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Original poster

I dont want to live with my MIL

173 replies

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 02:22

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

OP posts:
Haze193 · 23/10/2023 14:23

LogicVoid · 23/10/2023 14:18

"I spoke to partner today for many hours, who negotiated that they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time."

He either thinks you are stupid, or that once she is living with you then it is job done. Or both. This has misery written all over it.

Exactly. It is not going to change. You either accept this life and not complain or leave. There are no negotiations. You are not even consulted on decisions. This is what he wants- he wants his mother there. The situation seems miserable for you so, please don’t bring an innocent child into this mess thinking, things will change. I know someone who was initially told that they will live with in laws for 2 years after marriage, then this turned to 5 years and now she has a baby and they are not going anywhere.

flippydiflipflop · 23/10/2023 14:24

they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time

Presuming this daughter lives nearby, why can't MIL live there 100% of the time and just visit you? How would 50% work especially if you have a baby MIL wants to take over? I'd consider all that empty promises and manipulation.

ThereIbledit · 23/10/2023 14:24

NOPE NOPE NOPE don't bring a child into this situation.

Like shit will she live elsewhere for 50% of the time. He's only saying that to keep you quiet.

RockGirl · 23/10/2023 14:25

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!

You will end up with another woman in your home who will be above you in the hierarchy. They will overrule you when it comes to decisions about the house and even worse, about your own children. Your husband will support her and pick her over you.

You will also likely have to take on all her care in her advancing years.

You have only been married a year, cut your losses and leave. Culture trumps everything and it will trump you, your choices, and your independence.

cornflower21 · 23/10/2023 14:26

😳do t do it.

Mix56 · 23/10/2023 14:27

As above, and they will speak in their language to the child & you will once again be the misfit.
This is NOT going to end well.
Cut your losses now.

Maxiedog123 · 23/10/2023 14:27

You refer to him as your partner. Are you legally married, if not are you on the housedeeds etc, as he doesn't sound like he considers you an equal .

frenchfries111 · 23/10/2023 14:28

Negotiated 50%, so generous.

If you don’t want her living with you then she shouldn’t be living with you. There’s no negotiation. He’s not on your side.

id go see a solicitor.

annonymousse · 23/10/2023 14:28

Please do not have a baby with this man. Once you're pregnant he will do as he pleases and you will be trapped. Look at the history to see your future.

StuckintheUSA · 23/10/2023 14:32

Mix56 · 23/10/2023 14:27

As above, and they will speak in their language to the child & you will once again be the misfit.
This is NOT going to end well.
Cut your losses now.

Yes. This happened to my mum. We could all speak my grandparents' language, but she could only understand bits and pieces, mostly when they were talking about her. She felt very isolated and unhappy. At least learn the language if you decide to stay with your DH, otherwise you'll be sidelined.

ChristyBurlington · 23/10/2023 14:34

For me this goes beyond the MIL issue. Fundamentally it does not sound like your partner sees you as an equal partner and decision maker in your relationship, and this will become more acute if you get married and certainly if you get pregnant and have a child.

You are finding this a difficult situation to navigate now when you're in a position of relative power (as you say you have a good job and options etc.). What happens when you are in a position of vulnerability? Will you trust your partner to put your needs and interests first? Will you be the priority? Or will that become the perfect opportunity for him to do whatever he (and his mum) want to do?

Pinkpinkplonk · 23/10/2023 14:39

I agree with @ChristyBurlington , your problem isn’t your MIL. It’s the fact that you aren’t respected as a parter ( never mind an equal one!) If you have a child with this man, and within this family, you will end up vulnerable with no say in anything whatsoever. No man is worth giving up your independence for.

Gloriously · 23/10/2023 14:44

Make sure your contraception is 100%.

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2023 14:50

Well I 100% wouldn't be having a baby with this man. For a start he doesn't respect you at all! You're not an equal to him, you're a baby machine.
I'd be outta there and back to my family.

