Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

[autumnmarshmallows]

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children).
Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids.
I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

The media has already reported him cheating on her.

She knew what she was signing up for though.

Yes, you are always a cheat, as no one can change the past, but that doesn’t mean you will do it again. Plenty of people cheat, wrongly I agree, at the end of a relationship, and never cheat again.

the reason I say this is I’ve a friend who cheated, her marriage was unhappy , it just didn’t work, and had been unhappy for years, and she was building up the courage to walk.it was one of those where she could have stayed in and miserable for ever. she met someone and she did end it very quickly after.

She is now incredibly happy, it’s been over a decade, they both are very happy, and I’d bet good money will never cheat on each other. People in good happy fulfilling loving relationships don’t cheat. We can pretend they do. But they don’t.

do I think it’s right she cheated, in the weeks before ending it, no, of course not, do I understand it, yes, knowing how unhappy she was, absolutely I do.

i simply disagree it’s as black and white as folks make out.

She'll never trust him, and in will be in fear he'll do the same to her.

I found out my fiancé had cheated on his previous wife three days before our huge elaborate wedding. Someone slipped up and told me. I went ahead with our wedding, and guess what, he cheated on me when I had PND!

Leopards do not change spots!

You’ve got rid of an adulterer and she is living with one, your life is better.

I have the opposite feeling - thank goodness other spouses took my place, there have been 3 since. TBH even in the early days when things were tough, id think to myself - but at least im not living that previous life as it'd be so much more difficult, it got me through

I understand completely what youre saying OP....its that feeling of unreality / disbelief that the life and the future you believed in and invested your life, energy and love into has somehow turned to ashes and rom the outside looking in, it literally looks like he's replaced you with a younger model - who you see living the life where you were not so long ago. Pay no attention to all the pious people saying you shouldnt feel this way - you do, and so have many women who have been in your shoes. Its a strange and unsettling feeling, so feel it, mourn the loss of your story with your ex, and then look to the future and embrace it. The only way to make sense of it / be happy / win or however you want to label success and happiness, is to make this a chapter of your life, and not the end. So much more possibility and adventure ahead of you! I know t doesnt feel like that when youre lonely and depressed, but this malais also will pass. Much strength to you - divorce is a lonely road. I hope you draw comfort from the fact that its a road many of us have walked (very close to your story and experience), and we are all mostly ina better place! Stay fabulous!!!!

He sounds low value. Unless he’s worked hard on himself to understand why he lacked integrity and cannot stand by his own work he won’t be a great husband or a great father. Luckily that’s not your issue.

His lack of interest in his older children show that he is poor value.

She has done you a favour by taking him off your hands. Cheating wasn’t something outside his comfort zone. He always had a ‘but’ in his fidelity.

It would have been far worse if he had cheated closer to retirement making the division of assets more uncomfortable and giving you less time to be financially secure (to rebuild a pension or buy a property for example). Also time while you are in good health to enjoy life without him in it.

So I’d start by raising a toast and thanking her for taking him off your hands. Reposition your thoughts and celebrate!

Oh, that's an awful thing to say. People can get ill anytime. It doesn't just have to be in old age. Staying with someone who is very ill is a true test of your love for them. "In sickness and in health", correct?

What did you want Bruce Willis' wife to do? Just leave him? 🙄

This is patently untrue. Lots of people cheat while unhappy or vulnerable, move on to a better place/relationship and don't do it again. They were wrong to do it, obviously, but it's really not true that they're incapable of doing better in the future.

My goodness that post is vile. I have reported it.

I was thinking something very similar last night, OP. Different but similar… It’s been 20 years believe it or not since my ex & I separated; we’d been together since 15, married in our early 20s. Split up late 20s but he kept stringing me along — he loved me; didn’t want to hurt me; we might be able to work it out. YEARS later I found out that even while we were going to marriage counselling, he was seeing someone else. (They’re now married, kids, dogs, happy ever after.) Ridiculously, I still feel really really bitter. I think of him most days and wish him ill (not seriously, of course) even though I know I should long since moved on. The thing is, I’m happily remarried, one DC, so it’s not even as though I have cause to be bitter. But I really thought we’d be together forever, and the fact he strung me along is something I don’t think I’m capable of forgiving. I still feel furious when I think about. (I’m sorry — that’s probably not what you want to hear!)

I know some people really, really want to believe this is always true, but it just isn’t.

It’s just nicer than believing someone could be happier with someone else

I wouldn't be envious of a woman who sits on her arse at home all day spending someone else's money. Not someone who fits with my hardworking morals at all. I'd say cheating ex is welcome to her!

I echo everything said here!

She's thrown all all her chance of happiness into the hands of a lying cheating faithless toad. She knows this and is probably paranoid he'll do it again. The man who married the mistress creates a vacancy. I know many object to that idea - but it's true.

He's old enough to be her dad. He's probably a lot slower and tireder than her friends' kids' fathers. Her kid will also notice and be making comparisons.

In time, if it lasts, she'll be an old man's unpaid nurse when other women her age would be off having fun when the kids were older.

She probably knows what your children think of her. There will hopefully be elements of guilt, shame at what she did.

