Would you forgive a long term affair ?

[Feelinfedup]

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

You haven’t betrayed your children OP. You are allowed to speak to your friends, you need support at this time.

You will have hard times, but just hold on to what you have said here - that you would never be able to trust him again.

And being on your own doesn’t have to mean lonely - I am one of many very happy single women/mothers. A bad relationship is not better than no relationship, even if your friend appears to think so - that’s more reflective of her perspective on life than reality!

You will have regrets whichever path you choose, but I can tell you as someone currently attempting reconciliation after an affair, staying is not easy and it is only a possibility if your partner meets the criteria for being a good candidate for reconciliation. from what you've shared about your husband, he doesn't seem to be in my opinion.

None of this was your choice - it's all on him. You are not betraying your family, or splitting up the family unit - he is. He made that choice the second he crossed the line with another woman. This is what we have to realise even if we choose to reconcile - the original marriage is over, gone already. The choice is not to stay in the marriage or separate. The choice is to make a new marriage out of the wreckage, with all the hard work that entails, or to separate.

If you know in your gut you couldn't (or don't want to) create a new marriage with this man, then you are doing the right thing. I am only staying in my marriage for now because my husband is proving to me that he's committed to becoming the man I thought I'd married in the first place, which means total remorse, no blame, serious work in therapy, complete transparency... and that's juts the start. It's really hard and I think all the time that if I'd left last year, I would have been well on the way to healing by now.

Best wishes @Feelinfedup. None of this is easy, and none of it is your fault.

Hear, hear, @Ihaveoflate and I wish you strength and courage with your reconciliation, it’s incredibly hard.

He broke the marriage and the family by his poor choices, OP, not you. If his poor choices and subsequent poor behaviour leave you no choice, then there is nothing more you can do, he broke it and isn’t a safe bet to fix it, his decisions have led to yours, none of this would be happening to you or your family if he had been a good husband and father. Please don’t carry his shame and feel guilty for this, you are in an awful
position because of his conduct. You have done nothing, repeat, nothing wrong. Sending love.

I think you've been conditioned to take on guilt for doing what's best for YOU! Your children aren't young and your husband has already broken your marriage & family so whatever happens, life is changing for you anyway. You might as well use the opportunity to make the next chapter suit your own needs and wants. What would you like to do? Where would you like to visit? Try to imagine yourself in your own new home, free to do what you like and knowing you don't have to struggle everyday to try and live amicably with a man you don't trust or respect any more. Be kind to yourself.

Plenty of women choose to stay in this situation and turn a blind eye. It's up to you. I wouldn't say any path has only advantages and no downsides. If you leave you have to be prepared that he may start a whole second family and your kids lose that half of the inheritance as well - so get a good deal on the divorce! I've seen that happen so many times.

You sound Iike you really loved him though and were happy. Sadly I think that contentment won't come back if you stay.

Bloody hell OP, he’s a lot”I want” isn’t he.
Always remember, you have done NOTHING wrong. This is all on him.
I’d be torn between throwing him out or making his life hell if he stayed. ( I can personally recommend senokot curry as a starting point)
Read back over some of the things he said to you…. what does this man have ?

Should i have told my family and friends ? I feel really guilty about telling my friends as have i betrayed my children by talking about their Dad .

What nonsense! You have not 'betrayed your children'. You have spoken your truth. What you have told your friends and family will have no bearing on your children's relationship with their father. Did the same 'grass isn't greener' friend put that idea in your head?

One of my friends said " maybe the grass isn't greener being separated and probably be lonely forever.

But you're lonely NOW. Just because he is still in the house that certainly doesn't mean you aren't alone. There is nothing more 'alone' than being in a marriage where the trust and the love is gone. All he is is a body taking up space and a constant reminder of your current unhappiness. As I've said before it is better to be alone than be wishing you were.

As for lonely, you have friends and family. You can pick and choose activities and groups to join once you're out and free. You will be only as 'lonely' as you choose to be. And besides, you may actually enjoy the peace and freedom that comes from living on your own and making your own rules.

I'd say this 'friend' is either in a bad marriage herself and trying to justify staying OR she is living in the 1950s where a 'woman was nothing without a man'.

Sometimes i feel like im in a no win suitation as if i stay I'll never trust him again or forget what he done to me if i leave my children's home is broken .

Your children's 'home' is already 'broken'. And besides, your children are all adults and IIRC living on their own, other than the 17 yr old so exactly what 'home' are you 'breaking' for them. And the 17 year old is old enough to understand unhappy parents and divorce. Yes, I'm sure there will be emotions for them, but they will recover.

If the home is 'broken' then HE broke it. Your children are old enough to understand why you want to leave. I certainly would not have resented my mother for wanting out of a marriage where my father was a constant cheater, would you? I would have wanted my mother to be happy.

