Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

[autumnmarshmallows]

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children).
Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids.
I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

You know she’s looking over her shoulder every day to see if he’s doing to he what he did to you?

She will never have a minute of peace.

Exactly as @TheLightSideOfTheMoon said - she will never have peace of mind, and you will, in due course. Wishing you all the best.

They're both worthless OP, and if she's living your life, i.e a life with a selfish unfaithful man, how is that enviable? She also has to bring up a child with the bastard - you've done that. You're free. Start to enjoy YOUR life.

No I don’t she can have at it.

stop dwelling and get on with your life and one day you’ll not even think of him.

@Jackienory you sound rather bitter yourself.

I don't really understand how she's living your life ... Surely you life consists of more than living with your ex and sharing finances with him?

Do you not have a job?
Family?
Friends?
Hobbies and interests?
Are you dating at all? It's difficult to find someone but not impossible. I know ppl who have started ltrs in their 50s etc.

You presumably have a relationship with your adult kids ... And any grandkids to come?

Are things so bad financially that you can't afford a holiday?
If you were married, how come you haven't had a decent share of joint assets, pension etc.?

She's not living your life - shes living with and had a kid with your ex husband.
A lot of mothers of young kids don't work full-time or at all.

This! Totally agree!

I'm cool. No worries here.

It sucks but presumably she will be a lot younger so she will be stuck being a carer to an old man when she is still relatively young. Small wins.
Just look at Bruce Willises young wifey. Bet Demi Moore is thanking her lucky stars she doesn’t have to deal with that!

If she’s a bitch to your kids and he’s allowing it then surely that says it all about the type of man your ex is. You should be celebrating that he’s out of your life. Living your best life is the best revegene - so just focus on you and ignore the idiots

but most men, in my experience, are looking for peace and stability, certainly when they get to that point in their lives, so I doubt that he's gonna want to go through all that stress and shit again, plus he probably couldn't afford it either.

I agree.

It's not because the second relationship/marriage is really better or great. They just can't be bothered ending it and starting from scratch again, they can't financially afford to ... And they know they'll not get anything much better or different. They also know how they will look to everyone ... One divorce/left wife - maybe wasn't right person/relationship.... Two divorces/left wives is a pattern and he looks like the problem. They know that and just stay where they are when they've done it once.

I don’t think this is really true, his market value isn’t going to be especially high now and they both know that.

She may well have regrets about marrying a much older guy, but not for a long time. He may well regret having a second family a bit earlier than that when his daughter hits her teens, or maybe he won’t.

But really OP, would you want him now? Because if you say she’s living your life that’s kind of what you’re saying.

I think you just have to reframe it as she revealed what a berk your husband had become, and is thus welcome to him. The fact she is a cow to your kids only reveals further that he is not the man you married.

He is presumably bringing up a young child in his middle age, who needs that, OW is stuck with a partner who will age before her. If anyone has an affaire bet it will be her.

OP your kids are grown, make your own wonderful life.

Hi,
My DD’s father left when she was a baby (we were married at the time) for another woman.
I used to sometimes what would have happened if we had stayed together, but I don’t see her as living my life. She is not me, she has stayed at home with their DC while I have always worked (no doubt what meant exH could safely leave me with all the responsibility for DC and to this day, he pays nothing for her university etc). I have a bunch of things I have achieved besides being his former wife, not least bringing up an amazing daughter.

This.

@jackienory you sound a bit like the last 4 of my father’s 5 (to date) wives. They all thought they would be the one to give the poor man the stability he craved. He’s in his 80s now and still trying it on with the babysitter.

My friends husband did this and she was absolutely devastated at first. He's now in his 60's with 2 young children under 5 with his 35 year old mistress, can't now retire as he is paying the price of two divorces and has 3 older now adult children that all had to go through university. All his friends have now retired and are enjoying foreign travel and now have Grandchildren.
My friend, meanwhile, is enjoying nearing retirement with her new partner. She's bought a motorhome and she has plans to travel, see the world and thoroughly enjoy her retirement. Karma indeed.

Thanks for the messages. A lot to think about.
He's 56 and I think she is about 37. She's not English and has few friends so she rarely lets my ex see our kids, or if she does allow it, she comes along!
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, being middle aged, having two jobs and being responsible for absolutely everything, plus one of our kids is autistic. I generally very strong but some days I just want to deck her !! lol!!

Yep, they can't help themselves

Is that right ?.

It’s not your life op, I’m sorry. It may have been if your marriage had thrived, but it didn’t.

He could have made other choices. He didn’t. He made the ones he wished to make. She is living her life. He is her partner. And they are raising a child together.

I’m sorry I know it pains you that that’s no longer your life, but maybe counselling will help you move on and accept it. Thinking she’s living your life will only cause you pain. It’s no more your life than any other woman he dated before you.

You need to move on. She's not living your life. She's living hers. You are letting the marriage define yourself.

Let's see how it plays out when he's an old man and her kids have grown up. Will she stick around? Maybe not.

You are way better off without him.

If he's 56 and she's 37, she'll get to care for an old man soon. She'll be mid 40s when he's a pensioner.