Would you forgive a long term affair ?

[Feelinfedup]

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

Your h couldn't have made it clearer that he thinks cheating is a acceptable/not a big deal for married men (as long as they don't intend to leave, it's only for sex with another woman, and they're "good" (lol) husbands in other ways).

I have a feeling he wouldn't see the reverse as true though .... That you having sex with another man behind his back, as long as you were still a "good" wive in other ways; is acceptable/no big deal.

When someone has values and double standards like that, they don't really change.

Makes me wonder how a person who thinks and acts like that hasn't cheater before now (or has he not been caught)?

You just have to do what's best for you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Do you have family or a friend you can confide in?
Whatever you decide to do, do it for you.
Things like this can put us in a spin and we can't think straight, you're right it turns your world upside down.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here would do. This is your life not theirs. Look at surviving infidelity. It's a more balanced forum for this kind of thing. First thing is you need to work on your and your healing. This is not for you to "fix". You didn't break it. He should be working on him and finding out the root cause of his selfish reckless behaviour. Then and only then can you even consider reconciliation if that is what you want. Once you are healed walking away won't seem to scary and then it becomes a choice to stay or leave rather than what feels like a necessity due to 35 years married

You’re right, @GilberMarkham. This man places no value in his being monogamous.

@Feelinfedup, he wanted to have and eat cake, and he didn’t mind tricking you and risking your health to do that. After Dday 1, he trivialized your pain and continued cheating. After Dday 2, he downplayed his 6 year treachery, and essentially told you to swallow your pain and stop making a big deal of it.

He sounds narcissistic: his wants/needs are primary; no respect for your feelings or boundaries; complete lack of empathy or remorse.

Knowledge is power and you’ve started building a position of strength. You’re no longer completely in the dark, and you realize that trust cannot be restored due to his profound betrayal, his current lack of remorse and transparency, and his under-investment in working to help you heal. He actually had the gall to mock your feeling heartbroken.

My next steps would be to consult a solicitor about your legal and financial options, and to access IC to gain support and clarity. I also agree that checking out the survivinginfidelity site is an excellent idea.

Has he experienced any consequences, @Feelinfedup? Would it help you to send him away while you process all this?

I asked him when i first found out would he go to councelling but he refused saying " all they'll do is judge me" I don't think I'd go with him now as i dont see remorse maybe little bits but certainly not enough . I know he is still friends with her on social media after i asked him to block her . I know he was never going to leave me for her and could stay and turn a blind eye but wouldn't i be wasting my life on someone who doesn't truly love me .. Or can they truly love you and cheat ? I honestly don't think i can live my life questioning all his behaviours .I'm really sad over the whole suitation and breaking up the family

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you, the shock and trauma is enormous. Tell people, get a loving support group around you, you deserve so much better. You have made the right decision here.
He has no remorse.
He shows no empathy.
He cheapens the word ‘love’ each time he uses it.
He has been a complete fool to have such a lovely wife and family and take them completely for granted.
He has no concept of accountability or responsibility.
His selfishness is off the chart.
I believe in reconciliation, but had my husband shown no remorse and told me I should be grateful for the nice life I had and to forget it and move on that would have been it.
All the stuff he is trotting out to you reeks of the way he has justified his appalling treatment of you and his family in his own head. “I provide a nice life for everyone” “What people don’t know won’t hurt them.” “It was just sex”
He’s lied for so long to everyone even he can’t hear how completely ludicrous he sounds.
After so many years together it’s a terrible shock, as if the man you thought he was has been abducted by aliens replaced with this, whatever he is…..I’d hesitate to call him a man. It is totally blindsiding.
You and your children are the priority now. He has just lost everything he ever had of any worth and it’s all his own fault.
See a solicitor, gather up important paperwork and financial information, and protect yourself at all costs, he is still behaving appallingly and I wouldn’t put anything past a man like this.
I hope you can get some sleep and try to eat/ drink enough, take care of your physical and mental health now and do not underestimate the toll this takes on you, the feelings come in like tidal waves and one minute you feel angry and strong, the next minute you feel bereft and afraid, it’s a roller coaster. So when the bad feelings threaten to overwhelm you, remember who you are. Remember your worth, your achievements and moral integrity and know that in even the midst of the turmoil, strength will come. In time you will look back at this and you won’t know where your strength came from or how you did it, but do it you will, it’s there OP, your steely strength, even when you don’t feel it. It’s always there. Sending love. X

So he won't even go to counselling with you? Because he's scared of "being judged"? How ridiculous, of course he wouldn't be judged, the whole point of counselling is that the counsellor is an impartial mediator. Yes it might be uncomfortable for him to face his actions and witness your hurt, but this is something he needs to do if he wants to move forward with you.
If he really wanted to move past this and felt real remorse he would be doing anything he could to fix your marriage and earn back your trust.

