Page 5 | Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

autumnmarshmallows · 2023-10-18T08:00:38+00:00

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children). Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids. I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

TotalOverhaul · 18/10/2023 11:37

I've just read Lucy By The Sea by Elizabeth Strout and there's a lovely bit in it where her ex-husband breaks down and says he has completely screwed up his one life by living it like a boy not a man. He is ashamed of walking out on her and leaving her to raise the children, ashamed of his affairs. Of living with no true emotional maturity or insight into how his actions impact on others.

Whether or not your ex ever has this revelation, it is a fundamental truth.
Males who do this are boys, not men. They have no core decency, reliability, self-restraint, compassion, honesty. Provided you are not in poverty, these are way more valuable than material wealth.

Why would you want to be stuck with some man-child just in order to drive a new car? I'd rather have a patched up old banger and a man with integrity if that's the choice, but I'm sure it isn't. You can find both. And buy your own new car from your own earnings - that's real freedom.

forrestgreen · 18/10/2023 11:37

Yep and it seriously is my life. He takes her to all the restaurants I found. To all the days out that I found.
It's staggering how little imagination that man has.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:38

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:36

Of course it's not equal. His kids will always be his kids and not hers. If he's not enough of a man to do right by them, blame him. A richer, older man with a passport? How's he the victim?

I guess it really is impossible for some people to see that they gave their hearts to a turd who wasn't worthy of it.

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It is now she's ensconced here with a British kid.

Anyway they're both scumbags.

cartagenagina · 18/10/2023 11:39

I know a man who took both his wives on the same honeymoon 😂

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:41

forrestgreen · 18/10/2023 11:37

Yep and it seriously is my life. He takes her to all the restaurants I found. To all the days out that I found.
It's staggering how little imagination that man has.

I've seen this before.

And I notice any man I've been with will go back to familiar, convenient places rather than try somewhere new or do a bit of research.

They're often totally basic bitches when it comes to choosing holidays/venues etc.

I had an abusive ex that I once organised a nice afternoon tea in a swanky hotel hours and hours from our hometowns for .... I noticed while having a little Facebook stalk that years later, and I mean years; he's taken his DDS there for the exact same thing.
Like he couldnt think of one place for a special occasion on his own.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:42

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:38

It is now she's ensconced here with a British kid.

Anyway they're both scumbags.

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It's not. She will never have an equal responsibility to his kids as he has. Parenthood and marriage vows mean nothing if they don't bind you to these people more than some random stranger.

He cheated and is shucking off his kids because he is a shitbag. His new wife is just the means by which he could prove it. He's not her victim. The choices were his. She could show him the red button but only he could press it.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:45

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:42

It's not. She will never have an equal responsibility to his kids as he has. Parenthood and marriage vows mean nothing if they don't bind you to these people more than some random stranger.

He cheated and is shucking off his kids because he is a shitbag. His new wife is just the means by which he could prove it. He's not her victim. The choices were his. She could show him the red button but only he could press it.

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I think you've gone off on a totally different theme that what I was discussing.

BalletBob · 18/10/2023 11:45

CorylusAgain · 18/10/2023 10:47

Why can't you challenge the views without resorting to accusations?

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I didn't accuse anyone of anything. You're mixing up posters.

My point was that it's interesting that you can feel compelled to challenge misogyny where it doesn't actually appear to exist, but not when it's there in black and white.

justaboutslim · 18/10/2023 11:45

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aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2023 11:45

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 09:39

I don't really understand how she's living your life ... Surely you life consists of more than living with your ex and sharing finances with him?

Do you not have a job?
Family?
Friends?
Hobbies and interests?
Are you dating at all? It's difficult to find someone but not impossible. I know ppl who have started ltrs in their 50s etc.

You presumably have a relationship with your adult kids ... And any grandkids to come?

Are things so bad financially that you can't afford a holiday?
If you were married, how come you haven't had a decent share of joint assets, pension etc.?

