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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I live with my worst nightmare.

168 replies

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:35

My partner and I have a 1 year old toddler. But he does nothing, I manage all the rent, bills, groceries, baby maintenance, chores, cooking. I work from home and take care of our little one whilst doing so and he just sleeps until 2pm I mean he said he would take care of the baby once I return to work but hardly does much. He doesn’t work and says he is looking for a job but there isn’t much effort I’m seeing. I am now worse off than I was before him, I am in debt with my energy company, I am in debt with my council tax, I am struggling to make ends meet. My glasses have been broken and I can’t afford to get them fixed as I can’t pay for the travel there and new glasses and they’re terrible smashed. I wear contacts which cost £25 a month. I couldn’t afford them this month and have run out, I literally work and cannot see a thing and have the laptop right up to my face. My partner is aware of this. My son has been wearing small under vests because I can’t afford them. I dress him in 3/4 layers as I can’t afford to buy him clothes. It is the middle of the month and I broke down to my mom and told her all this she has transferred me some money for contacts and bits for my little one and her and my sister have ordered him clothes, sock, vests for the cold weather. There are days I have to decide between a necessity for me or to get my toddler something and obvs it’s always my toddler as he comes first. 2 months ago on my period I couldn’t even afford pads and had to use tissue. My life is in tatters and I finally see it for what it is and i know im in a bad situation. He knows all this and he also knows he doesn’t help I’ve said this several times in arguments and all but nothing. He had cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and after I gave birth the first 2 months of DC life. But like a idiot at that point I forgave him and also at that point he was managing the finances it’s only since I’ve been back at work in July I manage it all. He lost his job due to prison as he broke a non mol order his ex had against him by reaching out to see his kids. I have lost his chain I say lost but I’ve misplaced it somewhere it’s £400 but this was around the beginning of this year when I was in postpartum and had only been a month that I had caught him with nudes on his phone so head wasn’t in the right place. Now he wants this necklace found and if I don’t find it he will take back everything he ever brought for me which tbf I don’t care about as it was never about things for me he can have all the shit but it’s the mindset. Last year I lost £800 because of his sentence as I had booked us a holiday I never once complained, I’ve brought him several expensive things but it never comes to my mind to take them back so that shows the kind of person he is and as does everything else he is like show it. He has also said he has had a dream I gave this chain to someone and if I don’t find it there will be questions that arise I mean I find him sickening to even say that I’ve got my flaws but I don’t and am not a cheat and wouldn’t give his stuff to anyone either who even thinks like that? So strange to me.. I’m here looking for this chain today as he keeps mentioning it every now and again and has also said to me I need to take a day off to find this chain and if I don’t find it ofc accusations will start.. I can’t fucking find it!! I don’t know if I’ve thrown it away accidentally or what but I just feel sick. Don’t judge my grammar please I’ve just sat here and wrote this emotionally

OP posts:
itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 20/10/2023 15:40

If you really want him out, pick up your DC, walk out and go to the nearest police station or public place and phone the police, tell them what you've said here, tell them you're scared, tell them he's threatening you, tell them about the non mol order on his ex.
They'll help you.
He's very clever with the threats, he won't be so clever when the police turn up.
It's your name on the tenancy, he had no right to stay there if you want him gone, he's practically holding you hostage with his threats to you and your family.
Forget the necklace and the deposit, those issues, alongside the threats are to keep you towing the line, he's quite happy with you putting a roof over his head, food on the table etc.
He needs you right where you are, housing him, feeding him, looking after DC while he lays in bed.
Take his power away, do it now, phone or go to the police.

LeefsPrings · 20/10/2023 15:42

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

Well you tell that to the police.

It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he hasn't taken that gold chain himself and sold or pawned it, and is now blaming you for losing it.

Call the police and have him removed from your home.

