Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

You don’t need to be embarrassed about snoring… when I’ve got a cold or hayfever I do it due to being blocked up.
The more normal reaction when she told you would’ve been to say ‘OMG I’m so sorry!! My ex husband used to wake me up and tell me to roll on my side, I’d roll over and we both got a better nights sleep… I’ve laid awake listening to his snoring in the past, when you’re tired and been woken up and can’t get back to sleep, it’s torture!!
She could probably have been kinder about how she told you, but she was shattered and so was less tolerant… but you were definitely over sensible and your reaction to attack her for sleeping too lightly was OTT… her advice to seek medical advice isn’t out of order and I think you should. I also don’t think you should dismiss counselling without giving it a fair try!…. My daughter struggled after a medical diagnosis and starting seniors and counselling & CBT has really helped her… and she’s definitely not mental, she just needed to talk out her feelings and reframe her thought process.. it’s really helped & im so proud of her.

Sensitive not sensible

Not once have you shown a single regard for your sister’s feelings.
You were embarrassed
You were upset
You’re owed an apology
You’re sensitive about your weight
You were being shamed
Its her fault for being a light sleeper
She ruined your holiday

The truth is
She was kept awake by YOU
She tried to avoid an argument (as she obviously knows you quite well) and tried not mention anything
She got shouted at
She had to stump up for another room (and presumably half the cost of the one you slept in)
Her holiday was ruined by her self centred sister
She is the one who is owed a massive apology and a bunch of 💐

And you need to spend some time reflecting on how YOUR behaviour makes other people around you feel or you’re going to risk pushing people away. You may have gone through a hard time of late (in your original post) but that does not mean the world revolves around you.

You need to apologise.
You shouted at her and cried over something ridiculous. You asked what was wrong, she told you. Your reaction is completely over dramatic and unreasonable. Every response from you is woe is me and refusal to see how your behaviour is the problem.

You asked and she told you. She's probably feeling really exhausted. She was honest with you then you shouted at her? I personally think YOU owe an apology.

Are you for real??? Your snoring is the issue. Apologise to your sister and stop being a dick.

Again though, you have not considered addressing your own issues. You are deflecting again.
Yes she should look into why she is a light sleeper, but you need to see your GP about some sort of therapy for your emotions which seem over the top!!!!!!!

Also see your GP about your snoring and your weight issues if you believe that could be contributing to your snoring.

This really isn’t about your sister. So many people have sided with your sister yet you still think you are the victim in all this.
Please get help!

You should definitely try counselling.

Op can I ask for a second have you put yourself in your sister’s shoes? Imagine she had kept you up snoring all night long for two nights for you were exhausted.

Then imagine you had tried not to tell her but she had forced it out of you and the shouted and cried.

How would that make you feel?

On top of this forking out for a new room just to get some rest.

Snoring isn’t your fault but you don’t seem to be showing much empathy for your sister considering you describe yourself as a sensitive person.

I am sure your sister loves you to pieces but it’s not fair on her to be treated like this. I also suspect you would both feel better by making up so take the first step and apologise.

Or just use your big girl voice to apologise 🙄 you were more than capable when you were shouting at her

And this is why you need some form of counselling, to help you formulate a less emotional response to what you consider an attack, and to help you understand why you find what could be considered a mundane situation such as snoring, to be embarrassing.

Great, just apologise in your card (or even better in person), don't turn it into drama part 2 with more guilt tripping and defensiveness please!

Yes op, far better to abuse people that do some thing that doesn’t appeal to you

the fact this has been suggested before says this is a significant issue in real life , that you know you have issues but are choosing to keep being abusive rather than address them .

and I’m agog you said you don’t like the fighting. You caused the fight. It was all you. A normal healthy reaction to being told you snored and kept someone awake is to say shit, I’m so sorry what can I do, not attack.

and I suspect it’s worse than you’re admitting to. I think you know full well you snore. Most people with a signficant snoring problem know it. And yours seems signficant.

Agree with all of this. And now OP is going to send a card rather than just speak face to face and just say sorry and move on. Such drama over a minor issue. I suspect maybe the reason she doesn't want to speak to her sister directly is that this isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened. I'm a sensitive person, like the OP says she is, but normally part of being sensitive is being quite empathetic and overanalysing how your actions have affected others massively overthinking this. OP sounds the polar opposite of this.

Just TALK to her!

But if you insist on writing instead, then "I'm sorry I overreacted" is enough. Remember that "I'm sorry but..." is actually no kind of apology.

She literally told you she didn't want to tell you because she knew you'd react badly.

You pushed her.
She told you.
You have reacted badly, exactly as she predicted you would.

YABveryU

You asked and she answered. She didn't do it to be mean. It's awful having to share a room with someone that snores. Particularly if it means you can't sleep and are super tired the next day. Sorry you felt bad about it op but you really should have apologised not taken your embarrassment out on her. She did nothing wrong. If you feel bad about it it's not because she did anything mean. It's because you are embarrassed that you snore (unless you truly believe you don't and she made it all up to make you feel bad?). If so there must be a significant back story.

OP I think you really need to work on the way you perceive and handle things.
To me it seems like you majorly overreact to any kind of negative emotion and see any negative feedback as an attack. This must be a horrible way to live, both for you and for everyone around you.
I really think counselling and working on the way you react to things is something you need to do. It isn't a fun and pleasant thing, but it is useful and will help.
At the moment you come across as selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed, you are so focused on your own feelings that you trample over the feelings of everyone else. This will mean that you can never really have an honest relationship as people with either walk on eggshells, tell you what you want to hear or just avoid you.
Children believe they are the centre of the universe and don't see others as real people with their own emotions and needs. They outgrow this and start to be more considerate of others. I don't know why you react the way you do, that is something you can discover in therapy. But right now you come across as quote childish.
This is not an attack, it is just some honest advice.
Apologise to your sister and work on dealing with your emotions, regulating your responses and being more considerate of others.

There's a lot of projection of blame in your posts and not a lot of accountability. Counselling is definitely a good option.

I think you really do have to try and look at your response to this. You asked her for an answer and so then she told you. You then blame her for spoiling the time together when I think it is your reaction that has done that. Please do think about this because you insisted she was honest and then didn't like it when she was. That is not fair to anyone including you

Regarding the snoring - it IS something you can't help but there are things you can do about it!

1. You really DO need to see a Dr and get a referral as you mentioned your weight issues and loud snoring plus weight CAN suggest at least the start of sleep apnoea which needs addressing. Do you wake up with a headache; another clue to possibly the start of this? It can be dangerous. I'm not trying to scare you but it is NOT something to ignore so please talk to your GP. Force yourself despite the embarrassment!
2. You can try mouth tapes to help reduce snoring. You can buy special mouth tapes online (Amazon) or you can buy microporous tape in Superdrug and put a piece across your mouth at night. This means you breathe through your nose and can really reduce/stop snoring

Please make up with your sister; try to see her perspective and know that life is too short to waste on this sort of thing with people you love and who love you

And also try to accept the problem you have and do something about it. ASAP

""I told her she needed to address why she was such a light sleeper as nobody else had a problem with me. I know people will say that was unfair.

I think she's still annoyed. I will leave it calm down a few days and then decide what to say to her. I don't like the fighting""

If you don't like fighting, work on being way way less defensive and childish

Do you only lash out at your sister or do you behave this way to other family, friends, work colleagues, acquaintances or strangers?

My sister only lashed out at me. Sometimes quite violently. Most of my life, our parents said I had to have done or said something to her to cause it. She was the victim and I was the villain. My only crime was existing. But since she only did it to me, they insisted I had to be causing it.

I believed that I must be doing something to deserve the abuse and walked on eggshells. This didn’t change until she attacked me in front of my DH and he intervened. We had held similar jobs in college, but at different companies. She asked what my pay had been and I answered. It was more than she was making and she flipped out. She began yelling and cursing at me and attempted to strike me. My DH put himself in front of me and told her to settle down and knock it off. He is the one who finally convinced me that I had done nothing wrong.

It still took years before I finally cut her off. Once she didn’t have me to lash out at, she started on other family members. She was never physically violent with them, the way she was with me, but when they got a taste of her verbal attacks and victim mentality. It has been over a decade since I’ve spoken to or seen her and I moved thousands of miles away from her and she still randomly has diatribes about how I am victimizing her. Our parents tried to convince her to get therapy about three months after I cut off her and she started lashing out at them. That apparently was my fault too and I was trying to make her look crazy even though all I did was remove myself as a target and I refused to talk about her to our relatives.

For God's sake, dont send a card! That's a cop out.

Bloody put on your big girl pants and speak to your sister face to face and apologise for being a selfish dick and ask how you can make it up to her.

Then get yourself some counselling to help yourself with your victim complex.

Agree that a card feels like a cop out. The OP seems to have gradually recognised that she may in fact have been in the wrong (well done on gaining some insight), so seems a shame to blow it by not being direct in her apology.

(Incidentally MooseandSquirrelLoveFlannel: great name)

I’m the snorer in my marriage and while DH is very tolerant I appreciate it’s hard for him. I’ve been checked out for sleep apnoea and now have a mandibular advancement device , which frankly is not that comfortable. I’ve had to face up to my issue and try and do something about it. It is embarrassing ( I’ve had people walk out of youth hostel dorms because of my snoring) but sooner or later you have to face up to it, not least as PPs have said because of the possible health implications.