Page 9 | Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 16:50

Princessfluffy · 19/10/2023 09:36

The OW is not the problem here.
It's your DH that the anger should be directed towards.
He decided to leave you.
He decided not to see his adult kids much and to allow his wife to come along when she doesn't treat them nicely.
He has broken his promises to you and is not being the father your kids deserve.
He is an adult, he has agency. His wife can't make him do or not do anything without his consent.
Focussing on her is very misplaced attention OP.

I think when life is a struggle it's easy to look towards someone else to blame but ultimately not that helpful for us.
It's shit when life seems so unfair though.

Absolutely this.

She might be a visa & lifestyle seeker who didn't care if a man's married and now wants his kids out of the picture....

But somebody brought her into his life, exited his marriage & home with op, and then made his life with her. That somebody is op's ex.
Likewise he is in control of seeing his adult kids.

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 16:59

Op I think you may have posted before..... You have always sounded shell shocked, deeply deeply hurt, and sort of lost. Maybe stuck in disbelief and pain & indignance at the unfairness of what he's done.

While it is totally understandable.... he has treated you horribly and it is "unfair" .... and it it continues to be unfair that he forces you to be more or less a single parent to your young adult kids ..... You sounded like you need counselling, and that you also need to accept things about your husband and your marriage that you maybe didn't see.

Even now you're not really focussing on them, but rather on his current wife and her lifestyle and their life together.

It appears obvious that while you were invested and committee for life - as many people are when they get married - he was not.
When he decided he was not, is not clear. It could have been all along, it could have been in the latter years.

That didn't become clear til he started up the relationship with his current wife and then left.

It's also the case that he has several very shitty character traits demonstrated through this (and continuing to be) and it seems like you overlooked them/didn't recognise them .... Or if you truly never had any sign of them; that you haven't got your head around them emerging in recent years.

This is not even a "I don't want you be with her anymore, I've met someone I do want so I'm going" scenario.. his behaviour towards his adult kids shoes much more callousness and lack of integrity and responsibility and decency than just that.

Have you had any counselling?

ThePoshUns · 19/10/2023 17:07

KimWexlersPonyTail · 18/10/2023 09:48

He is presumably bringing up a young child in his middle age, who needs that, OW is stuck with a partner who will age before her. If anyone has an affaire bet it will be her.

OP your kids are grown, make your own wonderful life.

This exactly. I'd be laughing my socks off at the trap they set for themselves whilst you are free to enjoy life.

wishingforhappy · 19/10/2023 18:06

All these people will say move on she did not nothing wrong it's different when it happens to you I totally get you

Gingerbread2023 · 19/10/2023 19:36

SurprisedWithAHorse · 19/10/2023 07:20

If you're going to chat sexist shite about women being vacancies for men who will inevitably use them, you're frankly encouraging it.

I truly don't see how you can a) hold women responsible for men b) say married men are only half responsible for being faithful c) present cheating men as deliverers of justice for women they cheat with and d) promote the idea that men need to fill vacancies with women... and not see how you're contributing to a world that eases and even encourages male infidelity.

It's not righteous, it's really fucking horrible. You're actually part of the problem.

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I've been chased by various married men I've turned down. It's not hard. Have standards.

MrsKurdtCobain · 19/10/2023 19:43

I truly understand how you feel.

In my case, the best revenge has been owning my life and reaching my goals.

Dont get mad, get even. By living your best life.

Its the most satisfying experience ever.

CorylusAgain · 19/10/2023 19:44

Gingerbread2023 · 19/10/2023 19:36

I've been chased by various married men I've turned down. It's not hard. Have standards.

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Your view that both the husband and the OW have equally low morals is one thing.
Holding the OW equally responsible for the breakdown of the OP's marriage is totally different.
Marriage is a contract and commitment between 2 people. The husband is solely responsible for his actions with regard to that contract and commitment. Him. No one else.

Pinkclouds80 · 19/10/2023 20:20

OP just wanted to say that’s people having a pop and calling you bitter, or telling you to count your blessings, have massively missed your point.

You were betrayed on a grand scale and just because you still sometimes get waves of WHAT THE FUCK doesn’t mean you want him back or don’t appreciate your life.

You’re allowed to feel stabs of resentment alongside relief that you aren’t the one still married to the shitcunt.

You’re allowed to be knackered and feel like she has it easy (I bet she doesn’t, in reality- there will be all sorts going on I expect.

You sound great, and I bet your kids absolutely adore you….and know that sadly, their dad is a douche :))

MrsKurdtCobain · 19/10/2023 20:26

Pinkclouds80 · 19/10/2023 20:20

OP just wanted to say that’s people having a pop and calling you bitter, or telling you to count your blessings, have massively missed your point.

You were betrayed on a grand scale and just because you still sometimes get waves of WHAT THE FUCK doesn’t mean you want him back or don’t appreciate your life.

You’re allowed to feel stabs of resentment alongside relief that you aren’t the one still married to the shitcunt.

You’re allowed to be knackered and feel like she has it easy (I bet she doesn’t, in reality- there will be all sorts going on I expect.

You sound great, and I bet your kids absolutely adore you….and know that sadly, their dad is a douche :))

@Pinkclouds80

I have to disagree with you there.

Its the old adage of resentment being like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You carry the bitterness - they don't.

Living well is pretty good revenge, IMHO.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 21:11

Gently
how is she living your life ?

the only thing she has is the man and maybe his money

it does sound like you need to invest sometime and effort into rebuilding and completing with this period of your life x

ToastMarmalade · 19/10/2023 21:31

Well they are both living a selfish life built on pain and suffering of you and your kids. So not your life. Your marriage was not built on suffering.