Forgotmylogindetails · 20/10/2023 15:44

He is abusing you.

im sorry but he’s a cunt, I have been there and it took me 9 years to go.

please see your worth xx

thequeenoftarts · 20/10/2023 15:50

Your poor girl, thats bloody awful that you are putting up with this from him. I wish I could give you a big hug then help you get far away from him.

First off ring the police, abuse can be physical or/and emotional. Just because he hasn't YET battered you half to death, doesn't mean he wont. Thats a very serious threat he has made to leave you dead and your child an orphan. That needs urgent dealing with.
The police will remove him, help you get better locks on your doors, and a panic alarm but if the tenancy is ending and you can move back home to your Mom's then I would go, esp if you can work from home. One the tenancy is over he can have his deposit back.

You need to get a safety and barring order against him for wherever you live, supervised only access for your child if he pushes for that, the reason you need to log it all with the police is so they can help you stop him seeing your child. You can also check with the police has he a record under Claires law, owing to him being around your child.
He has the chain I am sure of it and is holding it over your head to blackmail you and threaten you.

If you can order a mooncup or diva cup then that will end the need for pads, they last for 10 years. Much more economical if you can get used to using one. Best thing I ever did.

I wish you well and hope you find the courage to get out and away from him xx

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/10/2023 15:51

Yep, get the kid, go for ' a walk to the park' and go to the police station and tell them he won't leave and he is threatening to beat you if you speak to police, and he already has previous for abusive behaviour.

The tenancy is yours, he has no right to be there and with his history the police will take you seriously.

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 15:51

If you are WFH you can do that from your mums house. If tenancy in your name you could have him removed but for safety I think you should go stay with your mum.

Barney60 · 20/10/2023 15:52

I understand you can not afford to get the locks changed, whats the point he will smash a window or stay outside possibly banging shouting until you let him.
Is there any chance you can look for another property nearer to your family dont tell him, when hes out just go will family help you to do this or a friend?

He will bring nothing but misery to you and your child who is your priority now.

The chain money you can tell him its maintenance for his child once youve left, chances are hes sold it himself.

Some good advice on here, women's aid believe me will help.

AbbeyGailsParty · 20/10/2023 15:52

Call Women’s Aid.
Call police. Say you want him removed due to the threats he has made ( exactly as you have stated above)
If your property is HA or council contact them immediately and say the locks need to be changed due to a threat to your life.
Do NOT speak to him, contact him, just get this waste of oxygen out of your life, and your child’s. He sounds vile.

2jacqi · 20/10/2023 15:53

well you know what you need to do! if this is your worst nightmare (and it would be mine too) you need to get some stuff together and just leave. tell council or landlord you are leaving. see if your mum can put u up for a couple of weeks.

Whattodo112222 · 20/10/2023 15:57

I couldn't get with a guy who had a non molestation order.

Get rid OP. He's bad news

AInightingale · 20/10/2023 15:57

Are you worried that if the courts slap a NMO on him, he will break it, as he did his ex's? That's understandable. But his offending is so bad (ex con and pattern of non-compliance/abuse) that the police may lock him up. You are in danger and you must get this across to them. He should be behind bars and out of your lives. Few more locks on the doors isn't peace of mind for you, you still have to go out.

I am hoping that the police have learned lessons by now and treat domestic abuse seriously. If they don't put him in custody, you should think about a refuge.

Gettingbysomehow · 20/10/2023 15:58

Somertime · 20/10/2023 14:46

If your name is in the tenancy then you can get rid of him. When he is out, get the locks changed and put his stuff on the doorstep. If he kicks, off call the police immediately.
If he wants the money for the deposit then tell him you will pay once he's paid you for the lost holiday and bills.
It will only get worse the longer you stay with him. I know this from experience.
You will be financially and emotionally better off without him but it will be hard in the short term.

Edited

This 100 times over. You need to get tough on this arsehole for your childs sake. Do this and don't give in. Make sure the police are called when he starts kicking off.
Apply for CMA - mean business and above all DO NOT give him the £800 back. Its tough shit if he doesn't get it. It will do in lieu of maintenance.