Yeahno · 23/10/2023 14:58

Don't kid yourself. If Its like this now, what do you think would happen when they think you have been trapped by kids. 50% then 75% then 100%. Any mention of "I'm tried, you get up with the kids or pull your weight" will be met with " my mum can do it, let my mum come..." and on and on.

strawberry2017 · 23/10/2023 15:00

Get out now. You will never have a say, you will never have choices and once you have kids you will never get to be the mother you want to be.
Run now and don't look back.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/10/2023 15:08

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2023 04:52

I would not want to live with an in law. Your mil has too much claim and power over your dh. This will extend to any future children. You’ll be probably be ganged up on and bullied by them by the sound of it. Women are much more vulnerable after having had kids.

This. Don’t have a baby with this man, the baby wouldn’t be ‘yours ‘ it would be ‘theirs’. Two against one. She’ll take over. This was always the plan, he’s already told you she’s moving in in two years time.
She’s lovely to you now, however that could all change when she’s in. The house will always be his and his mothers house.

OriginalUsername2 · 23/10/2023 15:09

Run for the hills. You’re predictions are spot on.

neilyoungismyhero · 23/10/2023 15:18

Your husband accepted the house deposit in return for looking after his mum when she/they felt it to be necessary. Nothing wrong with that but I'm guessing you thought it would be years in the future whereas they're happy with the here and now with a view to bringing up your baby in the next couple of years. The arrangement would suit some people I guess but the chatting together in their own language will isolate you from them and very likely your child who will doubtless be taught a second language first.
I couldn't be doing with it, get out now while you have no real ties.

greyhairnomore · 23/10/2023 15:30

I'd strongly advise you not to have kids and to leave. This will never change.
Are you in the UK ? Will she get a visa to live where you are ?

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/10/2023 15:49

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 13:50

Thanks so much for your advice.
I spoke to partner today for many hours, who negotiated that they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time. However, I have heard all of this before and the fact I wasnt asked at all is the biggest reason of my upset.

If you believe this you'll believe anything. It won't happen even if it does it won't be permanent as soon as you have that baby you'll be brood mare / housekeeper..

Fascinated to know what he had to say about children and childcare...

HoldOnMiGenna · 23/10/2023 16:10

Jesus Christ OP, there is always a bright side to a situation and yours is that you haven't got any children with this man frame that you generously call a partner.
It's not as if you haven't copped onto the reality of your situation. You haven't got a partner. His partner is his mother. You are third place on this relationship triangle and you are only a vessel for child production , sex, housework and eventually old age arsewiping.
This person negotiated with his mother for her to burden her daughter with her presence fifty percent of the time and presented this to you as a fair accompli as if he was doing God's Work .

There is absolutely no reason for you to write another comment other "I have left". This situation is bigger than you and "cultural" and you will not either win or be happy.
So stop being a martyr, cut your losses and leave without telling your "partner" beforehand and send him the divorce petition as a legal fait accompli .
Don't be coming on Mumsnet in three years time, two children and one mother in law and a husband who has ramped up his disregard for you saying " I should have taken the overwhelming advice.....what should I do now?"
"Prevention is better than cure" is a millennia long valid parable for a reason.
Sorry to be harsh. However, women going ten toes in to countenance avoidable stress on behalf of that seemingly beguiling combination of "hope" and worthless men cheeses me right off!

Nannylovesshopping · 23/10/2023 16:17

Run for the hills, they have your life planned out, this is not the life you want, go girl now!!

PaminaMozart · 23/10/2023 16:58

I was just going to say what @HoldOnMiGenna said above.

Sadly, I fear this will come to pass. In 2 or 3 years time, @Winniejari will be back here, probably under a different name because she will be so embarrassed and upset that she did not take everyone's advice.

By then she'll be really, totally and irrevocably trapped, with no say whatsoever over her own life, let alone her children's. MIL will rule the roost and family life will be in another language that the OP barely understands. She may have given up paid employment and have no funds of her own.

And we still don't know whether she lives in her home country, or whether she'd be trapped, unable to take her babies back with her, because her husand and his mum would never relinquish custody.

Myneedycat · 23/10/2023 17:04

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 13:50

Thanks so much for your advice.
I spoke to partner today for many hours, who negotiated that they will be able to stay at their other daughters home 50% of the time. However, I have heard all of this before and the fact I wasnt asked at all is the biggest reason of my upset.

Don’t listen to this. He’s just trying to keep you onboard . Jump ship before it’s too late.

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