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Original poster

I dont want to live with my MIL

173 replies

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 02:22

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 23/10/2023 09:25

OP I think you just need to acknowledge that you’ve married someone who is a poor fit culturally for you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/10/2023 09:26

I'd be moving close to your family and letting your husband enjoy having his mother run his life (pick a better, more compliant wife).

Doopydoo · 23/10/2023 09:34

This is a disaster waiting to happen OP.
I would get out now, you are not top of his list and will never be while his mother is alive. Find someone else who is not led and said by their mother.

MaggieFS · 23/10/2023 09:35

This is a problem compounded by how much it already looks like you are accepting of the decisions being made without out.

This will not stop.
A granny annex is not a good idea.

As a pp said, you are either happy with the status quo, or you get a divorce.

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2023 09:37

How are you expected to get pregnant with your mil snoring in the next room? Yikes. My mil is a lovely person but her presence in my home does not get my juices flowing.

Saschka · 23/10/2023 09:40

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/10/2023 09:26

I'd be moving close to your family and letting your husband enjoy having his mother run his life (pick a better, more compliant wife).

Or somebody who is sharp-tongued enough to keep MIL in check, or somebody who is happy to have MIL in charge of the house, knowing MIL won’t be around forever and it will be her turn next…

This can work fine in many families, the problem is it isn’t working for OP (wouldn’t work for me either, but I know people who are more than happy with that set up as it is basically a live in nanny-housekeeper).

Naunet · 23/10/2023 09:40

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 03:09

Im not pregnant. I have a good job and can live anywhere in the world.
I knew she would move in eventually when shes old and I was more than happy to take care of her as she reaches the end of her life.
But moving in when we are starting a new family is not what I was told. Again, decisions are made without me being even asked.

Why would YOU be the one taking care of her? Is there a misogynistic assumption that even though he was the one to be given the money and make the deal, the little wife is the one who actually does the work?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 23/10/2023 09:45

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 02:56

Run for your fucking life. You've been had, I'm afraid. Your husband knew this was the plan all along, and he thinks he can baby trap you into it. He firmly believes you have no say as to what happenes in your own life.

Run, run, run.

Edited

Second this. They’re trapping you. Get out now.

flippydiflipflop · 23/10/2023 09:48

So much of this depends on the full set of circumstances. How old is your MIL? Where does she live and who with? Could she move in with another relative but be close to your home? What happens if she gets ill or disabled? It sounds like you're being sidelined and your opinion doesn't count! Apart from this how's your marriage?

Lemsipper · 23/10/2023 09:51

You are right to leave and in my opinion, any parent that “arranges” for their children to look after them in old age is selfish and not a good parent

Chickpea17 · 23/10/2023 09:52

Please don't get pregnant. Sound like your marriage is going to end in divorce.

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2023 09:55

Run..

PaminaMozart · 23/10/2023 10:02

Please, please understand the severity of what’s happening. You don’t even share a language and the plan is for her to help raise your baby. It will drive you insane. Cut your losses short and get out, even if he’s going to appear to have a change of heart to make you stay, he will revert to what he strongly wants to do. Let him do it to someone else, escape!

THIS ^

Neither a granny annex nor your husband's promises will stop this from ending in an absolute disaster for you, @Winniejari

Lottapianos · 23/10/2023 10:17

I'm so sorry OP, this is just awful for you. Completely agree with everyone else who said that you are being treated like an irrelevance in your own home. They are making decisions without you, and this would only get worse if a baby came along. She's already the woman of the house and that is not going to change. There is no compromise available here

You cannot live like this. You are lucky that you are an independent woman with her own financial means. Don't even consider staying in this marriage

gotmychristmasmiracle · 23/10/2023 10:20

Oh gosh run and don't look back 🏃‍♀️ I couldn't do any of that sorry x

NOTANUM · 23/10/2023 10:34

To the person who mentioned the challenge of getting Visas for dependent adults, the OP’s salary will count towards it ironically.

