Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

No point in getting upset. Some people just can’t get past people snoring… like some people think people eat too loudly. Not necessarily true, but some people are sensitive to it.
I know I snore, and my DH is a terrible snorer, even if he takes a nap during the day! But at least at night, when I remove my hearing aids, I can’t hear him!!🤭

Try not to fret about it… you did push a sleep-deprived person for an answer!!

Find some way to publicly humiliate her. That will get her back.

You pushed for an answer and didn’t like the response. I think you should be the one apologising

You don't seem able to acknowledge your own responsibility in all this. Your subsequent posts have tended to be defensive, rather than any attempt to see the matter from your sister's point of view.

It's good to be sensitive, but not when it's a one-way street in which everyone else's feelings are immaterial. As someone else said, don't be the person that
others have to walk on eggshells around.
Even the perfectly reasonable suggestion that you might have counselling is met with refusal on the quite unfounded grounds that someone might call you crazy!

It's a lot more expensive, but a lot of problems on holiday can be fixed by just having separate rooms. At least you can escape each other's annoying habits, so the pressure doesn't build up.

This isn’t about the snoring. I think you should seek out some support for your mental health. This interaction, your response and how you’re feeling about it now all indicates that there is something else going on and you’re finding life hard. It’s ok to ask for help.
Start with talking to your sister and suggest that you might be struggling (if you agree you are).
Another explanation might be where you are in your cycle and can recognise this level of sensitivity and reaction at similar times in your cycle and could it be related to that. Hormones are very powerful and can affect people differently.

A lot of people in this thread either need to go to the GP or need to take their partner to the GP!

If snoring is disruptive.
If you stop breathing during your snoring.
If you wake up gasping or choking.
If you have a dry mouth/sore throat in the morning
If you have headaches when you wake
If you struggle to focus in the day
If you're tired in the day.
If you fall asleep watching TV.
If you have mood swings, are depressed or easily upset
If your blood pressure is high
If you're libido is tanked.

Obviously I'm not saying one on its own is OSA but if you read that list and feel called out, you probably do. I feel we've seen a few of these from @Aarrrgghh

Honestly @Aarrrgghh , you need to get a grip. I say this with respect, but sleeping next to someone who snores is awful, especially for several nights. Yes you can't help it, but it doesn't change the fact that your sister is being deprived of important rest, does it?

Your reaction here is the issue. You pressed her for an answer and then reacted badly. You are continuing to dwell on it. And just because one person managed to sleep next to you, doesn't mean that it's ok for everyone else.

You need to seek medical guidance about your snoring. In future, don't share a room with your sister.

And take some time to work on your reactions. It wasn't a criticism, she stated a fact and her needs were not being met. She was not being unkind, unsupportive or in any way malicious. But, your reaction, by comparison, was.

I told her she needed to address why she was such a light sleeper as nobody else had a problem with me. I know people will say that was unfair.

I think she's still annoyed. I will leave it calm down a few days and then decide what to say to her. I don't like the fighting

I think you over-reacted and this has then escalated, crying and raising your voice at your sister for telling you this doesn't seem like an appropriate reaction. You made a scene for something which should have already been forgotten by both of you. She wasn't trying to hurt you.

Surely this is a joke?

This is your problem, not hers. You seem absolutely unwilling to do anything about it, you just want to roll around in your feelings.

I did say it, when she first told me and I got upset.

I was defensive I know. I wish I hadn't said it.

Honestly you are one of the most selfish people I think I’ve ever came across!!

you can easily fix your snoring & anger issues. But you choose not to. That’s on you. Nobody else.
you show no sympathy or empathy for your own sister who you say you are “so close to”. You seem like a horrible selfish person.

you need to get out of the pity pit you’ve dug yourself in and start being a nicer, more caring & happier person.

Then just ring her and apologise and put it all behind you both.

If you haven't already, time for a big, sincere apology. And next time someone makes you feel like this, remember how badly it's gone this time and try dial back on your reaction.

Honestly op.
You are getting some harsh replies here but you deserve them. Your poor sister endured two night of no sleep because of your snoring. When you pushed her to tell you why she was in bad form she told you and you got annoyed with HER For dating to upset you seeing as she knows you're a emotional person and all so she should just lie there each night and not mention it because you the emotional one can't be upset.
Sleep deprivation is absolute torture and now that you know you snore , just arrange separate rooms in future . That's what you should have said.

It sounds like you're hoping now it will all blow over . Show some maturity and ring her and apologise saying you're sorry you over reacted as you were embarrassed .

You need to work on yourself op or you will alienate the people around you.

Unfair is one way of expressing what seems to have been a snipe and run. Even now, you seem to be considering this only from your perspective, you set the timing and the terms of the exchange. You don't like fighting but, on reflection, do the remarks from you seem to be acceptable and likely to resolve the many faceted issues?

Did you start out meaning to apologise for your initial reaction and then some other instinct took over?

I wonder if you'd be best advised to reflect and then send her a card that apologises for your actions and response. Nothing more, no self-exculpation, just an apology although you should be clear about what it is you're apologising for and accept responsibility.

You need to consider people's suggestions for talking through your response to things that you find upsetting and the communication difficulties that arise from that.

Jesus Christ you are an absolute nightmare

how is this still your sisters fault

qow. I’m out

you are too selfish to listen to everyone who has told you you are at fault

you NEED therapy

Did she cry, raise her voice and throw a tantrum too when you said she was a light sleeper? I'm guessing not. Your sister actually sounds really lovely and tolerant of your dramatics.

I can't believe anyone is naturally this selfish, so there is definitely something else at play here.

Based on what OP has said about the incident itself and her subsequent posts on this thread, point blank refusing to acknowledge any wrong-doing, I strongly suspect undiagnosed BPD or Asperger's.

@Aarrrgghh should definitely book an appointment with a GP to discuss a lot more than just the snoring...

Are you for real? I didn’t realise it was possible to be this self involved. Your poor sister if this is what she’s had to deal with over the years. Do you often overreact to completely normal reactions from people then try to manipulate the situation to make it their problem and you the victim? That’s so incredibly toxic.

You're something else, OP. If I were your sister, I'd be more than annoyed. You need some serious help.

I think I just lashed out because I was embarrassed.

I will try writing something down in a card as suggested.

My sister snores horrifically too and it keeps me awake when we go away together. In between trips (usually a year or two) I forget and it catches me out every time.
it’s not your fault but it’s not hers either.

@Aarrrgghh Your behaviour to your sister wasn't defensive, its abusive.

You can't treat people like this! You need to accept that there's something far wrong with your behaviour and out of balance with your emotions and get help. You'll end up completely alienated if you carry on like this. Please start taking responsibilty for your mental health and stop taking your moods and tantrums out on your sister. Or anyone else for that matter.

You sound very selfish. You’ve clearly been told multiple times your behaviour is unacceptable yet you refuse to look inwards and do some self reflection but insist it’s the other persons fault. You should feel bad, sorry, because your behaviour is bad.