Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

[Sxs]

Yes or No?

Yes, undoubtedly.

Cheating isn't a measure of how much you love the other person.

I haven’t met or heard of anyone in real life who has been indifferent to a partner cheating on them unless it was in a specific context eg. The marriage was dead and they were already looking towards separation. Or they were initially upset but then started to bury their head in the sand as a defense mechanism to being with a serial cheat.

It’s really not just a Mumsnet thing to be devastated by cheating.

Yes, sometimes, although more often I think the either don’t or their love has faded.

I don’t know that is matters though? If you feel betrayed it doesn’t make many odds if the person loved you or not. People often love people that are bad for them, or are loved by people that are bad for them. A successful relationship needs a lot more than love.

You haven’t and I have. I honestly wouldn’t be particularly bothered. I suppose there are also cultural differences at play, but this is the case for most women I know well (friends and family).

It’s not just an MN thing to be devastated by cheating. However, the people who aren’t devastated by cheating have no reason to post on MN about how cheating didn’t/wouldn’t devastate them. And if they did, I suspect some people would react poorly.

Yes. Look up Esther Perel on infidelity.

No.

No. If you love someone, you don't want to betray them or hurt them. If you love someone, you don't look elsewhere or give in to temptation.

no

No, not in a mutally monogamous relationship.

I've seen couples have ons and proclaim to be still in love with their partner, the fact is the relationship was probably not mature/intellegent enough at least on one side of the partnership in the first place.

Affairs, well they're even worse because some fool thinks they love their partner but also a side relationship whereby they want extra fun, an ego boost, taking another persons love for granted and expecting two people to love them, it is going to be a pretty shallow, stupid person and again not capable of a mature honest caring two way relationship.

So no, stupid people don't love, they only take and cheaters are usually very immature selfish people.

You have to go right back to the beggining and recognise the dynamics of the early days and truly be honest that what you've fallen in love with is a competetive, non sharing, selfish, unreasonable air head.

We do pick em.

yes.

for some people love and sex can be separate. I am female and could theoretically cheat while still loving DH.

I wouldn't as it is part of my moral code not to. but it is n

don't know how to edit and post too soon!

to recap i don't because of own moral code even if i could guarantee he would never know . But it would not be reflective of my love for dh - that is there regardless - which is why it wouldn't matter if he never knew

Devastated as in hitting my confidence no. Cheating says a lot about the cheater but nothing about the cheated’s worth.

Sad - but not devastated - about the betrayal yes. I don’t think I would continue the relationship after this. In terms of “losing the man” I wouldn’t give a toss. I have the tendency to dislike men who behave badly. I cannot like them after that. I like kind hearted men. Life is short, opportunity for renewal. Theee are so many wonderful men out there.

I would be absolutely devastated If I had children though because of the impact on them. This would be difficult to deal with and it’s the reason many people suck it and “forgive”. The problem would be not that he did this to me, the problem would be that he did this to his children.

Did you mean to respond to me? As it’s written like you’re responding to questions and I didn’t ask any and most of those points have little to do with my comment.

Good that’s how you feel, I guess? Some people feel differently.

DItto. I think my ex loved me - his actions and words certainly seemed to suggest this just before he started having an affair - but it takes a second for some men (and probably women) to have their head turned and ego flattered and sometimes these feelings are more powerful than the 'comfortable' love you feel for a spouse. It's when the new, all consuming feelings inevitably fade you realise what an idiot you were.

Some people don't have the ability to consider what the consequences might be if their spouse were to find out about their infidelity. They really don't. They just think that they won't be found out. These people may genuinely love their partner but not have the ability to imagine what distress their partner might feel if their infidelity were to be discovered. It's linked to compartmentalisation as well. He loves his wife but she's in the wife box which is firmly shut when she's not physically present with him.

Those people who believe they 'love' their partner, and can cheat, or who believe that their partner 'loves' them even though they cheat, are using 'love' the way people do when they say they 'love' their new iPhone or car.

If someone genuinely believed it was ok to cheat, then they wouldn't, they'd just tell their partner what they were doing, in the same way they'd discuss any other hobby.

They lie, obfuscate and betray on a daily basis because they know what they are doing is wrong, but their own desires are more important to them than the well-being of the person they supposedly 'love'.

It's not love. It's possession, and that's why so many cheats don't want to lose their original partner - they feel they own them and so are entitled to their kibbles.

Very good comments. After the infatuation fades we wake up and think “what have I done”? I do understand that we are humans, but hurting people who love us and we love, especially our children, is a no go

I think for some people it could be very easy to love someone and still cheat.

I'm not particularly monogamous. DP is. Fundamentally, I don't see anything wrong with cheating, as long as it doesn't hurt DP.

