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Original poster

Would you forgive a long term affair ?

305 replies

Feelinfedup · 20/10/2023 15:27

Hi , I found out recently that my husband has been having a long term affair, as i found text messages and from what i read it was very obvious that an affair was going on . I confronted him but he denied it and continued behind my back . It has now ended and he is begging me to save the marriage saying the affair meant nothing, it was only sex to him and he didn't think he was doing wrong as he was still a good husband to me and what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me . I am devastated over the whole experience and can't believe he was capable of leading a double life .During his affair he continued to have a regular sex life with me ,so don't know why he went looking else where when he was getting it from me .. I just can't move on from all the betrayal and lies and i know I'll never look at him in the same way again but another part of me feels i should try .He claims to love me and never wanted to lose me but i can't get my head around the fact that how the hell can he love me and have an affair that lasted 6 yrs . We are together 35 yrs so not easy to start over at 53 . Would any of you ladies try ? or am i delusional for even thinking i could fix this ? I just can't see myself ever trusting him again.

OP posts:
HamBone · 30/10/2023 14:35

*control

endlessfall · 30/10/2023 15:08

He is absolutely delusional.
You can't be friends because friends don't lie and cheat.
His behavior isn't okay even for the most distant friends let alone a close friend that you house share with.

But the good news is that he doesn't get to control whether you divorce him or not. Or whether longer term you all live together.

It sounds as though the understanding of financial impact of his choices are only just filtering through to him.

Your dc will find it much easier to understand a couple divorcing and living apart than divorcing and still living together as friends.

You need to seek legal advice and start the divorce proceedings yourself.

Ellie56 · 30/10/2023 15:22

He is a massive twat.

Your children are grown up. They don't need you to stay together pretending all is well when it isn't. He's just discovered how much splitting up is going to cost him.

MsDogLady · 30/10/2023 15:23

Well he’s not your friend, and living as flatmates would be soul-crushing. He just wants a cook/housekeeper while avoiding the financial hit of a divorce. Besides modeling a dysfunctional marriage, I assume he’d be dating new women or continuing his long-term relationship with OW.

@Feelinfedup, stop letting him push you around. Use your agency and good sense by seeking legal advice asap. Divorcing this massively entitled pig is the only reasonable answer.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 30/10/2023 15:51

Look up the term "grey rock". You need to stop discussing things with him or trying to negotiate with him. He is no longer your friend, he's engaged in a power play against you. Get legal advice. Find out what your options are. Do NOT tell him you are doing this. He is going to make splitting up as difficult as he can but he can't stop it from happening. The less he thinks you know, the easier it will be for you to get things moving. You do not have to accept what he wants.

jannier · 30/10/2023 15:55

No he lied even when you confronted him he's now been ditched and doesn't want to go without sex until he finds another one. Obviously he knows it's hurt you or he would have said how do you feel about an open marriage.
Get tested.
I wouldn't rule out other affairs and one night stands either.

CheekyHobson · 30/10/2023 16:37

He is refusing point blank to move out .He said " Im not leaving my children". He wants us to live together as friends for the children's sake.

Your children are all adults or almost adults and you're not friends with him, so he is being pathetic. Move out yourself, take any kids who are still living at home if you want to do that, start divorce proceedings and force the sale of the house.

Jonisaysitbest · 30/10/2023 17:04

Wow, that's awful! And totally unfair. If one person wants out of a marriage it isn't fair for the other person to stop them like that especially when they broke the marriage vows so spectacularly.

I think your only recourse now is to go down the legal route and seek a divorce.

Fwiw, a close friend of mine is trapped living with her ex partner due to financial reasons and it's very toxic for their kids and incredibly stressful for her (and her partner I imagine, obviously I only ever hear her side of things).
He really isn't putting his kids first by saying he wants to stay and it's not setting a good example to them regarding relationships.

Don't let him call all the shots. As painful as it is, as the pp said, you need to take back control now.
He broke the marriage with his behaviour so he shouldn't be surprised to be served with divorce papers

feelingfree17 · 30/10/2023 18:06

He just wants everything his own way doesn’t he. Sorry OP, he isn’t your friend, otherwise he wouldn’t have carried on as he did. I wouldn’t be able to look at him, let alone live with him and be his “friend.”

As hard as it is for you, and as sad as you feel right now, you really don’t have any choice but to get on with getting him out of your life. Long term it will be so much easier.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2023 18:47

@Feelinfedup

I apologize if you've said, but what is the 'housing' situation? Do you rent or do you own jointly? Is the house his before the marriage or in his sole name?

All of this is important as far as 'who leaves' and what happens next. You really need to see a solicitor. There are ways to get a spouse out of the house, but only a solicitor can tell you if one is applicable to your situation.