So ... I'd stop dwelling on the fallacy of her living your life. Is that really a life you'd want?

Focus on yours.

Living well is the best revenge.

It's about someone being entitled / self-absorbed enough to do it.

Most cheats are serial. They might become more careful about getting caught, but that's it.

She hasn't got your life.

She's saddled with a man old enough to be her dad. Maybe it's all rosy now but in a few years time when he's retired and his looks have gone and his dick isn't hard, she's going to be wondering WTF she did.

You had him when he was young and sexy. Presumably you also got your half of his pension and marital assets?

Do you think your XH isn't regretting getting with a young women, having a baby so soon and being tied down for the next 2 decades whilst his retired friends with adult kids are going on 3 month cruises round the world with their wives and enjoying themselves whilst he's at centerparcs in the school holidays?

It’s unpleasant but true. People don’t just die from old age. But it’s much more likely you will end up a carer young if you marry someone 20 years older.

I agree with all your points except about her throwing her happiness into this man.... If I'm correct in thinking this poster has posted about this before; things sounded suspiciously visa/money oriented on her behalf.

So she's not made a romantic, emotional decision; her decisions have perhaps been expedient/pragmatic.

It's possible that as long as she gets his financial support and leave to remain, she doesn't care about other stuff.

(Her very quick pregnancy seems to align with this too).

Posters on here who have not lived abroad in developing countries or lived in developed countries with large populations of economic migrants from developing countries are not switched onto this really. They don't realise the circumstances (for both themselves and for their families) that drives this decision making, and just how pragmatic it is.

OP,

How is your life? Are there things that you can do to make yourself happier, so you are not looking over the fence at the OW.

It might look like they are having a great time, but I'm sure there are stresses in their lives too. If he is older and has a young child, that is not going to be fun. He's also lost his younger children. If they are in their 20's and making their own way now, they will soon dump him. They won't want to go over and see him if she is there. I wouldn't go near him. I would blame him, and hold him in contempt. He won't get to have a relationship with his own DGC.

If you made a list of what you have lost, versus what you have gained, I think you would be surprised.

I love my DH, and we have been through some very tough times. I also know that I can't take another one of his episodes. He hasn't had affairs, as far as I can see, but every decade goes though a "don't want to be married".

I know that I would be very upset if we broke up, but I also know there would be upsides too. For example, we only get to do what he wants, and I have a long list of things I want to do. I end up eating what he wants, he's fussy, and he is high maintenance. I wouldn't have to do his washing and ironing and cleaning up after him as he works long hours.

In some ways I would be free. I might even meet someone who thinks about me, rather than his own needs.

You need to look at what you are doing, and see how you can enhance your own life. You have offloaded a dickhead. They are both horrible people who your kids don't like. Let them fester in their own stench.

They don't realise the circumstances (for both themselves and for their families) that drives this decision making, and just how pragmatic it is

Oh dearie me. So, he's been landed by someone who thought he'd make a good ATM machine for her and her overseas extended family.

I've no sympathy for him whatsoever. He will get what he deserves.

Even if a person is happier with someone else and as the world is huge I’ll be surprised if there aren’t thousands of people each of us can have a happy life with! The character traits that allow a person to cheat are not the character traits most people want in a life partner. A fling maybe or a FWB. But not someone who you choose as a parent/companion through thick and thin.

From my 30s I wouldn’t entertain any man who had cheated. It would be a deal breaker for me with life experience. The reason etc is irrelevant, you can choose counselling, to put up or leave. Cheating solves nothing in a relationship - it’s hidden and involves not communicating - neither trait I find desirable. Its also done by people who require external validation, have poor self esteem and self worth, liars, compartmentalisers, are arrogant or self absorbed, poor communicators, people who hold onto resentment, people who will risk another’s sexual and mental health, poor self control, lack of Will power etc. I don’t want any of that in a life partner and it’s not worth the risk to me to date a person like this.

I know I may find other people attractive or funny or fascinating during my lifetime but my integrity and honesty and need to look myself in the mirror means cheating is not something I am prepared to do (to myself). It’s a choice I choose to make for me not my husband (who regularly annoys me). It’s not that I don’t have opportunity. It’s that I want to look myself in the mirror, if my word is meaningless what do I really have.

I’m also not prepared to say to a new potential partner ‘my marriage failed because I cheated’. Red flags galore! It’s also funny how many cheaters say ‘my spouse cheated on me that’s why I’m divorced’ but the truth is THEY cheated first but omitted that part of their story.

The best way to get revenge is to stop caring altogether and perhaps even build an amicable relationship with ex husband, it'll drive her nuts. You will have grandchildren at some point I guess and have that to share and she'll feel like the skanky mistress at any get togethers!

They're two bottom feeders OP. He's revealed the man that he truly is - one with no morals or integrity. And he's landed a woman with no morals or integrity. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Five years later you should try to move on and put it behind you, as PPs have said work on an amicable relationship with your ex. Not sure why she would be a bitch towards your adult DC but surely your ex doesn't approve of that

Omg I think you should count yourself as the lucky one. Grown up children.... Freedom... No arsehole ex-husband. Just think you are free to live your life.