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Original poster

I dont want to live with my MIL

173 replies

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 02:22

My partner and I have been together for five years and we live in a house which we both pay for. We are married, no kids.
My mother in law gave a large gift to my partner to help pay for the house - something that happened before we got together. I would never agree to something like this. As she gave this money, it was agreed that when she gets old, my partner will look after her.
My MIL comes to our home often, usually for weeks at a time. When she is here, she is kind and helps me around the house and I do like her. She has her way and sees this as her home...I know this sounds strange but my partner reverts back to being a child when shes here and we always bicker. I feel like its not my home, its her and often my boundaries (like asking if someone can come over or house decoration) is often ignored. They speak in another language and make decisions all in another language which I can only slightly understand. It makes me feel really lonely.
I plan on having a child soon...my partner has just told me in the next two years, our MIL will move into the home full time. As she will want to take care of our baby.
I really dont want this, I want to have a child with my partner and bond closely as a family. I know living with my MIL will make me feel unhappy.
Last night, I told my partner I am very uncomfortable about having this situation and having this 'montery gift' is making us in this position.
My partner did not want to compromise and said she has to move in.
Part of me feels that I should leave my partner is this is the case, I married him, not his mother.

OP posts:
Tempnamechng · 23/10/2023 07:22

I'm sorry if this is offending anyone, as that isn't my intention, but this all sounds as though it will become very Handmaid's Tale; this isn't your home and won't be your baby, it'll all be hers. You already said you aren't consulted on visitors or anything to do with the house, and I doubt very much that your dh is the one changing beds, cleaning and cooking for visitors. Don't be the servant in this home when you could be queen in another.

AluckyEllie · 23/10/2023 07:26

Leave him. Decisions will continue to be made without you and the problem is that he thinks that’s okay. He will always side with his mother. You will be expected to do the care if she needs it.
You are sensible to be thinking of leaving before you have kids, go and live with someone who treats you as an equal.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 23/10/2023 07:29

Be thankful you’ve had a premonition of what the rest of your life will look like while there’s still the option to walk away.

Once she’s moved in and you’ve had a baby you’ll be trapped in a situation where your home isn’t your own, your child is effectively parented by another woman and the people you live with exclude you from both conversation and decision making.

This way of living may work for some but it doesn’t sound like it’s going to work for you, OP. You want a different kind of life from your DH, and it’s fairer to both of you to split and disentangle yourselves financially before it’s too late.

SheilaFentiman · 23/10/2023 07:32

“Your main problem is that your H doesn’t consider your input worthy of consideration. It doesn’t matter where his bloody mother lives he doesn’t respect you”

Exactly this. It would be the same if he had any visitors for weeks without checking in ahead, or if he hired a nanny or repainted the house orange without talking to you… he basically does not feel you are equal to him and get to have a say in your joint house or about your joint child.

frenchfries111 · 23/10/2023 07:34

A granny flat won’t help, she’ll be there every day still. She will just have somewhere else to sleep.

I think even if he agrees with you he will try and move her in by stealth when a baby arrives anyway. She’ll come for a visit and never leave.

Does she have the right visa to be here? I think that’s the thing you need to find out. If she doesn’t, then you are safe. Otherwise you are screwed.

Raindancer411 · 23/10/2023 07:34

Winniejari · 23/10/2023 06:07

The granny annex is a good idea, and may help. It would be something I may be open too. As i said she is a nice person.
Pre marriage it was discussed that when she was elderly she would live with us. I agreed. Thinking this is when shes in her 80s and my children would have started their own lives, not so soon.
We have been married one year.
Ive always been a very independent person who enjoys my own space. My family are not close but I am close to them emotionally and miss them alot. I am away from them at this time and find adapting to the culture difficult at times, I know, in my house hold we wouldnt consider to live together until absolutely nesscessary.
The part which i find the most difficult to handle is that things are decided about the home without being asked or discussed. I find this disrespectful and i told my partner this doesnt feel like my home and i know when i have a child it will feel alot worse.

Your last bit of that I think is you actually knowing what you need to do, as you already know it's going to get worse.

You have only been married a year, and I would be separating for a lot do these reasons you have said. You will lose all control over the house and even your child(ten). For now it is a lot more simpler to move on than with the future child(ten) as you will have no say over what they are told or how they are treated when out of your care at their dad's.

BMrs · 23/10/2023 07:40

Oh god, run for the hills. I have an overpowering mother in law from
Another culture but thankfully have an understanding husband.

When we bought our last home she asked if she could move in and I said no. She's very difficult and quite frankly our marriage wouldn't survive it. She also comes and stays (without asking) and acts like she owns the place.

When I had my children she retired and offered to have them while I worked which we agreed. I work two days but she was pushing for me to go back full time. I have to be careful around boundaries but she is great with the DC.

If she had her way she would be living here full time and having the kids full time!

CrunchyCarrot · 23/10/2023 07:41

I'm sorry OP, this situation will result in you being the very bottom of the pecking order in your own home, which in turn will result in stress and likely arguments. Plus, it does sound like your DH would side with his mother over issues too. If he won't reconsider then I'm afraid your options are limited.

