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Original poster

Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

201 replies

Sxs · 19/10/2023 16:02

Yes or No?

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:22

If someone cheats on you and claims to love you; their brand of love is not worth shit.

It's a selfish love.

Not a real love.

They are not capable of real love.

(Oh and I bet they wouldn't take if you were the one who's cheated on them).

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:23

@GilberMarkham everyone causes pain to a partner at some point. Everyones level or version of pain is also different. I see women on hear ranting their partner didnt cook a meal or ordered a take away and they feel betrayed. Its not linear.

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 19/10/2023 18:25

Yes.

I don't think loving someone always translates to treating people well. People are more complex then that.

But I mean love isn't everything in a relationship.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:25

Was a very vague question in hindsight. I didnt expect so many varying responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:26

Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:23

@GilberMarkham everyone causes pain to a partner at some point. Everyones level or version of pain is also different. I see women on hear ranting their partner didnt cook a meal or ordered a take away and they feel betrayed. Its not linear.

*here

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:28

Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:23

@GilberMarkham everyone causes pain to a partner at some point. Everyones level or version of pain is also different. I see women on hear ranting their partner didnt cook a meal or ordered a take away and they feel betrayed. Its not linear.

I see women on hear ranting their partner didnt cook a meal or ordered a take away and they feel betrayed.

If they are ranting about that, they are hardly examples of reasonable behaviour, are they?

And that is not pain.

Are you really trying to compare the primitive visceral pain and betrayal and trust issues etc that the victim of cheating experiences, to mundane domestic disappointments and greivances?

Are you really comparing the physical and emotional risks to the victim that cheating caused to other things.

It is not equal to really anything else in a relationship, other than major major betrayals of some kind. And even those don't have the same intimate, emotional, primitive aspect to them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/10/2023 18:28

No. As much as people like to believe the opposite but, no. If they really genuinely love them then they don't cheat on that person.

DollyDaydream78 · 19/10/2023 18:28

I have seen a genuine case where someone with really severe depression went off the rails and cheated with a very long term wife. It was their way of escapism from reality, similar to how some people drink or take drugs. It nearly destroyed the wider family and it almost finished them off as a person as they were full of self-loathing. I used to think it was black and white, but sometimes life isn't. The marriage recovered after a few difficult years. Credit to them, not sure I could come back from it though.

Velvian · 19/10/2023 18:30

I would say yes. I think people are capable of cheating while being in a 'happy' relationship and loving their spouse/partner.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:30

everyone causes pain to a partner at some point.

Actually, sorry but some people really don't.
They just don't. They are well adjusted, reasonable, decent people and they don't cause their partner pain in the course of their relationship. I know people like that.

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 18:30

@Sxs I'm sorry to hear that.

I guess it depends on the circumstances and what he's doing to make up for it. Was it long term cheating or a one off?

threecupsofteaminimum · 19/10/2023 18:30

Yes. Men separate sex and love far easier than women I think. Not all obviously but many.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:32

threecupsofteaminimum · 19/10/2023 18:30

Yes. Men separate sex and love far easier than women I think. Not all obviously but many.

They don't when it's their partner fucking another man!

Then, there's no convenient separation of sex and love eh.

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:33

Velvian · 19/10/2023 18:30

I would say yes. I think people are capable of cheating while being in a 'happy' relationship and loving their spouse/partner.

All of us are capable of cheating and those who swear they never would are most vulnerable. Because at least I know I am capable of it and I can set boundaries to protect my relationship. Those who say they never would, one day they encounter the “infatuation” beast and they may not be able to resist and end up splitting their marriage.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:33

@GilberMarkham very very true

OP posts:
Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:34

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:32

They don't when it's their partner fucking another man!

Then, there's no convenient separation of sex and love eh.

Edited
Show quote history

So so true. Then they are devastated

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:34

No idea how pick parts of posts to quote. Also not in the mental state to be able to articulate myself in response.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/10/2023 18:35

It's a selfish love. Not a real love. They are not capable of real love.

I think it's not really even to do with love, or what kind of love it is. It's just to do with the character and morals of the person in question. A decent person with self-control and a moral compass wouldn't cheat on a partner whether they were the love of his/her life or not. They would end the relationship first, before pursuing other people.

threecupsofteaminimum · 19/10/2023 18:36

Sorry I should have been clear, I mean many of them can when it's them doing the shagging, a woman cheating is a totally different story..

gwenneh · 19/10/2023 18:36

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:33

All of us are capable of cheating and those who swear they never would are most vulnerable. Because at least I know I am capable of it and I can set boundaries to protect my relationship. Those who say they never would, one day they encounter the “infatuation” beast and they may not be able to resist and end up splitting their marriage.

Show quote history

No, all of us are really not capable of cheating. Something being true for you doesn't make it true for everyone else.

"Infatuation beast". How sad.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:37

From what you're saying and from the posts you're paying most attention to, op; I think it's clear what your agenda is.

In good faith, I can't get with that agenda.

Word salad verbal diarrhea cheater apologist Esther Perel (who makes a shit tonne of money out of all the people, usually wifeys who don't want to split; kind of like a Televangelist for cheating victims ... Would be your go to.

Love - real love - includes fairness, equality, empathy, not causing your partner pain, not letting them stick to rules you're no longer sticking to, not taking their true and informed consent to sex with you away from them, not risking their partner's sexual health (condoms don't prevent everything), not risking their partner's mental health etc etc etc.

A cheater is ultimately a selfish person... And they will never truly love another person, they are not capable of it.

Good luck

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:38

threecupsofteaminimum · 19/10/2023 18:36

Sorry I should have been clear, I mean many of them can when it's them doing the shagging, a woman cheating is a totally different story..

That's the whole point - they don't truly love their partners.

Because they will do to them what they wouldn't want done to themselves, what they would find unacceptable for themselves.

That is not real love.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:41

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:37

From what you're saying and from the posts you're paying most attention to, op; I think it's clear what your agenda is.

In good faith, I can't get with that agenda.

Word salad verbal diarrhea cheater apologist Esther Perel (who makes a shit tonne of money out of all the people, usually wifeys who don't want to split; kind of like a Televangelist for cheating victims ... Would be your go to.

Love - real love - includes fairness, equality, empathy, not causing your partner pain, not letting them stick to rules you're no longer sticking to, not taking their true and informed consent to sex with you away from them, not risking their partner's sexual health (condoms don't prevent everything), not risking their partner's mental health etc etc etc.

A cheater is ultimately a selfish person... And they will never truly love another person, they are not capable of it.

Good luck

Edited

Im not looking to justify. The question was vague and the answers were not. I left a long time ago but the question popped into my mind and wondered what people thought. Not much deeper than that.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:45

Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:41

Im not looking to justify. The question was vague and the answers were not. I left a long time ago but the question popped into my mind and wondered what people thought. Not much deeper than that.

Show quote history

I see. I thought the entire thread pointed to a poster who had been cheated on, was being told by their cheating partner that it doesn't mean they don't love them/they do really love them, and was caught trying to process that ... And I felt I had to be brutally honest in response.

I'm really glad you're not in that position.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:46

Im the one who got cheated on ffs @GilberMarkham 😂 im with you and agree with you on everything but i like to see if im too cut and dry as many things influence peoples abilities as adults. Regarding pain, people's definition differ, someones partner may get into class a drugs, drink drive, keep financial secrets, affairs. All of these can cause suffering to a partner but others can overlook. Same with cheating/open relationships. Everyones tolerance is different. Its subjective. Even love it seem in some cases.

OP posts: