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Original poster

Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

201 replies

Sxs · 19/10/2023 16:02

Yes or No?

OP posts:
MrsKurdtCobain · 19/10/2023 19:39

No

Because they dont love themselves nor have any self respect.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 19:39

i must say I am surprised at how many men cheat when a baby is on the way. Why donthey do that?

Maybe from a very primitive point of view, they've knocked up one woman and she's going to be out of action reproductively, as it were, for a while - pregnancy, birth, weaning etc. So their brain is telling them to take any opportunity to knock another woman up while they can't do anything further with woman no 1. They also think if they do it on the sly, woman no 1 will hopefully not find out and will remain their partner and probably have future kids (they won't lose out due to it).

Obviously most people are not actively thinking about reproduction when they're pursuing sex, quite the opposite - but it is pretty much the sole reason they're wired to pursue it (and until recently any incident if sex could well produce a pregnancy).

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 19:44

In saying the above - there's apparently a range of behaviour re infidelity in humans. Some people are a. entirely monogamous, some b. mostly monogamous, and some c. serial/constant cheaters.

So maybe the men who think and act like that above are in category b or c. Whereas you could get a man in category a. But who knows what percentage they are.

Obviously in "recent" times ... Some people in category b would turn into a due to religious beliefs.

But I doubt religious beliefs had much effect on cat c.
Apparently cat c is demonstrable genetically.

MrsKurdtCobain · 19/10/2023 19:47

@GilberMarkham

Can you evidence that?

Apparently cat c is demonstrable genetically.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 19:52

It's called the loverat gene lol.

A variant of D something or other gene, and related to how we process dopamine and a lack of vasopressin.

It's not a simple, isolated cause, of course; other factors interact with it.

InSpainTheRain · 19/10/2023 19:55

Yes. Sex be just.sex.

Yewdontknowme · 19/10/2023 20:10

It depends.

If one partner is sexting and having essentially an emotional affair can they love their OH? I’m not so sure. It seems so calculated and sneaky. That doesn’t happen in isolation and they’re aware over a long period of time how they’re disregarding marriage vows and the feelings of their OH. That isn’t the behaviour of someone who loves you.

If one partner has sex one time while drunk it could well be purely sex and love is less relevant in that moment but it still highlights a problem of lack of respect or will power or consideration.

People who love each other don’t hurt each other.

Whatwereyouthinking · 19/10/2023 20:21

I think they can as some people are very good at compartmentalising.

But I think it’s a selfish love - I.e. they love what you are for them and how you make them feel. Not the purer unselfish love of wanting to make sure they are what you need / considering the consequences of their actions.

Spacecowboys · 19/10/2023 20:29

Yes - cheating isn’t a sign that the love has gone. But it is a sign that the respect has. Whether a couple can get that back is individual to them.

Mrsgreen100 · 19/10/2023 20:31

NO

ManyATrueWord · 19/10/2023 20:31

They may love you and still cheat but they don't love you enough to put you first, to refrain from disrespecting you, lying and breaking promises they made to you. They didn't love you enough to practice self restraint. So I wouldn't call that love good enough.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 20:38

Yewdontknowme · 19/10/2023 20:10

It depends.

If one partner is sexting and having essentially an emotional affair can they love their OH? I’m not so sure. It seems so calculated and sneaky. That doesn’t happen in isolation and they’re aware over a long period of time how they’re disregarding marriage vows and the feelings of their OH. That isn’t the behaviour of someone who loves you.

If one partner has sex one time while drunk it could well be purely sex and love is less relevant in that moment but it still highlights a problem of lack of respect or will power or consideration.

People who love each other don’t hurt each other.

I feel the same. Anything that takes an iota of hiding or premeditation feels way more hurtful than a drunken fumble. Its the deception, the planning i found hardest to deal with.

I guess there are now sub categories for cheaters 🤷🏻‍♀️ the opportunists, the sneaky planners, the dopes who get pissed and snogged someone.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 19/10/2023 20:52

Not enough to not cheat and therefore not enough to be worthy of your love in return. That's all you need to know.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 21:01

Yes

Lili132 · 19/10/2023 21:30

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 19:39

i must say I am surprised at how many men cheat when a baby is on the way. Why donthey do that?

Maybe from a very primitive point of view, they've knocked up one woman and she's going to be out of action reproductively, as it were, for a while - pregnancy, birth, weaning etc. So their brain is telling them to take any opportunity to knock another woman up while they can't do anything further with woman no 1. They also think if they do it on the sly, woman no 1 will hopefully not find out and will remain their partner and probably have future kids (they won't lose out due to it).

Obviously most people are not actively thinking about reproduction when they're pursuing sex, quite the opposite - but it is pretty much the sole reason they're wired to pursue it (and until recently any incident if sex could well produce a pregnancy).

