Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I dont want to live with my MIL

173 replies

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 02:22

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/10/2023 02:24

I think you're right. If she lived there your isolation and loneliness would increase as they will continue to leave you out. It's their home and you're the lodger.

You're not pregnant already, are you?

Pallisers · 23/10/2023 02:25

this won't get better. Honestly I'd cut my losses now.

poppitypop1 · 23/10/2023 02:31

Pallisers · 23/10/2023 02:25

this won't get better. Honestly I'd cut my losses now.

Op I was about to say exactly this.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 02:56

Run for your fucking life. You've been had, I'm afraid. Your husband knew this was the plan all along, and he thinks he can baby trap you into it. He firmly believes you have no say as to what happenes in your own life.

Run, run, run.

Original poster

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 03:09

Im not pregnant. I have a good job and can live anywhere in the world.
I knew she would move in eventually when shes old and I was more than happy to take care of her as she reaches the end of her life.
But moving in when we are starting a new family is not what I was told. Again, decisions are made without me being even asked.

OP posts:

FloofCloud · 23/10/2023 03:12

A few things
Do you have finances to be able to live alone?
Have you paid into this house in any way?
Is your name on the deeds?
Is there room to build so she can have her own space either attached to the house itself or in the garden?
Would the above be an option for you if possible? If so and it's not possible in this house, is it possible to move to a new place that fulfills the above?
Prepare yourself to make tough choices, one way or the other, if he's not prepared to compromise

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2023 03:12

You are going to end up divorced. Better to do it while there are no children.

WomanHereHear · 23/10/2023 03:14

Does he come from a culture where the men are expected to put their mums before their spouse? If so, not a chance you have a say. Hope your name is on the house seeing as you’ve been contributing to it too.

ShatteredPeace · 23/10/2023 03:15

Your DH will never treat you as an equal by the sound of it. You will not even be able to be a mother in your own way. Leave before it gets worse which it will.

Ponderingwindow · 23/10/2023 03:19

Get divorced now before you have children. You can have a clean break and start over.

see a solicitor before you say anything to your spouse. You need to make sure you look after your financial best interests

Yazzi · 23/10/2023 03:27

I don't think your spouse has tricked you or anything, but I do think it's clear you have very different values here and one or the other of you will have to compromise so significantly that it may not be worth it.

It's lucky this has come up pre kids.

Unlike many on Mumsnet I don't think it's bad that your partner wants his mum to live with you. I also don't think its bad that that isn't what you want. Neither of you are wrong. It sounds like cultural differences. So I think discussions about this you should try hard to make not acrimonious or nasty.

Ultimately I think this is unlikely to end well, if you stay together. My MIL will also move in with us as soon as her youngest child is married (he lives with her). I am looking forward to my children having that close a connection to their grandma and her stories and everything she gives to the family. At the same time, my husband is her prince and I know that will come with tensions. But to me it's worth it for family. And I see my husband's deep commitment to family as an admirable quality. If I felt differently, ultimately my husband would resent me for causing what he would see as unnecessary pain to his mother. I imagine your husband would feel the same. On the other hand, living with people who you don't want to during the difficult pregnancy and baby years will probably cause resentment in you too. And again, not unreasonably.

i really feel for you all, and it's good you're having a clear eyed discussion about it now.

hoobanoobie · 23/10/2023 03:32

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 03:09

In this case you need to start looking to get out. He's a Mummy's boy who has misled you. At this point he's willing to sacrifice a normal life with children - a proper family. I think this makes him more than a coward. Why has this plan he put in place for much further down the line changed so drastically that she has to move in soon? Pressure from her because of the money?
Once she's in you would be expected to take over caring for her, laundry, meals etc.
Suddenly it's your problem. Skipping conceiving, pregnancies, birth, babies, toddlers. You're going to end up having to change adult diapers before you've ever changed your own baby. There is no getting on board with this. She's poised to walk all over you in your own home and your "D"H isn't going to do a thing to stop it.
Don’t walk. Run.

Userxyd · 23/10/2023 04:06

Really sorry about this. Please think carefully before having children with this man. Kids are a whole heap of stress and decisions need to be made every day that can change the course of their lives - who you all hang out with, what nursery/school they attend, what hobbies they do, what they eat/wear, behaviour management, what language/s you speak in etc etc.
As a mum and likely primary carer you should have at least 50% of the say in all these but this would clearly not be the case.
Should be a wonderful though exhausting experience but this sounds like it'd be utterly depressing and miserable.
Get out while you still can.

