Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

[autumnmarshmallows]

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children).
Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids.
I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

Choosing to get into something with a man you know to be in a relationship is far more misogynistic.

Unless she had no idea he was in a relationship, it is 50/50 her fault.

"Poacher turned game keeper" They deserve one another, don't give them a second thought.

I wouldn't say the other woman or other man are 50% at fault morally unless they were also married to someone else at the time. If you are married then you are not supposed to be looking for other relationships and most people would shut any whiff of attraction down unless they are looking to cheat. You just don't open yourself up to the possibility as you may do when you are single.

Hmm I don't really understand... Your view seems very financial. If she stole half or more of your life savings, then yes she is living your life... But if she only "stole" your source of income, or your meal ticket to a kept woman life, i.e. the man, then inherently he was never a reliable source of income? Just think of it like a cushy job, with a shady role and a shady boss, that you were fired from early on. Your shady boss (him) fired and replaced you, the kept woman job was never really permanently "yours".

I understand what you are saying having been through similar
The only way round it is to bit by bit build up your own life, until it’s so full that it doesn’t feel like she has your life anymore

I'm so sorry for the pain this situation has caused you.
Feeling replaced is horrendous to process. Feeling betrayed is the stuff of nightmares. I think you will heal in your own time. It is pointless telling you to 'move on' as I'm sure you would if you could.
The hurt is probably too consuming. It will fade. As life moves along it will be easier to accept.
Your already having some good days. When the good days outweigh the bad that is the tipping point.

Those who haven't experienced this will never understand.

Best of luck op. Your future is bright. X

I’ve noticed this quite often on here too and am quite surprised by it. There is an innate desire to blame the woman. If women said no my husband would be faithful, she’s to blame, she stole my husband. She stole my life.

from what I can see very seldom does a woman proactively target a man, who helplessly tells her he’s happily married and loves his wife, but he is so utterly weak he’s no option but to have sex with her and leave his marriage.

in the majority of instances the man is proclaiming unhappiness,being together for the kids only, that the marriage is long dead.

yes of course in a black and white scenario the woman should say no sex unless you end your marriage now, but it’s often not that simple, and really, I don’t hold women responsible for men’s actions.

when a marriage breaks down, unless there is abuse etc, then there is usually fault on both sides in the lead up. Of course an exit affair is a terrible thing at the end, but it’s seldom just about just the affair , and often to do with the preceding years of the marriage.

@Iwasafool

That's not my experience. Lots of men missed out on the best times with kids when they were making a living, building their careers. They often seem to enjoy the second family as they have the financial resources and not the same financial worries.

Divorced men don't tend to have fewer financial worries after their divorce - on the contrary!

So the man who promised himself to you and built a life with you isn't any more responsible for his commitment than a random stranger. When Bill makes a promise, it's on every woman in the world to keep it for him.

Like I said, none so blind. Why do you even want a man who's so useless and cares about you so little that he can't keep it in his pants unless every woman he meets does it for him?

If you're going to chat sexist shite about women being vacancies for men who will inevitably use them, you're frankly encouraging it.

I truly don't see how you can a) hold women responsible for men b) say married men are only half responsible for being faithful c) present cheating men as deliverers of justice for women they cheat with and d) promote the idea that men need to fill vacancies with women... and not see how you're contributing to a world that eases and even encourages male infidelity.

It's not righteous, it's really fucking horrible. You're actually part of the problem.

I get you OP I still feel incredibly angry after my ex H left me for a pathetic specimen of a woman. We were married for 20 years and I worked my arse off to give us a great life. We had a lovely house a good future but o matter how hard I worked he always wanted more and more. He's now living in a shitty flat with this woman and can't find work while I still have the lovely home and a nice life. He's still moaning that his life is shit. He's just one of these people who is never happy.

Well that depends doesn't it. This man seems to be fine financially according to the OP. Why is that? Well his other kids are grown up so no financial commitments, he's presumably got a good income. I'm not talking about a young man whose paying for 2 or 3 kids with his ex, without a good income. I'm talking about a man who spent his younger years building his career so he is now very comfortable.

You might not have seen it but I'm probably older than you and I have seen it.

Or perhaps he was fed up of being used as a cash cow? The OP only seems bothered about financial issues, maybe he met someone who actually cared about him not his bank account.

Yep and my ex isn't even rich but a two income household would be lovely as would someone to cuddle up to at night!

You lived for 20 years with a man who contributed minimally to your family finances but always wanted more. He's gone and you still have the fruits of your hard work and continue to live a good life. And yet it is the other woman you label "a pathetic specimen"?!

Your exh is the pathetic specimen who took advantage of your hard work for 20 years then betrayed your love and trust by cheating and leaving the relationship. They live in a shitty flat so clearly she is in no way "living your life".

Your anger at your ex's betrayal is wholly understandable but dear god you are better off without him. If you are stuck in the anger, seek some help. You should be free of that to enjoy your life. His current partner is irrelevant.

She's done nothing - he was the one who made the commitment to you not her. It's been 5 years - it's not healthy to still be bitter/jealous

Your adult children are adults. And so is she. And so is their dad If she's nasty to them yes it's not nice for you but they need to sort it out between them

Seems unlikely in the circumstances, if I'm honest, but possibly. We don't know these people.

What we do know is that whatever his reasons, they were his reasons and it was his choice, since he was the married one. He doesn't share 50% responsibility for his promises with every random woman he meets. If your husband has no more duty to you than a random stranger, what's the point of him?

As much as I fully agree with you this is on him, I’m not sure it’s right to be so judgey and assume this woman is with him for his money,and they aren’t in a genuinely loving relationship.

Exactly. I feel for you. Your feelings are perfectly natural.

I see my ex and his new partner and sometimes feel a tiny bit sad that they do all the things I wanted to but he never would. But then I reconcile this with the fact she is probably having to be subservient and submissive to constantly placate him and “earn” the lifestyle. He wanted to be hero worshipped for being a high earner (but doing minimal parenting & no chores while we both worked fulltime) but my refusal to do this was the beginning of the end. What does actually bother me is that he spends a fortune on her and her DC but not our DC. They are beginning to notice this themselves and it is heartbreaking when they ask why he does it. Overall we are better off without him - I just wish the children were not being affected by it.

The OW is not the problem here.
It's your DH that the anger should be directed towards.
He decided to leave you.
He decided not to see his adult kids much and to allow his wife to come along when she doesn't treat them nicely.
He has broken his promises to you and is not being the father your kids deserve.
He is an adult, he has agency. His wife can't make him do or not do anything without his consent.
Focussing on her is very misplaced attention OP.

I think when life is a struggle it's easy to look towards someone else to blame but ultimately not that helpful for us.
It's shit when life seems so unfair though.

Totally understand @autumnmarshmallows but can you take control and just live your life, wonderfully free of a clear bastard. And if his mistress is nasty to his DC, he’ll lose his DC as well.

@autumnmarshmallows I get it. We have been divorced 9 years and he is remarried, had amazing holidays and a fabulous new house. In the last year they've been to New York, Vegas and South Africa.

I am in a tiny house that needs so much doing to it and am lucky if I can afford a night out. Yes I got maintenance but he stopped paying once DS reached 18 and contributed nothing to university.

I don't want him, he's an arse. I would like an easier life that his money brought (he's on 4 x my salary). He broke me in a million pieces when he left and I do sometimes wonder what if ... (he had many affairs)

maybe he met someone who actually cared about him not his bank account

Pmsl.

If this is the same op I'm thinking of, the scenario sounded like a visa and money related transaction for her, and a new, younger woman for him swapparoo.