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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont want to live with my MIL

173 replies

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 02:22

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 05:20

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2023 04:52

I would not want to live with an in law. Your mil has too much claim and power over your dh. This will extend to any future children. You’ll be probably be ganged up on and bullied by them by the sound of it. Women are much more vulnerable after having had kids.

No all women, the mil for example

Fernandosseat514 · 23/10/2023 05:25

Yazzi · 23/10/2023 04:11

@hoobanoobie for many, many people in the world, your parents (even as adults) are your "proper family". And caring for them does not make you a "coward".

Deciding that because someone's cultural values are different to your own, they're bad values, is rubbish.

I agree with this BUT:

  • the dh should have been absolutely open and clear about what was going to happen BEFORE marriage so this did not come as a surprise to op and she had some say on the decision
  • what about the wife’s parents? Why aren’t they allowed to move in? Why is it always the dh’s family that takes precedence?
Original poster
Winniejari · 23/10/2023 05:26

Thanks everyone.
Its definitely a cultural thing, but I wasnt even asked or consulted which is the most difficult thing to handle.
The whole reason this came up is because she booked her travel to our home and discussed it with him but I was not even told. He then went on to say 'my mother will come and live here 100% of the time in two years or so anyway'.
This has happened so many times, people enter my home and im not even consulted or given the autonomy to say 'no, not at this time', something my partner is unwilling to understand. I have discussed it with all the family that they need to ask before they visit and this has been ignored so often.
I know when I have a baby I will be very protective and want to do things my own way. I cant handle being told what to do and when. Often, with some topics, I am bullied into their way of thinking. It makes me feel like Im really difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 05:26

Fernandosseat514 · 23/10/2023 05:25

I agree with this BUT:

  • the dh should have been absolutely open and clear about what was going to happen BEFORE marriage so this did not come as a surprise to op and she had some say on the decision
  • what about the wife’s parents? Why aren’t they allowed to move in? Why is it always the dh’s family that takes precedence?
Show quote history

Because women don't learn to say no

Yazzi · 23/10/2023 05:34

@Fernandosseat514

In my case, my parents both have partners (post divorce), while my husband's mother is a widow. However we have agreed that if my parents are ever similarly vulnerable, we (or with my siblings) would try to ensure similar arrangements for them.

Though I agree with you that there's sometimes an element of patriarchy too.

I also agree with your second point about it being discussed pre marriage. But I think with intercultural marriage these issues often arise because things are assumed as obvious by both sides. Eg here, the wife assumes it is obvious she would not want the MIL to move in until she's elderly (or says she is open to it happening when she's elderly). While the husband assumes that the MIL will definitely be moved in when she's elderly, and possibly before that if she wants. Again both sides seem so self evident that neither think they need discussing. I know a fair few people in inter cultural marriages and situations like this arise fairly regularly. Another common one is about sending money home to family in worse situations back home- often it doesn't come up til after marriage and it's a nasty shock to both people to discover they feel differently about it.

OP please do not think I am judging you, and if your husband lied to you or actively misled you then that's awful. I do not think you are in the wrong, and I wish you all the best with whichever path you choose from here. How very unfair to find yourself here.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/10/2023 05:39

I'm assuming you moved into his house which he bought with a deposit from her?

All this needed to have been discussed upfront and it was wrong of him to marry you without fully disclosing his long term plans and intentions.
In your shoes I would be doubling up on contraception and thinking about what you want as your DH has been clear it's happening whatever you want.

Personally I couldn't live like this. It would END my marriage and I am about to give birth to my 2nd child!!!! It sounds like she's in her 60s or early 70s so you are talking decades you could be retired and she is still there..
You really need to think about that. It's literally your whole life.

If you absolutely love your DH and your life together and can sort out moving to a house with a granny annex it could maybe work? <She said hopefully>

How long have you been married?

Original poster
Winniejari · 23/10/2023 06:07

The granny annex is a good idea, and may help. It would be something I may be open too. As i said she is a nice person.
Pre marriage it was discussed that when she was elderly she would live with us. I agreed. Thinking this is when shes in her 80s and my children would have started their own lives, not so soon.
We have been married one year.
Ive always been a very independent person who enjoys my own space. My family are not close but I am close to them emotionally and miss them alot. I am away from them at this time and find adapting to the culture difficult at times, I know, in my house hold we wouldnt consider to live together until absolutely nesscessary.
The part which i find the most difficult to handle is that things are decided about the home without being asked or discussed. I find this disrespectful and i told my partner this doesnt feel like my home and i know when i have a child it will feel alot worse.

OP posts:
JerkintheMerkin · 23/10/2023 06:19

Two queens can't sit on one throne and it is already occupied by your MIL. Your DH will always put you secondary to his mother and it has already started. Having a child in this situation will trap you forever. Your thoughts and feelings on all matters are already being disregarded. This will not end well for you if you stay.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/10/2023 06:19

I think you need to be really clear and get on the same page with your DH.

Granny annex is cool and all... But when she expects to raise your child and you have to beg to hold or feed your 18m old and if you express anything other than joy at the situation you are gaslit and silenced because "it's our culture"?

Granny annex may help but it's one piece of a bigger puzzle.

I also agree with 2 queens one throne as corny as it is. I also know several people who bucked "cultural" norms and prioritse their wives not mother's.

If you make a compromise and she moves in you are accepting your position in the family is below both her and your husband. Your opinions, thoughts and happiness will be of no importance

ChaToilLeam · 23/10/2023 06:29

It’s the presentation of this as a fait accompli and the total lack of input from your side, OP. Do you not have the right to a say about who comes to live in your house? This man is going to defer to his mother in all things and expects you to defer to them both.

This won’t improve. I’d divorce.

