Why is she shaming me? So upset

[Aarrrgghh]

I have a sister and we are very different, I wear my heart on my sleeve and she's a bit more aloof but we are quite close. However she's done something that really upset me and I'm feeling very hurt and angry.

We were away for a few days to visit relatives and were staying in a hotel. On the second morning she seemed grumpy when I got up and I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but I knew something was up do asked again. She said I wouldn't want to know, I said of course I would, and she went on to tell me I'd been snoring my head off the last two nights and she's had very little sleep.

I got really upset, it's no like I can help it and it felt like a really mean thing to say. I've had a hard time lately and I need support not criticism. I did cry and I raised my voice. She said "I told you you didn't want to know, stop taking it so personally, I'm exhausted but you dont care about that" and then took her bag and left the room. She booked another room for our last night.

It's left me feeling really embarrassed and I feel like she's judging me. We spoke later and she said I'm so loud I need to get medical attention. That just felt like another attack, I got angry and she accused me of going totally OTT.

My ex didn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me.

I'm avoiding her now. I do t like fighting but I think she owes me an apology for spoiling our time away and upsetting me.

Do you think she was trying to be hurtful or is it just her way?

You sound draining. You kept her awake for two nights with your snoring, pushed her to tell you, which she did, and then you got upset. I’m surprised you’ve had such an easy time on this thread to be honest. So your oversensitivity trumps the mental torture of being sleep deprived? You have a serious victim mentality.

@Aarrrgghh It’s not really meant to be appealing. It’s a tool to help you navigate your experience of life in a way that helps make more sense of things and supports you to cultivate healthier relationships and ways of understanding yourself and others. But it can be challenging.

Once you have established a degree of familiarity, trust and rapport with a therapist, you may find it is possible to share your feelings with them.

They are there to help you understand what’s going on, not to judge .

They facilitate the process but it’s you who will do the work. It’s well worth it if you find the right therapist.

Maybe consider a psychodynamic practitioner. It’s one of the best investments you can make, for yourself and your future.

Therapy is a tool that can help you live life the way you want to. It isn’t something that is done to you, it’s something you do for yourself.

Yes you can

uou can go and buy some nasal strips, and some nytol and ear plugs for jer

not sleeping is fucking awful and you are the direct cause, no wonder she is so ratty.

and you absolutely 1 million percent over reacted. Be kind to her and she will return the favour.

You are being ridiculous

There are certain phrases that are almost invariably used by people with a delusional sense of self:

I wear my heart on my sleeve. - my feelings a bigger, deeper than other people’s and that is why I must vent them irrespective of other people. Other people might be aloof and cold but I’m not. It’s not that I’m emotionally incontinent and self absorbed, no, I just wear my heart on my sleeve.

I’m an empath. - your grief is my grief, whatever you are expressing can be brought back around to me because you see I feel so acutely.

My problem is I’m a giver - I’m a martyr and you’re going to pay for it. Nobody is ever grateful enough.

I just want everyone to be happy! - You aren’t doing what I want in the way I want you all to do it and now everyone is stressed and I’m unhappy!

Yes I really would be totally fine with someone saying this. I snore BADLY due to respiratory issues and weight gain (my husband and I are currently in separate rooms entirely due to this) so I have had this conversation and, while it is embarrassing, I've also been on the other side and know how infuriating it is for the other person so the only response for me is to apologise. I too can be quite sensitive but your reaction seems extreme. In the nicest possible way I think you are being a little unreasonable and should probably apologise to your sister for both keeping her awake and for overreacting.

If you want to improve anything I. Your life you NEED counselling.

this is a massive overreaction and you doubled down even though all the other commenters have been very steady and supportive and made kind suggestions

have you done ANYTHING?

You both could have dealt with it better-
She could have gently mentioned it and explained why she needed a room to herself however sleep deprivation can get the best of us
You shouldn't have raised your voice however in the moment you were upset and those feelings are valid

Don't fall out over something so small. Go give her a hug and make up

Wow.

She's not attacking you! She hadn't slept, of course she was off. She tried to avoid telling you but you dragged it out of her.

A bit of sympathy wouldn't have gone amiss.

She knew you wouldn't be sympathetic which says alot about you as a person and how you are usually.

This! Sleeping by someone who snores is intolerable. Sleep deprivation is bad for health. I know it's hard to have something unfixably wrong with you that upsets other people (I too have something that I can't change - terrible social skills!) but please remember it has made her suffer.

She probably avoided telling you because she knew you'd take it as an "attack" when it's not.

Now you know you snore, you can plan future sleeping arrangements accordingly. And get medical treatment, if applicable.

Having read all of your comments on here OP, talking therapy would absolutely be a great help for you to learn to control those thoughts and insecurities.
Your snoring very well could be a medical issue so do speak to your GP about it.
Weight is a fucker! I empathise there. Maybe when your mind is a bit settled you will be able to focus on your weight loss and that will help the snoring.

I used to be very sensitive and took so much to heart.
Your sister didn’t want to tell you but you insisted, you can’t really be mad at her about that darling. It’s not your fault but you need to take ownership that on purpose or not, you’ve kept her awake for 2 nights.
Having therapy and even taking medication to keep us balanced is not a bad thing. Maybe you need an SSRI. I’ve taken meds for 13 years now because if I don’t my life suffers massively, I can’t cope and I cry and I become angry and aggressive and then I’m hilarious and then i cry all over again, and I’m ok with that. If that’s what I need to be ‘okay’ then I’m doing it and will become friends with it.
It’s nothing to be ashamed about x

@Aarrrgghh Do you care that your sister couldn't sleep properly for two nights?