I think you need to visit a solicitor and start making plans for the future, this man is showing you constantly who he really is.

@Feelinfedup

You mention upthread about 'starting over'. You won't be 'starting over', you're simply deciding to take a different road to your future. You have your children and your friends, you have good memories to keep (he'll fade out of them in time), you have your home (don't sell it yet, your feelings may change). HE's the one who's 'starting over' with his floozy. Much joy may it bring both of them.

As far as 'can you forgive', for me the answer is no. And I'd feel no need to. But the bigger issue is the broken trust. I could never trust a cheater again, no matter how long we'd been married. A marriage without trust is like a broken plate. You might be able to glue it back together, but it will never be as good as it was, it'll never be 'whole' again. You'll always see the crack and think "That's where it broke". Best to just toss that broken plate and get a brand new one, a new life.

And I certainly wouldn't want to live a life where I had to feel constant suspicion, wondering where he was or what he was doing. That's no life at all. I'd rather live on my own, free and happy, making my own decisions and living according to my own lights.

Or can they truly love you and cheat ?

No. Love and cheating are incompatible

I honestly don't think i can live my life questioning all his behaviours .

You shouldn't have to. You don't have to.

I'm really sad over the whole suitation and breaking up the family

Remember, you are NOT the one 'breaking up the family'. That blame goes squarely on his shoulders. It's common for cheaters to say that the wronged spouse is 'breaking up the family' when they tells the cheater to get out. That's the same as saying that the wronged spouse should facilitate the cheating and help the cheater 'maintain their reputation' by keeping silent!! It shows just how egotistically a cheater is. All about saving their own skin and sacrificing the wellbeing of a spouse who has been nothing but loyal. Fuck that cheater and the horse they rode in on. And they stable they keep it at!!!

Of course you are sad - you have every right to be but you're not breaking up the family. Your husband broke up the family six years ago when he embarked on a secret life with another woman. Your family hasn't been what you thought it was for all of that time and your husband didn't think his betrayal mattered as long as you were kept in the dark. He's a snake and you deserve better.

@Feelinfedup and she's the only other woman you know of ATM? He's disrespected you behind your back and straight to your face - how much clearer does he have to make it - he couldn't care less about you. Your life has been blown up by a massive bombshell - it can never be rebuilt.

OP, PLEASE get legal advice ASAP. He doesn’t sound like a nice person, whatever front he’s put on in the past, and he may easily try to hide assets/screw you over financially.
Please, for your own sake, make an appointment with a solicitor. It’s hard to do right now, but you need to protect yourself. 💐

And don’t tell your children or anyone
on his side of the family or a friend of his. They may accidentally mention it or he may pressure them into telling him. He’s not your friend or on your side.

6 years? So he was just living a double life for all that time? He’s a bastard. Don’t let him pressure you into forgiving him, just take it day by day

Sorry OP - absolutely not a chance.
Sneaking around behind your back for 6 years.
He doesn’t deserve you and you will never have peace if you stay.

@Feelinfedup

This, 1000%. Immediate legal advice is imperative. Things may be in flux right now, but as soon as he realizes you mean business, he may and probably will turn nasty. They usually do when they realize you aren't going to do what they want you to do; shut up and go along with 'the plan'.

And if you have a loyal friend of your own who can keep your secrets, confide in them. RL support is important. But don't pick the wife of 'couple friends'. You need someone with no connection to him.

Time for the Duck Parade!

I’m so sorry OP but. Can I just say you haven’t broke up the family your faithless husband has done this all on his own. Even after you found out it still didn’t end. Maybe the OW asked him to leave and he said no maybe the OW got fedup of being the OW. Whichever it is you can never trust or like him again. Love is a complicated emotion especially after 35 years together, but that doesn’t mean you actually like him anymore. His behaviour has been terrible to his wife of 35 years and the mother of his children. No remorse should tell you everything you need to know, he doesn’t care. You can see a councillor on your own if he won’t go too. Good luck OP.

Or can they truly love you and cheat ?

Actually I think sometimes people do take awful destructive actions while genuinely loving someone. Make a mistake, have a moment of weakness, fall for flattery or indulge their own ego or greedy appetite for sex.

