Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont want to live with my MIL

173 replies

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 02:22

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

OP posts:
Olinguita · 23/10/2023 11:57

I would cut your losses and run. My DH is trying to pull a similar move on me and now we have DC in the mix to complicate matters.
Like you I hadn't anticipated that MIL would want to move in quite so soon, ie when we were in the thick of the toddler years and all of the juggling and chaos that involves. I also hadn't anticipated how difficult MIL would be (there are possibly some quite serious undiagnosed MH issues at play) and the extent to which my DH's personality would change around her. And also how bad he is at handling her and backing me up.
I think living with in-laws can be done if everyone behaves respectfully and in a spirit of true intergenerational solidarity. I thought that could happen in my family. MIL and DH were nice people, right? Unfortunately, after marriage, the reality is constant bickering and undermining whenever MIL is here, and me feeling like a stranger in my own home. I feel like I've been duped. Please get out while you still can.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/10/2023 12:01

A couple of women whom I know who could be in this situation. One ended up divorcing her DH partly because the MIL took over. Her DH was demanding and controlling anyway. She remarried a few years later and has another DC and no MIL living with her.

My friend got engaged to a man who has a controlling and abusive DM. She was controlling and abusive to my friend since they got together and before they got engaged my friend had to have a chat to MIL to ensure there weren’t issues. No way would that MIL be moving in with them!

OP needs to have a chat to DH to create boundaries with MIL, don’t think necessarily divorce yet though.

GerbilsForever24 · 23/10/2023 12:03

the extent to which my DH's personality would change around her

I really think this is important. My mum was actually a pretty good MIL I think. But the dynamic between her and my brother was odd. He turned into a complete psycho monster around her (well, to be fair, around most of us but ESPECIALLY Mum) and I feel very grateful that our SIL is willing to spend any time with us at all because it must be HELL for her.

My MIL has spent long periods with us over the years and it has not always been great for me. But the one thing I have always appreciated is that DH works hard to minimise the impact on me and, when we (well, I) identify areas where he's behaving in a way he wouldn't normally, he is very good about recognising it. eg, when the DC were small and she would stay, she was very demanding of his time so when I pointed out that the DC were constantly being abandoned mid game or activity, he really took that on board.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 23/10/2023 12:05

Pallisers · 23/10/2023 02:25

this won't get better. Honestly I'd cut my losses now.

This.

FictionalCharacter · 23/10/2023 12:13

“our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.”
She will want to take care of your baby. Whether you want her to or not. She will bring up your baby her way. That’s their plan. You’re a spare part in this family, until you’re needed to take care of MIL in her old age.
This isn’t a good marriage. The wisest thing would be to end it now, because there’s a great deal of unhappiness ahead.

greengreengrass25 · 23/10/2023 12:19

Sounds awful for you OP

Hasn't she any other dc she can stay with apart from your dh

Yes she will control you and your dc and it will be miserable

frenchfries111 · 23/10/2023 12:51

The problem is even if he now promises to not move her in, once you have a baby and he tries again and you leave, you are co-parenting with her forever.

BarelyCoping123 · 23/10/2023 12:56

Run for the hills OP

Lottapianos · 23/10/2023 13:03

How are you feeling OP? You have a lot of people telling you to end your marriage as things will only get worse, and I agree with them, but it can't be easy to hear. Where are you at with it all?

LifeExperience · 23/10/2023 13:20

Your husband puts his mother first and he always will. This is your life if you stay. He will side with mama about child-rearing and everything else and you will be ignored when you're not being criticized for not doing things mama's way. You will have no autonomy and very little say about what's going on in your own home. Run, do not walk away. Mamas' boys make terrible husbands.

Newestname002 · 23/10/2023 13:22

@Winniejari

The relationship you have with your husband is not a partnership - he has this with his mother, with whom he is making life changing decisions affecting you, without your knowledge, consultation or consent. You are relegated not just behind her but anyone in his family also, who you've tried to get agreement from and been ignored.

Thank goodness you are not yet pregnant as becoming so will just stack the cards against you and the position you've been assigned by your husband and his mother.

Please take a step back and look at how this situation will play out (whether your MIL will stay in an annexe or not - she won't! She'll be in the main house with her son) and decide if you can really stay where you will effectively be no more than the third wheel. Is your name even on the deeds?