I am sorry - but to me it doesn't sound like you wear your heart on your sleeve, as you said in OP. That is when you care about the other person and make it apparent. That's not what you have done. You have not shown her that you care about her.

The thing is, people on this thread aren’t recommending counseling because we think you are crazy. I’m pretty sure the people in real life who recommended it to you aren’t calling you crazy. Your thought process is flawed. You aren’t seeing reality and are taking innocuous statements as attacks. A professional counselor can help you learn to differentiate between actual insults and helpful comments. Learning this will help you be happier and have more authentic, loving relationships with others.

Your friends and family are probably on eggshells with you because they know you will take things the wrong way. Your sister was reluctant to tell you that you snored because she knew you would take it as a personal attack. PP’s have pointed out that it is just a statement of fact and not something you should feel insulted by.

My own sister has a victim mentality about everything. She took everything I said and did as a personal attack. She would lash out at me, often violently, anytime I said the wrong thing. I ended up having to cut her off to protect myself and my children from her. It caused massive rifts in my family. She refused counseling and other family members have had to step back from relationships with her because they began to face the same problems with her that I did. I’m heartbroken for her, but until she gets professional help, this won’t change. She isn’t capable of discerning between simple statements of fact and insults (which I wasn’t giving to her).

@Aarrrgghh You build a therapeutic relationship with that person - my counsellor is not a friend, I wouldn’t describe us as close but I have been seeing him for nearly seven years. He is unfailingly non-judgemental. I have learned to trust that I can say and admit to things there that I wouldn’t to those I am closer to, with no fear of the response. For someone who has always felt judged…that is a godsend.

Took ages for me to build that relationship with him though. It has been priceless for my relationships with those around me, and worth every minute. I wouldn’t be where I am today, who I am today, without his support.

Getting counselling doesn’t mean you’re crazy (I mean, I am but it’s got nothing to do with my counselling 😁). But we all need some help from a dispassionate observer who can support us to see things and think about things in a different way.

Let’s be honest…what have you got to lose at this point?

Bloody hell OP. Do you get regular smear tests? Do you go to the dentist? Do you hold down a job? Clear your drains, do your own housework, grocery shop etc etc?

Nobody enjoys counselling. It’s not meant to be enjoyable! You can’t shy away from
something because it’s not appealing or because it scares you - or because you find it upsetting.

You need to get with it. Toughen up, grow up. You’re going to struggle in so many areas of life if you don’t get a handle on yourself. I don’t think even real life princesses get away with only doing appealing, non-scary, non-upsetting things!

Your whole OP could have been me and my sister. The character traits are the same between us. I am the snorer and my sister had a night of no sleep before because of me. I didn’t feel embarrassed and upset but instead I felt so bad for her that I got a different room for our second night and now we always get separate rooms when we go away.

So yes while I do get where you are coming from I do think you are being over sensitive and you did push her for an answer. From her mood you should have guessed it wasn’t going to be great but yet you still insisted for an answer

I disagree, if she didn't want to say about the problem, she shouldn't have been huffy. You can't sit with someone you know well who us huffy and not ask repeatedly what is the problem.
So she was tired, I'm frigging tired I've a non sleeping dragon baby, and I'm blinking tired, but I don't take it out on DH nor baby. Being tired is no excuse. Being huffy helps no one and is selfish and am dram.

Take a deep breath smile and get over it. On both sides, and yours too probably.

YABU, I'm with your sister on this one.

Doesn’t sound like she was trying to be hurtful and it doesn’t sound like ‘her way’ either.
she was keeping it to herself and you pushed and pushed even though she said you won’t like it and guess what, you didn’t.
you kept her up for 2 nights, if you were my sister I would have thrown something at you in the night and made you get another room so I could sleep!
You have definitely gone OTT with this. You should have immediately apologised and been mortified you’d kept her up! But you made it a her problem, when it’s actually you.
yeah you can’t help it, not your fault as such but it is your responsibility. You don’t blame the other person and try to turn it round onto them. No wonder she’s annoyed at you.

See my reply above. If the sleepless sister hadn't made such a fuss, non of this would have happened.

Life is just too short. Get over it.

She’s not being mean, or attacking you. She told, after you pushed her, that your snoring kept her awake. And instead of apologising you shouted at her, and are now avoiding her.

if you are feeling sensitive about your weight, ask for help at the GP. They should be able to refer you to see someone who can look at your diet with you. I know it’s not easy, but lashing out at your sister is not the answer.

Aww, you do sound easily upset and it sounds like she was ratty with lack of sleep..

An ex was dead cute with me once as he told me that I snored which I was alarmed at, but then he said he enjoyed listening to it as it sounded like a cat purring. Not sure if he was being entirely truthful.

How old are you?

You pushed her to tell you what was wrong when she didn't want to. And now it's her fault that she told you the truth? Spend a few nights without any sleep, get bullied by someone, and see how great you feel.

It's not a criticism of you to tell you that you snore. It might be a complaint and an explanation for why she was tired and grumpy. You took it personally but you should have apologised for keeping her awake, even though you couldn't help it. You don't need to be upset, there's nothing to be ashamed of, but you could see the doctor to see if they can help.

From one overweight person to another, please consider going to the GP about your snoring. I know it’s embarrassing, but you may well have obstructive sleep apnoea and it can be easily remedied with overnight CPAP. It may be stopping you from losing weight and can have a detrimental effect on your health. Don’t feel ashamed!