually heavy sleeper, but that may be the exception rather than the norm. Don't expect your next BF to be guaranteed to be the same.

Your DSis was understandably shattered and pissed off, but still kind enough not to say anything until you forced her. I'd have been in another room after the first night. No-one can function well without sleep (new parents have to, but nobody else should....).

You need to apologise for your unwittingly keeping her awake - but more for your rudeness after she explained her concerns!!!

And do see a GP - there may be a reason behind your snoring. Being overweight can be a cause, as can smoking? But also many other possible reasons. Maybe you can find a solution which would probably benefit your health and certainly help any future room-sharing plans........

Your thread has stayed on my mind op, I think it’s as you seem to display a lack of ability to understand what’s being said or done to uou.

for example, your sister simply explained she hadn’t had any sleep as you’d been snoring heavily.

your reaction was to get very upset, cry, raise your voice, feel on edge, feel judged, feel like shit for days after, using all your words. You felt she was attacking you, being mean to you.

someone told you to consider counselling, you felt you were being told you were crazy .

can you see the complete disconnect between what the reality is of what occurred and your reaction and what you think happened? The gaping chasm between reality and what you think occurred?

you were not attacked or judged, you were not told you were crazy. None of that stuff actually happened. Your mind just made it up and you felt that.

im guessing this is a common theme in your life. And that must be utterly exhausting for you and everyone round you. You can’t be happy because you cannot see reality and perceive any remotely negative feedback as something it clearly isn’t.

and that’s why seeking help is important. To get to the bottom of Why can’t you understand the reality of a situation. What causes you to feel you’re being attacked when you are not, what causes you to misunderstand what’s being said to you.

do you have the ability to hold your emotions, remove yourself from the situation , recognise you cannot rationalise what’s occurring or what’s being said, even just ask advice on here?

there must be coping mechanisms you can be taught, to help you navigate, as you will end up very lonely if you continue to react as you do and I’m sure you don’t wish this.

That's just utter bollocks from you.

Things can often be done about snoring, but we all go through stages of light sleep, deep sleep and dream (REM) sleep throughout the night.

That's how sleep works but you are blowing up at your sister about it instead of even trying to address the issue of your own horrendous snoring.

Very unreasonable of you.

I agree that direct conversation is best. There are people for whom it isn't. They start out meaning to say one thing, emotions take over, and before they know it, they've doubled down on the original difficulty.

When some people can't control themselves in a conversation, then a card with a clear, non-equivocal apology in a small window of time after the failed apology conversation is a good move. It accepts responsibility and apologises without reservation.

As it was, the OP was going to, again, leave it for a few days and have a conversation on her terms. My experience is that it was unlikely for that one to go well as the communication problems are quite deep-rooted. A timely apology (card), and then a structured, quick conversation would have been a decent plan.

Agree, for most people direct conversation is best, but as the op cannot grasp what’s being said, the risk is if the sister does anything remotely negative ie say she was hurt, or she does snore, or was ott in her reactions, the op is going to perceive it as an attack and not be able to control herself, it will just get worse, she will start the crying shouting abusive behaviour.

i actually think a card saying I’m sorry, I was wrong, it’s all me, I can’t cope or understand reality when someone says something negative and I will seek help, is better.

This has to be a BS post.
Surely someone can’t be this blind and ignorant to someone else’s feelings

I touched on this a couple of days ago with my ex.

In many cases, doctors can assist with excessive snoring. Do not be embarrassed about it - they will have seen or heard wore things, honest. A doctor once told me that 85% of the things they get seen for are to improve someone's life, so they will not be judgmental.

Part of the solution is acknowledging there is a problem with your snoring. Once that is recognised then the rest becomes easy. It might not be a problem to you, but it very obviously is becoming a problem for those closest to you. Go and see a GP, then you can tell your sister you are getting help with it.

Tbh, I can easily imagine my father to be this self-centered if he actually managed to have a conversation about the snoring.

This is really oversensitive of you and I feel for your sister having to navigate the minefield of communicating with you. You say it’s a problem generally but you feel attacked and refuse to consider any suggestions. Can I please please ask you to sit down, say people can say critical things without it being a personal attack on my entire personality, and perhaps counselling would help me have a thicker skin? I am asking you this because I can’t say it to several people in real life, one of whom is probably going to lose her job soon because she thinks criticism or even feedback is a personal attack. There is no way I can say this to her or suggest the counselling she needs, while I would love to help her and see her be happier and cope in the workplace when she loves the industry and has lots of passion for the job. But maybe I can help you.

You are a nightmare! I can't believe you pestered her until she told you and you are now upset with her? Wtf can't you just say I'm so sorry, I didn't even know I snored.
You're making it into a personal attack because you're so insecure you can't even bear to hear something that is a fact. It's not personal and yes it's true it can be linked to many medical problems.
Why are you making out that she's done anything wrong?

Chill out - you're sisters and arguing is what sisters do! I've been watching my mum arguing with her sisters for years, they always make it up in the end because they love each other! It's just what sisters do 😆!

Sounds destructive though. My sister and I are in our 50s and don’t argue. Obviously we did as kids but we are adults now.

No, this isn’t healthy or normal as adults.

God your poor sister. "What's wrong with you, tell me tell me tell me tell me, HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT??"

She knew what you'd be like, didn't want the drama, tried to head it off but you just wouldn't allow it would you?

Your problem isn't that you feel things deeply; it's that you have no self control over how you BEHAVE (not feel) and expect others to pussyfoot around you so you don't get "upset" (read aggressive and rude).

I would be sympathetic to a point (I am also emotional, and sensitive to criticism) but the fact you think it's unreasonable for someone who was doing their best to protect your feelings to tell you something YOU DEMANDED TO KNOW shows you are utterly unreasonable.

You should apologize to your sister - not for snoring, you can't help that, but for going off on her like that when she had tried her best not to make it an issue which you then forced.

More helpfully, a phrase my friend (who has had a ton of counselling which I shamelessly grift from her 😆) taught me that I found really useful: my feelings are real, that does not mean my feelings are facts. It allows for you to feel the way you do, but gives space for the fact you may not be reacting in a proportionate way and take a beat or so to consider before reacting. The bigger the feeling, I'd say, the longer you should sit with it for a while before reacting to it.

And yes for practical purposes, if people tell you that you don't want to know, believe them the first time.