Edited

Human don't have sex only for purpose of procreation. Sex for primates has huge role in bonding and relieving stress as well.
Also women in many cultures used to control their fertility with herbs, cycle tracking and even abortion.

It just shows how complex we are. We adapt to our environment and culture.

Bature · 19/10/2023 21:37

Syrupyslop · 19/10/2023 16:20

But that's not love, is it? Because the cheater is entirely looking at it from their perspective. Love would mean looking at it from the spouse's perspective and not doing something that would hurt and devastate them.

Show quote history

Firstly, it wouldn’t necessarily devastate the spouse. You’re presupposing a set of circumstances that aren’t always the case.

Secondly, people hurt people they love all the time. In all sorts of ways. It doesn’t cancel out the existence of love. People are deeply fallible creatures.

BethTalk2thehandpodcast · 19/10/2023 21:40

There are different types of love. Cheating on you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it isn’t the kind of love I would want from my DH.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 21:55

Human don't have sex only for purpose of procreation. Sex for primates has huge role in bonding and relieving stress as well.

Bonding is a lesser function.

The primary, fundamental function of sex was obviously reproduction.

And that still underlies a lot of human behaviour; including opportunistic cheating while in pair bonded/supposedly monogamous couples.

A lot of opportunistic sneaky cheating on men's behalf's is thought to be seed spreading/gene spreading. Producing as many offspring as possible; even with women he doesn't pair off with or support ... There's a chance the offspring will survive.

On female behalf's opportunistic sneaky cheating is thought to be to; vary their offspring's genes (and the gene pool) and - very commonly - to produce offspring with perceived alpha males (including dark triad males) who are not single or available or who won't commit to & pair bond with them (but will have sex with them) while maintaining the support & resources of non alpha, non dark triad etc. males who will commit.
They are even proven to choose different types when ovulating, compared to not ovulating.

It is - almost entirely - about reproduction, even if we've thrown a giant spanner in the works with contraception in recent times (obviously a tiny fraction of time compared to human evolution).

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 22:00

Firstly, it wouldn’t necessarily devastate the spouse.

Being cheated on profoundly affects most people.

Read this forum.

And men's forums are the same on the subject.

PermanentTemporary · 19/10/2023 22:02

Yes.

Especially in MN world where 'cheating' can equal having a flirty lunch with someone, or a kiss.

But even if we're exclusively talking about cheating as in sex... of course.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 22:04

Secondly, people hurt people they love all the time. In all sorts of ways. It doesn’t cancel out the existence of love.

Infidelity is in a special category of its own though.

Most people won't consider anything much as bad as it.

If you look at the causes of arrests, serious injuries and even deaths in relationships (aside from domestic abuse) .... Infidelity is usually the linchpin in all of them.

And ask a solicitor who does any family law/divorce what what underlies most of their cases...and the unhinged behaviour of clients in their cases.

Bature · 19/10/2023 22:37

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 22:00

Firstly, it wouldn’t necessarily devastate the spouse.

Being cheated on profoundly affects most people.

Read this forum.

And men's forums are the same on the subject.

It profoundly affects the people who post on this forum (and others) about it profoundly affecting them, yes. However, that’s a self selecting group. People are hardly going to post ‘DP had a ONS, I’d rather he hadn’t, but it’s not a massive deal’. What would be the point?

Some people would be devastated, some wouldn’t.

Bature · 19/10/2023 22:38

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 22:04

Secondly, people hurt people they love all the time. In all sorts of ways. It doesn’t cancel out the existence of love.

Infidelity is in a special category of its own though.

Most people won't consider anything much as bad as it.

If you look at the causes of arrests, serious injuries and even deaths in relationships (aside from domestic abuse) .... Infidelity is usually the linchpin in all of them.

And ask a solicitor who does any family law/divorce what what underlies most of their cases...and the unhinged behaviour of clients in their cases.

Edited

Nothing you’ve said invalidates the quoted text.

Openocean · 19/10/2023 22:43

Sadly no. I think it’s possible that they love the person as much as they possibly can, but that’s not a whole lot in my opinion. They are likely cold hearted, don’t really see women as real people, or extremely insecure to the point of inverted narcissism. There are definitely ways of saving a relationship like that if you want to but if you can, I’d say run for the hills

Shimla999 · 19/10/2023 23:05

PurpleMonkeys · 19/10/2023 16:22

No

Or to put it another way.

Of someone truly loved you, they would do everything in their power to ensure you never hurt, never cry, always feel loved and would never betray trust. Cheating proves they don't give a toss about your feeling, your trust, you crying etc.

I agree 100% with this - that's my definition of love - caring about another person and never wanting them to feel hurt, sad, or betrayed.