GG1986 · 20/10/2023 15:59

Call woman's aid.
Keep all threatening texts for proof.
Protect your son, do not leave him with this man.
Get him out of your house and you will get more help from benefits.

SalmonWellington · 20/10/2023 15:59

I'd bet £50 he's pawned or sold the chain and is gaslighting you.

SalmonWellington · 20/10/2023 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Posted in the wrong place.

sassyduck · 20/10/2023 16:01

Please please phone the police or get your mum to come and get you. You sound like are in danger. Do it for your child!

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 20/10/2023 16:01

sell the expensive things you bought him pay for the glasses and the debt

Pudmyboy · 20/10/2023 16:03

Sorrowfulsoul · 20/10/2023 14:56

His not violent but his told me if the police get involved he will return and he will get me or my family and even if that means our son is left an orphan

He is violent, in your next post you say he has threatened to beat you... please get help, Women's Aid, police, family, friends, you aren't safe and neither is your child

MyNewGenericUsername · 20/10/2023 16:04

Honestly, even though he doesn't deserve the house and things, in your shoes I would pick up my baby and flee back to my mum's then begin to disentangle myself as quickly as possible, e.g:

  • Get own bank account and child benefit etc paid in there.
  • Apply for universal credit.
  • Give notice for your portion of the rent.
  • Take yourself off the other bills for current house.
viques · 20/10/2023 16:07

If he already has a record for breaking a non mol order in a previous relationship then when you call the police they will know exactly what to do to protect you legally from his threats. He is a violent man, despite what you say, his previous history and the threats he is making to you prove it. You must get out of this relationship as quickly as you can.

caramac04 · 20/10/2023 16:07

Not rtft but can see he is controlling and abusive as well as a useless cheat. I bet he’s took the chain and sold it. Gaslighting you.
You definitely need to get rid of this awful cocklodger.

UnevenBalance · 20/10/2023 16:08

Oh @Sorrowfulsoul that’s such a awful place to be in.

I actually disagree with posters who say to kick him out.
This partner if yours is a dangerous criminal. He will do to you what he has done to his ex. And he ended up in prison for it. He has threatened to kill you and I would take that threat VERY seriously.

So please, please be careful.
Contact Woman Aid when he is not around. Delete the number from your phone once you’ve called them. Delete your Internet history in case he comes across that thread or any searches you might have done.
Then follow Woman Aid advice on how to get out.

You absolutely need to protect yourself and your ds first and foremost.
And that means not letting him know you are serious about leaving. Because you’ll have to be. He is only going to get worse and worse.

Dillane · 20/10/2023 16:08

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 20/10/2023 15:40

If you really want him out, pick up your DC, walk out and go to the nearest police station or public place and phone the police, tell them what you've said here, tell them you're scared, tell them he's threatening you, tell them about the non mol order on his ex.
They'll help you.
He's very clever with the threats, he won't be so clever when the police turn up.
It's your name on the tenancy, he had no right to stay there if you want him gone, he's practically holding you hostage with his threats to you and your family.
Forget the necklace and the deposit, those issues, alongside the threats are to keep you towing the line, he's quite happy with you putting a roof over his head, food on the table etc.
He needs you right where you are, housing him, feeding him, looking after DC while he lays in bed.
Take his power away, do it now, phone or go to the police.

This

Please contact the Police

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 20/10/2023 16:10

I am also desperately hoping that this is not real.

but I know that it unfortunately is the reality for too many.

I am echoing what others said:
take your girl, the most important documents (birth certificate, tenancy agreement, passport), credit cards and small valuables you would not forgive yourself if they got “lost” (in my case that would be a pendant given to me by my grandmother).

Go to your mum’s.
If impossible you could also go to a library or coworking space. Somewhere with people.

He sleeps until 2pm, so that should give you time.

call women’s aid and contact the police. tell them that he threatened you, your family etc and that you want him out of your apartment.