But what true love is not is deciding you know best about someone’s life and manipulating them into living a lie, a life they do not know they are living. Someone who loves you does not blame you when you are distraught. Does not tell you your feelings are wrong.

He loves himself. And you only insofar as you enable the life he thinks he is entitled to. Whatever the emotional and mental cost to
you.

I know he is still friends with her on social media after I asked him to block her.

This means his affair is not over, @Feelinfedup. Completely cutting contact with the Affair Partner is mandatory, and any reputable counselor would agree. It’s the first thing a truly repentant partner would do. He has defied you and is hanging onto access to OW.

I asked him when I first found out would he go to councelling but he refused saying “all they’ll do is judge me…”

It’s all about him. He rejected your two major requests. It’s true that counseling with a manipulative, unremorseful person is not advised, but the point is, you initially asked him and he shut you down.

This egocentric, cold-blooded liar feels entitled call the shots. He couldn’t care less about your suffering or needs/requirements for healing. In his mind, any reconciliation will be on his terms. He assumes you will subjugate yourself and the status quo will resume. That is the path to destroyed emotional health. This is not love, compassion, respect or remorse. It is control, domination and contempt.

@Feelinfedup, you surely feel like the earth is spinning off its axis. Have you found your anger yet? You will need it as a motivating, clarifying force.

Please meet with a solicitor soon.

You are not breaking up the family, he did. He chose to have a double life, this is the consequences of that. Stay strong and focused.

Excellent advice from @Thewookiemustgo. She is absolutely right, you need to save yourself here, because this man is not your friend. I find it illuminating that he refused to attend counselling because he felt he would be “judged”. If he was so certain he’d done nothing wrong and that you need to just forget about it because it’s “just sex” why would he fear judgement? He’s been lying to himself for so long, he started to believe his own bullshit. Now the light is being shone on his tawdry other life, and a tiny sliver of how colossally appalling his behaviour has been has crept in…he doesn’t want to face it. He is, at heart, a coward. I do not believe he has humiliated you, rather, he has humiliated himself. Shown himself to be a person of low character, devoid of integrity, compassion or care for those he promised to love the most. How pathetic and how utterly awful to have to look in the mirror and see that is who you are. But he can deal with his massive deficiencies by himself. You must hold your line here op, stand firm in your utter contempt for him and his weakness. Protect yourself and your dc at all costs. The very best of luck xx

It's made worse by the fact that he's not owning what he has done!

If he doesn't think/admit that he's done wrong then things can't get better!

@Buildingthefuture absolutely. Cheating reflects on the character of the betrayer, not the betrayed.
OP this is hard to believe but what he did has nothing to do with you, absolutely nothing.
He had a range of honest choices before him and chose to cheat. That was his choice, you did nothing to influence that. People cheat for various reasons but the full blame for the act of cheating lies with them.
The humiliation is all his, not yours, you had no say in the matter or agency, he never gave you that choice. He allowed himself to do this, in full knowledge that it is wrong.
Hold your head high. This man has humiliated himself, and the irony is that if he had one shred of humility himself he’d be on his knees begging forgiveness.
Remember: cheating reflects only on the character defects of the cheater. It’s not your circus, not your monkeys.

he refused saying " all they'll do is judge me"

People who behave badly in relationships often seem to get on their high horses about other people being "judgemental" of that bad behaviour.

I think it's because they've judged their own actions to be fair, reasonable and understandable, and can't deal with the fact that other people may disagree and think they actually need to take a long, hard look at their own lack of integrity.

During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me

Because the idea that affairs happen because something is lacking in the primary relationship is generally false. Affairs happen because some people feel entitled to cheat on their partners...

Why couldn't he have just said " i dont want you anymore " I feel so sad for our children. They deserved a happy home

...while maintaining their primary relationship. He didn't not want you any more. He wanted you AND an affair. That's the whole point. It's all about his entitlement, it's not about you or your joint relationship. There's nothing you could have done differently that would have prevented him behaving in this way. He believes it to be his right to be married to you and to have relationships with other people. I'm sorry he's lied to you so much, about who he is as well as what he's done. It's not your fault.

He is refusing point blank to move out .He said " Im not leaving my children " .He wants us to live together as friends for the children's sake .He would still live with me as man and wife but I'm never having a romantic relationship with him again as trust is completely gone for me .. I don't think i can do this just live together as friends .. Why did my life have to turn out like this .I use to be so optimistic now i just feel sooo sad all the time .

Have you got legal advice yet, OP? If not, please get on with it. He’s trying to co trip the situation and push you into doing what he wants.

You need to take back control. 💐