NorthCliffs · 23/10/2023 06:33

Leave leave leave. You have two options - the life you want and the life you have. Don't end up bitter because you went along with this. You are worldly, caring and self-sufficient. You have one life. How do you want it to be?

Meadowfly · 23/10/2023 06:33

A granny annex won’t help you, I don’t think. She’s not going to stay in it on her own - she’d be with your dc in your house apart from sleeping. Are you living in a country that isn’t yours? I think you should leave him and come home 💐, it all sounds awful. Hope you get some plans in place soo .

SunRainStorm · 23/10/2023 06:33

You need to extract yourself from this house, this weird financial 'gift', and likely the man as well.

Do not get pregnant.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/10/2023 06:41

I don't understand your issue.

You knew she was eventually going to move in. That was the deal. Your DP took the money and in exchange she gets to move in.

Do you expect your DO to renege on his promise to his mum?

Presumably you were happy about it as you agreed to move in with him in full knowledge of this?

But if you've changed your mind then yes, you should move out and end the relationship.

Azandme · 23/10/2023 06:53

You've said she's booked her travel for her next trip, and you've previously said she stays for weeks?

Does she live overseas? If so, are they planning for her to move to the UK?

If that's the case then unless she already has ILR you might not have an issue. It is incredibly difficult to obtain a UK visa for dependent parents to come live in the UK.

They are rarely granted.

AgentJohnson · 23/10/2023 06:53

The granny annex is a good idea.

Er, no it’s not. Your main problem is that your H doesn’t consider your input worthy of consideration. It doesn’t matter where his bloody mother lives he doesn’t respect you. If you think it’s lonely now, it will be even lonelier if you have a child with this man because his mother’s opinion will count and yours won’t.

Im sorry this is happening but unless your H has a major personality change, him not treating you like a partner, let alone an equal one, will not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2023 06:56

Are you also married according to English civil law?. For example a registry office ceremony?.

Divorce this man before you further become a passenger in your life rather than an active participant in your own life. Your job too can take you anywhere in the world so go!.

Neither his mother nor your H are nice people, she has got her son on a tight lead and their relationship is an enmeshed one. They converse in a different language toand one you do not fully understand to make decisions re your home. You are the third wheel in there relationship. I assume he got married only to maintain a degree of respectability within the community. I am not at all surprised he accepted her money as he’s always been told and otherwise conditioned by her to put her first. Both would have behaved exactly the same regardless of whom he married.

Olika · 23/10/2023 07:00

Your biggest problem is your husband. He doesn't care about your opinions and doesn't see you as an equal partner. You are just a lodger in that house. And it will get worse when your MIL is there all the time and interferes in raising your child and your H taking her side/teaming with her instead of you. Is this the life you want?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2023 07:00

And the granny annex is a shit idea because you’ll also end up in there. Neither his mother or he respects you, in their heads you’re supposed to put up and shut up.

I urge you to leave and use any and all assistance you need to do so. At the very least start to plan your exit now.

Luckydog7 · 23/10/2023 07:05

All this needs to be resolved before you have a child. It sounds like you are living abroad with your dh? Having a child means you will be stuck there as most countries have laws preventing (and even forcing return of) children leaving/moving countries without consent from both parents.

By the sounds of it your main problem is the complete disrespect by you from your husband who is not listening to your opinions over his mother's/his. This will only get worse once she moves in. The primary relationship with dh and his mother with you as an accessory/convenient incubator. Side lined in your own life.

You are independent and can go anywhere! You don't say how old you are but even if this is your only chance for a family would you want it to trap you in this situation? Would you resent any child who started proffering your mil over you because she became primary care giver. Would you like your child joining your mil and dh in their conversations that you can't be apart of? If dh is excluding you now then they can do the same with any child.

ohdamnitjanet · 23/10/2023 07:05

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 03:09

Im not pregnant. I have a good job and can live anywhere in the world.
I knew she would move in eventually when shes old and I was more than happy to take care of her as she reaches the end of her life.
But moving in when we are starting a new family is not what I was told. Again, decisions are made without me being even asked.

This will never ever make you happy. You could be living with her for 30 years. And guess who’ll be looking after her? Not her son. It’s also very disrespectful of them both to converse together in a language you don’t understand.

ttcat37 · 23/10/2023 07:09

Do not have children with this man! You will always come second to him and his mother, all autonomy over how your child is raised will be taken away from you. Run for the hills woman!
In two years you could be happily married to a nice man who isn’t dictated to you by his mother.

androidnotapple · 23/10/2023 07:09

Leave and be glad you found this out before you got pregnant

Notmytotoro · 23/10/2023 07:13

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 05:26

Thanks everyone.
Its definitely a cultural thing, but I wasnt even asked or consulted which is the most difficult thing to handle.
The whole reason this came up is because she booked her travel to our home and discussed it with him but I was not even told. He then went on to say 'my mother will come and live here 100% of the time in two years or so anyway'.
This has happened so many times, people enter my home and im not even consulted or given the autonomy to say 'no, not at this time', something my partner is unwilling to understand. I have discussed it with all the family that they need to ask before they visit and this has been ignored so often.
I know when I have a baby I will be very protective and want to do things my own way. I cant handle being told what to do and when. Often, with some topics, I am bullied into their way of thinking. It makes me feel like Im really difficult to deal with.

Is your DH asian? I think in some cultures looking after the parents when they are older is very common. For them might be very obvious and your DH might not understand your opinion. Will DH being ok with your Mum living with you?
I don't understand why the rush of MIL moving with you. Could be your husban's idea to save in childcare?
I would break up before having a child or going to couple's therapy when you both will learn to understand each other.

Myneedycat · 23/10/2023 07:19

Honestly you need to get out now. On no account have a child with this man. Once you have a child you will be trapped with no way out. You’ll be utterly miserable. Please please, get out now.