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Original poster

Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

232 replies

autumnmarshmallows · 18/10/2023 09:00

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children).
Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids.
I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

OP posts:
Frasers · 18/10/2023 10:02

autumnmarshmallows · 18/10/2023 09:56

Thanks for the messages. A lot to think about.
He's 56 and I think she is about 37. She's not English and has few friends so she rarely lets my ex see our kids, or if she does allow it, she comes along!
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, being middle aged, having two jobs and being responsible for absolutely everything, plus one of our kids is autistic. I generally very strong but some days I just want to deck her !! lol!!

I’m so sorry but you’re trying to blame her for him, it’s not right, he’s an adult and it’s his choice to see or not see his kids, only he is responsible for this. Not her.

i understand why you’re so jealous of her and want to blame her for his actions, but please try to seek some help to move on as there is no happiness in your current mindset.

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Take it you're the OW then.

MrsHedgewitch · 18/10/2023 10:03

You seem to be blaming her so much more than him for the interaction (or lack there of) of your ex with the adult children…it isn’t down to her to allow or not allow him, it’s his choice, it’s not down to her to come with him, it’s his choice. Him not at least trying to forge/keep a strong relationship with his adult children is on him not her.

I barely think about the thirteen years I was with my exH, my life now is mine - I choose the garden to be nice, the food we eat, my home to be cozily mine, the relationship I have with my amazing adult children…he has nothing to do with them, his choice. I’m glad I didn’t waste more of my life on him.

SnapdragonToadflax · 18/10/2023 10:03

Well thank goodness you got out, eh? At least now you're not tied to a useless cliché of a middle aged man. She is!

CrotchetyQuaver · 18/10/2023 10:04

The worst thing you can do is let all that bitterness about the divorce and all that led to it get too strong and eat you up. Far better to get on with your life with new friends and fun times and look forward to what lies ahead rather than looking back and dwelling on the past which can't be changed.

koalaknickers · 18/10/2023 10:05

I haven't been in your position. Well, never say never...

But let's face it. Your ex is NOT the man you thought he was. It doesn't matter whether he stays with the OW or not.

He was not faithful to you, he lacked integrity, honour, no doubt lied straight to your face. He is not a man you would want to be with now that you have seen his true colours.

It must be galling to see her living what appears to be an easy life after her behaviour. Maybe she won't be there if the money runs out, but that's their issue now.

You have a new life to build now. Now is all we have. This IS your life. Now. It no longer includes him and that's a good thing since he is not the man you thought he was.

You have your children and other loved ones in your life. Heck, maybe even a new man in your life one day if you want.

yogasaurus · 18/10/2023 10:05

You seem to be blaming her so much more than him for the interaction (or lack there of) of your ex with the adult children…it isn’t down to her to allow or not allow him, it’s his choice, it’s not down to her to come with him, it’s his choice.

This. You’re giving her far too much headspace, she’s just living her life, don’t waste yours thinking about her.

AInightingale · 18/10/2023 10:06

I don't know about her leading your life, OP, it sounds like you are leading a lot of other divorced women's lives. Left alone to raise children with challenges and difficulties to struggle through menopause etc while the father f-s off with usually younger women. I'm really sorry but it seems incredibly common.

koalaknickers · 18/10/2023 10:06

MrsHedgewitch · 18/10/2023 10:03

You seem to be blaming her so much more than him for the interaction (or lack there of) of your ex with the adult children…it isn’t down to her to allow or not allow him, it’s his choice, it’s not down to her to come with him, it’s his choice. Him not at least trying to forge/keep a strong relationship with his adult children is on him not her.

I barely think about the thirteen years I was with my exH, my life now is mine - I choose the garden to be nice, the food we eat, my home to be cozily mine, the relationship I have with my amazing adult children…he has nothing to do with them, his choice. I’m glad I didn’t waste more of my life on him.

Good post.

Seas164 · 18/10/2023 10:09

Take the focus off her. He is responsible for his own relationship with his children. If he's not seeing them, that's on him, not on her. Take away the significance you're giving her, she could be anyone. If she's not kind to his kids then he's chosen badly. If her behaviour is unkind and he is willing to accept it, that's on him not her. She's not living your life, you are. She's not your replacement. She's nothing to do with you.

Sweep your own side of the street, save your energy for you and your kids.

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 10:09

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 10:02

Take it you're the OW then.

Show quote history

I've been pursued by several men who were married or in relationships. I always said no and blocked them (even the ones I worked with) since I'm not a tramp.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 10:09

He's 56 and I think she is about 37

Fuck - I think the posters who made the points about the much older partner and potentially being a carer etc etc were right.

You mentioned she's not English- if you're the poster I'm thinking of .... I always thought the relationship sounded visa/immigration and economically motivated on her side.

No doubt the child was to secure that .... (That'll give weight towards leave to remain, even if they were to divorce).

It sounded to me like she used him, and he was the fool who let her.

Viviennemary · 18/10/2023 10:11

They are both selfish evil people. He won't be happy with this set up in a few years when he is an old man dealing with a teenager.

ReadySalty · 18/10/2023 10:12

You have every right to be pissed off; for your kids and your own sake.

Your ex sounds like an utter prick.

Do you think it all turned how he wanted? To be saddled with a small child when he could be enjoying middle age? Hopefully, he is miserable and wakes up every day asking himself how he could fuck up so badly.

Plus, he won't be able to retire any time soon.

Canisaysomething · 18/10/2023 10:14

She’s living with a cheater, you aren’t.

bronkie · 18/10/2023 10:15

She isn't living your life though - you had years of raising a family when he was young too. It was a different life. She may be living the life you thought you would have though? You could be living a better life now - it's in your hands as to how this progresses. One , you can sit and be bitter about him and his OW and ruminate over the past or two, you can say fuck that and find a new life. I have a friend in scenario one and she is miserable - all she does is talk about when she was with him and what they did etc and then spends her evenings drinking. As far as she is concerned her life has ended. A new man isn't the answer to everything but it certainly makes life easier in going on holidays, getting out and about to events etc. It all depends on how you are. There are many women who enjoy group activities and holidays with no partner. Yes I understand how it pisses you off at times and it probably will never dissipate ( but that's just me - I hold a grudge 😂)

Iwasafool · 18/10/2023 10:16

Nutellaonall · 18/10/2023 09:41

It sucks but presumably she will be a lot younger so she will be stuck being a carer to an old man when she is still relatively young. Small wins.
Just look at Bruce Willises young wifey. Bet Demi Moore is thanking her lucky stars she doesn’t have to deal with that!

Yes because I'm sure they are so hard up they can't afford appropriate help You realise that the young "wifey" (what a silly term) might actually love him and not resent caring for him? Some people are like that, obviously not everyone.

GoodnightJude1 · 18/10/2023 10:17

She’s not living YOUR life OP.
Rightly or wrongly how she ended up with that life is neither here nor there. That’s her life.
I also don’t agree with what some pp say about her living her whole life waiting for him to cheat….sometimes 2 people grow apart and find better matches and go on to live a very happy life together.
I can totally understand your dislike/hatred of them both, especially if she’s not nice to your children but don’t miss a life that isn’t yours. It’s a waste of your own life.

DoDoDoD · 18/10/2023 10:17

She's not living your life, you are. It sucks if you feel you've been left to deal with everything, but it's his fault, not hers, if he's in touch with your children. I hope things will get better for you and you can face the future with more positivity.

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 10:18

GoodnightJude1 · 18/10/2023 10:17

She’s not living YOUR life OP.
Rightly or wrongly how she ended up with that life is neither here nor there. That’s her life.
I also don’t agree with what some pp say about her living her whole life waiting for him to cheat….sometimes 2 people grow apart and find better matches and go on to live a very happy life together.
I can totally understand your dislike/hatred of them both, especially if she’s not nice to your children but don’t miss a life that isn’t yours. It’s a waste of your own life.

Those people separate or get a divorce before pursuing those new people.

Workawayxx · 18/10/2023 10:19

That sounds so shit, I'm so sorry he did that to you. Did you get a reasonable settlement in the divorce? It sounds like he's a high earner if he's able to support her in that way. Fwiw, it doesn't sound a particularly happy arrangement for either of them.

To answer the original question, yes I sometimes even 11 years on have moments. It's not even anger or annoyance or not being over it or anything, just feels a bit weird for a moment. I think it's exacerbated in my situation as she now lives in what was my house with (a lot of) things that were originally mine so just sometimes if I drop DC off and she's there it just feels a bit strange.

jlpth · 18/10/2023 10:19

Try to think that she's taken out the trash for you.

YANBU anyway, 22 years and a whole shared life is a lot to trash and the effects will last probably forever.

What a stupid man.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 18/10/2023 10:21

Are they actually married? I certainly wouldn't be envious of her if they're not - she'll be in a very precarious position.

Graciebobcat · 18/10/2023 10:24

I'd mainly be in disbelief that someone with adult children would want to start again with babies, and would be laughing a lot at the sleepless nights and enjoying my freedom, personally.

Taketurn · 18/10/2023 10:24

But how can one stop a grown man from seeing grown children? Doesn't make sense to me tbh