I dont want to live with my MIL

[Winniejari]

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

The issue isn’t the mil staying with you, I come from a culture where joint family set up is quite normal, and if it’s done properly it’s benefit to everyone, so it isn’t about that. In many cases this can be an oppressive regime which works against the wife and it seems to be the case here, very few people can get the balance right as it seems your husband isn’t even trying as he’s happy with the status quo and that’s the problem, if you know deep down he will pick his mum over you then you need to be wise going forward. It shouldn’t be a case of picking sides but if the mil is a controlling woman with no boundaries then you are going to need your Dh on side. And I repeat you need your name on the deeds of the house, major red flag if you’re not on there.

The baby should you have one will be brought up to their standards and their customs. Their language will be the baby's first language.
Those standards will be the one they had about 40years back. The life of that 'village' has probably moved on by now. MIL will try and recreate how she was brought up.

Do you honestly, hand on heart, believe him OP?

Remember that talk is cheap - it's actions you need to take into account.

Once you are committed, MIL ensconced in your home, you pregnant, child delivered, do you really think he won't go back to the habit he's had for his whole life and defer to his mother, rather than you? 🌹

How will the 50% work? Half a week each? Half a year each? 5 years each then swapping over? This will never happen. You're being lied to yet again. When people show you who they are, believe them. I'd get out now

He will definitely go back on the 50% the instant you have kids. I also wouldn’t be too sure he’ll keep you around once you’ve fulfilled your role of giving his mum some grandchildren.

If you fight with his DM, he’ll side with her and turf you out. You aren’t on the mortgage, it isn’t even clear if you are legally married. This has more red flags than a MayDay parade.

50% of intolerable, oppressive, unacceptable is still

intolerable

oppressive

unacceptable

He’s your partner and not your husband? If so then waste no more time on him and get out of this relationship. His words are meaningless, like someone else said, words are cheap.

Don’t believe him. Don’t have a child with him. Leave.

Are you legally married or is this one of those situations where he gets the cultural benefits of marriage but none of the legal responsibilities?

Why your mum never learnt the language? I'm polish and my ex husband learnt Polish. I did not ask him to do it and he never told me to speak English to the children, he knows is good for them to be bilingual.

The issue here isn't your MIL moving in.

Neither your DH, MIL or wider family adhere to your boundaries.

They will never do so.

Your DH is only going to get worse. Actively excluding you from your own life.

If you stay in this marriage and god forbid have children with this man, you are in for a lifetime of misery.

Look up 'sunken costs fallacy' don't throw any more years down the drain with this awful family. You are a walking uterus there to provide children and look after his mum and visiting family.

Run. Don't walk.

In some cultures this is perfectly normal and can work well if everyone gets on OK. If it's not a culture you're used to, that's a different story. I don't dislike my PIL but I wouldn't live with them, no way, we're adults and my DP and I will run our own home the way we want. It sounds as if you were prepared for this when his DM was elderly and needed help but she and your DH are jumping the gun.
The only way this will work is if you can see clearly how this will all pan out and be happy with it - will you be happy for your MIL to look after your DC, for her to be the third person in your marriage? I think your DH will be very happy with this arrangement but you won't. I'd be having a long hard think about this Op and what you want to do next

It'll be you that looks after his mother in addition to a baby. Cut your losses now.

OP, you don’t want MIL living with you 50% of the time. And you have no way of ensuring she would even keep to that 50%. It may be usual in MIL’s culture, but I don’t know anyone who sacrifices her life to her in-laws like that here. I’m very fond of my MIL but no way would I live with her.

It’s painful, but if you want a normal happy married life with this man you and he have to buy or rent your own home. And if he will not meet your perfectly reasonable needs, you would be better off leaving him.

It wasn't so easy to learn the language in the 1970s. I think we forget how many language resources we have at our fingertips today. And my grandparents spoke a weird mix of Polish, Ukrainian and German. Not so easy to understand!

Also, I think it was a way of my mum distancing herself from my dad's side of the family.

You will live to bitterly regret staying with this awful man and having children if you stay.

He couldn't care less about you.

Get out while you can.

This.

I’d cut your losses now and definitely don’t get pregnant which will make you feel even more stuck.

However, I have heard all of this before

Yes, and I wouldn’t believe a word of it. He’s shown you repeatedly that he doesn’t see you as an equal in your relationship and your wishes don’t matter to him. So, if he agrees to “compromise”, it’s probably just a ploy to keep you on board.

Can you really see this situation improving once you have a baby? You’ll be recovering from the birth, sleep-deprived, and I’m guessing you’ll have less experience in looking after babies than MIL, who will almost certainly overstep your boundaries. Depending on how long you spend on maternity leave, your income could take a big hit, reducing your independence.

It’s great that you have a good job and can live wherever you want. I know it’s much easier said than done, but if I were you, I would cut my losses and look for someone whose life goals are compatible with yours.

1. Your DH saying it will now only be for 50% of the time - he's just trying to pacify you to get you back in line, so he can get what he wants. Any promises he makes will go out of the window as soon as she moves in. You HAVE to assume that if she moves in, it will be permanent and forever.
2. Even if you like your MIL, having someone move in with you, within a couple of years of marriage, and when you have a baby / small children, would be very hard to tolerate. Especially in your situation where it appears that MIL is the nr 1 woman in your DH's life, and so you will feel like a 3rd wheel, like it isn't your home. If she assumes she'll be looking after the baby - how long before she's taking over, making decisions about your child without you being part of it?
3. This is bigger than the issue of MIL moving in - your DH doesn't want your opinion. He doesn't care what you think. He doesn't value your thoughts. He doesn't prioritise your happiness. He makes you feel like an outside in your own home. He thinks he can make all the decisions (along with his mother of course) and you should just fall in line. This shows a very fundamental lack of respect for you and lack of care for your happiness. You just exist to make his life better and happier.

On all counts, please leave him before you have any children. You will, without a doubt, regret it if you stay. And be braced for his false promises to get you back in line. You know you can't trust him. Judge him on how he's treated you in recent months and right now, not how he treats you when he isn't getting his way and needs to get you back under his control.

Just get out. What a weird set up.

I can imagine, from your explanation of their relationship that you will be an incubator, while your mother in law makes all the decisions about your child while you are sidelined.

That is not a position you want to put yourself in.

Talk to your husband and you mother in law and lay it all out. Leave if they don't give you the answers you want from them.

Don't victim blame. OP said no, she wasn't even consulted in the first place and she isn't being listened to now.

Your husband needs to listen to you, after all, you were willing to care for your MIL when she became to old to care for herself.

If you did not agree to her moving in to care for your child, then don't accept this under any circumstances. It will only lead to resentment. Your husband is unreasonable to force this on you. If your MIL needs a hobby, she can find one herself.