Kitcat122 · 30/10/2023 19:37

Mine ex did exactly the same. We lived in the house together for 3 months and it was horrendous. I lost 2 stone. The kids walked on eggshells. It was toxic for everyone. I absolutely insisted he left and it was the best thing I did. I felt myself physically relax immediately and slept that first night like a baby. Your children will be fine. Mine are, they obviously don't know the gory details. They had the fluffy version but they have adjusted better than I could have imagined.

HamBone · 30/10/2023 20:01

He broke the marriage with his behaviour so he shouldn't be surprised to be served with divorce papers.

Exactly@Jonisaysitbest plus he could change his mind anytime on living together as friends and start the divorce process himself. He’s not the OP’s friend, he’s treated her appallingly, what’s to stop him continuing to do so?

I do hope you get legal advice ASAP, OP ( and don’t tell anyone unless it’s a trusted friend, certainly not him nor your children). 💐

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 30/10/2023 22:23

We own the house and thankfully have no mortgage. We also own another house in the local town , our eldest son lives there with his partner but we don't charge them rent . I told him he can go live there but he says he doesn't want to interfere with them . I have an appointment made with a solicitor but nearest they can see me is in two weeks time .

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/10/2023 23:15

In my experience, 6 year affairs don't end just like that. Chances are he's lying low.

He's been with the OW for a while. They will go low contact for now but he won't just end it.

He may not wish to move out, but you'll need to set a solicitor to take it forwards.

MsDogLady · 30/10/2023 23:32

I agree with @SandyY2K that they are likely lying low. He feels zero remorse, hasn’t blocked OW on FB even though you asked him too, and she lives close by.

Well done for making the appointment with the solicitor, @Feelinfedup.

RandomForest · 31/10/2023 01:56

This man has no concience and I doubt this is his only demeanor, his entire life has probably been a lie.

Do not trust him in any way shape or form to do the right thing from now on, anything he tells you, belive the opposite.

I agree that he will tell you untruths about cutting contact with her but I doubt it's because he loves her, these types of men love no one but themseves.

He doesn't care about women.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2023 10:34

If it's more than 6 years it's hard to believe it was 'just sex' sure a holiday fling or a one night stand might hav been a purely physical thing but this is a full on mistress. Do you really believe it's over? That she has just allowed herself to be cut off?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2023 10:36

I suppose your decision is based on whether you think you'll be happier living with him knowing that he did this, and only stopped (if he's even stopped) because he was caught, or single living your life freely doing whatveer you want to do, or dating and giving yourself a chance to meet someone new xx

HamBone · 31/10/2023 11:32

Good on you for making the solicitor’s appointment, OP. Whatever you decide, it’s best to be fully informed about the legal side. Take care. 💐

rantinglunatic · 31/10/2023 13:01

Feelinfedup · 30/10/2023 22:23

We own the house and thankfully have no mortgage. We also own another house in the local town , our eldest son lives there with his partner but we don't charge them rent . I told him he can go live there but he says he doesn't want to interfere with them . I have an appointment made with a solicitor but nearest they can see me is in two weeks time .

Very well done for taking the bull by the horns and taking action. That's impressive

brujarosada · 31/10/2023 13:11

No.

Channellingsophistication · 31/10/2023 13:32

Living together as friends would suit him down to the ground wouldn’t it … the freedom to do what he wanted, with whom he wanted, then the companionship and creature comforts of home..

not much fun for you, but he’s not thinking of you is he..

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 31/10/2023 17:18

Yes your right not much fun for me living with him but he can go f..k off with his mistress now as I'm not going to be his living companion.. Excuse the language , but i feel angry this evening at him thinking it's ok for him to stay living here .

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2023 23:17

Just hang in there and get that legal advice. At this point you can't make him leave as you're joint owners. Legally he has the same right to be there as you. But you can make it as uncomfortable as possible for him to stay. Stop any/all 'domestic services'. No laundry, don't cook for him, shop for him, don't clean up after him. If you've always done his 'admin', stop. Speak to him as little as possible and only about necessary things, no chit chat. Move into another bedroom. Be as ships that pass in the night. Say no more about him leaving until you've spoken to a solicitor. If he brings it up either blank him or say "Well then, I guess the house will have to be sold won't it?" and walk away.

As far as his "I'm not leaving my children" your youngest is 17 fgs! How melodramatic can you get. It's not like you have a house full of toddlers! Sounds to me as if your children aren't very impressed with him at this point anyway.

Original poster
Feelinfedup · 06/11/2023 12:19

Today I'm feeling really down .I'm starting to wonder am i doing the right thing in ending the marriage. Should i have told my family and friends ? I feel really guilty about telling my friends as have i betrayed my children by talking about their Dad . One of my friends said " maybe the grass isn't greener being separated and probably be lonely forever. Sometimes i feel like im in a no win suitation as if i stay I'll never trust him again or forget what he done to me and if i leave my children's home is broken .

OP posts:
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