Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is she shaming me? So upset

567 replies

Aarrrgghh · 23/10/2023 18:41

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 24/10/2023 21:57

She's not shamed you. You adlrd her a question , she answered truthfully.

Most people snore. Its no big deal. Buy some earplugs and give then to her next time you share a room

I snore too. That's what I do

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 24/10/2023 21:58

No wonder she's peed off, she got no sleep listening to you snoring your head off for 2 nights. Its not your fault you snore but surely you can see why she'd be annoyed? Your reaction is OTT.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 24/10/2023 22:08

You're really over reacting, a normal reaction would be 'oh God I'm really sorry, I'll sleep on my side tonight or shall I get you some ear plugs?'

Why would you be angry about her telling you what you wanted to know?!!

CameltoeParkerBowles · 24/10/2023 22:12

Absolutely. Sometimes, people who are outwardly emotional can forget that others also have feelings, or indeed, the need for a night's sleep. It's just all about them!

willWillSmithsmith · 24/10/2023 22:12

Puffalicious · 24/10/2023 20:06

Tough talk here, but completely accurate. Figure out why you've taken this so badly & reacted emotionally. Snoring is a nightmare- I couldn't live with a partner that snored, I'd go insane.

Show quote history

I would guess that the OP has form in over reacting and interpreting everything as criticism. Her sister obviously knew she would react that way, whereas if I told my sister I wouldn’t have had to pre-empt it with a ‘you won’t like it’ warning.

OP you really should think about getting counselling. Do you really want to be a person everyone has to walk on eggshells around?

HappyintheHills · 24/10/2023 22:13

Aarrrgghh · 24/10/2023 20:34

I have had counselling suggested to be before but it scares me if I'm honest. And when it was suggested I felt like I was being called crazy.

The thought of telling all these deeply personal things to a stranger, it just doesn't appeal to e at all

But discussing it with randoms on the internet is fine?

HappyintheHills · 24/10/2023 22:25

Ukrainebaby23 · 24/10/2023 21:32

I disagree, if she didn't want to say about the problem, she shouldn't have been huffy. You can't sit with someone you know well who us huffy and not ask repeatedly what is the problem.
So she was tired, I'm frigging tired I've a non sleeping dragon baby, and I'm blinking tired, but I don't take it out on DH nor baby. Being tired is no excuse. Being huffy helps no one and is selfish and am dram.

Take a deep breath smile and get over it. On both sides, and yours too probably.

Show quote history

I found asking once, accepting the inevitable answer that nothing was wrong and then cracking on with my day, leaving huffer to huff really effective. If there was a real issue they could speak to me, use their words, like an adult.

ellyeth · 24/10/2023 22:33

She wasn't going to tell you, despite the fact that it had been impossible for her to sleep for two nights.

Yet you insisted that she tell you.

So she told you the truth and then somehow you perceive that as her being critical and offensive.

I can understand you feeling upset and embarrassed but really you are being unreasonable about this. You could have just said you had no idea that you snored and your were sorry to have kept her awake like that. Instead you, in effect, turned on her for telling the truth.

I think if you research snoring and how to prevent it there are certain methods that can help with this. That would be far more productive than getting overwrought about your sister. And I don't think she owes you an apology. Just make up and stop being silly.

BustyLaRoux · 24/10/2023 22:39

Your sister hasn’t done anything wrong!

You haven’t been “shamed”. She told you the truth as to why she was in a grump. Two nights without sleep is enough to make anyone grumpy. And you insisted she tell you. And when she did you threw a tantrum because in your eyes she was fat shaming you.

This is not her fault. This is your issue. You should be apologising to her for keeping her awake and for your massive overreaction.

You seem to have made this all about you when she’s the one who had the right to feel aggrieved. And your later posts are still all about your own feelings. Honestly I feel for your poor sister. It isn’t her that ruined the holiday as several other people have said.

Get some help with your snoring and your weight if it is making you this oversensitive. And please do apologise to your sister big time!

Namechange4234 · 24/10/2023 22:42

Aarrrgghh · 24/10/2023 20:34

I have had counselling suggested to be before but it scares me if I'm honest. And when it was suggested I felt like I was being called crazy.

The thought of telling all these deeply personal things to a stranger, it just doesn't appeal to e at all

So it doesn't appeal to you?

But treating your own sister so badly, because of your problems.....that's ok?

Angry
DiaryOfaTTCer · 24/10/2023 22:45

Sorry but I'd feel the same way as your sister.

I cannot stand snoring.