It's a hard thing to do, as you love him, but separating and having a clean divorce is the logical solution. Get your own home for your own financial benefit, that you pay for, where you get to decide what goes on in it. 🌹

Walnuthhwip · 23/10/2023 13:31

Yeah you should.
he made an agreement on behalf of both of you. Now he’s ‘told’ you she’s moving in, because of her wish to look after your baby. Your wishes were never considered. He won’t compromise, there is no discussion, it’s his and his mothers way or no way. It’s ok to have cultural norms, but to make decisions or not tell you things like visitors are coming after you’ve repeatedly asked, is simply disrespectful. And for him to refuse to compromise or see your way tells you how much interest he has in your feelings or preferences, whilst you must adapt constantly to his.

you talk about being bullied by your husband and mil and made to feel lonely, why would you want to stay with a man who treats you like that, granny annex or not.

if you do decide to stay, if the house is hers, the decor and space are all her decisions, I would wonder who will be the person to make parental decisions too, I suspect it won’t be you.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 23/10/2023 13:46

Are you legally married /civil
Partnership as recognised by law or have you had a cultural/religious ceremony?
I only ask as most of your OP states partner bar the last sentence.
You have two choices really
Accept it- mil will move in and control your life and that of you future children
Leave him - divorce if you're married, you have certain protections- consult a solicitor
There's no 3rd compromise option here from what you've said, you're so far down the pecking order and will be even further down it if you have children.

FinallyHere · 23/10/2023 13:48

Lampzade · 23/10/2023 04:42

You have two choices Op

  1. Leave this man

  2. Put up with the situation

Please be aware there can be even worse consequences.

My dear friend's MiL moved in a few weeks before her (DFriend') due date, 'allowed' DF three months off work to look after her new baby, then took the baby back to her (MiL's) home country to be 'looked after' while DFriend was sent back to work.

Heartbreaking.

Original poster
Winniejari · 23/10/2023 13:50

Thanks so much for your advice.
I spoke to partner today for many hours, who negotiated that they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time. However, I have heard all of this before and the fact I wasnt asked at all is the biggest reason of my upset.

OP posts:
Meadowfly · 23/10/2023 13:59

Winnie, what horrible situation for you. But you do realise that his 50% offer is a) never going to happen and b) not good enough.

Gloriously · 23/10/2023 14:03

Don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Review his actions to date.

Then understand that these will be repeated and repeated.

This is who he is. This is his MO. These are likely his cultural values.

You have not been listened to.
You will never be listened to.

He will promise the moon on a stick for you to give him a child - but he won’t deliver on his promises.

You have zero autonomy in your own marriage and your own home.

You will have zero autonomy in raising your baby - your experience of motherhood will be stolen from you and dominated by his mother and culture. This has already been decided and he has already told you the plan - this is normal for his culture and totally acceptable for those who agree.

If this is not how you want to live - subjugated and submissive then you need to make plans to move on.

Do this by stealth. Detach in your head. Get emotionally supported outside the relationship with someone you trust. Get lots of legal advice. Get all paperwork together. Get your ducks in a row and somewhere to live. Leave when it’s safe then let him know.

There is nothing to negotiate here. Know that the granny annex and 50% time with his sister will not give you the autonomy and headspace you need for a peaceful home or a satisfying motherhood.

Don't let him gaslight you any further. His actions to date are the evidence of your future.

greengreengrass25 · 23/10/2023 14:05

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 13:50

Thanks so much for your advice.
I spoke to partner today for many hours, who negotiated that they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time. However, I have heard all of this before and the fact I wasnt asked at all is the biggest reason of my upset.

Is their a fil as well?

greengreengrass25 · 23/10/2023 14:06

There (sp)

crumblingschools · 23/10/2023 14:10

How old is MIL?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 14:15

FGS, op, he is still gaslighting you. You would have to be crazy to believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. You will have crushing regret if you stay with this man and get pregnant.

PrimalLass · 23/10/2023 14:16

If you feel like this now then amplify it by a million and that's how you will feel once you have a baby.

LogicVoid · 23/10/2023 14:18

"I spoke to partner today for many hours, who negotiated that they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time."

He either thinks you are stupid, or that once she is living with you then it is job done. Or both. This has misery written all over it.

AndWordsWhen · 23/10/2023 14:20

How can he agree 50% at his sister's house without even talking to her? At the very least you need a 4 way conversation with you 2, Sil and bil before you believe a word of it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/10/2023 14:21

‘Deciding that because someone's cultural values are different to your own, they're bad values, is rubbish.’

But that’s a two street, surely. The OP’s partner and MIL are not respecting her ‘cultural values’ which seem to be more in line with the vast majority of the posts.

Talking continuously in a language which your wife doesn’t speak is not a cultural value, it is a sign of contempt and assumed superiority. I’m not even sure that many other cultures would think this wasn’t rude!

Another vote for legging it, OP.