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Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 22/10/2023 07:34

What a remarkably stupid man. How could he do this after 35 years and 4 grown up kids? How?

ThePM · 22/10/2023 07:48

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

Would I try? I am trying and succeeding. And there is no way in your situation that I would continue. He is taking you for an absolute mug.

Go back and read the what he has said, one sentence at a time and ask yourself “is this self-serving BS?”
It always is. Even “I love you and don’t want to get divorced.” That’s self serving- what the truth is, is “I don’t want to have to go through a divorce and it’s upheaval, I love you being at home where there is no upheaval for me.”

There is so much to get straight in your head- the first one being. This person did not have your best interests at heart, he is not actually on your side.

Starting over is scary. And I was 50 when we separated. Live is good.

Climbingthehillfast · 22/10/2023 08:17

No way would I trust him or want him near me ever again. He’s ruined your marriage, his family, and he doesnt seem to care. Kick him out.

Alondra · 22/10/2023 11:47

Your husband didn't have an affair. He had a 6 year relationship living a double life.

I don't know how you could even try to reconcile. His lies and level of compartmentalisation is so huge you won't know where to begin, even if he was apologising. And he's not apologising, he's telling you to forget it.

You can't fix a marriage on your own, when your husband has been living a double life. He needs to fix himself and he doesn't want to do it.

TheGooseDrankWine · 22/10/2023 17:52

So sorry OP.

It is a huge loss, the man you thought you had shows he is not the man you thought, the future you felt safe to imagine, robbed from you.

It’s horrible.

But you are still you, you have your wonderful children, and you can hold your head high.

I know he has no remorse as he said to me yesterday that i should be happy with my life , and to stop making a big thing out of it , that i don't know what real trouble is

How dare he tell you how you should react and how you should feel? How dare he presume to decide whether you should be happy with your life while he helps himself to another woman?

It is good you have told him to go: heartbreaking though your destroyed marriage is you will now (eventually) be much happier without him than if he controls and guilt trips you into staying.

And how happy were you in all those years when he ‘worked long hours’ and never had time for you? How much of your life was lived according to HIS needs and wants?

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 22/10/2023 17:59

Oh OP I totally get what you mean, he has made your life a lie. I am not sure if I could forgive any cheating, but I think in certain circs I could try and move past a ONS or drunken fumble, but I absolutely could not forgive a long term affair.

Universalsnail · 22/10/2023 18:55

No i would not forgive this. He will do it again, he made that obvious when he said he thought what you didn't know couldn't hurt you.

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 18:39

How did you get on OP - are you ok?

Kitcat122 · 23/10/2023 19:51

I was in your exact situation 6 months ago. Not such a long affair but equal lies and betrayal. I am 52, 4 children and married for 28 years. He also wanted to stay but showed zero remorse. I couldn't imagine life without him. I looked at him, the man I wanted to grow old with, my person and just saw a stranger. We still have 2 teenagers at high school. I couldn't stay with him. A big part of me wanted to but I would have felt no self respect. 6 months on I am doing well. Still have sad moments but it was definitely the right decision for me. Sending love as it's the worst feeling in the world 🌎 xx

Lookingatthesunset · 23/10/2023 19:52

No.

Lookingatthesunset · 23/10/2023 19:54

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 22:51

I know he has no remorse as he said to me yesterday that i should be happy with my life , and to stop making a big thing out of it , that i don't know what real trouble is
He had me nearly feeling guilty for feeling heartbroken. I can actually feel my heart ache . I think I'm grieving the man i thought i married .

omg he is an utter bastard!! Fuck him out.

How dare he?!!

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 23/10/2023 21:57

Thank you all so much for replying. Today i felt so down .Sorry Kitcat122 that you had to go through this also .Honestly i feel like my whole life is tumbling down around me. I'm still in shock ,maybe i was so in love that my rose tinted glasses had me blinded but my God have they well and truly fallen off .. I could never be intimate with him again as all I'd see is her face !!

OP posts:
RandomForest · 23/10/2023 22:58

Oh dear, it will take a while for your head and heart to be in balance, take as much time you need to stabilize.
Time will make you stronger.