Blueink · 24/10/2023 23:49

Try and move things on OP, you could tell your DSis you were surprised as weren’t aware of the problem, apologise for your reaction and tell her you will see the GP (and book an appointment).

There’s also a snoring app (SnoreLab) which might be enlightening…you could download it and look into your snoring using that that meanwhile. There is a free part or you can subscribe if you want to access the extra resources.

You reacted the way you reacted as you obviously felt sensitive about it, but try not to over think it. Your DSis was grumpy and sleep deprived and that likely meant she wasn’t as tactful as she might have been.

Ilovecleaning · 24/10/2023 23:58

Sharing a room with a loud snorer is a NIGHTMARE. Absolutely awful. I have experienced this. You lose a night’s sleep while the snorer is happily sleeping while snoring their head off.
However, I think she should have been nicer about it and simply booked a separate room after her first sleepless night.

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/10/2023 01:14

I can't help it though and it's not like I can get it fixed there and then. I'm being attacked for something that's not my fault.

It put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit.

True, it's not something you can get fixed there and then, but you appear to not be acknowledging your sister's feelings at all here.

You're not being attacked - you asked her a question she said you wouldn't like the answer to, but pushed her for an answer anyway and, lo and behold, you didn't like the answer! While the snoring might not be your fault, how that scenario played out IS your fault unfortunately.

And as for 'it put me on edge for the rest of the trip and made me feel like shit', I'm guessing that the sleep deprivation caused by your snoring - whether you can 'help' it or not - had the exact same effect on your sister. So, in short, YABU. Sorry.

Buffs · 25/10/2023 01:39

YABVU.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2023 01:56

If anyone is attacking someone, it's you. You sound almost impossible to deal with, honestly. You demand an answer and then go bonkers when you get one, even though it's the truth. Your sister couldn't win, no matter what she did or say. You seem rather emotionally manipulative, op, and your victim mentality is quite something.

pythonny · 25/10/2023 02:24

Reading this I feel tired for your sister! Forget the physical tiredness/sleep issues, that must be mild compared to the emotional exhaustion of having someone like you in her life :/

pythonny · 25/10/2023 02:25

Ilovecleaning · 24/10/2023 23:58

Sharing a room with a loud snorer is a NIGHTMARE. Absolutely awful. I have experienced this. You lose a night’s sleep while the snorer is happily sleeping while snoring their head off.
However, I think she should have been nicer about it and simply booked a separate room after her first sleepless night.

Think OP might have taken booking a room on the first night as hurtful/shaming/etc

XelaM · 25/10/2023 02:49

Your poor sister. You owe HER an apology. I couldn't deal with so much drama over something so trivial. You sound like such hard work.

MiniBossFromAus · 25/10/2023 05:38

If you have ever tried to sleep next to a snorer then you might be a bit less dramatic and more understanding.

It is shit. I moan at DH most nights and don't give a shit if he can help it. He goes and sleeps/snores in another room.

OTOH Your sister could just have said something after the first night and booked a separate room then, instead of being moody. But then you would have been moody for 2 days. A no win situation.

No shame in being a snorer. Next time just book your own room. At least now you know you are a noisy grunter at night 😂

RedHelenB · 25/10/2023 05:44

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 23/10/2023 18:45

You pushed her for an answer and she answered truthfully. She’s not shamed you unless there’s something I’m missing. She was knackered and told you it’s because you were snoring, people snore, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Why did you raise your voice at her?

This.

electriclight · 25/10/2023 06:08

So your sister was supposed to pretend she was well rested and nothing was wrong, even though you pushed her for an explanation?

Because you can't bear to hear a factual comment about yourself from a sibling. I hope you can hear how ridiculous that sounds. My response would've been to apologise (as I tell my kids, even if it's accidental or unintentional you still apologise if you upset or hurt someone), give her a hug and promise to sleep on my side tonight. It's very odd that this made you defensive.

pebbles8811 · 25/10/2023 06:19

Omg get a grip you snore so what most people do put on your big girl pants and get it dealt with instead of passing blame to your poor sister, I’m surprised anyone can have a conversation with you if this is how you react to being told you snore Jesus Christ

StoatofDisarray · 25/10/2023 06:56

You should have said sorry, not raised your voice at her.

Ilovecleaning · 25/10/2023 06:59

pythonny · 25/10/2023 02:25

Think OP might have taken booking a room on the first night as hurtful/shaming/etc

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, I agree. I meant that the sister could have explained - as nicely as she could - before booking the separate room.