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Original poster

Can someone genuinely love you, but cheat?

201 replies

Sxs · 19/10/2023 16:02

Yes or No?

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:02

I think a person who cheats while saying they love their partner is fooling themselves.

Their interpretation of love is not a real, fair, decent one.

They will cry and wail and say they do when they might lose the partner.... But that's not because of real love, that's because of selfish "love". They don't want to lose anything or have any consequences for their breaking of the contact (of monogamy and sexual exclusively).

If they were on the receiving end of it, these ppl generally would not accept the behaviour and would not believe their partner loved them.

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:05

Thing is human nature is not monogamous.
Nature made us to live like nomads. People were living all together, men were sleeping with all women, they took care of the children, going hunting and didn’t know which child is biologically theirs. They just took care of all women and children. obviously there would be a woman they would feel more connected to, but they would have sex with almost everyone. Same went on for women.
Then along came the idea of marriage and civilization. You marry one person and you are not supposed to sleep or have feelings for anyone else for the rest of your life.
I have been questioning lately whether this is even possible. And I have been questioning it because from what I see from friends and family, almost all of them cheat. But they insist they love each other and will stay together for the children. I have never cheated myself, but living in a nearly sexless marriage I am tempted. But I absolutely adore my partner. I know I am not going to cheat, but eventually the only difference between me and a cheater is that I didn’t dare to act on my desires, they did. And in a long term relationship whoever says that they haven’t lusted after other people they are either plainly lying or they are asexual.

Jewelspun · 19/10/2023 18:05

A cheaters love is believing they love the one they are with. When they step outside to be in the company of another that love is relinquished.

True love cannot be switched on and off.

Cowlover89 · 19/10/2023 18:06

Nope

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/10/2023 18:06

Of course they can, it happens all the time.

I loved everyone I ever cheated on during an attempted monogamous relationship, and I'm sure they loved me even though most of them cheated too.

CurlewKate · 19/10/2023 18:06

No.

gwenneh · 19/10/2023 18:07

And in a long term relationship whoever says that they haven’t lusted after other people they are either plainly lying or they are asexual.

I've been married for 20 years next year. I'm neither lying, nor asexual.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:07

Fundamentally, to me, cheating says in bold capitals "you don't get equal rights to me".

If they wanted their partner to get equal rights, they'd offer an open relationship (and if the partner wasn't amenable to it), they'd end the relationship, and let their partner find a monogamous partner.

They don't.

They apply different rules to their partner than to them, they act like they have special rights and privileges that their partner doesn't have.

You also don't want to cause pain and I stability to someone you truly love.

And those are almost certain for victims of cheating.

True love would include empathy. Cheating included no empathy.

I suppose cheaters lack empathy (as well as integrity) and that's why their love can never get a true/real/fair love.

MadKittenWoman · 19/10/2023 18:08

Nope. If you really love someone, you're not remotely interested in anyone else.

kajwhdbsnwkao · 19/10/2023 18:08

Dinoswearunderpants · 19/10/2023 16:04

Yes they can love you but not respect you if they cheat.

Agree.

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:09

gwenneh · 19/10/2023 18:07

And in a long term relationship whoever says that they haven’t lusted after other people they are either plainly lying or they are asexual.

I've been married for 20 years next year. I'm neither lying, nor asexual.

So you are saying that in 20 years no other man caught your eye? Not even tempted? Not even think someone is cute?

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:10

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:05

Thing is human nature is not monogamous.
Nature made us to live like nomads. People were living all together, men were sleeping with all women, they took care of the children, going hunting and didn’t know which child is biologically theirs. They just took care of all women and children. obviously there would be a woman they would feel more connected to, but they would have sex with almost everyone. Same went on for women.
Then along came the idea of marriage and civilization. You marry one person and you are not supposed to sleep or have feelings for anyone else for the rest of your life.
I have been questioning lately whether this is even possible. And I have been questioning it because from what I see from friends and family, almost all of them cheat. But they insist they love each other and will stay together for the children. I have never cheated myself, but living in a nearly sexless marriage I am tempted. But I absolutely adore my partner. I know I am not going to cheat, but eventually the only difference between me and a cheater is that I didn’t dare to act on my desires, they did. And in a long term relationship whoever says that they haven’t lusted after other people they are either plainly lying or they are asexual.

Are you a bloke?

I keep noticing your posts in this forum and they're always crazy

And btw - humans absolutely are monogamous. Not lifetime monogamy, but serial monogamists. It's all about resources and reproduction. Humans pair bond very strongly.

Marriage only formalised that, it didn't come along as something new.

