Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

Tough talk here, but completely accurate. Figure out why you've taken this so badly & reacted emotionally. Snoring is a nightmare- I couldn't live with a partner that snored, I'd go insane.

If she shouted it out in the dining room over breakfast for everyone to hear that would have been embarrassing but she didn't, it might make you feel like shit, and just because you former partner didn't mention it doesn't mean you don't do it. I would say you should apologise to her for keeping her awake, I am irritable if I don't get enough sleep so she could not help it either. You need to get checked out and try and loose weight of that's the problem but it may not be. Then if you get another partner you will not have to worry about it . Try and stop feeling slighted by every negative comment.

That’s a very over sensitive reaction. Most people (well, me) would have just laughed then said sorry for my snoring and then googled how to stop snoring.

Sharing a room with a snorer is torturous. Especially if you’re a light sleeper anyway. And I personally had little time for the ‘I can’t help it’ line - perhaps not in that moment, but it’s still a health condition that can affect others and it’s so selfish to not even attempt to sort it knowing you have to share a sleep space with somebody else. I’d have absolutely found myself another room as well.

Yeah - I think she reacted pretty normally for someone with no sleep for two nights. Grumpy, grouchy and with an edge. Of course you can’t help your snoring but yeah, I’d have ended up laughing with her about it in your shoes. When you’re that tired, someone overreacting with hurt, upset and anger when all you want is a ‘shit, so sorry - can’t believe I sound like a giant sow in suckle through the night. I will pay you back in primo cappuccinos to help keep you up through the day.’? It just adds insult to injury.

I get you feel your emotions really keenly and it feels like you equate negative comments as judgement (which they often aren’t, I promise, most the time they are just other people’s shit, like your sister’s sleep deprivation). I would seek counselling to help rewrite that negative commentary in your head. It’s really common - loads of us are hypersensitive to criticism. It gets better with proper help. Google: rejection sensitive dysphoria.

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass”. (Warren Buffett).

“I struggle a lot with criticism.”

Understatement of the whole thread. 🙄

Your poor sister. No sleep and then when pushed to explain you get defensive, explode and accuse her of all sorts of horrible untrue things.

You need to work on your self awareness and your aggression.

But. You asked her……..

would you rather she lied? I mean she did warn you beforehand…..there is no way she’s at fault for it! Not at all!

YABVU and you’re completely over-reacting. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing, your sister must have been going out of her mind. And she didn’t want to tell you, you forced her into it. She was just being honest, not trying to shame you. She is not at fault in any way.

You seem to have totally ignored the fact she has said you should seek medical advice. How in heavens name is this wrong in your eyes. Go to the Doctor, explain what has happened and see what they have to say. You may well have a sinus issue that you didn't have when with your ex.. Get a grip of yourself.

You need to apologise to your sister for raising your voice to her.

I’m not one for diagnosing on the internet, but reading the OP’s posts I don’t think it’s a huge stretch to at least question if they have (or suspect they have) autism. Unable to deal with very valid ‘criticisms’ or anything perceived as a negative about themselves is often a trait, as is huge difficulties in changing aspects of their health or wellbeing.

My ex used to blow up in the same way about his snoring yet wouldn’t try to sort it medically or physically. Just literally foot stomping, ‘I can’t help it!!’ and also saying I was horrible to dare even bring it up. It wasn’t just about the snoring, it was about anything that could (should) be changed, worked on, inappropriate etc - same reaction. In hindsight he had undiagnosed autism and had great great difficulty in sorting health and other personal issues due to the sense of change, the hatred of process that went with sorting these issues, the hatred of being perceived as ‘wrong’, disliking anything ‘changing’, sensory issues etc.

It’s not an excuse and it is exhausting having to put up with snoring or having someone blow up at you despite them being the cause of sleep deprivation. But I suspect sorting with the snoring or the inability to deal with criticism might be a much bigger step for the op…

Sorry but you’re being over sensitive. You asked, sh3 told you, it isn’t like she personally attacked you. I shoved my dh multiple times and felt quite murderous last night when he wouldn’t stop snoring but at least I had the option to move rooms, unlike your sister.

You’re a dream holiday companion.

So the answer is book a single room! If your snoring is so loud it stops the other person sleeping then you should not share a room.

I don't blame you for being upset hearing that, most people would if they didn't know they snored. But the normal response to finding out you've unwittingly caused someone else inconvenience etc is to apologise sincerely and make restitution if appropriate. (For you that would be offering to cover the cost of the second hotel room.)

You've also overreacted and had a tantrum after forcing your sister to admit what the problem was. Your response was utterly self-centred and all about you, you had no concern over your sister's suffering at all. That's not an attractive trait. You say you are close to your sister, yet you treat her like crap. Not because of the snoring, which you couldn't help, but because of the way you responded to her enlightening you as to why she was out of sorts.

You are massively unreasonable and look selfish and uncaring. Your behaviour ruined the time away, not your sister's! I'd be surprised if she ever went away with you again, after this. It's one thing being "emotional", it's another having no restraint on your behaviour at all, like a toddler.

I have had counselling suggested to be before but it scares me if I'm honest. And when it was suggested I felt like I was being called crazy.

The thought of telling all these deeply personal things to a stranger, it just doesn't appeal to e at all

Speaking to a stranger is absolutely the best person to talk to! They know nothing about you, so won't judge or have any preconceived perceptions about you. It's their job to sit and listen to strangers and then offer advice and ways of working on yourself.

There you go again. “They were calling me crazy” immediately on the defensive/victim mode rather than doing any self examination. If it’s been suggested to you before and again several times here does that not tell you that the problem here is you? Your reactions to perfectly reasonable comments from people who are trying to help you are disproportionate and emotionally manipulative. Counselling isn’t meant to be appealing. It can be scary. But it’s about understanding and resetting unhealthy behaviours and thought patterns which it’s clear you definitely need to do.

It can be daunting to go to counselling for the first time, but it gives you the potential to explore problems with someone who is impartial. At the moment, you sound like you are ruled by your emotions and that potentially affects how you interact with other people which can damage relationships. And criticism is part of life and although no one likes it, we all have to be able to cope with it. Although it is not easy, counselling is an option to change things in your life for the better. It is not for being crazy - it is for anyone having a hard time.

Why were you so offended?

This is exactly why counseling would benefit you. The victim mentality needs to stop and you need a professional to help you learn how.

I think you’d only have grounds to call it shaming if she’d said this in front of your relatives.

(This is what my sister would have done.)

You pushed her to tell you & when she did you spat your dummy out; the poor lass was knackered having you snoring like a Boeing 747 in her ear disturbed her sleep; from what you’ve written she was very tactful but you lost your shit & shouted at her; you owe her the apology for being so uptight & precious about it, if I were you I’d make a grovelling apology & quickly. Then look at why your snoring do you have a cold? Sinusitis? Are you overwhelmed all are treatable issues.

Everyone has counselling these days, there’s no stigma around that. It sounds like it would help.

I hope the thread has helped you remember that your sister also has emotions, even if she doesn’t express them so uninhibitedly, and is probably feeling pretty shitty about having been shouted at while sleep deprived. I have a friend who seems to think that because she puts all of her emotions on those around her that her feelings are more real than those of the rest of us. We all have feelings, and it can really hurt a person’s feelings to be used as an emotional punching bag and to be taken for granted.