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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:

Daveismyhero · 23/10/2023 18:58

Theres nothing more soul destroying than trying to sleep in a room with someone that's snoring really loudly. Listening to them enjoy their nice deep sleep whilst they are the reason that you can't get to sleep is infuriating. I think she did well to keep her mouth shut until you forced her to tell you. Personally I'd have been waking the snorer up in the night so get them to stop

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2023 18:59

She didn’t handle it well because you can’t help it, but obviously she was absolutely exhausted. She doesn’t owe you an apology - actually you could say sorry for keeping her awake, as a gesture - but it would be nice if you could come together to reconnect.

Susuwatariandkodama · 23/10/2023 18:59

I think you are being unfair on your sister and you have overreacted. It’s obviously a sensitive subject for you but you did ask and she did say you wouldn’t want to know.
I think you need to apologise to her, not the other way round.

Pccleaner · 23/10/2023 18:59

Why are you ashamed by a common medical problem you were unaware of? By all means apologise for keeping her awake, then google some of the many effective and cheap remedies. Fwiw everyone snores occasionally.

Delphina17 · 23/10/2023 18:59

YABU if this is real. Your sister has done nothing wrong.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 23/10/2023 19:00

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

Your sister felt like shit because she was knackered and she tried to protect your feelings by not telling you.

You can make a difference, you can prop yourself up with pillows, or just apologise and be considerate. it goes a long way.

jiinglebells · 23/10/2023 19:00

YABU!

She was grumpy because she was sleep deprived, you pushed and pushed for her to tell you - she did and you didn't like it, cried and got angry - and you think she's the one who spoiled the weekend? 👀

miniproblem · 23/10/2023 19:00

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

What you've described is in no way an attack and you made her tell you!

Speak to her and be honest and say you didn't realise and you're embarrassed.

It doesn't sound like she has anything to apologise for and this is not a thing to fall out over.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 23/10/2023 19:00

She wasn't attacking you though, you asked her repeatedly and forced an answer.

From her perspective, she's tired, she wasn't going to say anything to you (clearly she knew it would upset you), then you went on at her, so she told you and then you had a go at her and made her feel guilty. I think its you that's spoiled the trip tbh, not her.

Chewbecca · 23/10/2023 19:01

You've not been attacked.
You've received an honest response to your question.
This is daft - her booking a second room is absolutely the right thing to do if you can't sleep in the same room as someone.

cauliflowershoes · 23/10/2023 19:01

Oh I'm sorry, but I shared a twin hotel room with my mum a few months ago and her snoring was SO bad that I went in search of earplugs at 2am and couldn't find any so literally ended up sleeping in the car.

It can be really unbearable lying next to someone who snores loudly. Lying there waiting for each rhythmic snore over and over again while desperate to sleep is so hard. While I would never blame my mum or try to make her feel bad, I did have to explain why we'd need separate rooms the next time we went away! It's not your fault, but it's not hers either.

Chewbecca · 23/10/2023 19:01

Is this a reverse?

WhateverMate · 23/10/2023 19:02

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say

It's not mean, it's factual.

You were in the wrong to push her to tell you and then start raising your voice to her when she finally did.

Topseyt123 · 23/10/2023 19:03

I don't think she was attacking you, but trying to sleep in the same room as a snorer is often impossible. They frequently have no idea how loud they are and it is a horrendous noise.

She has also suggested that you may need medical attention for this and it could be true. It's called sleep apnoea and is dangerous because you literally stop breathing for quite a few seconds whilst asleep.

I take it you didn't realise that you snored, so it has come as a shock and you are feeling understandably defensive about it. You need to take it seriously though. Get a doctor's appointment and tell them what happened and what your sister has told you. They should refer you to a sleep clinic.

Also, just accept gracefully that you can no longer share hotel rooms with people. It isn't fair on them.

My MIL used to deny being a snorer. It got to the stage where we could no longer stay with her in her house overnight because nobody got much sleep except her.

One weekend she went away with her bridge club and shared a room with a friend of hers. Next morning friend was ina terrible mood and gave MIL both barrels for not having told them that she was a horrendous snorer. MIL was utterly mortified, but never denied it again. She never shared a room with anyone ever again either.

sprigatito · 23/10/2023 19:03

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

You're only thinking about yourself and how you feel, though, aren't you? Do you think she should just accept lying awake all night, listening to you grunting away, getting no sleep and pretend to be happy and energetic the next day because you "can't help it"? She didn't ruin your break, you ruined hers, and you're now blaming her for it.

My DH is a snorer. We're still very happy and on good terms, because he's also a mature and unselfish person takes responsibility for himself, so we've been able to sort out strategies and compromises rather than him just crying and claiming victim status when I mention it.

1983Louise · 23/10/2023 19:03

She's not attacked or shamed you, you seem very over sensitive to.it all. I thought you were going to say you had farted all night and she told all your family and friends. Snoring's no big deal, think you need to lighten up a bit.

margotrose · 23/10/2023 19:03

Sharing a room with someone who snores is absolutely hellish.

I appreciate it's not your fault but it's not your sisters' either, and she's the one who's left without getting any sleep.

YABVU. It's not personal.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 19:04

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:57

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

And how shit do you think she felt with no sleep?

Have you even uttered a single apology or just made yourself the sole victim?

Sakura7 · 23/10/2023 19:04

Yeah I'm with the others. YABU.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 23/10/2023 19:04

'you wear your heart on your sleeve' - does that mean you're happy to cry at people, shout at them and get angry? How do you react when other people treat you the same way?

I'd have been bloody annoyed if you snored so loudly that I couldn't sleep.

You were totally unfair to your sister. Get a grip and think honestly about your actions.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2023 19:04

On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep
So despite being exhausted, she isn't allowed to be grumpy, she should just plaster a smile on and pretend she's fine because you matter more?
Or having told you nothing, then told you you didn't want to know and you STILL pushed, was she meant to lie because you're so special you shouldn't ever be told anything honest?

You pushed her to tell you, she was honest and you had a tantrum.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 23/10/2023 19:05

I'd have been throwing things across the room!! I really really hate the sound of snoring.. as others have said, she didn't want to tell you, you forced her. From the fact that she knew exactly how you'd react it seems you might be known for extreme reactions (shouting at her for just reporting an honest fact is extreme). Clearly you were embarrassed but you took it out on her which was absolutely not fair.

DelightfullyDotty · 23/10/2023 19:06

She was very patient….two nights with no sleep! I’d have woken you up after an hour and tried to organise another room immediately. And if you’d tried to blame me I’d have had strong words.

Sakura7 · 23/10/2023 19:06

Chewbecca · 23/10/2023 19:01

Is this a reverse?

Possible, but in my experience some snorers can be extremely defensive and do take it as a personal insult.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/10/2023 19:06

Yabu

Sleep deprivation is terrible and you pushed her.
She didn't say anything particularly bad.
I get that you can't help it, but neither can she.

Unless you think she's lying?

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