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Original poster

Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

201 replies

Sxs · 19/10/2023 16:02

Yes or No?

OP posts:
SantaBarbaraMonica · 19/10/2023 16:30

Yes they can. But that love is worth Jack shit in my opinion so they could fucking keep it.

What value is love without empathy, care and respect?

TeaGinandFags · 19/10/2023 16:31

I think thevreal question is can you put up with thst shit and still love them?

I'd say no.

Or have a friendship, but you'd see the carnage that cheating leaves in its wake.

Leave them. They're not worth the heartache. No one is.

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 16:36

Absolutely yes. Love and lust are two different things. During the course of a marriage one spouse may be attracted to someone else and may be too weak to resist. This doesn’t mean they do not love theor spouse.
Still though, you don’t want to be with a weak person, so leave him

Whattodowithit88 · 19/10/2023 16:37

I’ve seen this from the other side, it’s not love.
They want the security of you always being there and are happy to say or do (appear to do) what ever it takes to keep you on board as a safety net so they can go play the field as you threaten you won’t put up with it…but you do, so your valuable, because it’s not as easy as you think to find a sucker who constantly tolerates it.

LadyBird1973 · 19/10/2023 16:39

I think so. Some people compartmentalise or don't have an emotional connection to sex.
Or they don't think about the emotional impact on their partner.
But I think cheaters are inherently selfish and habitual lying (which invariably comes with cheating) is something that kills all respect I have for a person.

If a person cheats once and sees the absolute devastation it causes to their partner and never does it again, I would say that their love for their partner is real because they've changed their behaviour on account of the damage they are responsible for and never want to repeat. If a person sees all that and does it again, then I'd say that they feel for their partner isn't love, because it wasn't enough to overcome their inherent selflessness and entitlement.

Thehonestybox · 19/10/2023 16:40

Yes (could be a total drunken mistake, and you can love two people at once), but even so, it doesn't really matter if they love you or not

What matters is - could you still love them

NotYourHolidayDick · 19/10/2023 16:40

I can. I love DH, I really do. But I also have ADHD and ASD and can be very self pleasing! Sex is just sex, I don't see it connected with deeper feelings.

Electrictache · 19/10/2023 16:44

Yes I think you can genuinely love someone and still cheat. I think to say you can't is too simplistic.

It doesn't mean it's ok, it doesn't mean they're a good person or that you should forgive them.

Context is important but it's ok to have cheating as an absolute red line.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2023 16:46

Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

Their 'love' would have to be quite shallow, wouldn't it? Superficial. To be incapable of seeing that their cheating would hurt the person they claim to love.

So it's a NO from me.

If they're willing to cheat, to prioritise fleeting sexual gratification (or worse, a second relationship) over what should be the foundation of their joint life with their partner, then their relationship is not founded in love, but in - convenience.Sad

Screamingabdabz · 19/10/2023 16:47

I’m in the ‘sex is just a physical act’ group but to be intimate with someone else outside of a monogamous commitment - that’s the most damaging form of disrespectful and betrayal of trust.

So if the ‘love’ is felt in the abstract, then yes, it exists, but the behaviour and betrayal negates that completely.

Velvetbee · 19/10/2023 16:48

Yes.

rocknrollaa · 19/10/2023 16:51

Yes they can, but it doesn't mean you should stay with them. When this happens it means there is something missing in the relationship or the person or both.

Vocaladvocaat · 19/10/2023 16:52

Yes.

Insecurity
drink/drugs
peer pressure Eg stag night
ldr
etc

Meniscus · 19/10/2023 16:54

Yes, of course. There are as many reasons for having sex with someone other than your partner as there are people having sex with someone other than their spouse.

Mn has a weirdly black and white attitude to adultery. Frankly, given the behaviours routinely described as normal on here , I would have said adultery was just in the same ballpark. I could certainly understand someone going after sexual variety more easily than I could someone putting up with a partner who doesn’t do half the parenting and household gruntwork. If you can genuinely love your wife but regard your children together as your wife’s issue because your only role is being breadwinner, then you can genuinely love your wife and sleep with Chloe from Accounts.

Ihonestlydontgetit · 19/10/2023 16:55

No. I love my husband so much I'd never hurt him by cheating.

category12 · 19/10/2023 16:58

The word or feeling of "love" can be overly valued: it can be offered as a sop to override a whole lot of other crap, like a magic word to erase all ills.

It doesn't.

Resilience · 19/10/2023 17:06

Yes. Whether or not someone cheats depends on all sorts of factors. Some people genuinely love their spouse but are weak or selfish or in some cases genuinely believe what they don't know can't hurt them.

What's far more telling is the associated behaviours, such as gaslighting, constant nitpicking, etc. Anyone who treats their partner like that is showing a huge level of disrespect. If love isn't accompanied by respect it's not worth having.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 19/10/2023 17:08

I think they can love you in an, “I love you so much, you can’t leave me” sense but not in an, “I love you so much, I never want to hurt you” sense, so the love is purely selfish, if that makes sense?

Specso · 19/10/2023 17:09

If they’ve had a long term love affair then no. They probably love you in a family type way but not in the way you want them to.

A drunk one night stand..maybe they do love you and there probably weren’t any feelings involved but their behaviour is so shit that you probably should rethink whether you love them.

Snowdayplease · 19/10/2023 17:10

PurpleMonkeys · 19/10/2023 16:22

No

Or to put it another way.

Of someone truly loved you, they would do everything in their power to ensure you never hurt, never cry, always feel loved and would never betray trust. Cheating proves they don't give a toss about your feeling, your trust, you crying etc.

Not

Ribena20 · 19/10/2023 17:13

I vote yes. Sometimes sex is just sex.

Snowdayplease · 19/10/2023 17:13

Oops. We would have to then say that it's not real love if someone doesn't look after you all the time, forgets to do the dishes, doesn't take on 50% of the mental load etc. DH doing nothing about his snoring makes me cry.
Perhaps all these things mean there isn't "real" love, but it does seem a very high standard.

Fogwisp · 19/10/2023 17:13

Yes, when I cheated on my ex I was deeply in love with him (and still am 20 years later) but I was desperately lonely because he'd withdrawn from sex and was often grumpy or wanted a lot of time alone, so I felt very confused and rejected.

crumpet · 19/10/2023 17:14

Yes. They might love you, but simply love and prioritise themselves more.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 19/10/2023 17:16

Nope.