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Original poster

Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

201 replies

Sxs · 19/10/2023 16:02

Yes or No?

OP posts:
jadey1991 · 19/10/2023 17:18

Yes. Just because someone lo es you doesn't mean they wouldn't cheat

Allthecheeseplease · 19/10/2023 17:24

Yes

beigevase · 19/10/2023 17:26

It's what they do after that tells you if they love you. How the act. How remorseful they are.

But does it really matter? They fucked up - what matters is you.

Everyone loves in different ways anyway. Someone could be absolutely madly in love with you and still cheat for whatever reason. You have to ask yourself is that the way you want to be loved?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 19/10/2023 17:27

I can't. If I'm in love, I can't cheat.

I view sex as just sex in a lot of ways and it wouldn't be the actual act that would bother me but the disrespect, betrayal, lies etc that would be the bigger issue.

I also think a one off is very different to a long term affair but I wouldn't tolerate either.

VerityUnreasonble · 19/10/2023 17:27

Yes.

People are complicated.

I love lots of people in my life, family, friends, DCs, DH. There are other people I have loved in the past. Love isn't finite in supply. You can love more than one person, even in a romantic way.

At times I am sure I have done things some of those people have found hurtful in one way or another. I am sure there have been times I've been thoughtless or self involved. I still love those people.

I do think cheating often shows a lack of respect and it is often a sensible reason to end a relationship. I don't think it means love has just stopped, it's not that black and white.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 19/10/2023 17:28

Of course they can.

Sex and love and not the same thing, and one does not necessitate the other.

Isometimeswonder · 19/10/2023 17:30

Dinoswearunderpants · 19/10/2023 16:04

Yes they can love you but not respect you if they cheat.

I agree with this.
I wouldn't stay with someone who did this, as they obviously don't think my feelings are important.

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 17:31

Ribena20 · 19/10/2023 17:13

I vote yes. Sometimes sex is just sex.

There is also the element of infatuation, especially in long term relationships. Someone may fall in love (lust actually) and not be able to control their feelings or actions. We are all humans. That is not to say that you should stay with them. But it should say that it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
Of course once infatuation fades and reality hits home 8 times out of 10 they regret leaving their previous partners. After 1 year to 18 months dopamine levels drop and you start seeing that your new lover is not as perfect as you thought. You go after your previous spouse but hey ho. He/she has moved on.

C1N1C · 19/10/2023 17:32

Dick gotta dick...

Seriously though. No

Somanycats · 19/10/2023 17:32

Yes of course they can. Loads of people don't think love has anything to do with sex. I don't as it goes. I could cheerfully have sex with any number of people and it would have zero impact on how much I loved my DH. I don't do it, but thats more because I'm not that interested in sex than because of any moral compunction

Astonymission · 19/10/2023 17:36

category12 · 19/10/2023 16:19

Pretty sure my ex loved me as much as he was capable of - but his love wasn't worth shit.

Yeah that’s the thing, people love you according to their version of love and unfortunately some peoples version of love will allow for cheating.

So the answer to OP’s question is yes and no. I’m sure my first boyfriend who cheated on me believed he loved me, but his low quality love is not what I’d typically love. We were both very young, hopefully he’s matured since and loves better.

tolerable · 19/10/2023 17:38

No

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 17:40

No, if they loved you they wouldn't hurt you.

Namechangedforspooky · 19/10/2023 17:42

It’s academic really. They’d be binned anyway!

Astonymission · 19/10/2023 17:43

Whattodowithit88 · 19/10/2023 16:37

I’ve seen this from the other side, it’s not love.
They want the security of you always being there and are happy to say or do (appear to do) what ever it takes to keep you on board as a safety net so they can go play the field as you threaten you won’t put up with it…but you do, so your valuable, because it’s not as easy as you think to find a sucker who constantly tolerates it.

A guy on a dating app years ago (rather foolishly) opened up to me and said he loved his ex because she tolerated how he was. When I probed further it turned out “how he was” was a serial cheat.

Some people really feel being a doormat or not loving and respecting yourself to the benefit of someone else is love and it’s sad on both sides.

I told that guy I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of thing for a second because no matter how much I love someone I also love myself. I unmatched him immediately after that.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 17:44

Im suprised at how many people said yes.

I think loads of good points have been made.. quality/capability of the persons love, being able to compartmentalise, not see sex as anything other than sex, current state of the relationship. I think ego and knowing they can is a reason aswell. Theres also different forms of cheating from texting to emotional to full sex.

I love the point of the quality of the persons love. Some people i guess can love someone to THEIR maximum but its not even a drop compared to someone elses.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/10/2023 17:52

Of course. I think the problem with this question is that it doesn't take account of the fact that people don't all agree about what 'love' means. Some are very idealistic about it and others are more realistic.

If you consider romantic love to be a feeling about someone which arises from a combination of sexual attraction, liking their personality, and shared experiences and things in common, then there's no reason to assume they will be incapable of cheating as long as they have those feelings.

If you think love means deep respect, commitment for life, placing that person's well-being and happiness above your own, feeling the same way about them after 25 years as you did in the first flush of romance etc, then no you probably don't think they can love you and cheat.

Fiftyvines · 19/10/2023 17:55

Yes, I believe so. Life isn't black and white, it's gray and nuanced. I think how the cheater responds in the aftermath reflects more - are they honest and open, willing do to anything or in denial/blaming outside factors etc

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 17:56

Sashya · 19/10/2023 16:22

People will give you different answers depending on how they see and experience sex.

....For some - and many women will be in this category - sex is an emotional and sexual connection. So - for those people love and sex are connected in a very strong way. They need emotional connection to have sex,
....For other - sex can be with an emotional connection OR without. I think it's rarer in women. And this is where the differences in opinions will come from. Sex without emotional connection is possible for these people. And they can love one person and have sex with another person. People in the above group can't relate to this.

I am not a man - before people start accusing me of that. I don't necessarily need an emotional connection to have sex. I think I did when I was younger. But with time - kids; experiences with different stages of relationships; losing my libido post babies and regaining it; getting older - things changed.

Maybe for women it's related to fertility and our stages in life. I don't know.
I do know that a lot of things seemed more black/white when I was younger. Less so now.

This is actually all rather irrelevant.

It's like you're answering the essay question you revised for, instead of the actual question.

Absolutely...for some people sex doesn't involve love etc.

But the question is not; can someone have sex with someone without loving them; of course they can.

The question is "can someone love someone and have sex with someone else" (while in a monogamous relationship with them and without agreeing non monogamy. In those circumstances, it is highly likely that;
a. that would devastate them,
b. It is unacceptable to them,
c they are breaking the "contract" of monogamy & sexual exclusively
d. They wouldn't find the same being done to them acceptable... Because if they did, they'd ask for an open relationship, not cheat.

So the answer is ... No

Neither the infidelity bor the dishonesty is truly compatible with love.

Love means to treat the person's wishes and rights as equal to your own.

Cheating means you haven't treated their rights as equal to your own.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2023 17:56

Yes

SplendidUtterly · 19/10/2023 17:58

No.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 19/10/2023 17:58

Of course they can! But in these cases love just isn't enough. Love needs to come with respect and fidelity.

porkypine · 19/10/2023 17:59

Yes. I used to think it wasn't possible - I was wrong.

Its5656 · 19/10/2023 18:00

No, they also have zero respect for you.

OTM1982 · 19/10/2023 18:02

Yes.