She's not living your life - shes living with and had a kid with your ex husband.
A lot of mothers of young kids don't work full-time or at all.

Edited

I agree with this. She's not living your life, she's with your ex husband

Notmytotoro · 18/10/2023 11:50

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 10:48

He's clearly cowardly and selfish and mal adjusted and irresponsible. Shown by his affair on his long-term wife & mother of his kids, his leaving for his young (visa seeking?) affair partner, knocking her up quickly etc

How is it surprising that he's not bothering his arse to maintain a relationship with his young adult kids?

He's selfish. She probably doesn't want him maintaining a good relationship with his young adult kids ... Because that's attention, time and potential resources away from her and her child.

That's potential inheritance sent their way instead of entirely grabbed by her and her child.

That's the bottom line. She wants him estranged from his kids. She doesn't want him eg feeling obliged to help them financially... A natural result of him having a good relationship with them. She wants any bonds that might lead to resources of his going to them, broken. She wants her name and her kid's name on any will of his, noone else's.

He ... Goes along with that, for a quiet life.
He doesn't care. He's too foolish and low integrity to think about it or care or do the right thing and treat his kids equally.

How you stuck such a limp lettuce and selfish idiot for so long, op, I don't know.

Edited

Lot of accusations and we don't even know them.. he is an adult 60 years old man, he can go and visit his kids if he wishes to.

Maybe they fell in love and they are happy as a couple and enjoying their child in common. Maybe they are unhappy bit it's not OP business. She should move on, try to do things that make her happy and find a partner who values her.

Notmytotoro · 18/10/2023 11:51

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I agree

Phonedown · 18/10/2023 11:55

She's not living your life...you are- so get on with it!

And she is not stopping a man in his fifties from having a good relationship with his children. He is doing that all by himself. Probably because of shame.

These people are nothing to you now. Even your children's relationship with him is no longer your responsibility. You've probably realised by now that you can not control what other people do or say but you CAN control your response to it and how you let it affect you. So move on and live YOUR life in glorious peace and tranquility.

MonikerBing · 18/10/2023 11:58

I don't identify with this at all I'm afraid, although my exH didn't ostensibly leave me for an OW (although he moved in with someone else 5 months after moving out ) so maybe this is because I don't feel that an OW took my H away from me.

My life is different to the path I was on, but my life is and always was separate to my ex and wasn't reliant on him. Life a pp said, I have a job, friends, hobbies, interests which aren't dependent on him. My relationship with my children is mine, and mine alone. And now I have a new house (in a very different much more rundown area from the one I expected to live in) which I have created and which is mine and which I love complete with new friends who live near me.

I don't even think my ex'es partner is living my life, as she has a very different one. And in any case, I feel very fortunate I'm not with him! Despite life being harder (and definitely less affluent) I have no regrets. Maybe OP you do need to start creating your new life, so you can feel proud of it, that has nothing to do with him and move on?

CorylusAgain · 18/10/2023 11:59

BalletBob · 18/10/2023 11:45

I didn't accuse anyone of anything. You're mixing up posters.

My point was that it's interesting that you can feel compelled to challenge misogyny where it doesn't actually appear to exist, but not when it's there in black and white.

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Apologies @BalletBob you weren't the poster acusing someone else of being an OW.

This thread is full of misogyny. Too many posts to respond to all. And for what it's worth I include the derogatory description of those who have been cheated on as well.

My post specifically was about directing an accusation to an individual poster that she must be an OW because of her views.

Frasers · 18/10/2023 12:04

Phonedown · 18/10/2023 11:55

She's not living your life...you are- so get on with it!

And she is not stopping a man in his fifties from having a good relationship with his children. He is doing that all by himself. Probably because of shame.

These people are nothing to you now. Even your children's relationship with him is no longer your responsibility. You've probably realised by now that you can not control what other people do or say but you CAN control your response to it and how you let it affect you. So move on and live YOUR life in glorious peace and tranquility.

