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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I live with my worst nightmare.

168 replies

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:35

My partner and I have a 1 year old toddler. But he does nothing, I manage all the rent, bills, groceries, baby maintenance, chores, cooking. I work from home and take care of our little one whilst doing so and he just sleeps until 2pm I mean he said he would take care of the baby once I return to work but hardly does much. He doesn’t work and says he is looking for a job but there isn’t much effort I’m seeing. I am now worse off than I was before him, I am in debt with my energy company, I am in debt with my council tax, I am struggling to make ends meet. My glasses have been broken and I can’t afford to get them fixed as I can’t pay for the travel there and new glasses and they’re terrible smashed. I wear contacts which cost £25 a month. I couldn’t afford them this month and have run out, I literally work and cannot see a thing and have the laptop right up to my face. My partner is aware of this. My son has been wearing small under vests because I can’t afford them. I dress him in 3/4 layers as I can’t afford to buy him clothes. It is the middle of the month and I broke down to my mom and told her all this she has transferred me some money for contacts and bits for my little one and her and my sister have ordered him clothes, sock, vests for the cold weather. There are days I have to decide between a necessity for me or to get my toddler something and obvs it’s always my toddler as he comes first. 2 months ago on my period I couldn’t even afford pads and had to use tissue. My life is in tatters and I finally see it for what it is and i know im in a bad situation. He knows all this and he also knows he doesn’t help I’ve said this several times in arguments and all but nothing. He had cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and after I gave birth the first 2 months of DC life. But like a idiot at that point I forgave him and also at that point he was managing the finances it’s only since I’ve been back at work in July I manage it all. He lost his job due to prison as he broke a non mol order his ex had against him by reaching out to see his kids. I have lost his chain I say lost but I’ve misplaced it somewhere it’s £400 but this was around the beginning of this year when I was in postpartum and had only been a month that I had caught him with nudes on his phone so head wasn’t in the right place. Now he wants this necklace found and if I don’t find it he will take back everything he ever brought for me which tbf I don’t care about as it was never about things for me he can have all the shit but it’s the mindset. Last year I lost £800 because of his sentence as I had booked us a holiday I never once complained, I’ve brought him several expensive things but it never comes to my mind to take them back so that shows the kind of person he is and as does everything else he is like show it. He has also said he has had a dream I gave this chain to someone and if I don’t find it there will be questions that arise I mean I find him sickening to even say that I’ve got my flaws but I don’t and am not a cheat and wouldn’t give his stuff to anyone either who even thinks like that? So strange to me.. I’m here looking for this chain today as he keeps mentioning it every now and again and has also said to me I need to take a day off to find this chain and if I don’t find it ofc accusations will start.. I can’t fucking find it!! I don’t know if I’ve thrown it away accidentally or what but I just feel sick. Don’t judge my grammar please I’ve just sat here and wrote this emotionally

OP posts:
Dustingeverything · 20/10/2023 16:11

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2023 14:56

Then he IS violent.

You must stay safe.

Threats to kill. Horrendous and a crime.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 20/10/2023 16:13

Police and Women's Aid now.

This guy is truly a piece of shit.

He needs to leave you; you need to start rebuilding your life and confidence.

He's an abusive cocklodger with a non-mol against his ex and he's an ex-prisoner. Not a good choice of man.

cestlavielife · 20/10/2023 16:16

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

Call police now and tell them this threat
Get him out

biscuiteer · 20/10/2023 16:19

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

Oh my love, that is a threat of violence towards you, your family and potentialy your son. Please keep talking to us and we can help you to reach out to Women's Aid when it is safe to do so. This is a terribly sad and awful situation for you but it can change, you can make it change, I promise.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/10/2023 16:21

Your life will start to get better as soon as this pierce of shit is out of it @Sorrowfulsoul and I think deep down you know that. Go to the police.

billy1966 · 20/10/2023 16:21

Call the police and tell them EXACTLY what he has threatened.

To leave your child an orphan.

To hurt your family.

That is violent.

He is highly abusive.

Ring the police.

Coldinscotland · 20/10/2023 16:22

You need the police op. Then ask a friend or family member to stay with you tonight.. Keep that door locked and phone charged... You need to build a solid case to keep him away. Let the police help you. Your dc absolutely does not need him around...

Readingineading · 20/10/2023 16:23

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

He is threatening to kill you @Sorrowfulsoul , you absolutely need to tell your family and police.

MargotBamborough · 20/10/2023 16:23

OP if this is real then you and your child are in danger. You need to speak to an organisation like Women's Aid. They can help you get out of this situation.

biscuiteer · 20/10/2023 16:26

I also would not be surprised if he was hiding the chain from you. He has no care for you, none. Nor for your baby. None at all. I am so sorry but if he did he would be at the very least:
caring for the baby too whenever he needs to. He's sleeping til 2pm then does nothing.
Looking for a job or working -ex offeneders can find work and do if they want to.
Creating a safe home for his family-not threatening you like he does.
Looking after your baby so you can work but he doesn't.
Respecting you -he doesn't does he? Not one bit. You are a roof over his head and free food.

C1N1C · 20/10/2023 16:26

Don't walk, run.

ellie09 · 20/10/2023 16:26

Get out the house ASAP and quietly.

If you don't work weekends, tomorrow is ideal, and if you do, you tell them you have an emergency you need to deal with. This gives you time to work with while he is still sleeping until the afternoon.

You don't need much. Just as much as you can put in a bag you usually take out - important documents (passport, birth certificates, tenancy agreement) and a change of underwear and any medication if you take it.

Don't give any indication beforehand or panic. Let on you are taking you and your LO on a walk, or to the shop.