Azerothi · 23/10/2023 07:45

If you hadn't wanted a baby then I would say you deserve all that is coming to you as you presumably knew your husband before you got married. However, it doesn't seem like he told you he wanted to move mummy in to care for your baby and push you out.

Personally, I think your mother in law is being spiteful talking to your husband in her own language and deliberately leaving you out (you haven't mentioned she doesn't speak English before someone jumps on me) and if she moves in this will get you in a whole world of pain. Stay if you must but never have a baby with this man and woman.

As an aside and for comparison my mother in law's first language is Welsh as is my husband's. I don't speak Welsh and don't want to learn another language, they have never, ever spoken near me in Welsh. That is how people are in society as decent human beings.

TiredMamOfTwo · 23/10/2023 07:46

I wouldn't have a child with him, I'd be filing for divorce.

Saschka · 23/10/2023 07:48

You clearly have very different expectations about starting a family - you want a standard UK set up (nuclear family, GPs visit), he wants his DM to move in and do all the childcare/housekeeping. She will be primary caregiver to the children, you’ll be out working. They will grow up also fluent in this language that you do not speak, causing a further barrier. Your DH will revert to acting like a child with her (as you have seen), and she’ll expect to rule the roost as matriarch (as you have also already seen).

He isn’t wrong to want this (depending on where he is from originally, this may be an entirely standard expectation). But you two are obviously on totally different pages about this. I would not have children in this situation, sorry. If you split up, it is highly likely he will get more than 50% custody as he will have the house and 24/7 childcare.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 23/10/2023 07:50

I would speak to a solicitor without telling him asap. Get all your ducks in a row before making any moves.

happyduckk · 23/10/2023 08:03

Leave now. He won't change his mind.
Your boundaries will be crossed at every stage of this relationship.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 23/10/2023 08:13

Don't have a child with this man, op. Id leave personally while you can completely cut ties. Your goals and vision of your futures don't match

LookItsMeAgain · 23/10/2023 08:15

Do not have any children with this man until you get this issue resolved to your satisfaction.

I quite like the quote that someone up thread posted "Two queens cannot sit on the one throne and it's already occupied by your Mil"

That is so true.

I really really don't think that a man who just makes statements and sweeping generalisations of what his wife will be doing is the type of man that I would consider having children with. He sees you as chattel and not as a person with their own thoughts, hopes, dreams, expectations from life. None of that. Life with this man WILL get very tough very quickly.

I would cut my losses and run at this stage.

Worddance · 23/10/2023 08:18

I'm sorry but you need to not have a baby with this man.

Quartz2208 · 23/10/2023 08:18

The wife your husband wants and the women you want to be are not the same person. He can’t love the person you are as he doesn’t respect or listen to her at all. If you stay that woman will disappear. There will be no compromise

PumkinPetra · 23/10/2023 08:26

This will only get worse. Get out whilst you can and do not have children with him. Them talking in a different language in front of you, that they know you cannot understand is very rude. They are talking about you. Leave him with his mummy

twilightcafe · 23/10/2023 08:33

You've been warned. MIL will move in. You'll have to lump it.

This relationship has reached the end. Do not have a baby with him. You'll be trapped.

TolkiensFallow · 23/10/2023 08:33

Just leave now. This won’t change. You’ll be miserable.

MintJulia · 23/10/2023 08:35

'Two queens can't sit on one throne and it is already occupied by your MIL. Your DH will always put you secondary to his mother and it has already started.'

This.

It's sad but you need to get out now. When she moves in permanently, the household language will be her language. All decisions will be taken by her. She has already said she intends to take over raising your children. You will be reduced to the role of brood mare and domestic help. An irrelevance in your own home.

Unless you are willing to be unhappy for the rest of your life, you need to divorce and walk away. You deserve much better. Good luck.

LogicVoid · 23/10/2023 08:50

You've only been married a year and your husband has grossly misled you. Your MiL moving in sooner rather than later will always have been the plan. Your future expectations, and his, are far apart.

In a way, he has done you a favour. Imagine if you were already pregnant. At least you have had a big red warning about how it will be.

Consider your options and act.

Todaysproblem · 23/10/2023 09:18

I am married with kids and my MIL mentioned a few times how much she would like to move in with us. I told my husband I would separate and move out instantly if that happens. It’s more of a deal breaker for me than cheating. Please, please understand the severity of what’s happening. You don’t even share a language and the plan is for her to help raise your baby. It will drive you insane. Cut your losses short and get out, even if he’s going to appear to have a change of heart to make you stay, he will revert to what he strongly wants to do. Let him do it to someone else, escape!

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/10/2023 09:22

No way would I put up with this.

It sounds like you're on the slippery slope to being a convenient producer of grandchildren and you won't be making the decisions about how they are bought up. Is this what you want?

ShatteredPeace · 23/10/2023 09:24

The granny annex will not stop her imposing on you if you have a child. Be very wary. It sounds very much like the mum will always take priority for your husband.