I used to be a lot more tolerant and live and let live, but a man abandoning his family, and a woman happy to break another’s family is such low behaviour the pair of them. Of course it’s bound to upset you.

Its okay to be angry at them.

My own father did this to me his daughter. It took me years to feel angry about it. I just thought it was not my business, that he’d maybe left his marriage for reasons unknown. That him having another family with OW was great it was more siblings for me.

How naive of me! My half siblings and SM are constantly trying to compete. They are mean and think only of themselves. My father has ended up a shell of his former self, he’s small and measly minded.

So enjoy your life and your kids. No need to compete. Just do what you love as life is short. He’s made his bed and it’s honestly not great - they will spend their lives justifying their awful actions. Let them. Live yours.

Iwasafool · 19/10/2023 21:51

GilberMarkham · 19/10/2023 16:48

maybe he met someone who actually cared about him not his bank account

Pmsl.

If this is the same op I'm thinking of, the scenario sounded like a visa and money related transaction for her, and a new, younger woman for him swapparoo.

Well what we do know is the OP hasn't said she misses him or she is sad they won't grow old together but she is sad the OW has a brand new car, holidays, wants for nothing and doesn't need to work so he seems to only have been valued as a cash cow. Maybe he's jumped out of the frying pan into the fire but can you blame him for have a try at finding someone who saw him as more than that?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 22:06

Iwasafool

yes and well noted

Kettletoast · 19/10/2023 22:10

Post on surviving infidelity board
It’s very understanding

VeronicaFranklin · 19/10/2023 22:41

autumnmarshmallows · 18/10/2023 09:00

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children).
Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids.
I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

He will do to her what her did to you. In saying that 22 years is a long time, it must be hard to move on.

LoganCaleSeries5 · 19/10/2023 23:00

usually once a cheater and all so to speak.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 19/10/2023 23:40

She's living the life you might have had if you had married someone else or if the person you married had been a better person. That's a lot of variables. Surely not being married to him is a plus

LemonyTicket · 20/10/2023 00:05

Objectively if you're married 22 years and expect to grow old with someone, it's an enormous mental trauma to adjust to such a change. Particularly as the older we get, the harder change is to adjust to.

On the other hand, you can create a really amazing new life that you're delighted with. If you can mentally let go of your previous expectations

bakedbrain · 20/10/2023 05:08

Don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but I just find this such an odd take. It wasn't like a twist of fate or switched identities or a car accident or anything. The husband actively, deliberately dumped you...

If not for the OW, he would probably have started mistreating you or straying for a younger model anyway.

His riches/wealth, which you miss, come with his poor character/behaviour towards you. Those 2 elements are intertwined (in his case). In a way, you were never "destined" to have a good life with him.

rosemaryandparsley · 20/10/2023 06:39

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 09:45

but most men, in my experience, are looking for peace and stability, certainly when they get to that point in their lives, so I doubt that he's gonna want to go through all that stress and shit again, plus he probably couldn't afford it either.

I agree.

It's not because the second relationship/marriage is really better or great. They just can't be bothered ending it and starting from scratch again, they can't financially afford to ... And they know they'll not get anything much better or different. They also know how they will look to everyone ... One divorce/left wife - maybe wasn't right person/relationship.... Two divorces/left wives is a pattern and he looks like the problem. They know that and just stay where they are when they've done it once.

Edited

This nails it.

When people leave one relationship/marriage for another they are looking for external solutions to internal problems (real or imagined).

What they end up with is the same book with a different cover. They forget that they are taking their crappy selves with them into the next relationship.

OP, this women isn't 'living your life' she's living a fantasy, and the 'bubble' will pop eventually. All she's got is a cheat for a partner.

And, as others have said, she'll end up as a carer for an old man. Don't envy her, I wouldn't.

rosemaryandparsley · 20/10/2023 06:45

Bunnyhair · 18/10/2023 09:53

@jackienory you sound a bit like the last 4 of my father’s 5 (to date) wives. They all thought they would be the one to give the poor man the stability he craved. He’s in his 80s now and still trying it on with the babysitter.

Wow, that old boy must have some huge cojones 😂

Maray1967 · 20/10/2023 09:03

autumnmarshmallows · 18/10/2023 09:56

Thanks for the messages. A lot to think about.
He's 56 and I think she is about 37. She's not English and has few friends so she rarely lets my ex see our kids, or if she does allow it, she comes along!
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, being middle aged, having two jobs and being responsible for absolutely everything, plus one of our kids is autistic. I generally very strong but some days I just want to deck her !! lol!!

That’s very understandable- I would feel the same. Try to do what you can to carve out a bit of time for yourself. He’s not a good man if he lets her say when he can or can’t see his kids. He’ll regret it sooner or later.

BackAgainstWall · 20/10/2023 09:09

CorylusAgain · 19/10/2023 19:44

Your view that both the husband and the OW have equally low morals is one thing.
Holding the OW equally responsible for the breakdown of the OP's marriage is totally different.
Marriage is a contract and commitment between 2 people. The husband is solely responsible for his actions with regard to that contract and commitment. Him. No one else.

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Oh give-over, who are you trying to kid.

They’re both to blame.

The OW is often an immoral bitch who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else apart from herself and her own future financial stability.

Maray1967 · 20/10/2023 09:41

Anyone who knowingly has an affair with a married person bears done if the responsibility. The only acceptable response to a married man coming on to you is to tell him to do one.

Maray1967 · 20/10/2023 09:41

Bears some of!!