The thing is, I don't think it's possible to cheat and guarantee that I won't hurt her. I can't 100% mitigate the risk that she'll find out, or I'll get an STI, or she sense that I'm putting my energy elsewhere etc.

So I don't cheat, not because I'm innately monogamous, but because I love my DP and would never willingly hurt her.

But there are a lot of people who are way cockier than me. Who think that they can manage the risk, who think they can cheat and get away with it. Who think that if their partner never finds out, then no harm is done. They love their partner, they don't want to hurt their partner, but they don't get that it's spectacularly difficult to hide an affair, and so they take that risk.

The question is, is monogamy normal for people? Is it possible to not be attracted by someone else during a long term relationship?
Personally I have never cheated because 1. I am very honest and direct and don’t want to lie 2. I love my husband and I cannot even think of him being sad because of my betrayal 3. To end up sleeping with someone for me it means I have a deep connection ie I will leave the previous relationship.
However, what If my partner went on a business trip and slept with someone on a drunken night? Would I like to know? What If I found out? Tbh I would be more concerned for an STD rather than the actual cheating. Don’t know though. Easier said than done as I am not aware if it has ever happened.

I don't think monogamy is particularly "normal". We don't love only one of our children, we don't pick a parent to love and sod the other one. Why is romantic love different.

At the end of the day monogamy is a social construct born of the fact that our children take so long to mature. Patriarchal society decided that we wanted "our" women looking after our kids, and not buggering off and having other kids with other men, and so we ended up with marriage, and being tied to each other until death. All the while it was assumed that the menfolk would go and have their mistresses etc.

You only have to look at the divorce rate to see that for a lot of people, "till death do us part" doesn't work. I think at some point in the future we'll see a lot more "temporary monogamy", where the stigma of divorce and splitting from your child's other parent lessens even further than it has over the last 50 years.

People will go into relationships knowing that they likely have an end date, and there'll be far less drama when the people in the relationship change and grow and it comes time to end it.

That's my theory anyway.

I agree with you. I think only the “till death do us apart” puts a lot of psycological pressure on people. I don’t know how it is possible to not be attracted to someone else. I had two major crashes during my marriage. If I had acted on those I know I would have left. So I didn’t. But I didn’t because society is telling me not to, so I had to do the right thing? Or because I really didn’t want to? What is the difference between me and a cheater? Is it that I have more ethics or is it that I chickened out and was too scared of fulfilling my desires? I am now at a situation though that I suspect my husband is cheating. Should I regret not pursuing these two men and experience their lust/love/infatuation/whatever?

Anyway. Big questions. I think we are just voicing what everyone deep inside thinks but is afraid to admit. I feel that in MN if you dare to question monogamy you are gonna get shot down.

*People will go into relationships knowing that they likely have an
end date, and there'll be far less drama when the people in the
relationship change and grow and it comes time to end it.

That's my theory anyway.*

A theory that will see fewer men getting the best woman they can get for the pairing of making a child.

What women would seriously take the promise of* *having a mate that has a normalised get out option, women want the best possible partner for the survival of their cildren.
You are putting too much emphasis on sex, pair bonding is for producing children and ensuring those children have the best chance of survival and ongoing genes.

Do you really think sex lifes are important or romantic encounters, it's just a side dish of life, just like having a craving for anything you want, chocolate, booze, fags, if you are more evolved then you find someone who can be by your side through life, your warrior, your protecter to carry on the genes in the best way.

Many people will fall short of being great parents in many ways but infedelity is up there amoungst one of the sure fire ways of being a deficient parent.*
*

The same goes for women. I really don’t think that it’s only men cheating. In my experience women do cheat equally to men.

Yes.

I did it, and I'll tell you why.

I married young at 21 after being with my ex since I was 16. I thought he was the love of my life.

After we married, he became abusive. Verbally to start, then physical. Everyone was commenting on how poorly he treated me. After over a year of this, I snapped and had a mental breakdown.

I cheated numerous times, with numerous men. I didn't feel anything as I felt numb to what was going on at home and was trying everything to try and feel some type of affection.

He found out because I told him. He gave me another chance but used it against me and the abuse escalated to the point I felt exactly the same again. So I left him this time.

Despite the cheating, I loved him very much and I wanted him to change so we could have our "forever". The lesson I learned from this though, is that the second I feel like I need another man to satisfy a need, I will leave this time instead of contributing to my own mental breakdown.

I've had a few relationships since that I have never cheated in so I don't believe that "once a cheater always a cheater" also.

I do feel bad for what I did, and at times I grieve my marriage loss. But he wasn't good for me, and I turned into someone I thought I would never be.

Yes I think so.