This, your life is what you’re living op. You’re here and now. Her life is what she’s living. Her here and now.

its been 5 years. It’s irrelevant if they are happy and will be forever or will not last much longer, folks shouldn’t be focusing on predicting that and hurling abuse at them, but to help you move on.

to still think after 5 years that thats your life, to not understand or accept it’s not, and to be envious of her lifestyle and thinking it should be you. Only hurts you.

your children are adults now, their relationship with their father is for them to manage, and it’s on him if he chooses to see them or not. Not her. And not you. Just him. If he wishes to bring her as he wishes her to be part of his family like that, that’s on him primarily.

what is it they say, jealousy is a poison you drink and hope the other person will get sick. No, only you get impacted by the poison. Only you’re getting hurt by comparing her life to yours, and pretending it’s all her fault.

babyproblems · 18/10/2023 12:06

She’s not living your life because she’s living with a partner who she knows for a fact is untrustworthy.. you aren’t. You are free to make your life exactly how you want without having a useless untrustworthy twat in tow! X

BerriesNutsConkers · 18/10/2023 12:07

My ex and I had been married for 17 years when he went off with the OW. After the initial shock had worn off after a few weeks I was relieved to be free of the controlling bastard.........she was welcome to him!
I'm more than glad that someone else is living my life as it was then.

Notmytotoro · 18/10/2023 12:08

Look Carrie and Boris Johnson, they both look happy and Boris ex has moved on.

Paleshelter · 18/10/2023 12:09

I haven't RTFT but there may be a chance that the new wife may end up being his carer as he is a bit older. Not always the case of course but at least it's not your problem.
Hope you got a decent payout from the divorce. Are your children supportive to you? Do you have other support networks, friends, interests etc?
I wonder if your ex planned on having another child, at least you don't need to go through all that again!

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 12:11

he is an adult 60 years old man, he can go and visit his kids if he wishes to.

Who said he couldn't??!!

What I said is that the motivations/agenda of this woman, in her circumstances and with her background to date; are likely to be to discourage any bonding/ties to his other kids. Most likely for territorial and financial reasons.

A perfectly reasonable conclusion.

What he does re his older kids is entirely on him.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 12:12

they both look happy

Well he looks insane.... But could very well he happy.

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 12:13

Frasers · 18/10/2023 10:33

These barbs at this poster aren’t ok. They speak the truth. Exit affairs. New relationships are often successful. Trying to say oh he will cheat on her too is silly. He might do. But he overwhelmingly may not. Much depends on the state of his marriage before he chose to end it.

amd it appears he ended it very quickly after meeting this woman, pregnancies can be managed, he chose to end his marriage he choose to be with her, there is no evidence he’s a serial cheat. Was it wrong yes, but trying to pretend he will defo cheat on her, that he’s unhappy really doesn’t stack up

it’s sad for the op, yes. Devastating her marriage ended like this, but that’s where it ends. She should be encouraged to move on.

and I’m happily married not an ow by the way.

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Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Same for both men and women.

Goldfish41 · 18/10/2023 12:14

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 09:45

but most men, in my experience, are looking for peace and stability, certainly when they get to that point in their lives, so I doubt that he's gonna want to go through all that stress and shit again, plus he probably couldn't afford it either.

I agree.

It's not because the second relationship/marriage is really better or great. They just can't be bothered ending it and starting from scratch again, they can't financially afford to ... And they know they'll not get anything much better or different. They also know how they will look to everyone ... One divorce/left wife - maybe wasn't right person/relationship.... Two divorces/left wives is a pattern and he looks like the problem. They know that and just stay where they are when they've done it once.

Edited

This is very true. I know someone in this situation and they’re certainly no happier in the second marriage - ended up reliving all the domestic stresses etc that they were running away from - but they’re stuck with it now. Which was entirely predictable.

Gingerbread2023 · 18/10/2023 12:14

He's already been linked to affairs while with Carrie.