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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I live with my worst nightmare.

168 replies

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:35

My partner and I have a 1 year old toddler. But he does nothing, I manage all the rent, bills, groceries, baby maintenance, chores, cooking. I work from home and take care of our little one whilst doing so and he just sleeps until 2pm I mean he said he would take care of the baby once I return to work but hardly does much. He doesn’t work and says he is looking for a job but there isn’t much effort I’m seeing. I am now worse off than I was before him, I am in debt with my energy company, I am in debt with my council tax, I am struggling to make ends meet. My glasses have been broken and I can’t afford to get them fixed as I can’t pay for the travel there and new glasses and they’re terrible smashed. I wear contacts which cost £25 a month. I couldn’t afford them this month and have run out, I literally work and cannot see a thing and have the laptop right up to my face. My partner is aware of this. My son has been wearing small under vests because I can’t afford them. I dress him in 3/4 layers as I can’t afford to buy him clothes. It is the middle of the month and I broke down to my mom and told her all this she has transferred me some money for contacts and bits for my little one and her and my sister have ordered him clothes, sock, vests for the cold weather. There are days I have to decide between a necessity for me or to get my toddler something and obvs it’s always my toddler as he comes first. 2 months ago on my period I couldn’t even afford pads and had to use tissue. My life is in tatters and I finally see it for what it is and i know im in a bad situation. He knows all this and he also knows he doesn’t help I’ve said this several times in arguments and all but nothing. He had cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and after I gave birth the first 2 months of DC life. But like a idiot at that point I forgave him and also at that point he was managing the finances it’s only since I’ve been back at work in July I manage it all. He lost his job due to prison as he broke a non mol order his ex had against him by reaching out to see his kids. I have lost his chain I say lost but I’ve misplaced it somewhere it’s £400 but this was around the beginning of this year when I was in postpartum and had only been a month that I had caught him with nudes on his phone so head wasn’t in the right place. Now he wants this necklace found and if I don’t find it he will take back everything he ever brought for me which tbf I don’t care about as it was never about things for me he can have all the shit but it’s the mindset. Last year I lost £800 because of his sentence as I had booked us a holiday I never once complained, I’ve brought him several expensive things but it never comes to my mind to take them back so that shows the kind of person he is and as does everything else he is like show it. He has also said he has had a dream I gave this chain to someone and if I don’t find it there will be questions that arise I mean I find him sickening to even say that I’ve got my flaws but I don’t and am not a cheat and wouldn’t give his stuff to anyone either who even thinks like that? So strange to me.. I’m here looking for this chain today as he keeps mentioning it every now and again and has also said to me I need to take a day off to find this chain and if I don’t find it ofc accusations will start.. I can’t fucking find it!! I don’t know if I’ve thrown it away accidentally or what but I just feel sick. Don’t judge my grammar please I’ve just sat here and wrote this emotionally

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:37

He has also said he won’t leave without the chain if I ask him to and without the £800 deposit he put on the place I can’t save to give him that deposit back as I spend my last penny trying to make ends meet. I just don’t know

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 20/10/2023 14:38

Is your name on the tenancy? Is your dm far away? Is he on the bc?

Diymesss · 20/10/2023 14:38

Oh my love. You need to find a way out, or get him out. Can you move in with a family member instead?

Somertime · 20/10/2023 14:46

If your name is in the tenancy then you can get rid of him. When he is out, get the locks changed and put his stuff on the doorstep. If he kicks, off call the police immediately.
If he wants the money for the deposit then tell him you will pay once he's paid you for the lost holiday and bills.
It will only get worse the longer you stay with him. I know this from experience.
You will be financially and emotionally better off without him but it will be hard in the short term.

Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:47

The tenancy is in my name and my family live an hour out so I don’t even see them much and when I did used to go once a week he began accusing me of speaking to people and now I haven’t been since may and my mum comes down but rarely as she can’t travel. He then says he doesn’t stop me from going there but because of the accusations he knows to avoid fights I’ve stopped and he doesn’t even say to me to visit he is happy knowing I go nowhere. I live in a village and never leave it. I order the grocery. Only time I leave my place is to take my little one to the park or pop to the shop which is 5 mins away

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/10/2023 14:50

Contact Women’s Aid (when he cannot over hear you). They will help you by telling you how to get rid of him safely.

He’s a bad man. He already has a non molestation order (which he broke!) against him.

You need to safely remove him from your life. Please call Women’s Aid.

It’s not your fault.

PoachedDregs · 20/10/2023 14:50

You will be so much better off without him, what does he actually bring to your life!? Good luck. He's awful.

EmmaEmerald · 20/10/2023 14:51

OP "he began accusing me of speaking to people"

I want this to not be real.

get your family up, tell him to leave while they are there. Get police in if possible.

is he dangerous or just useless?

capabilityfrowns · 20/10/2023 14:52

Why the hell are you putting up with this ?

If the tenancy is in your name just get locks changed and leave his stuff in bags , as op said if he kicks off you phone 999 . Get rid of this loser . He's bringing absolutely nothing except heartache . Sod the chain . Sod the deposit . Tell him to sue you . But get him out !

Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/10/2023 14:56

On your other thread it says your LL is ending the tenancy - can you leave as soon as possible and move back to your mum’s or your sister’s? At least temporarily?

You need to delete your posting history- don’t stay logged in here on your phone or computer, don’t save the username & password automatically, type it in each time, and clear your browser every time.

Go to the park with the baby. Call Women’s Aid. Then call your mum or sister.

Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

He said if I call the police he will beat me

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/10/2023 14:56

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

Then he IS violent.

You must stay safe.

GrumpyPanda · 20/10/2023 14:58

You'll be much better off both emotionally and financially without this abusive wanker. Don't worry about his gifts or the deposit as it sounds like he hasn't contributed in any other way. Get police support to get him out and change the locks. You're lucky in that sense he already has a record.

Seaoftroubles · 20/10/2023 15:01

I can't believe what l have just read! You poor soul, he sounds beyond vile, a disgusting, nasty low life who has already broken a non mol order! You need to get rid of him asap. Please contact Womens Aid for advice and support on how to remove him safely. He is making your life and your childs life a misery, you will be so much happier without him. Thank goodness the tenancy is in your name!

notapizzaeater · 20/10/2023 15:05

Please go home to your mums and make plans to get away. He's not a nice person in any way. You are worth so much more

dancingorange · 20/10/2023 15:07

First of all contact women's aid. Second tell him calmly you would like him to leave, if he refuses contact the police. Stay at family's if possible, any threats etc make sure you keep evidence. His last relationship has obviously had to do the same thing so it is possible to leave and given that he already has a restraining order against him I can't imagine it would be hard for you to get one if things become violent. Good luck, think of your DC x

momtoboys · 20/10/2023 15:16

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DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 20/10/2023 15:22

Hey lovely, I cannot even begin to imagine what life must be like for you. Deep down even you know you have to get rid of him as soon as. Your first point of call has to be to your family. Tell them everything just as you have on here. Second, contact Womens Aid, you need to understand how you get out safely. Thirdly, speak to your landlord. Can you end the tenancy & leave? You make no mention of what your landlord is like but speak to them. I am a landlord and if you came to me I would help you move. You & your little one deserve better. Go to the park if it’s not raining heavily and start making calls as soon as you are away from the hse but remember to make sure to keep looking back to make sure he doesn’t decide to follow you. He is throwing plenty of accusations around already so you now need to always be thinking 10 steps ahead. Quick question is he on the baby’s certificate? As a previous poster said clear your posting history, that is so important in case he starts to look through your phone. Every time you clear your posting history make it then look like that all you ever search for is baby stuff, local news etc etc. Do not leave your safari looking completely blank as that is what will make him suspicious. This is the time you now need to proceed with caution, he must not find out you are looking to leave him. So stay calm, busy yourself with the little one anything to look busy to stay away from him.

I am here anytime you need to talk x

Ketzele · 20/10/2023 15:25

This reply has been deleted

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Then you say nothing, right?

Nicole1111 · 20/10/2023 15:27

You’re in a domestically abusive relationship with someone who presumably if he has a previous non mol has a history of domestic abuse. He doesn’t need to be violent to be abusing you. Threats, isolation etc all count. You need to speak to someone about this urgently. You could go to the police and say you want him removed, and they would likely support you with this and ensuring your home has safe locks etc. Alternatively you could call women’s aid or another charity local to you for support or go to your local children’s centre and ask for support. I know that sounds scary but it’s only going to get worse and not better.

Pezdeoro41 · 20/10/2023 15:32

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

He is abusive. That is a violent threat. But abuse isn’t just violence, you know that right? What you describe - the way he treats you - that is abuse.

He’s trying to scare you into not going to the police, but you need to, and you need a non-molestation order too. As a PP said contact Women’s Aid, and you should also tell family or friends that you can rely on.

User576326783789 · 20/10/2023 15:37

OP, aware this is not the worst of your issues here by a long shot but if you do computer based work that requires you to use glasses then I think your employer has to make contribution to glasses. Not sure the ins and outs but it might be worth looking into to see if you can get a cheap pair just to tide you over for the time being.

Lovemusic82 · 20/10/2023 15:39

Do speak to women’s aid, then can advise you how to get him out of your house safety. It may mean you have to go and stay with family until he has calmed down. I can see why you are worried, it’s awful that he’s threatening you like this especially when you have a dc. When I kicked my ex out the police were involved, I removed all his things when he was out and left them outside, he refused to take them at first, I had changed the locks and informed the police, in the end the police took his things too him and told him not to return, eventually an injunction was placed on him and the police put me on a priority call out if he returned. It was a scary time and luckily I had friends and family near by to support me (one friend stayed over for the first few nights incase he returned). My name was on the tenancy and his wasn’t so he had no right to be here.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2023 15:40

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

Call the police.

This is a threat of violence which they would take seriously, given his record. You need to tell the police his history.

He has already had one non-mol order issued against him, and he's done time for breaching it. They don't give out non-molestation orders lightly.

He doesn't have a leg to stand on wrt the deposit or the lost chain.

You also need to call Women's Aid -
0808 2000 247
You can also contact them online.

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