Once you have left the house, go to your mums. If you can't afford this, contact your mum or someone who can help you get there. Do not make plans on your phone before this, as if he looks at your phone etc he will see this.

Once you are safe in your mums, this is when you contact police. You will have support there for you, and your LO. You tell them that your partner is refusing to leave your house, despite not being on the tenancy and has threatened to kill you if you leave him. They will be able to see his previous from just having his name and they will take action THAT same day.

You need to arrange for the locks on your house to be changed, and if you cant afford this, you can ask mum for a loan or last resort you can reach out to LL and explain the situation and tell them to put the bill on your next payment instead if they can do this now.

Even with the locks changed, I would stay away from the house for a couple of weeks at least, for safety reasons. I am not sure if he will be bailed, but usually even at that, bail conditions will have that he cannot contact you or be near you, or the address or he will be arrested.

Once you return home, you lock all doors and windows religiously. If he is stupid enough to come round to the door, you tell him through the door or window to leave, and then you call 999 immediately.

I wouldn't be putting up with a lazy, abusive slob like him that contributes absolutely nothing to your life but pain and misery.

Alltheyearround · 20/10/2023 16:30

Lots of helpful advice given, but just wanted to give you a handhold.

Safely exit your situation then you can start building a better life for you and your little one. Wishing you lots of luck. It's a tough one but you can do it. Women's Aid help women like you every day.

Let us know how you get on. Safety first remember (browsing history)!

This is the most dangerous point so be guided by police - show them your post, or follow WA advice. Good Luck @Sorrowfulsoul we're all rooting for you.

losingmymind97 · 20/10/2023 16:30

This was exhausting to read, so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

You need to get him to leave and contact the police for a protection order.
Sending you lots of hugs.

littleripper · 20/10/2023 16:32

Call the police and tell them he said he would beat you for calling them. His ex did NOT get a non molestation order for fun. He is a violent dangerous criminal. Get him out of your life and protect your child.

Alltheyearround · 20/10/2023 16:34

'Eye care voucher are usually distributed by your employers to make sure you get the proper eye care you’re entitled to if you work on visual display units (VDUs) or drive for work purposes.'

Contact your manager or HR for more details (when you get to this point on your to do list) x

PlantDoctor · 20/10/2023 16:35

💐You and your baby do not deserve this terrifying life x

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2023 16:37

@Sorrowfulsoul

I know the 'common wisdom' on MN is to kick your partner out in order to keep yourself 'housed' and so as not to lose belongings. But in this case I think you need to go against that common wisdom.

There is no rental, there are no belongings that are as precious as your own life and the life of your child. You need to leave even if you leave with nothing but the clothes on your and your baby's back. Many women have done this and have successfully rebuilt their lives from scratch. You can too.

You WFM and I assume you can do that from your mum's. And listen, even if you have to sleep on the kitchen floor there and baby has to sleep in a dresser drawer, you are better off. If you have to go to a shelter, you're better off. Because you will be safe.

Does he ever leave the flat or are you 'allowed' time on your own? If so, you can alert your mum that you need to come home. I'm sure she already knows why. If not, as others have said, grab your baby, your bag & your phone under some pretext and go to the nearest police station. They will help you and keep you safe.

If he doesn't allow you out on your own, make a pretext to visit the nearest Boots pharmacy and ask for 'Annie'. They will escort you to a consultation room and call the police on your behalf.

https://www.thamesvalley.police.uk/police-forces/thames-valley-police/areas/c/campaigns/2021/ask-for-ani/#

Carpediemmakeitcount · 20/10/2023 16:44

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:37

He has also said he won’t leave without the chain if I ask him to and without the £800 deposit he put on the place I can’t save to give him that deposit back as I spend my last penny trying to make ends meet. I just don’t know

Call the police if he doesn't leave.

Peachee · 20/10/2023 16:45

Never mind waiting around for him to leave - you need to go, get out and run away far from this person. Live with your family/ contact Womens aid for refuge. It will be hard but your life will be 100000000 times better without him. It’s domestic abuse!

saythatagaintome · 20/10/2023 16:47

it would have taken less effort to pack my shit up and leave than to type out this testimonial.

What on earth are you doing with your life?

honkersbonkers38 · 20/10/2023 16:48

Very good advice - people have done this and survived. Once it's over you will likely be entitled to help from the govt - you'll not be feeding a useless man - toddlers don't eat much. You'll feel safe and free.
Good luck. (But be careful - as others have said)

AlienBabi · 20/10/2023 16:54

This sounds like my old life! I too thought how on earth did I get here! I was trapped with an emotionally abusive, controlling man I hated with no money or control of money. My DD was in really old, too small sleepsuits etc I packed all of our things one day and left to my parents house 100 miles away on the train (I asked my mum to send money for the train fare which I’m sure your mum would do too if you asked as we helped with contacts etc) and it was the best decision I ever made. With my parents help and benefits I suddenly had more than enough money to buy my DD clothes and food for us (previously I was very underweight and not eating because there wasn’t enough food for me).

I honestly urge you to just leave. You have a child, you will be supported. It’s super scary and you may end up in temporary accommodation with nothing like I did for a while, but five years later I have a home, a fiancé, two more children. Don’t let him drag you down.

ValerieGoldberg · 20/10/2023 16:54

OP when you can, please contact women’s aid or an equivalent charity. He is abusive and it is coercive abuse. He is using the idea of you talking to others and the lost chain as a way to make you feel shit and control. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he knows exactly where that chain is and is using it as a form of sick entertainment. The fact he has threatened to beat you and implied he will Jill you is absolutely disgusting. Please do whatever you can to get some support to help you get out of this situation safely.

ValerieGoldberg · 20/10/2023 16:56

@Sorrowfulsoul please please listen to @AcrossthePond55

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