(With a side dish of sneaky opportunistic cheating by some humans, not all).

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:11

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:07

Fundamentally, to me, cheating says in bold capitals "you don't get equal rights to me".

If they wanted their partner to get equal rights, they'd offer an open relationship (and if the partner wasn't amenable to it), they'd end the relationship, and let their partner find a monogamous partner.

They don't.

They apply different rules to their partner than to them, they act like they have special rights and privileges that their partner doesn't have.

You also don't want to cause pain and I stability to someone you truly love.

And those are almost certain for victims of cheating.

True love would include empathy. Cheating included no empathy.

I suppose cheaters lack empathy (as well as integrity) and that's why their love can never get a true/real/fair love.

Couldn’t agree more with you. to me that’s the worst part. You cheat but you do not allow your partner to do the same.
If you want to cheat have an open relationship or leave. i do get it that someone wants variety. Bit do it decently

blueton · 19/10/2023 18:11

Where's the proof for those olden days? It's not like we have written accounts.

I would have assumed that human behaviour developed for a reason and the way it shows up all over the place is pretty common. You pair-bond, have children, and those children then don't breed together.

Teatimeisanytime · 19/10/2023 18:13

NO.
Does he have so much love he has to share it.
If he cheats once thats it done no second chances no free ticket to do it again.
Dont spend your life feeling second best and wonder if he will do it again.
Nope by by take your things before the bin man does or i have a bonfire in the garden while singing irreplaceable by beyonce drinking tequila.😂

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:14

MadKittenWoman · 19/10/2023 18:08

Nope. If you really love someone, you're not remotely interested in anyone else.

I don’t agree with you. During my 20 year marriage I have been interested in two men. Never proceeded to anything because I loved my husband so deeply. Years later I am like “thank god I didn’t cheat back then”.
i m sorry but we are married not dead.

gwenneh · 19/10/2023 18:14

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:09

So you are saying that in 20 years no other man caught your eye? Not even tempted? Not even think someone is cute?

Show quote history

Correct. I haven't had any interest in anyone else since the moment I laid eyes on my DH. I don't find other men attractive, or "cute", not even celebrities, and certainly have never been tempted. I only want DH, cannot imagine wanting anyone else.

Dotcheck · 19/10/2023 18:15

Bature · 19/10/2023 16:10

Of course. Sometimes sex is just sex, tbh. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you or their feelings towards you.

Rubbish

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:15

Nope. If you really love someone, you're not remotely interested in anyone else.

Couldn't disagree more.

If you really love someone, you dismiss attractions to other people ... Because you don't want to lose your relationship with your partner and you don't want to hurt your partner.

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:15

@AllProperTeaIsTheft i really agree with you re; I think the problem with this question is that it doesn't take account of the fact that people don't all agree about what 'love' means.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:17

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:15

Nope. If you really love someone, you're not remotely interested in anyone else.

Couldn't disagree more.

If you really love someone, you dismiss attractions to other people ... Because you don't want to lose your relationship with your partner and you don't want to hurt your partner.

Exactly mate. Exactly!

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:18

Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:15

@AllProperTeaIsTheft i really agree with you re; I think the problem with this question is that it doesn't take account of the fact that people don't all agree about what 'love' means.

Well love, I think everyone could agree, includes not behaving in a way that is highly likely to cause pain to your partner.

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you (I'm not religious btw) is a great encapsulation of empathy and fairness and decency.

It applies aptly to cheating.

A. You wouldn't think it was ok to hurt them.

B. You wouldn't want to treat them a way you'd not like to be treated yourself.

Those are universal and basic. No complicated, nuanced interpretation of love is needed.

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 18:19

I've been asking myself this question OP.

Have you been cheated on too?

Original poster
Sxs · 19/10/2023 18:21

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 18:19

I've been asking myself this question OP.

Have you been cheated on too?

Yes 💔

OP posts:
Rania78 · 19/10/2023 18:21

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 18:10

Are you a bloke?

I keep noticing your posts in this forum and they're always crazy

And btw - humans absolutely are monogamous. Not lifetime monogamy, but serial monogamists. It's all about resources and reproduction. Humans pair bond very strongly.

Marriage only formalised that, it didn't come along as something new.

(With a side dish of sneaky opportunistic cheating by some humans, not all).

Edited
Show quote history

Completely female amd very feminine. Never cheated. Probably never will. Have only slept with two men in my life. I love my husband deeply (although I suspect he may have an affair).
I am only voicing what most people think but do not have the courage to say.
There is NO way that 99.9% of people have lusted someone lese in a long term relationship. No way. I do not believe that.