Yazzi · 23/10/2023 04:11

@hoobanoobie for many, many people in the world, your parents (even as adults) are your "proper family". And caring for them does not make you a "coward".

Deciding that because someone's cultural values are different to your own, they're bad values, is rubbish.

Lizzieregina · 23/10/2023 04:21

In your shoes I would feel the same way. I would not want a live in MIL as I began my parenting journey.

It certainly seems like this is a cultural issue for your partner. I would 100% NOT have a baby at this time, or maybe at all. If your partner isn’t agreeable to not having your MIL move in, I’d make moves to end the marriage.

Quite honestly, I don’t think this will end in your favour.

IncomingTraffic · 23/10/2023 04:22

I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.

You simply need to read this back and recognise that you cannot have a baby with this man.

Staying in this marriage is and always will be coming second to his mum. And doing what you’re told.

You don’t want that. Clearly. So all you can do is leave and find a relationship that actually suits your needs.

Crzy · 23/10/2023 04:23

In a similar position myself altho I’m very much stuck unable to disagree altho the thought of living with mil makes me highly uncomfortable and I have to say put your foot down or leave while you can.

The last thing you want is to feel like everything’s been taken over and uncomfortable in your own home when you do eventually get pregnant it is soul destroying feeling that way so please don’t make the same mistake and put your foot down while you can. I’d be considering living separately if you’d like to stay together if he’s insistent on mil moving in with him that’s fine but your own sanity comes first and tbh I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries when it comes to decisions like this as it’ll only get 1000x worse once you have your own family together.

Crzy · 23/10/2023 04:26

Oh and a thing I’ve missed in my response was the comment about her looking after the baby, while I understand the want to help and assist and how it could even come in handy someone on here said something recently on a similar thread I made that stuck with me. She’s had her baby’s this is yours and she is not automatically entitled to help even if culturally that’s the done thing within their family if you don’t feel comfortable with that you’re under no obligation to and your dp shouldn’t be making assumptions you’re going to be comfortable with all of this especially before you’re even pregnant

HamBone · 23/10/2023 04:30

This is something that your partner should have explained to you before you got married-that he expected his mother would move in sooner rather than later, I.e., not years in the future when she’s elderly. Personally, I think he’s misled you and if he’s not willing to rethink the situation, it’s time to end your marriage-definitely don’t have a child with him, make a clean break now.

It’s his own fault, he should’ve been honest with you.

PaminaMozart · 23/10/2023 04:32

- Run for your fucking life. You've been had, I'm afraid. Your husband knew this was the plan all along, and he thinks he can baby trap you into it. He firmly believes you have no say as to what happenes in your own life.
- You are going to end up divorced. Better to do it while there are no children.

Irrespective of whether this is 'cultural' or not, you need to get out. Do not, and I really mean NOT, have children with this man. You would be traveling on an endless road of gut-wrenching heartache.

Don't to it!!!

Brocollimatilda · 23/10/2023 04:34

There are family members I could happily live with. My mother in law is not one of them. We would both be miserable to the point it would probably make us both ill.

It’s good that you recognise how problematic this will be for you before children. I guess it’s serious talk time. Good luck OP, I hope your dh understands your issues.

WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 04:39

I know you never agreed to it but it has happened and I am presuming there is a culture thing at play here, I would have not gone along with this from the start but unless you say a clear no now then not sure how any of this will improve.

I would also no begin to use for her childcare, sure under normal circumstances it should be clear but does not sound in this case that would go down well

cultural does not make it right at all, but something tells me this why it happened in the first place

Lampzade · 23/10/2023 04:42

You have two choices Op

Leave this man
Put up with the situation

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2023 04:52

I would not want to live with an in law. Your mil has too much claim and power over your dh. This will extend to any future children. You’ll be probably be ganged up on and bullied by them by the sound of it. Women are much more vulnerable after having had kids.

Goldbar · 23/10/2023 05:13

Leave him and get any money you've put into the house out of it. And thank your stars that you're not tied to this man and his mother by a baby yet.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread