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Original poster

Is anyone else still in disbelief that another woman is living your life?

232 replies

autumnmarshmallows · 18/10/2023 09:00

Usual scenario. Husband of 22 years had an affair and got OW pregnant within three months of being with her (we already had adult children).
Both of them are bastards in my opinion but even 5 years on, I still have days when I can't wrap my head around this other woman living the life that was originally mine. She seems to want for nothing and doesn't work (small kid at home half the time), drives a brand new car, goes on holidays and is a bitch towards our adult kids.
I'd never want to be with him again but it does occasionally piss me right off . I'm wondering if this feeling with ever dissipate?

OP posts:
rubyjan · 18/10/2023 10:53

@Jackienory spoken like a true other women.

Oh he most likely looks elsewhere

HarrietStyles · 18/10/2023 10:54

Take comfort in the fact that right now you can live your best live while he is exhausted changing dirty nappies and being woken in the night. In twenty years she will probably ditch him for someone her own age (she’ll be 50s he’ll be 70s) and he will be a sad lonely elderly man, two failed marriages behind him, kids probably not interested much in him. It might not play out that way …….. but it feels good to picture it!

Bunnyhair · 18/10/2023 10:55

@ElizaWinter well my dad seemingly can’t. It would almost be funny if it weren’t so grim, and hadn’t resulted in such chaos and disruption for my half-siblings. I’m sure some men do know their limits and stay put with the first woman they cheat with. But some are just getting warmed up! My dad only really hit his stride in his 60s.

Hufflypuffly123 · 18/10/2023 11:02

I think what we all need to be conscious of is that people can be dickheads throughout their lives, but some genuinely learn from mistakes or learn from problems in other relationships.

My Mum has never stopped being pissed off that my Dad was a better husband to my Step-mum than my Mum.

My Mum ended the relationship BTW by having an affair but was still pissed off when she heard about my Dad cooking all the meals, doing more housework, being more attentive, spending more on luxuries etc with my Step-Mum.

He'd just progressed as a human being and learned to be different in his next relationship.

Doteycat · 18/10/2023 11:02

IVe said it before and i will say it again.
If you married a man who cheated on his wife, you are married to a man who cheats on his wife.
Who the hell would live like that.

Iwasafool · 18/10/2023 11:03

Everydayiscake · 18/10/2023 10:52

Most men of that age wouldn’t jump for joy at parenting again. She isn’t living your life she set you free. It’s how you look at it. I choose not to look. I know I’m better off without my ex. I feel sorry for the woman he is with now. Concentrate on you.

That's not my experience. Lots of men missed out on the best times with kids when they were making a living, building their careers. They often seem to enjoy the second family as they have the financial resources and not the same financial worries.

Not all men obviously, some older men will be struggling financially but it doesn't sound like the OPs ex is one of them.

Iwasafool · 18/10/2023 11:05

I think it is sad that so many on here seem to think having a baby is such a horrible thing. I found my babies a joy and changing nappies was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

spookehtooth · 18/10/2023 11:07

It comes at a price, are the nice things worth putting up with him? It's a package deal, unless the house has a patio with room for storage and he's got a really good life insurance deal and you a great alibi

cartagenagina · 18/10/2023 11:07

I’m in disbelief that a younger woman was remotely interested in my disgusting XH. She was absolutely welcome to him.

In my experience, the new much younger wife will tire of her old DH and leave when she gets bored. If she’s still in her late thirties by then she can still start over with another man/new family.

@autumnmarshmallows you sound sad and bitter, but there is no way your XH is chained to a radiator and unable to see his adult DC because his wife says so. This is absolutely his choice.

I hope you find peace and happiness with your own life. 💐

AGaudyKnight · 18/10/2023 11:09

My ex married the OW on our wedding anniversary. He calls her by my nickname, even though our names are vastly different. I feel sorry for her. Even if she was a bitch to DC, no one deserves to be such an obvious replacement.

I don’t feel that she is living my life. Or rather maybe she is, but it was a shitty life when I had it and I wouldn’t want it back for the world.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:12

As usual, blame on the woman and gleeful relish of justice for her, while the actual married man barely gets a word and in fact will probably get to enjoy more cheating sex. Even though, as the much older person and not an immigrant, he's clearly in the more powerful person in this relationship.

I don't blame you for still being hurt, upset and aghast, OP, but put the blame where it belongs: on the shitty, sexually incontinent man. And remember what the Americans say: the trash took itself out. Unless he's extremely wealthy, he's not going to be able to support all these family commitments for long and he might question his choices when he's working well into his 70s with a young child still to support and adult children who don't respect him. I agree that if anyone's going to have an affair, it's probably going to be her.

Mummyratbag · 18/10/2023 11:17

I'm sorry you are facing this. You have every right to be angry and upset that the future you planned and worked for has been ripped away!

Please though try and find ways to not focus on it. I have seen the bitterness play out and steal what could have been many happy years with a loving family. It was so sad.

He may be happy, he may be miserable, that is on him. Get conselling, grab life with both hands... allow yourself to enjoy a different future.

Hufflypuffly123 · 18/10/2023 11:17

Iwasafool · 18/10/2023 11:05

I think it is sad that so many on here seem to think having a baby is such a horrible thing. I found my babies a joy and changing nappies was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Nobody said that.

They're saying caring for infants and young children can be repetitive, boring, relentless and extremely stressful. Which can show you things about yourself that you never previously thought possible.

Changing nappies multiple times a day is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things when you're not doing it anymore and just remember the joy.

Which most people do. Otherwise no-one would have a second child.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 18/10/2023 11:20

She has no friends and is married to a man she will never be able to fully trust. I wouldn’t want that for anyone I love. The no friends thing is telling. So is shagging a married man. Do you think he really trusts her too?

Frasers · 18/10/2023 11:20

Some of these responses are really awful. Predicting who will cheat, when it will end. This does not help the op. What’s she going to do, wait around for number 3 to enter stage right.

the ops marriage ended very quickly after he met her. Within weeks. Which says exit affair. It was 5 years ago, the days of nappies are likely over. The kids at school for goodness sake.

tne op needs to not focus on this woman and fantasising that’s her life. It isn’t. Her marriage ended five years ago. She needs to focus on her own happiness and not on this woman’s life wishing it was her.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:22

Even though, as the much older person and not an immigrant, he's clearly in the more powerful person in this relationship.

She's probably only after his income and inheritance.... (And being naturalised as a UK citizen). Whether that makes him powerful, I don't know.

He's being used.
But he accepts (or deludes himself) about that in order to have a new, much younger partner.

She knowingly got together with a married man with a family, was happy for him to leave his long-term wife, got pregnant quickly, and now discourages him from seeing his young adult children (one of whom needs support) .... Probably so the bonds will be fully broken and she'll not have any competition for his resources and inheritance.

She'd hardly a victim.

She sounds like a gold digger, green card chaser and (re his contact with his kids), a right cunt.

That doesn't mean he's not a cunt too though.

TeaGinandFags · 18/10/2023 11:22

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself now and then but it's also good to count your blessings. I think that what you're grieving for is the life you thought you'd be having, not the actual marriage you had. He cheated you of that when he cheated on you.

It can be hard to be the better person and cope with the fall out. What worked for me is a totally self indulgent day (like a pamper day) spent wallowing in self pity berating the bastard who done me wrong. Go to town. Rail and rant over the iniquity of life. Get it out of your system. When you hit the end point do something symbolic to wash it off and then do something nice for yourself.

The next morning the situation will be the same but you should feel better and be able to live more in the future.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:26

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:22

Even though, as the much older person and not an immigrant, he's clearly in the more powerful person in this relationship.

She's probably only after his income and inheritance.... (And being naturalised as a UK citizen). Whether that makes him powerful, I don't know.

He's being used.
But he accepts (or deludes himself) about that in order to have a new, much younger partner.

She knowingly got together with a married man with a family, was happy for him to leave his long-term wife, got pregnant quickly, and now discourages him from seeing his young adult children (one of whom needs support) .... Probably so the bonds will be fully broken and she'll not have any competition for his resources and inheritance.

She'd hardly a victim.

She sounds like a gold digger, green card chaser and (re his contact with his kids), a right cunt.

That doesn't mean he's not a cunt too though.

Edited

She wasn't married to OP.

Yes, she probably is after security, but he has that security so the choice and power are his. Older, established, has citizenship of the resident country...he's clearly in the more powerful position and the only reason anyone is trying to play this down and big up the woman's position is because, ironically, he was also the one with the marriage and parental commitments. It's his choice to be a shit husband and father and he's the one who had the options. Anything she knew, he knew better - those were his commitments.

ETA: And I see the edit where you had to add that he's a cunt because it wasn't important enough to remember initially. Point further proven. He's the one with the commitments and the power, but people forget that he's the arsehole and everything that's happened has been his choice.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:28

She wasn't married to OP.

Getting involved with a married man with a family hardly speaks of integrity and morals.

Her behaviour regarding his kids confirms her low character.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:31

Yes, she probably is after security, but he has that security so the choice and power are his. Older, established, has citizenship of the resident country...he's clearly in the more powerful position

Not anymore.

Not unless they're not married.

I agree he was in the more powerful position before, and she probably took her opportunity with a married, considerably older man .. because it was her best or only shot at emigrating and getting a good standard of living.

Once she's done that, had the kid by him and I'm not sure if they re married or not yet; it's roughly equal. She used him for visa and money. He allowed himself to be used for young, novel ass.

Frasers · 18/10/2023 11:32

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:28

She wasn't married to OP.

Getting involved with a married man with a family hardly speaks of integrity and morals.

Her behaviour regarding his kids confirms her low character.

Edited

It really depends, if he told her the marriage was over for example, and she believed him, and to be fair it was a few weeks later. Still wrong, but he should have ended his marriage before becoming romantically involved with her. But what that woman knew and was told is not known so we can’t speak to her morals/

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:33

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:28

She wasn't married to OP.

Getting involved with a married man with a family hardly speaks of integrity and morals.

Her behaviour regarding his kids confirms her low character.

Edited

No, but it's actually irrelevant. She decides she'll sleep with with, fuck all happens. He, the committed one, decides to sleep with her - betrayal, even if she rebuffs him.

But it's the same old story, women being responsible for where married men put their dicks. But if only OP could put the blame where it belongs - on her ex, for being weak, sexually incontinent and a shitty father - she wouldn't be suffering like this over what the OW has. She'd see her ex for the twat he is and find it much easier to be happy to be free of him. Doesn't work when you're just focused on the OW and what you think she took from you. She didn't take anything. He walked away. Because that's who he is.

ETA: Don't you think the fact that you have to keep editing your posts to add things you didn't think of means you might need to reframe your approach to this? She's not more responsible for his kids than he is!

woofwoofandwoof · 18/10/2023 11:35

If he's 56 and she's 37, she'll get to care for an old man soon. She'll be mid 40s when he's a pensioner.

this is nonsense as is a lot of stuff on here that is trying to make someone feel better. Life has no certainty.

You just never know. I know a couple who had a 20 year age gap ( not an affair I might add but not relevant to my point) everyone used to say this about her - she'd end up caring for him as an old man. They had a very happy life together of 30+ years. She unexpectedly was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died aged 65 ish. He was 85 ish and still healthy. He's still with us but there was no caring for her because she died before he did.

I know that it is normally expected women outlive men but if you have a wander round any cemetry you will see many many modern (I mean year 2000 onwards not the WWs) graves where the wife died first. It happens more than you think.

whats that expression something like comparison is the thief of you. You have to concentrate on yourself because there will always be people living an apparently better life. If you want to focus your ire and bitterness on anyone, choose someone who has everything -wealth, beauty,fame and success and a happy life - not someone who is just a stone in your emotional shoe.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:36

Frasers · 18/10/2023 11:32

It really depends, if he told her the marriage was over for example, and she believed him, and to be fair it was a few weeks later. Still wrong, but he should have ended his marriage before becoming romantically involved with her. But what that woman knew and was told is not known so we can’t speak to her morals/

Show quote history

She still got with a married man.

And her behaviour towards his kids says it all.

(She wants his kids out of the picture. As I said she wants only two names on his will - hers and her kid's).

Shed a cuckoo, a gold digger, a visa geezer-ess, a money grabber and a bitch by the looks of it. I don't think she needs spared any sympathy.

Apart from having to shag some nearly 60 yr old bloke, old enough to be her Da, in her 30s of course.

He's an absolute arsehole/waste of space. That stands regardless of her character.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 11:36

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 11:31

Yes, she probably is after security, but he has that security so the choice and power are his. Older, established, has citizenship of the resident country...he's clearly in the more powerful position

Not anymore.

Not unless they're not married.

I agree he was in the more powerful position before, and she probably took her opportunity with a married, considerably older man .. because it was her best or only shot at emigrating and getting a good standard of living.

Once she's done that, had the kid by him and I'm not sure if they re married or not yet; it's roughly equal. She used him for visa and money. He allowed himself to be used for young, novel ass.

Edited

Of course it's not equal. His kids will always be his kids and not hers. If he's not enough of a man to do right by them, blame him. A richer, older man with a passport? How's he the victim?

I guess it really is impossible for some people to see that they gave their hearts to a turd who wasn't worthy of it.