Sending strength.
Flowers

Jonisaysitbest · 24/10/2023 07:40

@Feelinfedup Sending you love and strength.
It's so hard and so painful to move on but, as you say, if you stay you will be haunted by thoughts of him & the OW.
Anyone who hasn't been through it can never understand how this kind of betrayal rocks the very foundations of your life.
But you WILL survive and you will be a stronger person for it. xxx

Jonisaysitbest · 24/10/2023 07:43

Ps as corny as it sounds, blast the old Gloria Gaynor classic "I will survive" today and take strength from those lyrics.
Make it your mantra.
You will get through this. Xx

TheGooseDrankWine · 24/10/2023 09:34

Yes, make yourself a playlist OP, that lifts your mood and boosts your morale.

And hurl some energy into exercise, which helps vent while also raising your endorphins, which will boost your mood and then help you sleep better.

Thinking of you.

Chedderbites2 · 24/10/2023 15:39

OP I'm so sorry. I hate when these people have affairs or cheat and then say 'But I love you' they have no right to say that. You confronted him and he lied and carried it on that is even worse. Deep down you know you cannot forgive this. He disrespected you and your marriage for years. He's only ended it as he has been found out otherwise it wound have carried on and to then say he didn't realise he was doing anything wrong? You deserve and are worth so much more than this no matter what point of life you are at. See yourself for the faithful good person you are and do not settle for anything less. You will never truely be able to forgive him and it will eat away at you in time to come, you will always be doubting getting rightly so angry and paranoid even is he doing it again. Please get out of this marriage and make a new happier life for yourself. See this as an opportunity - your not trapped in a lie anymore. Use this to grow and focus on you. I'm sorry for your heartache. Things will get better

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 24/10/2023 17:08

Thank you so much Chedderbites2 for your really kind words . It does makes sense when you say i should use this as an opportunity to get out of this lie of a marriage. There is going to be so much upheaval for the children, family home will probably have to be sold as i can't imagine staying living here when AP lives only 1 mile away. When i look at home i still can't believe he was capable of this ..The thing is he continued after i finding out ,.wouldn't you think that would have been enough to get him to stop .No going back for me as loyalty meant so much to me ,and without trust youu don't have a marriage .

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinfedup · 24/10/2023 17:19

meant when i look at him (not home )

OP posts:
freetheunicorn1 · 24/10/2023 18:50

Feelinfedup · 24/10/2023 17:08

Thank you so much Chedderbites2 for your really kind words . It does makes sense when you say i should use this as an opportunity to get out of this lie of a marriage. There is going to be so much upheaval for the children, family home will probably have to be sold as i can't imagine staying living here when AP lives only 1 mile away. When i look at home i still can't believe he was capable of this ..The thing is he continued after i finding out ,.wouldn't you think that would have been enough to get him to stop .No going back for me as loyalty meant so much to me ,and without trust youu don't have a marriage .

I am a few weeks ahead of you and it is very tough. My soon to be ex is already openly going out with his mistress like I never existed. One thing that is clear is that this was not his first affair.

I am looking into getting therapy to work through this. I can't wait to divorce the fucker but there has been so much betrayal, humiliation and I now realise emotional abuse so I recognise I will need to rebuild myself.

YouJustDoYou · 24/10/2023 22:22

15 years on. /it's never the same.

Takeitonthechin · 24/10/2023 22:38

Every time he walks out of the door, you're going to wonder if he's going where he says he's going..... do you want to spend the rest of your life like this!

How do you know the affair has ended? And how do you know he won't do it again?

You could try a trial separation, if you like it, you don't have to have him back op.

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 24/10/2023 22:52

Yes your right everytime he leaves to go to work / meetings I'm wondering is he meeting her or is he still talking to her on the phone ..I'm fairly certain it is off between them but isn't that only because i caught them .For all i know this may not be his first affair. I can't see myself living like that . My mental health has taken a nose dive . Maybe i need to go to counselling on my own ..Isn't it amazing the way yout life can change overnight!!

OP posts:
Wonkasworld · 24/10/2023 23:26

You are still relatively young. Get rid of him. He's not worthy of you x

iamenough2023 · 24/10/2023 23:40

If you are asking me, “it is only sex” would not get him of the hook even if it was only once. I would not tolerate infidelity in any shape, form or length. Funny thing is that for most men, sex IS the most important part of a relationship. It is only when they are trying to get out of trouble they refer to it as “only sex” and it’s just because they know that most women value love and companionship more.