Themerrygoround · 23/10/2023 10:43

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 06:07

The granny annex is a good idea, and may help. It would be something I may be open too. As i said she is a nice person.
Pre marriage it was discussed that when she was elderly she would live with us. I agreed. Thinking this is when shes in her 80s and my children would have started their own lives, not so soon.
We have been married one year.
Ive always been a very independent person who enjoys my own space. My family are not close but I am close to them emotionally and miss them alot. I am away from them at this time and find adapting to the culture difficult at times, I know, in my house hold we wouldnt consider to live together until absolutely nesscessary.
The part which i find the most difficult to handle is that things are decided about the home without being asked or discussed. I find this disrespectful and i told my partner this doesnt feel like my home and i know when i have a child it will feel alot worse.

@Winniejari OP “when” you have a child ?
Ypu plan to stay her being controlled abs dos respected with no voice ?
You have been given loads of advice please take it .
Take your finances and go . There will be someone more suited to you who cares if your needs and wants too.
Cultural is no excuse for this behaviour . It may be the reason why bit that’s reason should not be acceptable to you .

The granny Amex may be acceptable ale too you but it won’t be to your husband or his mother .
It’s there home not yours . (I’m there eyes )

You should leave

wineandmaltesershappyme · 23/10/2023 10:43

I'm sorry OP but honestly i would leave, regardless of your feelings he'll move her in, even if you had a granny anex, it seems like you'll just be the carrier of the baby and she'll take over once it's born, you won't get much of a look in with your own child and he won't have your back to stop it.

forgotname · 23/10/2023 10:53

No way.

Are there no other siblings?
You'll end up being treated like her child too. You'll have no say in your home as you can't be seen to disrespect MIL wants/needs

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 23/10/2023 10:55

Don't forget that your DH changes personality when his Mum is there, and you don't like the other personality. When she is always there, he will always be the other personality and not the man you married.

I had/have a similar thing with my DH (Indian origin), he is very obedient to his DM and would never disagree with her even if she's wrong. I am also not allowed to disagree with her and he used to get very cross with me in private about it, even though she herself didn't seem offended if I have a different opinion and I get along quite well with her. I didn't meet his parents before we got married and tbh if I had seen him interacting with his DM before it probably would have given me the ick and we might not have ever married. As it is we are thousands of miles away from her and so only see her occasionally for short periods and there has never been the slightest suggestion that she live with us so all is well. The marriage would not have survived long with her permanently in the household, and especially not with small DC in the mix.

Littlefish · 23/10/2023 11:04

You've been married for 1 year only.

You already bicker whenever your mother in law comes round.

Issues with your mother in law are causing unhappiness for you, in your marriage.

Your husband ignores your wishes.

Your husband makes major, life altering decisions without consulting you, discussing them with you or considering you.

Your mother in law holds a position of higher importance to your husband than you do.

Your mother in law WILL move in and there is nothing you can do to stop this happening. Your husband has made this very clear to you.

This will NEVER improve. It will only get worse.

Leave this marriage now and find someone who more closely matches your cultural profile and family ideals.

Do not have children with this man.

Cammac · 23/10/2023 11:08

Stick to your guns on this OP. I had the misfortune of having to spend 15 months living with in laws. I had an 18 month old and our house needed sudden major structural work.

MIL offered us to stay with her which I thought was a kind gesture. We had a good relationship and she doted on dd. Originally it was for 2 months. And the work just rumbled on.

I can honestly say it was the most stressful time of my life! My mental health suffered. And yes my DH reverted to a little boy around his mother too.

Eventually, we moved back into our home. The damage had been done. I saw DH as a completely different man to the man I thought I had married. We divorced within 3 years.

All I can suggest is you sit DH down. Give him the choice

  • His mother moves in and you move out
  • He forgets this ridiculous idea and you stay together and continue with your plans to create a family

If he’s adamant that his mum moves in, run for the hills now!

PrimalLass · 23/10/2023 11:11

Run

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 11:34

I'm very sorry but I think you made a mistake marrying him in the first place. These sort of cultural differences need to be highlighted and understood BEFORE you even get married. And if they don't work for you, you should walk away.

I think the fact that you are not allowed an opinion or even a vote on what happens in your house, or how your (future) baby will be cared for, is a massive red flag. I imagine that for them, it's just so obvious that they do not understand why you are unhappy. But you are. And so you probably do need to leave. I am sorry.

angsanana · 23/10/2023 11:40

You're right. Well done for anticipating the issue before it arises (well her living with you). It would be unbearable from what you've described, but also with no set dates when does "when she gets old" start. Can you pay her back?

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