Make the decision that it right for YOU. Don't be a martyr. No one will thank you for it.

I felt very much as you in the beginning. I told one close friend, and that was it. I didn't even tell my parents or siblings for 2 months. I felt if I told anyone that was it! It was out there, and there was no going back. When I finally told them their support and love were what helped pull me through. 6 months on, I still have moments of great sadness, but then I realise that my sadness is for a life I actually didn't have. I am really beginning to enjoy being single and putting myself first (I still have 3 children at home) but I don't have to think about a man which is actually quite nice at the moment.

Your children's home is broken already and trying to normalize this is more and not less damaging to your dc.

I can't imagine anything more lonely than staying in a relationship where the other person is wanting to be in other relationships at the same time.

You absolutely have the right to talk to others for support, it doesn't reflect on your dc only your husband.

Thank you ladies for your replies .I think i just felt really down earlier and I'm here at work now and feel more positive .No honestly i I know i cannot go backwards. I just wish he'd move out .Unusual thing is i don't have hatered for him , i still very much care for him but i could never ever resume a romantic relationship and I'm hoping to eventually find a nice house for myself and then i won't have any contact and i know then i can be happy when that happens .

Agreed, while he is obviously telling you what he thinks you want to hear I would nearly have more respect for him as a human being if he said ' Life is complicated and I'm not going to disrespect either of you by saying I had no feelings for her'. And if he genuinely was able to have an affair for 6 years without any feelings, to so casually describe it as nothing, I'd consider him a bustard and a sociopath and would want him gone on those grounds alone.

I am going through a separation after catching my husband cheating and I am looking into therapy as I know I need to rebuild and deal with my feelings so not to let it effect my future. Is that something you would consider?

@Feelinfedup

.Unusual thing is i don't have hatered for him , i still very much care for him

I don't think it's unusual at all. We can't just turn our emotions off like a tap, would that we could! It's the remaining feelings for him that are causing the pain. Perfectly normal.

I think the best thing to do is acknowledge the feelings. To try to deny them just creates emotional confusion and feelings of 'guilt' because you think you're feeling something you shouldn't. And it uses a lot of your emotional energy trying to tell yourself that you are not feeling what you know you are. So you say "Yes, I still love him. But he is not worthy of that love. These feelings will eventually fade and more 'accurate' and healthier feelings will take their place. It will take time but it will happen". Then you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

How dare he do that to you!
Unforgivable.

You’re still young!

Hi all , I have started my separation process .He is still living here as he has refused to move . He is very much wanting to stay married and start over ,saying how I'm the only one he loves but his words don't mean a thing anymore as all my trust is gone ..One thing I've learnt in all this is that life can take an unexpected turn and suddenly everything changes . Sometimes I feel very much on my own in all of this , everyone busy with their own lives and I just come home from work to my broken home .. I just feel let down with life ..

saying how I'm the only one he loves

He has an unusual definition of love.
Or he certainly practices an unusual implementation of love.

He's also an utter shit for not having the decency to move out.

You are a very strong person op.

I'd like to see him if you'd done this to him.

Not a chance.

I forgave a drunken one night stand that he confessed to straight away twenty odd years ago due to the fact that our marriage was in a bad place at the time and both of us were at fault for that (and I knew it could just have easily been me having a drunk one night stand) but a sustained web of lies and deceit, no.

And that'll teach me not to RTFT!

You're doing the right thing OP. I've got many friends who have started over in their fifties and it's not been easy at first, but they're all doing great.

You've given him more than enough time Op, he thinks there's still hope until you divorce him. Get the divorce going, you need to move on. Lots of good years still ahead of you Op

Absolutely not.

My mother forgave my father in this situation - he continued the affair and left her 18 months later.

Sending hugs. Do what’s best for YOU…he has no right to ignore this and pretend like nothing has happened. Can your divorce proceedings not force a sale if he refuses to buy you out? Is he still meeting up with/on social media with the piece of trash?

You are in limbo right now. It will get better.

To answer your question Chatonette I found out after Xmas he was still meeting up with her so after that there was certainly no way back for us .. I don't think he is still meeting her but that don't matter anymore and yes still friends with her on Facebook and Instagram. When I asked him before to block her on social media he just said " sure I'm never on social media " which of course is a lie .. I'm just feeling down these last few days ,it's difficult when still living together even though I don't have massive hatered for him but it's very hard to put it all behind when living under one roof ..I'm hoping to buy somewhere but nothing suitable have come up for where I'm interested in living..He is still not taking responsibility for the affair ,sometimes blaming me saying we were always arguing which is not true ,actually I'd say we augured very little compared to other couples but I suppose he has to blame something ..

No, 100% not a long term affair. He will do it again, he doesn’t respect you, I mean he doesn’t even accept he’s done anything wrong. Go, and rebuild your life with someone who deserves you